The Injured Artist

Lost off the gird...

2011-07-06T21:35:00.000-04:00

So I haven't been able to blog, or write. My laptop is dead. Yes folks! The mother board is fried!!! My best bet is to buy a new laptop.

But on the bright side, all my info was able to be retrieved!!!

You know normally people are so upset by losing a laptop but I honestly wasn't! It happened and I guess time to move on. My older sister was like 'oh my gawd what are you gonna do..." She thinks she knows me and thought that I would be really upset by it.

Honestly I am upset that I have no outlet for me to do anything. I feel like I have no outlet anymore for my art-ism if that's a word. Oh wells...

I'll just have to buy a new one... just don't know when.... or when I will get back to this...

There's a snake in my boot...

2011-05-21T04:26:00.002-04:00

I decided today I was going to post!

It seems so long ago since I last really posted. Not an update just something of me. I feel like writing today.

I was at work today and was twisted in the harness I wore at work and said aloud "I get tangled up in my own string." It hit home. I've been dealing, no correct that, not dealing with a couple of things in my life. I've allowed that pink elephant to engulf me in my own space.

Its gotten so enormous and there is no way out. No way to be rescued. Soon I will be smothered by the pink elephant.

I feel so scattered and yet I feel so at a dead end.

I was talking to a friend and she sees all the potential that I have. But my problem isn't where I'm inspired its what path and which kind of inspiration should I follow. I have so much to offer and yet I am so hindered. I don't know how to untangle the web I've weaved. Its starting to become a huge knot. There is no rhyme nor reason to the mess I've construed.

And on top of that I really do feel helpless. I have no one to really help me but myself. I'm grasping in the air to find anything to help lift me up and its just air. I need a guide. I feel so blinded by everything infront of me.

I'm supposed to have a purpose to life but have no goals set. But then I feel like my debts are holding me back...

AGH! I have nothing left to write. I guess that was all.

I'm working. I might hold on to this "temporary" job so thats a plus. Right?

Frustration

2011-04-18T04:38:00.000-04:00

I never meant to let this blog go by with a month and not have an update. Oh wells. People are human and they actually have lives.

So you may ask what has happened.

Absolutely nothing.

I did pick up a new job for a few months at a construction site. I actually like the hard work. It keeps my hands busy so I'm amused all day at work. Plus I work with witty funny guys so it makes working there more of a pleasure. Although one of the guys there has a crush on me and I do not feel anything for him! Plus he's stinky!!! NO THANK YOU! HA HA! Seriously though, I will not go there. He even asked my older sister if I like weddings and if I would like to go. Her response "don't get your hopes up!" Thank you sister!

Also my sisters boys have been here at my parents house. My older sister has four boys, one of which is with his father because my sister and her boyfriend are not together and the oldest boy still has school and she couldn't take him back and forth from school since she started a new job. ANYWAY... my mother and youngest sister have become the babysitters and I have become the grocery shopper/gas filler, and my older sister has been taking us for a free ride...

We don't do any of this for her, we do it all for the boys. It breaks my heart that even when she has time off she doesn't seem to take care of them the way they should be. Since the boys have been here in the house my mother and sister feed them, bathe them, change their diapers, and make sure they are well entertained all day! In the morning she doesn't even wake up to them. I woke up Saturday morning early before my 9am shift to feed them, change them and make sure they will be good before I leave. Where was my sister snoring loud in her bed. She frustrates us all!

She takes too many liberties and yet we let her do it. How do you tell her "you have to be on restraints for we do not help you but your children?"

Ah whatever... there's only a few weeks left to this job so I'm hoping it goes fast!

Heartbreaker

2011-02-28T19:48:00.002-05:00

Its been different around here. I’ve been contemplating so many things in life. About how to make myself happy. However, I don’t know how to do it without hurting people. I want to break free from what my family tells me I should do. But… I don’t know how to do me.

I don’t know how to just let go and allow me to be me in my purest form. The past two years have been revealing. I feel as if I have found the other half of who I am. It took a lot to find me. First I had to forget pains. Then I had to release things that I held on to for no reasons. After all that was settled and done, after all that was taken away, what did I find? I was stripped bare and found that little scared girl. The one that was still throwing a tantrum because she wasn’t being heard.

Sometimes I feel like that little girl. Feeling as if no one is listening. Feeling as if I’m alone on whatever comes out from me.

What does it take for someone to finally come to me and tell me to stop screaming?

I think people don’t want to look through and sift through a person. What does it take for a true friend to sit there and sift? I”m looking for a “donkey” to my “shrek” (but not as annoying).

I’m in desperate need of someone that will sift through me again. To just sit and listen. Even if its nonsense or just me repeating what I say.

I hide my emotions. I don’t like being an emotional burden on anyone. Even though I become a financial burden on my family. I depend on them too much. I don’t have a clue as to how to be independent in that aspect. But with my emotions its basically a breeze for me to hide them under this clever mask I wear.

Especially feelings that I still keep holding on to. Such as the ones of hope.

Do you remember when you were younger and everything seemed so exciting. So hopeful and bright. My family of course being hispanic has a huge tie to religion. It is part of our genetic make-up. We have to believe in supernatural being that controls this universe. We were never Catholic, but my family is hard core pentecostal, that is holy ghost, speaking in tongues, Jesus freaks kinda people.

Of course growing up in it people would come over and speak over you and say that the Lord will do great things in you, if you just let go. Things of that nature. And I seemed to get it more often than all my sisters. So I felt destined to do great and terrible things. But here I am about to turn the big 3-0 and feel like there will never be anything grandiose that will come from me. My mother still looks at me with those hopeful eyes. I read them everyday and everyday they tell me the same thing… can’t you see how great you will be, because I can.

Its become a burden to me.

I hate that look. Loathe it.

But what can you do. Its your mother. You just smile and nod. Tell her it will happen. But all I want to do is break her heart so that she will live in the harsh reality of life. But then again do I really want to be the one that broke her heart. As a child you don’t want to do anything but please your parents. As an adult you want to look back and thank your parents for allowing them to let you make mistakes. And yes my parents allow me to make mistakes but some “mistakes” aren’t really mistakes. They are decisions taken so that I can be the real me. Whoever she maybe.

What is the undertone of all this? I don’t know. What I do know is that I don’t want to be the person in my mothers eyes. Not anymore.

I want to be me. Just me. With out her hopes.

My Unrequited Love

2011-02-14T02:38:00.001-05:00

I chant to myself you weren’t real
You never existed
You meant nothing to me

And with every word my voice gets smaller
One tear drops
Then my lips start to quiver

You never meant anything to me

But you meant the world to me
You meant everything

Every memory is like an aching thorn
A bruise that never wants to clear up
A wound that reopens making your reality hurt so much

I allowed myself to grieve over you
To move on
To live once more

And here I am
Like a slap in the face
Reminded of the unrequited love

Like a match that quickly surrendered to ash

All I want is to believe that you never existed
That you were never in every inch of my memory

And yet

My heart has so much scar tissue
From you ripping in to me
From you making me surrender to you

I tried and tried to remove myself
And I couldn’t even claw myself away

Why don’t you remember

I want to forget every part of you

Now this make-up smeared face needs to wipe your memory away
To really believe
And stop chanting

You never meant anything to me...

It was never what I did wrong
It was never how I could change to make you stay
It was all on you

I truly loved you
I truly did

Love to you…
It doesn’t mean anything
Does it...

The Corner

2011-02-10T18:29:00.003-05:00

Today I found your corner
In the back of my mind
Far from all living and creating

Far from all of me but still in the back of my mind

You were my immovable mountain
I found you and shook you
I held every vulnerable part of you

Yet it wasn’t enough

You laid out everything new for me
And I soaked it in

Its been almost two years

I found your corner today
I swore I wasn’t going to shed a tear for you
And some how I fell anyway

I relived the memory of you and me
Shed tears
Shed myself

I think its time
I will finally clean out everything
Every single part of me you touched
Every part of me you knew

I know I was not what made you whole
But you found the other half of me
I will not thank you
Nor curse you

I will just forget you

The corner you used to call home is devoid of you
I will fill it with all of me and your memory will not even exist

I wanna hold your hand...

2011-01-27T07:43:00.000-05:00

Captured by your essence
I stand alone
The tides rip between us like a vast space
Larger than the universe disagreeing with the passion between us

How is this love wrong when its pure
How is this love forsaken by all but you and me
How long will we be able to finally be one

How long will it be until the calm brings peace to everyone
I don’t know if I can keep surviving like a partridge in a pear tree
Alone and desolate
Sitting perched on my branch

Although we are apart you keep me surviving
You help me hold on to my breath
Your words bring me a bewildered love

This cage can’t hold it much longer

The sand in the hour glass of time seems to be going slower
As if we will never be again

My darling you tell me it will only be a little longer
But I can’t wait much longer
I can’t keep this love away

I want to stand up to the masses and show them our love
Show them the beauty we have created
Show them its more than just your hand in mine

Fire

2011-01-04T06:15:00.003-05:00

I miss you
I miss you
I crave your touch

My body aches from not having you

Its as if a hole was ripped from within my soul
I am completely naked and exposed
Come back to me so that I can feel clothed again

So that I don’t feel like the crack in the ground is going to swallow me whole
Like the darkness is my new light
Like I will keep feeling this excruciating pain for the rest of my days

Pain that burns and bubbles inside me
Torturing my heart day in and day out

Does this not pain you
Do you not burn like the face of the sun

You say you had no choice but I don’t believe you
Not when I know that we used to have a different fire within us

Now the fire is raging
Trying to take it all back
Fire that consumes everything until this forest becomes bare

Lifeless
And barren

Gathering the unraveled year...

2010-12-26T03:16:00.002-05:00

I have not much to update on... Simply put... I've become really lazy. I mean absurdly lazy.

What I mean is that I've become so complacent in the situation I'm in its like why change. Even though everyday I wish I was else where with a car and a better job. I hate my job. I'm still working at Cracker Barrel and wishing I never went back. But being so accustumed to the responsibilities there has made me be ok with it. Even though I wish the place didn't have so many unheard of rules and regulations. We have to become robots for the managers to speak to us. Also many of the managers give preference to the two male servers we have. So anything a woman says they kinda put it off as oh she's emotional... must be on her period.

Don't get me wrong some of the women there whine so much its understandable but honestly... Not all women are like that!!!!!

Anyways... still have no car and gave the one that wasn't working to my sister so that she can have... so I'm stuck using a car with two other women. One that is mad when I use the car without asking to hang with friends, even though I and my mother puts gas in the car and my mother pays for the insurance, she still gets upset. She of course NEVER puts gas in the car. It's like pulling teeth with her!!!!!! I hate that!

My love life... oh to be loved like I was their whole world. I don't know if I was loved once by a real physical human being... but I want to believe I was loved once. You know, I'm just not physically attracted to anyone. Its like I'm asexual. Nothing really sparks my interest. It only happened twice. The first person my best friend liked and she had dibbs so... I had to step up off. (oh yea and he's a woman beater... so no thanks!) The second one... I could never be the one with... He already had one. She's perfect for him and I'm happy that they are together... But as a girl... I still sometimes wonder what could have happened if I threw myself more at him... But I'm so old fashion...

So another year ending and a new one beginning... 2009 I felt everything, 2010 I felt nothing, and 2011 I have no expectations...

Happy Holidays...

The Mirror

2010-12-20T07:31:00.001-05:00

the mirror says it all
blinding me with my imperfections
i can turn away
but the realities will always show

this is how i see you
you are a mirror
i create truths with what you feed me
believing and ensuing a bond
a bond that is created on trust

but i've discovered after cleaning your mirror a crack
what are you hiding
what are you holding back

let me just fix it
for now...

you can barely see it anymore
then another imperfection appears

there's a chip in the glass
all over

everyone stands in front of your mirror now

i can see reflections of anger
of disappointment and disgust
yet i will believe in you for you show me the truth

seeing the good in you
you can be salvaged
i can help

but that little crack i tried covering up has surged through
now its half way through your glass
it wasn't there yesterday
or was it

it can still be fixed

but now things are distorted
things aren't as clear
if i clean you, you will break

tell me is this the real you
or do i have to wait for you to be fixed
have i been fed trickery with lighting and fog

was i being used as light to help with the illusion
let me step aside
let them see you
so i can really see you too

was this all a lie

7:31am Monday 12/20/10

Inspired?

2010-12-06T06:14:00.000-05:00

Not sure if i am but here are more drawings... the first i call missing her cage and the second is just the original and the drawing.... enjoy!

More Drawings!

2010-12-05T09:48:00.004-05:00

I got in the spirit of drawing today! and in charcoal too! i think i'm going to make it my favorite medium... i like what it does on paper... :) the first one is of the original picture and the drawing and the second is of just the drawing itself! enjoy!

RIP

2010-11-17T08:22:00.001-05:00

I wont be able to see you smile at me anymore
Nor hear your laughter

I wont be able to feel your arms surround me with a force full of love

Words that only i used to share with yoU
I have no one to share with anymore

You wont be able to hold my hand
Or wipe a tear
Nothing for your not here anymore

I wont be able to watch you grow old and live your years
For time has taken you from me

Now I walk alone
Only feeling a simply presence around me
Feeling you kiss my cheek gingerly like a brush of wind
Feeling you right before I drift off to sleep

Seeing you while half awake and half asleep
Smelling you right when spring arrives

Although you are a mere spirit now looking down
And although I cannot physical touch you
I know that you make your presence known when its needed

I will love you and miss you my dear friend

Rest in His peace and His arms

Friends

2010-11-14T05:48:00.000-05:00

There are many things people pretend to be. They pretend to be friendly, trusting, and genuine. In reality people have many different agendas. People can decide that everyone is usable in one way or another and can take what they need from certain people at certain times in their lives. How many times have we been caught using someone else for our own gain?

I guess I’ve been guilty of it. But who hasn’t?

There were few people in my life that I can say I did not have them in my life because they had some kind of resource that I needed, and these people have become my true friends. Friends that I can pick up the phone say hey and know that when I say I love and miss them that its true.

But its hard to keep them around. Its hard when life pulls us apart and tells us that we have different paths to take.

I miss looking in there faces and laughing along with them. I miss seeing the lines on their faces. I miss talking to all hours of the night with them.

Its hard when the miles and distance separate us. Its hard when one of them needs my shoulder to cry on, needs my hug to console them, needs a hand to lift them, and its hard when they need my laughter to uplift them.

Yet this distance that seems to create cracks in my heart still wont stop me from loving my dear friends.

I’m long for the day when I can be face to face with them.

What really hurts is not being able to see the growth people are going through. Not being able to see them change and become what they were meant to be. What I mean is to see them really flourish.

Many of them are creating families. They are multiplying! Yet I can’t be near enough to enjoy the the happiness in my own arms, only through photographs.

I’m missing seeing my families/friends grow. But time was created for humans. So it will only be a short time until I can create more memories with them. For now… I will wait, wait until I can reminisce with them once again.

For now… I have pictures and photographs… I can’t wait to see you again...

A love

2010-11-07T03:56:00.002-05:00

A love so tender so pure it floats lighter than a snowflake
A love that makes you shed a tear from its tenderness
That makes you so scared you cannot think of anything else
A love that looks you in the eye and holds you still

That captivates every part of your being

A love that scares you
A love that rejuvenates you
A love that does not judge you

To love with a passion that breaks me
That pushes me outside my self
A thing that breaks my resistance
That breaks my composure

That is the kinda love I saw in you

That kinda love I want to find again
That someone is waiting to give me again…

Come find me oh tender love
Find me and bring life into me again

Bring that intimacy back to my heart
The that vulnerability
That lightness that makes me float high above in the sky

A love that brings me to you

here's an update for ya...

2010-10-31T04:19:00.000-04:00

blogging became a passion about a year ago... now its more of something that has to be updated... i'm not really in the mood to update anything when nothing seems to be going my way...

life is crap. i hate it. i hate home.

its like crap is inevitable in my life... and my parents because they do not understand english well... well its become more than a burden for me to keep up with their things... i'm not the head of their household... why did they move to america if they were never going to understand the language!!!!!!!!!!

FML!

Deafening

2010-09-29T06:05:00.002-04:00

How have these four walls become so small? It used to fit me, you and everything in between. Bursting with life and all the goodness that light brings. And now it is empty and so snug. The window has become a clouded mess. I seem to clean up and I turn around and its dirty again. What’s the point of cleaning something that keeps getting dirty? Why keep trying. Its so dark and now the walls have started to cave in. I can barely move inside these walls. I can’t seem to find the door to get out. I’m clawing and pushing and nothing seems to move. I don’t know how much air supply I have left. The air has become so thick nothing alleviates the heaviness. How much longer until it starts to crush me, until I become apart of the walls? How do I break free from this imprisonment? Can no one hear me? Are my cries not loud enough? This solitude is deafening. The only noise heard is the sound of my heart beating, like seconds on a clock counting down till the end.

Untitled Love 4

2010-09-21T23:26:00.000-04:00

Nights like these brought Layla new days. It allowed her to release her worries on the dance floor. The restaurant life lead to stressful days. The normal working hours at a restaurant is between 60 to 80 hours a week, so it was always nice to dance and drink the night away.

After a two hours Layla was getting to the point of no return. It was time for her to go home but both she and Danny were to drunk to drive. Taxi was their best bet.

“Baby please call. I don’t think I can even see the numbers on my phone right…”

“I’ll try” says Danny.

Kimmy noticed that both Layla and Danny were having too much fun to slow down so she decided to keep an eye out for them. “II’ll drive you two, if that’s ok. I haven’t had much to drink tonight. I was making sure everyone else was!”

“That would be amazing Kim. Seriously! Did you want to drive my car or did you want to take yours? It’s a big hummer so you’ll have fun driving it!”

“The manly man driving a manly car. Of course on a night we get drunk that’s the one you bring along” says Layla.

“Babykins I don’t go anywhere without it. It gets the job done.”

“Right… So Kim which car?”

“Well I have a two seater so its gonna have to be your car Danny.”

“Hey I drove here with Larry, why don’t I drive your car while Larry follows me to your house Dan and Kimmy you can take Layla to her house. That way no one’s car stays here at the club” asks Mark.

“Yea that sounds good!” says Kimmy.

“I don’t care as long as I get in my warm bed..” says Layla.

Danny hands over his keys as Mark helped him out to the car. While Layla, holding on to one of Kimmy’s arms and Larry’s arm around her waist, walked out to the parking lot.

“Wait can I kiss my hunny bun goodnight?” asks Danny.

As Danny sat in his car they brought Layla over. Clumsily Layla grabbed the car door window leaned in and kissed Danny. Danny grabbed her face “I love you so much. It might be all the alcohol but you are so beautiful to me! No its not the alcohol you simply are the loveliest creature on the face of this planet! I love you babykins.”

All Layla could muster to say was “Ditto!” She kissed Danny one more time and started to walk over to Kimmy’s car to go home.

“Ok well see you guys! Be safe!” says Kimmy to her work buddies as they got into her car. “Ok now where do you live?”

~~~

The next morning Layla woke up with a massive headache and her stomach was just churning. She made herself get out of bed to get the dogs out. When she got to the glass doors to let them out she realized she wasn’t alone. She turned and walked to the couch and saw Kimmy on the couch. She then walked to the kitchen to start the coffee maker and tried to remember what happened the night before. But for her life, she couldn’t remember how she got home let alone how she got into her bed. As the coffee machine was gurgling its last few drops into the pot she decided that she should wake Kimmy to give her a cup too but decided not to. Walking across the living room to get to her office she bumped into her coffee table and stepped onto a squeaky toy and woke Kimmy up.

“Morning…” says Layla, although it was nearly eleven am.

“Morning. What time is it?”

“Almost eleven. I didn’t want to wake you since you helped me home… I think.”

With a smirk, “yea help is not the right word. More like you owe me.”

“That bad? Ugh.” Layla sat down on the love seat next to the couch and looked down into her coffee. “I am so sorry. I can’t remember much from last night. Just that we got to The Cathedral and then after a few more drinks, nothing.”

“Yea well I got you home and it was a battle to get you into the house.”

“A BATTLE?! What do you mean a battle?”

Laughing, “You wanted to go back and party but when I finally got you out of the car you ran to the nearest bush and well… let’s just say whatever you drank last night is in your front bushes.”

“Oh.”

“Yes. Then I brought you in and tried to rehydrate you but it wouldn’t stay down.”

“Yikes. Yea more like owe is right. Truly so sorry! I normally can hold my alcohol but I don’t know what was with me last night that I couldn’t stop hitting the alcohol.”

“Yea well don’t worry about it. I’m just glad you look better today then last night.”

“I feel like crap to be honest with you. But thank you for staying to make sure I was better.”

“Yea well Danny would have been mad if I left you alone! Plus I bet he would have done the same for me. He seems like that kinda guy.”

“He is. That’s one of the qualities I truly enjoy about him. He’s a well rounded kinda guy!”

“Well you’ve found a keeper! Best not let that guy outta your grasp!”

“Yea.”

“What is it? I hear a little sadness in your words.”

“I love him. He is the perfect man for me in every way.”

“But…”

“However,” laughing, “I don’t feel the passion. It feels like ‘its supposed to be this way’ and I wish it was more ‘we are soul mates’ kinda thing.”

“Oh. Well maybe your reading into the whole relationship thing too much. Life is supposed to be a ride. It seems to me you decided to take the easy way out. Not saying that its a bad thing but it sounds safe to me.”

“Safe. That seems to be the right word. But I’m almost thirty, shouldn’t I be married already. That’s what the world is telling me.”

“Look I’m thirty two, and I don’t care to see marriage in my near future nor in my longer future. Just take life by the reigns and live it up. That’s what I do. Just enjoy it while you can. I’m not saying break up with the guy. I have no clue as to what your relationship is like. But you seem like you need more. Maybe you need to push him a little to get that kinda satisfaction out of life.”

“Yea maybe that’s it. I need more passion out of him and out of me. I barely know you and you seem to be the only person to understand what I’m feeling. Sorry for pouring this all on you.”

“No, no its totally ok. Seriously no worries. Anything said today is between you, me, and the fence post. But on talk to him. I bet he would be willing to do almost, no anything for you. Well as long as he was able to get it you would have it! You are a lucky girl.”

“Thanks, I just wish I felt it more.”

The Way We Were...

2010-09-15T03:11:00.000-04:00

While ago I met a person. Someone that I only knew for a short period of time. I only saw him at my job. We worked side by side. And I fell for him.

It was a small crush. He was funny, strong, smart, independent, and lived life. At the time he was questioning many things in life. Where he was going to go, what he was going to do, things of that nature.

At our age who doesn’t.

I purposely made sure I looked perfect when I went to work. Made sure to talk to him when he was there. He and I, it was fun. But I could never cross my boundaries with him. He had a girlfriend. He was in love. But she was far away. Another country.

She decided they needed a break. I couldn’t interfere with his broken heart. I wasn’t going to be the girl that came along and tried to sweep him off his feet when he was still in pain.

I moved away. I had forgotten about him. I had forgotten about his smile, laughter, and personality.

I found him again.

For some reason those emotions seem stronger. We haven’t spoken since. But I added him as a friend on the internet site I found him. I know this may seem like a lot to say for a person that I have no clue as to if he felt anything for me.

We were just friends. Thats all! Nothing more. But if he would have said something I probably would have stayed. Just for him. But things change.

I found he had a website. And I checked it out. I had forgotten what an awesome guy he is! Even better than before!

He’s dating her again. I see how well matched he and her are. I could never come between them two. He seems so happy. I’m happy for him.

I just wish I didn’t feel this way for him. But my faith is not where his faith is. His faith has gotten so strong in the the last nine months. While mine has slowly been getting weaker.

I can’t be the woman he would want me to be. So I’m writing because I wanted to write.

I miss him. But he’s better off.

Sharing the love...

2010-09-13T06:11:00.002-04:00

Ok I just got a tiny bit mad. Reading some articles online. People slandering other people because of faith and then no faith. Telling one another that sin is sin and that people need to repent. Saying that sinners need to realize this and put things aside.

But what sinner wants to hear that they are wrong? What sinner wants to listen to someone else who does not see their flaws? That this sinners sin is constitutionally stronger and worse then the saint? No one!

I think the church needs to re-evaluate how to approach this.

People already know what “the church” deems to be wrong and right. I’m not saying if they are wrong or if they are right. But redemption should not be used as something to enlighten the “saint”.

Yes I understand rejoice in knowing that people see the wrong doings and turn away from these wrong doings. But what do you call a sin? Where do you draw lines as to whose sin is greater? Or lesser?

I understand that there are many passionate people that will quote scripture on who is right and who is wrong. They will keep shooting them at me until I fall down and surrender to what they believe.

But I am me.

I have the right to my opinions and I don’t think that people should only see people as sinner or saint.

We are all people taking each day by day. Taking decision by decision. Why we choose certain paths is our own choice. Judgement is not ours to take in our own hands. It is meant for one ultimate being. He is the only one that can forgive and allow us to be resolved in the choice.

What I’m trying to say is that no one man is without sin. Why look down upon others believing that there is no fault in yourself? Why pretend that your life is holier than the person next to you?

We are all imperfect beings. We make mistakes everyday. Whether its the way we look at people, the way we talk to people, or the way we ignore people. Simple things like that may seem insignificant but they are sins alike.

Judgement should not be in any ones hand.

And if you must come down on someone because of their sin, come to them with concern. If your need is to truly help a “sinner” it should not be to scold them of the gruesomeness that you see in them. Ask yourself would they be willing to come to you if you slapped them on the wrist when you don’t even know the person? Or would they understand you more if you come at them with compassion and love and understanding?

Please do not get me wrong and say that you understand them and should want to see their sin as something acceptable. To be honest I have no clue which sin in your mind is stronger or severe than the others. By understanding I say come with an open heart to listen. To hear them out and find out why they are where they are. What has brought them to the point of sinning. Why they feel the need to be in the “sin”.

Why am I writing this?

I have many friends that have gone through a lot in their short lived lives. Some have gone through these things because of need, because its what they know, and because they can’t fight anymore.

As a christian many thank me for not judging them. For not passing my prejudice upon them. Yet how am I to say what they have done is wrong. I have no say in whether their heart did it because of malice. There is only one person who knows. All we can do is listen, to try and be there for them in whatever it is that they need.

Do you remember where you where when you felt your lowest? Try to see others in that light. You didn’t want to be told how wrong you were. All you wanted was someone to be there and to listen. We are all connected. In one way or another. Why should we reprimand our brothers and sisters when they already know in some way or another that what they have done is wrong.

I get it. Unconditionally love is hard to show. But if we show some kindness and a bit of love we can change the strongest of hearts. All we can do is wait it out and give some encouragement. Let them evaluate the severity of the sin and when they are ready we can help them out.

Love does not equal scolding. Love is love. Share some more.

Home

2010-09-12T09:07:00.007-04:00

They say that an ocean and sand can wear down the best of shorelines. The water can come in and sand down the most roughest edges. That’s exactly what the beach has done to me and my sister.

A couple of nights ago, on a beautiful clear sky night, we decided to go in our pajamas, to the beach. We didn’t go with any expectations. Just us, the beach and the moon. We stayed on the beach for approximately two and a half hours. The most powerful two and a half hours of my life.

Its easy for me to hide everything from the world. I do not know who I can trust with the most intimate parts of my soul. How people will take me, if crazy or sane. So I don’t divulge my inner worries or inner thoughts but on paper. Its easy for me to be a surface person with everyone. Not allowing anything more than a simple where I want my life to go or where it should go.

So this past Friday, early in the morning, we purged everything we had inside us. We trusted each other to not judge one another and gave ourselves to each other. I don’t think we’ve cried so much together. Some secrets that seem simple to others that are tightly hidden in the crevasses of our heart, some secrets that are so large that have us hidden under them, some secrets that make us feel nothing and everything. That’s what we decided to let go.

We released them to the wind and to ourselves. Her concerns, my concerns, her pain, my pain… Our pain and love of understanding. It hurt me that she didn’t trust me with her inner most worries. It hurt me that we couldn’t be like that with each other. Why should sisters not be able to be close and best friends.

It should be a mutual love between sisters. NO MATTER WHAT IT IS! Our secrets made our relationship so tender, so delicate, and so strong. I have never felt this freeing... to say what it is that holds me back from life. Its so freeing knowing everything that held her back from me. At first I had no understanding of how I should feel.

Should I feel scared that she will betray me? Should I be terrified of the secret she divulged to me? Should I feel nothing and not show my emotions on the questions that are bubbling inside me to ask her? Or should I break down and cry and keep crying to release all this worry?

At this moment I want to cry of sheer joy! Of sheer happiness! And the sorrow that we didn’t allow ourselves to trust each other with things!

I love her! I love my sister whole heartedly! She is my twin! She is my dearest and most darling of all my sisters! She released something within me that I didn’t know was possible. True happiness. Of allowing to trust someone else to carry a burden with them. To share the fears and worries that we are both feeling on the inside.

You never know what any one person is truly feeling. What they are hiding in the twinkle of their eye. But people are a funny thing. They can surprise you.

Because she and I decided to not judge each other there was no fear of what was said. Also who are we to judge. Your sin or fear or scares could be theirs. And maybe whatever it is that your hiding may be nothing compared to what the other person is hiding.

Its taken me two days to process all this. To find the real emotion that I was feeling. Its a process with me. I am not one to just give you an answer right away. But after the storm clouds have cleared and the dust has finally settled there’s clarity in life. It feels right. Thats all I can give you.

It feels like home. Something that I have never known. And now I can find some kind of peace, in myself, in my sister, in my home, and in my life.

Its funny. I thought freedom was found on your knees at the altar surrendering to God. Yet I finally feel free in myself. I’m not sure if its a false sense of freeing but it sure feels good...

The Tracks

2010-09-10T04:38:00.000-04:00

I walked with the weight of the world on my shoulders
My tracks deeper then the deepest ocean
Carrying your problems
My problems
And what everyone else was holding back

As I kept walking my tracks weren’t as deep
But I didn’t notice
I kept walking
Until I found the surface
I wasn’t drowning anymore

Then nothing held me down
I realized the heavy load made me strong
Allowed to push my way up

With all my strength I released it all
Rolling down to the beach shore
Allowing the water to take it all with it
To disperse my pain and yours away

Nothing’s left
Just my tracks
Just where I used to walk

My Winter and Spring

2010-09-08T09:36:00.000-04:00

How do I quiet the wounds
How do I remove the feelings that tremble at the mere thought of you
Its like the changing of seasons
One missing another running to have a glimpse of each other
Running into each others weather
Holding on just a little longer
To just to see its following season

My heart still waits for you
Waiting for the day your season runs into mine once again
Yet the seasons keep changing and there’s no you in sight

So I keep turning the pages in my book
Keep looking for you in my days

I see where you were on my tapestry
But I can’t seem to find you returning to me
I want to burn a hole where you used to be so that I could forget you
Or unravel it and add your part in later

I keep going
My hair keeps growing
And your not here to run your fingers through the new length

Am I even getting closer to you?
Am I even finding you in all this mess?
Am I already doom to relive the insignificant moments that you were in
To relive the pain of you disappearing on me

I crave for the time when I made you laugh
And when you burned into my eyes
But like the sun and the moon to meet once in years
Maybe thats how our love was supposed to be

To be and then to never be
I am your summer and fall
Will you ever be my winter and spring...

Empty Words (song)

2010-09-08T07:00:00.001-04:00

I loved every moment

And so tender they were
Every memory so fragile
While you kissed me gingerly

I handed it in your hands
Fluttering softly, full of life
You took it and used it up
Now its lost and broken

And then they were just…
Empty words

No more will I live on empty words
No more will I need to believe that there’s
Only life in your arms
I will not follow you
Nor be apart of you
Because now these are my words
Full of life
Deep of emotion not like yours

Forgetting would be to easy
It is what I desired
But the pain and agony
What would I be if I didn’t feel

Your light was everything to me
It was my path
But I kept getting lost
You kept hiding it from me
I was lost and broken

And then they were just…
Empty words

No more will I live on empty words
No more will I need to believe that there’s
Only life in your arms
I will not follow you
Nor be apart of you
Because now these are my words
Full of life
Deep of emotion not like yours...

And why would you take it if you knew that it was all false and abuse
Finally I can move on although I have become undone
I don’t want to keep reliving these false hopes
So I will release you from your empty ropes

No more will I live on empty words
No more will I need to believe that there’s
only life in your arms
I will not follow you
Nor be apart of you
Because now these are my words
Full of life
Deep of emotion not like yours
Because your words are full of empty words

There's no place like home...

2010-09-06T04:16:00.001-04:00

Traveling seems to cleanse the spirit. It so many ways. I recently traveled to NY. My home land, my home, my true love. How I’ve missed it! It called me loud. I responded just as loud. I was able to reconnect with family that I haven’t seen in years and it felt so good. My soul was literally restored in some aspect.

My family is so close and all this time and separation has really made a gap with my external and internal family. My mother, the decision maker, has been absent for the last five or six years and no one has decided to take over that position and be the main decision maker. So now the brothers and sisters (a.k.a. my aunts and uncles) have had a hard time trying to decide what to do with my grandparents.

Here’s the story. My grandmother approximately a month ago while shopping fell on the concrete and injured her knee badly. So badly that she was taken to the hospital to have immediate knee surgery to fix the accident. Because of this she had to stay in a nursing home until she was allowed to leave. Once she was able to leave my aunts and uncles needed to take time out of their schedule to take care of my grandmother. Each taking a week off to fully take good care of her. Yet my mother lives 12 hours away, not being able to take a week off from her time her to do so.

It so happens that a wedding my family had refused to go to because of limit seating made space for us so that we could all go to the wedding. So we were able to go to NY for the weekend. So my mother took the opportunity to kill two birds with one stone. Also, mind you I wanted to go but was nervous to go. I hadn’t been to NY in three years. I had changed and so had it.

My apprehension was rooted in the fact that my family was going to ask probing questions about my unfulfilled life. Am I dating anyone? Where am I working? What will I do with my life? Did I graduate from college? Questions I did not want to answer because I didn’t have an answer to. So I was fearful to visit. But it was so refreshing.

Not many people asked me those questions and if they did it didn't seem like the were being intrusive. First I hung out with the bride to be and her sister. It was lovely to just be cousins. I don’t get to be that role too much anymore. Just to laugh reminisce and be family. The next day another cousin picked me up and we did the same. Just be family. Laugh, live, shop, and find happiness in the easy musings of life. We didn’t need much more than that! Later that night I was able to hang out with more cousins. It just felt so right. If felt like home. My heart couldn’t bear all the happiness. Then the next day I was able to go to my home church visit and go to the wedding we were had to go to.

It was amazing to be around family. To be around my cousins, aunts, uncles, second cousins (which hispanic families 2nd cousins always refer the older generation as aunts and uncles) and grandparents. I was in heaven. I didn’t notice how much I missed that island! I missed its changing weather, I missed its beautiful noises, smells, and streets. I missed it all!

I want to move back. Someday soon.

But back to my mother… in the end the family decided to allow her to go back home and they were going to take care of my grandmother themselves. We couldn’t afford to allow my mother to stay a week in NY and travel back on her own.

But yes I miss my home. There’s no other place like it!

Move Me

2010-08-17T05:44:00.002-04:00

by Gina Catalino

Its something that you just cant find

Its something that you just wont hide
Its something that you tried to deny but
Its something that you just can’t give away

Your love is like a sour apple candy
Toss it aside and make it seem
Like my love for you is just a sweet tooth
Buried in the back of your mouth

Is it the way that you move me
Is it the way that you move me oh
Is it the way that you move me
Move me
Move me
Move me aside

Walking down the street
We saw a pretty little thing
And baby boy she was cute
I swear I saw your eyes swing
Tick tock on the clock
On the wall says my time is running up with you

I wanna know if the looking is touching
Scared to find out
If kissing is something else
Or is it just what you know oo benz
And

Is it the way that you move me
Is it the way that you move me oh
Is it the way that you move me
Move me
Move me
Move me aside

And if I keep singing this song
Do you think that you could hold on
To me

And if I start to run outta time
I’ll reel ya like a fish on a line
To me oh
Or

Is it the way that you move me
Is it the way that you move me oh
Is it the way that you move me
Move me
Move me
Move me aside

Is it the way you move me
Is it the way you move me oh
Is it the way you that you move me
Move me
Move me
Aside

Paralyze

2010-08-15T04:16:00.000-04:00

I found the one thing that will stop me from moving on
That will paralyze me from anything and anyone
It is you

You have stopped me in my tracks

You have looked through me
You made me stop and re-examine me
What a fresh of air you were

Bringing me such a different life
Bringing me such a different look on life
And now

How much do I wish I wasn’t paralyzed
How much I wish I could move on

To push on
To keep moving
But I’m stuck

I’m physically unable to move
Its as if you nailed my feet to the ground
And you have stunned me
My soul
My mind
My heart

I want to forget
I want to finish this chapter
I want to remove all this

How do I shed you
How do I become free of you
How do I move outside of you

How many times have I tried
Pulled at myself
Pushed

I’m bleeding from the constant motion
But no movement
These chains are heavy

They are starting to make welts on my skin
Cutting through it and getting to my soul

I don’t want to be disabled anymore
I am crippled by you
And powerless

Help remove some of these chains so I will be mobile again
Without you

Black Hole

2010-08-13T04:36:00.000-04:00

The stars used to dance
They used to mimic our movements

The stars would shoot into orbit to catch up with us
They would fill the night sky making it look like day
But these nights have been cold

The stars have stopped their dances
They have stopped trying to find us
They have realized how vulnerable our hearts can be
They’ve stopped searching for the pain of finding the truth

Where have those days gone
When I could finish your thoughts with a glance
Where have the moments gone
Slipped away like a passing gust of wind

Agonizing nights spent counting
Counting the minutes and seconds since you’ve been gone
Trying to erase anything that brings doubt
Anything that brings pain

Yet nothing seems to erase the loud emptiness that I feel
I have become a large gaping black hole

Slowly sucking in all of life
Along with it the myriad of stars that used to shine for us
That used to dance across the sky

I have finally burst
My light has gone out
Now I am in pieces
Orbiting in space with no direction

knowing

2010-07-28T08:04:00.000-04:00

Hiding in the darkness
Not knowing if I live in reality or if this is a fantasy
Laying in the darkness as it over takes me

Is it truth or a lie
To control is its means
Should I follow it to where my heart is fully broken or in one piece

To be, to stand
To know where I really am
Not to hide in the darkness pretending

Its empty
But I’m never alone

To bring me out of this confusion
To stand outside these questions

I will keep pretending…

That there isn’t a thing that materializes in the darkness
That there isn’t a thing that makes this world spin

I will be a blank canvas
I will be clear of myself and all else

I will be free of it all
And I will be in chains
I will be a slave to the emptiness

I will evolve into a being with no identity
With no personality
The one that stands like a statue

The one that craves to be alive
To know the difference between light and dark

Breaking Bones

2010-07-11T18:46:00.000-04:00

So this past week I had the worst thing happen... I got an infection in my jaw and it swell up! My sister even said it looked like i was sitting there with air in my checks... and in actuality it was just the infection... I thought medication would make it go away but it just kept getting bigger.

Then Friday morning I was struck with the worst fever. It went up and down then up then down... it kept going on like that for hours. My mother finally got up around 10am and was like i'm going to take a shower and come down then we are off the hospital... I was thinking no thank you! i rather not it will go away... but i'm glad she did take me... apparently i had an absest in my mouth that burst and went into infection mode... and so the tooth, the nerve and another tooth and nerve had to be pulled because it could have happened again if they both weren't removed... anyways they removed bone, they removed teeth, nerves, and some tissue... at one point i was worried because one dentist said to the other to be careful how he uses the drill because if he goes too far that's how jaws are broken... so i was pretty nervous then! but he didn't break my jaw... good thing! recovery would have taken MUCH longer!

so now i'm here recovering with meds that constantly make me sweat and loopy but its all for the greater good now right? oh wells... here's to a swift recovery!

Kina Grannis

2010-06-30T21:27:00.000-04:00

So! Today I came across a video on YouTube and this person was looking for help on writing a song. She has the music down and doesn't have the words. Last week she asked for the first verse and got tons of responses and picked the one people voted for most. This is the one that won...

Verse 1 (written by Kate McGill)
As I lay here on the bed my heart it speaks
I let it beat its beat, you feel the love it leaks
And I can't describe just how much of it is for you and what you do
But if I could love just one it would be you

So she played it on a video and then asked for the chorus and a pre chorus... and I submitted it... Heres my part...

PreChorus:
No more seeking nor need for looking for more
Let us stay like this until there is no more you and me
Chorus:
Just us
The simpleness of us
You have given me life
You have shown me delight
Enjoying the simpleness of us
In the stillness I am happy
In the small moments content
My love

I think it sounds great... but its gotta be peoples votes that give it the win... well here's to crossing fingers and hoping the people like it... :)

And if you come across this before the deadline which i believe is a week from today here's the link to the page to vote...

http://www.youtube.com/user/kinagrannis

Go to the About section and in the search bar type my name... my user name on YouTube is Delicateroses... So go ahead and vote it up... not that you have to... but yea it would be appreciated...

BLAH BLAH and some more BLAH!

2010-06-29T04:23:00.004-04:00

I look at other peoples photographs and wonder why wasn’t I showered that way… why didn’t I receive that kind of affection…

I realize I let myself only receive the emotions I give off… the ones that say I’m ok… that I don’t need much in life to get through life… but I have all these emotions on love, life, sadness, sorrow, joy, happiness, anger, hate…. Yet I wont show them off because I’m afraid of the rejection of others. I’m afraid it will be too much for some to take in…

My sister even came home LATE tonight… I was infuriated with her… I have not one person in this state to truly connect with but her… and I get it she has a life of her own and I can’t meddle with that. I need to find my own people to connect with and rely on. She has a boyfriend who she knows she will marry... so i can't really take up a lot of her time but I can’t seem to forget how pathetic I have been since moving to this state… nothing I mean nothing is going my way… I moved back so that things would be better but I cant believe how much I hate being here…

I could call my other sister to hang with but then that would be something I would regret here soon. Seeming as I hate her boyfriend the father of her beautiful boys that I adore oh so much. But I keep my tongue most of the time when I am around him simply to make her happy but I choose not to be around him so that it wont happen often… anyways heres what I’m getting at…

My birthday just past… yay… I have now been living for 28 years and I can probably count on my hands the many birthdays that I actually liked. My 16^th, the last one I had… my 22 I believe… and any before I was 7…so I share my birthday with my younger sister… and I feel so invisible… more invisible now… I was able to see pictures of her birthday here in south carolina and she was showered with gifts and such… me… not one gift but a beautiful quilt my mother made… and I know gifting doesn’t merely show that someone appreciates me… but I wished for something like that… anyway...

I feel like thats all that my life has given me… and showed me… how to become invisible… I hate the lime light… I don’t like attention showed to me… but sometimes I like to be papered… I didn’t tell too many people that it was my birthday… and for some random lucky chance I got to tennessee the day before some of my friends were going to six flags… so I got to to six flags for my birthday… but I didn’t say it was my birthday until the day was ending… nothing made it special… except that I drove myself to tennessee to be around friends… thats it… and...

The thing is, growing up, people would tell me “if you just let go God will do wonderful things in your life” so I became lazy thinking it was going to automatically happen to me. That I didn’t have to work for it. I hate it… when so many people see the potential in me and then realize there really wasn’t much of anything to begin with…

Yea I know I’m being depressive… but I have no other outlet to say how much I’m feeling… whether if its happy or sad… well mostly sad… no one seems to want to hear and then sometimes I can’t express myself. Ironic that I’m listening to somewhere over the rainbow by Eva Cassidy. This woman died early and yet she was able to do whatever her hearts desire… and I’m still living and I haven’t done anything to say I have accomplishments…

See I tell you I am so highly aware of how pathetic I am… I just want to be happy truly happy… and not billionaire happy which would be great but just simply happy. Where I can be true when I tell people I am good. I am good…

Maybe if I chant that to myself it will be...

Yesterday

2010-06-28T16:54:00.000-04:00

Days sifting through my memories
Finding the last bits of you
Searching for any remnants that will keep me happy
Any thing that can move me along

With weary eyes
Onlookers wondering if I'm alive
Wondering if there is still a breath in me
Wondering when I will return to life

Laying flat on the ground
Face down
Smelling the defeat of me
Dwelling in the emptiness of life
Soaking the ugliness of this earth

When will I return to be another face in the crowd

There is nothing left
My lips are dry
My hair is disheveled
I am broken

How I long to hear your voice once more
To revive these empty bones
To bring life to my lips
So that a new day does not seem like yesterday

I Wanna Be

2010-06-24T03:41:00.002-04:00

I wanna be
As innocent as a child
As meek as a mouse

I wanna run through fields of dandelions
I wanna soar over clouds like a dream

I wanna be

I wanna be
True to myself
Free for myself
Stripped bare of everything

I wanna be naked
Purer than the purest water
Cleaner the the cleanest air

I want to burn
Burn brighter
Brighter than the sun

I want to dance
To dance like there is no music that can follow me
I want to be

I need to be… More

Stages

2010-06-23T12:49:00.002-04:00

As every flower fades and as all youth

Departs, so life at every stage,
So every virtue, so our grasp of truth,
Blooms in its day and may not last forever.
Since life may summon us at every age
Be ready, heart, for parting, new endeavor,
Be ready bravely and without remorse
To find new light that old ties cannot give.
In all beginnings dwells a magic force
For guarding us and helping us to live.
Serenely let us move to distant places
And let no sentiments of home detain us.
The Cosmic Spirit seeks not to restrain us
But lifts us stage by stage to wider spaces.
If we accept a home of our own making,
Familiar habit makes for indolence.
We must prepare for parting and leave-taking
Or else remain the slaves of permanence.
Even the hour of our death may send
Us speeding on to fresh and newer spaces,
And life may summon us to newer races.
So be it, heart: bid farewell without end.

- Hermann Hesse

My little heart aches...

2010-06-22T00:57:00.000-04:00

So this past week I've been in Tennessee. I went on vaca to visit my friends and my sister and her husband. MAN!!! I never knew how much I missed that city until I finally went back!

I missed the crappy streets, the crappy places, and the crappy old job I had. When I walked into my old job everyone light up. I was missed! It felt so nice to be missed! Managers and workers alike came around and talked to me and was wondering how I was doing. Some even came up to me and said I should go put on some clothes and get to working! HA HA! On my vaca... no thank you!

But it was so nice to just talk with them. That's all I did. I just went to hang out. I didn't need much more. That's who I am. I just needed some quality time with my friends to catch up, listen on the gossip, and just be around them. I didn't need to go out and have to be somewhere at all times, although thats how it seem my week went. But I have missed that.

Here in South Carolina I have no base of friends. I have to start all over and frankly thats hard for me. It takes me time to warm up to people and to be apart of the group. Also its really hard for me to trust people so I don't just jump into things right away.

I haven't had anyone to hang out with here. Sure I have my sisters but sometimes its nice to be out with other people. People that I don't see often.

I had many offers to go live with them in Tennessee or California even one to Virginia Beach (ahem t-la and jess). But right now those offers are just gonna have to sit on the table simply because I have no job as of right now. I quit my old job. I couldn't keep putting myself on the line each day while not having communication at this place.

I have worked on and off at Cracker Barrel for the past seven years, and this last store took it out of me. I started working there and the first two months were great. I was doing my job like they wanted me to and working hard and doing as I was told. But as the months went on the place seem to go down hill in a very fast pace.

First they implemented a new system as to how to cook the food and how the servers are supposed to deal with serving tables. I get it. Its a new system and people need to get used to it. I gave them two months and after those two months I broke. Besides everyone getting frustrated and getting at each others throat, this store was so understaffed it lead to people working more than 40 hours. Now I get that people at times like to work extra hours but not when your little piece of paper says 60 hours and you have put in physically about 80 hours.

I felt that way. I didn't work over 40 hours though. See at the store I was working prior to this one it is not permitted to work over 40 hours. Normally they will clock you out at about 39 hours and 59 minutes. SERIOUSLY! When one of the ladies told me she worked 62 hours I was taken aback simply because if I was working at the other store I would have been written up and been reprimanded for it.

Well after putting in my time I just couldn't do it anymore. So I gave in my two weeks, the day after I put in my two weeks I spoke to the manager and the day after that the manager was replaced. So anything I had spoken to him was null and void. So I will null and void this place from my life.

So here I am, with no job, in a different state, with no real friends, looking for something to get me to a place of sanity. I just hope I can start growing up now. I feel like I'm 17 and I just turned 28...

Love Come

2010-06-17T01:43:00.001-04:00

by Sarah McLachlan

Love come
Light up the shadows
Let the beauty of you enter in
For I have hungered for a tender touch
A long and lonely time
I've seen much more than I want to
So much anger
So much pain
A line is drawn and lives are torn appart
The wound's so hard to heal

Love has taken me in
Lifted my load
And in this empty space a wonder grows
A dream of some kind of peace I could hold up is true
Never knew anything about love before you

You call, I come running
I can sense the flood before it breaks
And I'd do anything to dry your tears
To let you know you're safe

Love has taken me in
Lifted my load
And in this empty space a wonder grows
And I dream of some kind of peace I can hold up is true
I never knew anything about love before you

Love come light up the shadows
Let the beauty of you enter in
For I have hungered for a tender touch

A long and lonely time.

Sunday Afternoon

2010-06-03T06:01:00.000-04:00

by Rachael Yamagata

It's a choice to stay
It's a dream yeah and I wanna wake
You have blood on your hands and I'm feeling faint
And honey yeah, you can't decide

I'm a drug you don't wanna give up
Smoke your cigarette and make your love flow
You poured blood in my heart, I can't get enough
I'm drowning and you can't decide

It's not about geography or happenstance
You need to fly and take a chance
You don't need to soar to emptiness
And float on high and forever dance alone
You're scared 'cause I feel like home

I hear your voice and I knew right away
If you were here what your eyes would say
I have blood on my feet as I walk away
Rivers are red, it's starting to rain

I'm not gonna live for you or die for you
Won't do anything anymore for you
Because you leave me here on the other side
You leave me here on the other side

I won't live for you or die for you
Won't do anything anymore for you

I'm not gonna shed one more tear for you
Shed one more tear for you
I'm not gonna shed one more tear for you
At least not 'til Sunday afternoon, Sunday afternoon

These Days

2010-05-28T04:26:00.002-04:00

Can we talk… no… later… ok but I have something important to say…

I’ll see you later…

Have you ever wondered who really listens? Who really wants to hear? And once you’ve said it… who really took it to heart… I write because I can’t speak… I hold myself back in times when I wish I could just release… how many times have I wanted to just scream. Scream because that’s the only thing I could do to express the frustration, the anger, the sadness within. So much of me is lifeless… so much of me is dying… and I can’t seem to add water to it to revive me… its a withering flower that has decided to die… like a desert when it rains its like a basin where nothing is absorbed… the basin seems to get bigger and bigger… I was somewhat happy and now I can’t seem to hold that smile… its like I live with a countdown to the end… nothing to refresh the page. Nothing around to change the outcome…

If people say things are they way they are then why can’t I be the same… why can’t I just allow myself to be me instead I pretend around people so that they accept me in their presence. I don’t speak out of turn, I don’t try to interrupt, I don’t try to make a ripple in the water. I try to be as still as the waters, as frozen as the lakes in the winter, and only moved if the wind decides to brush through my leaves… as if I’m living my life floating from place to place. Not really settling anywhere… not even in my own home. I don’t feel like I belong anywhere. There has never been a place where I can be.

Well there was only one time where I felt like the real me… when I danced. When I felt the music and danced for Him… now where has my dance gone. Instead it is a ritual that I do when I feel the music. It’s as if its a choreograph movement instead a creative movement made to worship… where have I gone. Where have I fallen to. When will I rise...

Untitled Love 3

2010-05-23T03:12:00.003-04:00

The bar was rather large. That night they had a band playing, so when they walked in it was rather loud. But Danny saw his work mates in the corner already getting started. But Layla went directly to the bar, waved her hand 3 and said “shots, tequilla!” Quickly the bartender made her drinks she left her ID and her credit card at the bar and one after the other she drank them down. After they were all done and gone she shook her head gave herself a few seconds to clear her mind asked for a long island iced tea and turned around and headed for the corner.

“There you are. Ok you remember the guys right?”

“Yes, Brian, Mike, Larry, Michelle and sorry I don’t think we’ve met” said Layla.

“Oh no we haven’t I just started working at the office. I’m Kimmy.”

“Well Kimmy, its nice to meet you. Where did you come from?”

“I came from the other side of the country.” Layla gave her such a confused looked. As the alcohol started to really kick in and Kimmy says “California.”

“Right! Of course” says Layla as she starts to laugh. “When people say the other side of the country and I’m on the east coast I should assume its California. Well I guess this stuff is starting to work” making notions to her drink she grabs it up and drinks some. “Are you not drinking tonight?” she asks Kimmy.

“I am but I don’t need to start drinking to have a good time.”

“I don’t either but I rather enjoy how it loosens me up a bit.”

Looking away Kimmy says under her breath “a bit…” and sips on her coke. “So Layla what do you do?”

“Well besides make Danny look good.” Both laughing as they look over at Danny and Danny looking back.

“What’s going over here?”

“Nothing, I’m just telling Kimmy how I make you look good just by being on your arm.”

“Yes babykins you are my ultimate accessory. I really don’t need much else to make me look good” and he leans over and kisses Layla on the cheek.

“Thanks hunny! No but seriously I’m a manager at a restaurant.”

“Really which restaurant. Maybe I can go in and eat there some day” says Kimmy.

“She works at Roaming Traveler. Its on the other side of town near the water. One of my favorite places to eat. Actually that’s where I met her. My food was cooked wrong and she came out to fix it and to be honest didn’t care to get it fixed after she came to the table. All I wanted was her number.”

“Yea and I said ‘if there is anything else I can do here’s my card and I’ll put my cell number on the back.’”

“Aww and he of course called you back, right? Assuming because you two wouldn’t be standing here together.”

“Right!” They said together. Then Danny turned to Layla kissed her on her head and says “You know babe, even though KImmy’s new to the company she’s one of the best. She was highly recommended when she got to us.”

Sipping on the last bits of her iced tea Layla asks “so what brings you here then. From what I hear you must have been the good at the other company.”

“I needed a change from that life. So I went across the country to find something more to life.”

“Something more” said Layla in a tone sounding as if there is more to life. “What do you mean something more?”

“Well I felt like I couldn’t get more from the area I was living in, nor the relationship I was in. And well I was offered this job which paid more and seemed more enticing so I said why not. If this doesn’t turn out to be something better or something more then I will go back to the drawing board. I don’t mind going back to page one and starting over.”

Layla was utterly confused now. One, who ever wants to start back on page one and two, Layla believed that life is one path. It will lead you to where you are supposed to go. Meaning you don’t need to keep changing paths or moving and starting over. She believed by working hard that was the best outcome.

“How many times have you had to start over?” asked Layla.

“Well I’ve been changing and moving on since probably fifteen.”

“Wow! Fifteen.” Layla looked at Kimmy and thought to herself. She doesn’t look that old. She must be one strong woman! “Well here’s to starting on a fresh page!”

“Here, here!”

As soon as they finished talking the band started playing Jessie’s song. Layla jumped up found Danny and dragged him to the dance floor. And so the night started!

Untitled Love 2

2010-05-19T05:26:00.004-04:00

Layla just got home from a long and arduous day at work. She wanted to take a shower and just lounge on the couch all day long next to her two dogs. But alas she had to get ready for the night. She and Danny were going out for drinks and to hangout with friends. Although Layla came from an extremely religious family she never believed drinking a few drinks at a bar was anything sinful. She was surprised when on her third date Danny ordered wine with their dinner. That was the first step in the conquest of Danny winning her over.

She wore a sleeveless black top with a low v-neck, tight jeans and shiny teal ballet flats. She fixed her make-up, pulled the tie out of her hair and let the long curls fall down. It was going to be a hot night in South Carolina. She didn’t care to straighten her curls that night because she knew she was gonna do some dancing as well, and when she dances she sweats and her hair becomes a fuzz ball. So she knew it would be of no use to spend her time fixing her hair. Yet her curls were beautiful just the same. Her hair a little passed her shoulders. A dark brown with layers. Her hair accented her olive skin beautifully and she had dark brown eyes that anyone could get lost in.

She let the dogs out for their usual run around the back yard and once she was done getting ready called them back in.

“Come on guys. Momma’s gotta go and have a good time. I’m trusting you Bander to keep Chita in order.” As she spoke both Bander, a husky light gray with white and blue eyes male dog, and Chita, a small toy fox terrier with black and brown spots female dog, looked back her as if the ground rules meant something very important. As she ran back to the bathroom the doorbell rang.

“Come in.”

“Hey babykins its me. Where are you?” says Danny.

“Bathroom. Still putting on a few finishing touches. I’ll be out soon.”

Danny walked into the kitchen with the flowers in hand, set them on the table and went to get a vase. As he was getting these things the dogs were at his feet just running around excitedly. It was as if daddy had gotten home.

“Hey guys” says Danny as he bent down to pet them. “What cha’ll do all day? Huh?” He got up and found treats for them and gave one to each dog. Turn the faucet on and filled the vase up with water, placed the flowers in and took the vase and placed them on the kitchen table.

“I’m ready! Where…” Layla turns and sees the beautiful bouquet of her favorite flowers. “Hunny those are beautiful! I love them! Thank you!” Layla goes and hugs Danny wrapping her arms around his neck and kisses him a nice kiss on the lips.

“No special occasion. I just wanted to get them for you.” They kiss again. “I knew you would like them.”

“Oh the cleverness of you…” Letting out a small laugh from her lips.

“I know this one.” As he started to think as to where he had heard this quote from his forehead started to wrinkle. Layla loved to watch movies. She enjoys them so much she quotes them at anywhere it fits. She looking back at him enjoyed this little game. Her sisters and her would play this game with each other any little chance they got, and Danny had gotten rather good at playing this game. “Can I get a hint?”

“It would be too easy if I gave you one. Come on. We saw this a few days ago that’s the hint.”

“Okay. What did we watch a few days ago...” thinking to himself.

“Granted each time you do fall asleep. Maybe I should just tell you.” She says mockingly.

“I’m sorry I’m tired when I get here. You know I have long days. So when I get to your house and watch a movie I fall asleep.”

“Well that’s what I like to hear.” As she starts walking away. “That I come to my girlfriends house to fall asleep. Nothing more. Am I so boring?”

“Babykins come on. I work hard at the office. Looking at a computer screen trying to configure codes to new programs and such. They really do take it out of me.”

“I know hun but...” Layla sighed thinking to herself, he does work hard why shouldn’t he fall asleep after work. She looked up at him and said “it’s peter pan.”

“Peter Pan! I knew that!”

“Of course you did. I’m ready. Ready to go?”

“Yea. And I am sorry that I fall asleep.”

“No baby. It’s okay. You really do have hard days” and she kisses him and they both walk out the door.

Arriving at the bar Danny turns off the engine and sits in the car. “Babykins I’m gonna give you a rundown of who’s gonna be here.” Danny and Layla always had rundowns before drinking. Although Layla enjoys going out and having a good time she still felt socially awkward in certain occasions. Especially if there was going to be a big crowd. And Danny knew there was going to be one. “Now you know all my cow-workers they all are gonna bring their girls or guys. From here we are gonna go to The Cathedral and dance and met up with more people.” Layla took in a deep breathe let it out and Danny says “you ok?”

“Yea! Let’s have a good time” and smiles back. First thought after she sent him a smile was let’s get a few shots in me and the rest of the night should go smooth.

“You sure?”

“Yes hunny. I’m ready.” And Danny kisses Layla and squeezes her hand.

Untitled Love

2010-05-16T01:55:00.003-04:00

** just started this today and not sure if i want to make it into a story... tell what do you think its just the beginning though...**

There she was lying on the floor. No one to hear her, no one to help her. She didn’t know what to do but pour herself on the floor. Her hair disheveled, sopping up the tears that poured from her eyes. As her body heaved from the heavy cries coming from her body. She had lost all of herself. Lost every part of her being.

Nothing, not even divine intervention could help her. She had passed the crossroad where she decided to leave religion in the dust and follow her heart. But laying on the floor pouring all her being was it worth it. Was it worth to leave all she was for this one thing?

A year before…

Layla had been dating Danny for about a year and a half. She knew the relationship was getting to the point where it was either get engaged or break it off. She had never been this close to getting married with any man. She has had long relationships but she never was in love with any one man. But with Danny it was different. He was a smart man and close to his religion.

His family was one of the reasons as to why she decided to be with him. His mother, Roxanne, was very inviting the first time they met. She felt her warm motherly love and was pulled in by it. The normal reaction given to her when she met her boyfriends mom was rejection. She never understood why it was so because she had this desire to be liked by all.

Layla always carried a smile and didn’t try to complain in anything that she was unhappy with. She believed things are this way just because. The only time she would get angry was when things around her were unjust. Not in the matter where children say things are unfair, but when a person was truly given injustice. That was her passion to find justice in life and true happiness.

Danny and her had talked about the future. About settling down and building a home. Her family loved him too. They took Danny in like their own son. Layla’s family were so happy that she was finally going to settle down and walk down the aisle. See she was the last child in the family that was unmarried. They saw Layla as the old maid and Danny as the one that would finally win her over.

She was happy to see her sisters married off with children. Her oldest sister, Rachelle, finally getting married after ten years of her and her boyfriend having five kids together. Then her sister, Brianna, married to the love of her life Manny with three kids. And her youngest sister Misty finding love at a young age and married young. Layla loved that her family was growing. With eight nieces and nephews she was happy that she didn’t have a family of her own. She lived the independent life. She might have been called selfish but this was her life, and her family saw Danny as the cherry on top.

Dead Living

2010-05-14T04:40:00.002-04:00

What happens when you are lost and swimming in the sea of uncertainty

What happens when truth is all around you but not in you

What do you do when clarity seems to be your enemy

And your only ally becomes the everyday routine of life

How is life suppose to help in solving your biggest questions

Where is the key to the ever growing lock

The lock that changes and evolves with each day

Where is the one thing that soothes the mid night tremors

The day light ache

And the mid hour agony of despair

How long until you find this life is just a hallucination

That my mirage is the nightmare I’m living

When do I snap out of confusion and see things for what they are

See them for the truth that surrounds me

Yet I’m bleeding out

My life, my force, my being is slowly deteriorating

I don’t know where to find me

I don’t know my identity or who I am anymore

I’ve become a living zombie afraid to be found out

Afraid to have someone realize that there is no life on this dead planet

You and Your Face

2010-05-06T20:35:00.002-04:00

The wind how it blows

Turning the pages

Turning to face the old me and the old you

How I’ve missed the laughter

I miss the silliness

I miss starring at the stars with you

Running down the hall to find you

Looking through peep holes to avoid those that didn’t understand the fun

How freeing it was to have you around

To forget

To remember

To keep running until we couldn’t run anymore

Collapsing into ours beds

Laughing until there was nothing to laugh about

Life has separated us

But I still live the memories of our friendship each day

Awaiting

2010-04-30T04:46:00.002-04:00

The leaves turn

Telling of the changing times

They fall

As if the sorrow of the world falls with it

The cold comes

Covering every inch of warmth

Erasing the memories of season before this

To be full and blooming

Like the day when spring comes

Awaiting the laughter

Awaiting the rains for summer

And yet its cold

Dark

Days get shorter

My happiness seems to drain

Living in the cold and dark

Living in the ugly

Just waiting for the beauty

Beauty of me

Beauty of life

Beauty of rebirth

Perched

2010-04-19T02:57:00.001-04:00

I tried to let her go

Flapping her wings in her cage

She told me she wanted to go

She ruffled her feathers

Squawked all she could

I sat her cage on the window sill

Opened her cage

And she sat there

She didn’t move

Just looked out on what happiness could be

Afraid to move

Afraid to release what she was pretending to hold on to

The day came and went

She sat in her cage perched

Once the sun was hiding from her

She finally signaled me to move her back to her table

To fight for another day

To pretend that her existence is needed else where

I still wonder why the caged bird sings

When her freedom has been given to her

And yet she still doesn't want it

Unraveling

2010-04-14T04:44:00.000-04:00

Hundreds of threads yet you pick the one that unravels it all

As if you knew which one would make it all unreal

Now things are breaking and there is no connection

Everything’s falling apart

Falling away

Washing down the river into the sea to erode away

I’m dissolving away

My love

My life

Just floating away to the sound of nothing

No one around to watch the image unfold

Trying to hold on the last pieces of me

Trying to hold on to the emptiness that felt real

The emptiness that made me feel alive

How do I pick up the disfigured pieces and make me whole again...

Hazy

2010-03-31T06:32:00.002-04:00

by Rosi Golan ft. William Fitzsimmons

I watched you sleeping quietly in my bed
You don't know this now but there's some things that need to be said
And it's all that I can hear, It's more than I can bare

What if I fall and hurt myself?
Would you know how to fix me
What if I went and lost myself?
Would you know where to find me
If I forgot who I am,
Would you please remind me oh?
Cause without you things go hazy

Simple Love

2010-03-30T05:14:00.000-04:00

Your delicious smile

Your deep blue eyes

Has captivated my soul

Has captivated my heart

Your touch makes me feel alive

Your laugh feels like home

A kiss

So sweet

Your gaze burning a hole to my being

Your honesty has raptured me

If I could stop from giving in I would

A simple caress

Your simple love is so complex

Old Post #4: Whispers In the Wind (Feb'08)

2010-03-27T01:53:00.005-04:00

I wonder… beauty fades… fame lasts 15 minutes… then what truly lasts forever… some say love… love hurts… love breaks…. Love rips apart… and love moves away… when do you find it… when do you recover from it… when do you let it go… how do you know when it’s the real thing or just make-believe… I loved you but you’ve made it like a story that now blows on the tail end of the wind… nothing grand… nothing wondrous but still, it was there… I made it real… I brought it to life… I loved you… did you love me… was this a one sided love… I can’t tell… you hide behind those beautiful green eyes… they smile back at me… but with every kiss it faded…. With every hug it got lost…. With every laugh it was put away…. I took you in… I breathed you… I was yours… completely… did I love too hard or not enough… where did I lose you… did you take a different road… were we not on the same path… I lost you… now our story is just a memory… a story just like theirs and theirs and theirs… why couldn’t it just be ours… now the wind whispers to those who are about to lose love…

"allow them to love you first... let them prove the love they have for you …"

Life is full of rambles...

2010-03-26T04:14:00.000-04:00

I want to look back on these years and think "wow, that really tested me for what I am living now..." Not sure I will say that... Not sure what I will say to be honest...

These are supposed to be the best years of a persons life. I see beauty in parts of my life. But not sure if these will be the best. I keep dreaming that the best years are truly still to come. Even when everything all around me is burning to the ground something within me says NO! There has got to be more.

I wish I could divulge everything that is happening in my life right now. I'm not content. I"m scared, worried, frightened, depressed and not happy in any sense. This is why I pretend. This is why I make up imaginary worlds in my mind. To escape reality.

I have always done that. Believed myself to be someone else. Believed myself to be something more. Sometimes right before falling asleep I would do this and then dream of it.

The weird part of all of this is that I wish I could somehow write it all down. But I don't know how or how to make it interesting. I still don't know how to express myself in that sense.

Its like holding the paintbrush up to the canvas and painting without paint on the brush. I imagine what it could be but once color is added it looks like a murky brown. Everything mumbled and jumbled together to look like nothing.

I think my mothers depression is affecting me too. Its not good how depressed she is. I wish she would go see someone and talk to them but she believes it to be poppycock or nonsense. The only reason I would know is because when I was younger she wanted me to see one but would turn around and tell others that people that go see psychiatrists are crazy and abnormal. So since she wanted me to go see one I felt like I was abnormal.

i'm just rambling now. But that's my life right now. One big ramble session. Not really having one direction. Not really knowing what to do with what I have. So here's a simple recap that really isn't so simple...

Untitled/Unfinished

2010-03-21T02:52:00.004-04:00

The grass grows slowly

Its grown taller then me

I remember the times we spent sipping lemonade in the yard

A lifetime ago it seems

When we walked down the path to the lake

And now there is no path

Its covered and overgrown

When I smell the breeze

When I feel the summer sun

It brings me to you

It brings me to the moment when it was life

Now all I hear are the creaky windows

The breeze shaking the house

This house was ours

This house was happy

And now it is fallen

Like the depths of me

Like the the broken vase trying to hold the love

Yet it was seeping through the cracks

No more to be kept

No longer to be mine

How could you go

How could stay

Yet the minutes in the hour glass seemed like eternity

And the time spent away felt like home

Helpless by Neil Young

2010-03-17T05:21:00.002-04:00

**So here's a song I simply cannot get enough of... it was the inspiration to my "Helpless" writing. So here it is!**

There is a town in north Ontario,
With dream comfort memory to spare,
And in my mind
I still need a place to go,
All my changes were there.

Blue, blue windows behind the stars,
Yellow moon on the rise,
Big birds flying across the sky,
Throwing shadows in our eyes.
Leaves us

Helpless, helpless, helpless
Helpless, helpless, helpless

Baby can you hear me now?
The chains are locked
and tied around my door,
and baby, will you sing with me somehow.

Helpless, helpless, helpless
Helpless, helpless, helpless
Helpless, helpless, helpless
Helpless, helpless

Blue, blue windows behind the stars,
Yellow moon on the rise,
Big birds flying across the sky,
Throwing shadows in our eyes.
Leaves us

Helpless, helpless, helpless
Helpless, helpless, helpless
Helpless, helpless
Helpless, helpless, helpless

Helpless, helpless, helpless

Where is Life

2010-03-16T02:38:00.004-04:00

Darkness has finally shrouded my mind

I have surrendered to the thick adversity

I can no longer pretend I live in light

Darkness is all around me

I walk on broken glass

My hands feeling cactus all over me

My skin pelted by the large hail become raw

My flesh is bleeding

My mind is slowly unraveling

Where have I gone

Where am I going

Where is life

Nothing seems familiar

What will I do now

I am floating down

Down, down, down

I can’t tell if I am up or down

I am tumbling along side the coral

Along side the eels and the sharks

Gasping for air

Grasping for life

Hoping for something to find me in the dark abyss

My last breath has come upon me

One more look at the confusing world

One more look at the ugliness I have created

And I’m gone……..

Controversy

2010-03-10T01:31:00.004-05:00

**WARNING THIS NEXT POST IS EXTREMELY CONTROVERSIAL IF YOU DO NOT WANT TO READ ABOUT GAY RIGHTS AND GAY ACTIVISM THEN STOP THIS IS NOT FOR YOU AGAIN THIS A WARNING... YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED**

Let me ask you something... How much does it offend you? How much does homosexuality hurt you? Or affect you? How much?

I see how much it pains those who decide to come out and their families shun them because it is something SO unacceptable. Something so gruesome for someone to become. Do you think that these people become monsters? Do you think that a gay person does it for lust? For sexual prowess? Because a raw part of them that decides that having sex with the same sex is all they desire? How much does it offend you?

And how much do you know that a majority of the people that live small lives do not come out because it pains them to even pretend to come out. Because if a small part of them is shown to anyone that is close to them it will diminish what they think of them. Let me ask you. How much of you will be affected if someone else says they are gay? If someone else says they will love someone of the same sex? If someone else says I’m in love and want to get married?

The decision of whether a person wants to be gay or straight should never be in someone else’s hand. It should never be in the hands of the judgemental. It should never be in the hands of someone that does not want to see happiness in that persons life.

It hurts me how many people live a life half lived because they are afraid of the religious repercussions. Of what it really means if they decide to be open about their true selves. Some go so far to kill themselves. Some go so far to end their life because someone else does not want to accept it.

You preach of love. You preach of surpassing grace. You preach about the comforting spirit. But how much do you actually listen? How much do you actually decide and say maybe its not all about me looking good in God’s eyes. Instead why don’t you listen and ask why they decided to say that they are gay. Why they decided to tell you. Because in all honesty I believe people are born gay. People do not choose it I believe that there are people how are flipped. That other gay people change their decision. But what about those who never had someone else tell them about it and they just know. What then?

Why do Christians feel that this sin is such a touchy sin? No! Why do Christians think this is a sin? I’ve decided and I am 100% for the gay team! I’ve decided I have no right in telling a person what will make them happy. That my happiness does not have to be their happiness. How dare you believe that there is only one way to be happy?!?!

This topic so burns in me. I’ve seen so many unhappy people because of Christianity. It sickens me that people are so turned off by homosexuals. And look. I get it. You do not understand it. And maybe you don’t want to. But if you decide to not try to get involved in this issue then do not try to stand against it. Do not say you are on the opposition when you do not know what the situation is about.

Do not say and try to stand on what you say when you haven’t seen every side of the coin! There will always be two sides to a story and if you want to be heard on your story you better bet your a** that you need to know the other side of the story as well! Don’t go all gun-hoe and guns-a-blazzing when you may as well be the one in the wrong.

Argh...

This is one heated debate in my heart because I’ve seen too many unhappy people because of religion. Because of their conditioning. Do not say it is wrong just because. Tell me why. Give me a good reason why. Don’t just say because its in the bible and that’s why.

I WILL NOT AND CAN NOT ACCEPT THAT!!!!

Please think for once and give me a well educated answer then come back to me...

Helpless...

2010-03-09T02:32:00.001-05:00

There are days I sit and wonder what would I be doing if I never knew Christianity. If I was never introduced to having a strong faith. Where would life have taken me? Would I be lost in the perils of my mind? Would I be exalted in a group of peers? Would I be who I am today?

If my parents spoke english and understood what was being said in English would I be even happier in my life? I never had the choice to choose. It was given to me. Then it was forced on me. Did I even want to be a Christian? Did honestly say “yes please pass the anointment oil.” What if I had a life where I was given that choice. Where it wasn’t yes all the way. If it was “I will respect and fear Him who has created us” instead of “you scare me because I’m afraid of the repercussions if I sin.” There is too much fear given.

The fear if you step outside the little box built, that life will seize to exist, that there is no outside the box... Just one tiny thing... To perish.

Adam and Eve ate the apple knowingly. But it was curiosity. Yes they had to pay for it for the rest of their lives. Yes we have to pay for it for the rest of our lives. But... They lived. They lived outside the box that was created for them. They lived. Why can’t I live outside this box that someone else created for me? Why can’t I just be?

I have so many questions that keep going unanswered. What I am also saying is I do not condone those who choose Christianity. That is not what I am saying. This is just for me. Why did I say “yes”? Why did I decide that it was for me? The only answer I have is because I was afraid. Because I was told to fear Him. To obey Him.

I cannot see our almighty God as something comforting. As someone who I can call father. I only see Him as the God from the Old Testament. God of fire and war. It’s hard for me to see Him as anything else. This thing called Christianity was been conditioned into my brain. It was programmed for me to live and keep living. It wasn’t a program that I decided to buy on my own and upload into my system.

I have split myself from Christianity. I have decided to say stop to the nonsense. Don’t get me wrong. Something within still wants to dance for the Lord. Something within me is pulled when I feel worship upon me. But I’m not asking for religion anymore. I’m asking for more. I’m asking for answers. No more BS. More of what’s behind that curtain that was split over 2000 years ago.

There is so much of me that I keep pulling out and it does not connect to this religion thing. I keep trying to connect all these cords that are laying on the ground and nothing fits. I get frustrated. Frustrated that nothing is working for me. Nothing seems to find its niche. I had a friend tell me “maybe you just need more Jesus.” I’m starting to find out... I don’t think I truly know this Jesus. They say to get to God you have to get to Jesus first.

Its hard to for me to see the trinity as one. I see them as separate entities. One almighty God, one almighty son, and one almighty comforting spirit (almost like a mother). None connect to be one. I just can’t see it..........

I used to dance...

I would move to the worship...

I used to free my soul to His love. But people say love isn’t enough. I’m finding to see that as something more true each day.

A relationship takes work and I know I am a slacker there. I am good at ruining things for myself. Especially relationships. I feel like I’m being a burden to all my friends even if I’ve known them for a short period of time. I don’t text them. I wait for them to text me. What kind of relationship is there when your waiting for someone to talk to you when they don’t even know you want to talk to them?

Hey you upstairs... I need you... I said it... Maybe you can peer into my windows... Do you notice the disarray? Cuz its becoming overly cramped with no room in here...

Tears

2010-03-05T05:23:00.002-05:00

Tears

Tears of sadness

Of sorrow

Of anger

Of bitterness

And tears of pure joy

Pure happiness

Pure and utter bliss

I want to find the one thing that will make me cry

Cry of pure bliss

Cry for happiness

Cry because life has finally given me my life’s fulfillment

Yet tears of sorrow seem to drain me

Tears of anger seem to well up in me

Tears of ugliness is what I am about

I want create memories that will make me cry tears of contentment

Tears of knowing that my life will be ok

But I’m hurting

I’m not finding solace

I’m not finding the stop button on all this anguish in my life

Where do I go to find it

I keep over turning the rocks

At least they seem happy with what life has given them

But I feel like a rock that is trying to fly

Believer by Susanna & The Magical Orchestra

2010-03-02T03:30:00.000-05:00

Didn't think you would trust me.
Thought you would see what I see.
These days have been good for me too,
But I can't stay.
You know why.

Didn't want this to end like this.
Thought I might could convert.
These nights have been sad for me too,
But I don't pray.
You know why.

You are a believer,
I am not.

Didn't think I could ever love,
So I had to destroy it all.
But you will do find someone new,
When I am gone.
You know why.

You are a believer,
I am not.

Happiness

2010-02-27T02:01:00.012-05:00

Happiness

What do we pay to finally achieve it

What do we have to pay

Do we pay in kisses

Do we pay with tenderness

Or do we pay with blood and tears

What do we have to do to get it

To hold it

To have it for just a moment

A moment so dear it breaks your heart

For an instant that seems like forever

For a lifetime that feels like a memory

Happiness

How do we search for it

How do you dive right in

How close to the fire

To the passion of life do you need to get to achieve it

And how much of you do you need to lose to play as if you’ve found it

Draining

2010-02-25T02:53:00.003-05:00

The drought has come

And all that remains are the footprints you left behind

They haunt me and taunt me

Telling me that I should have walked with you

That I should have ran along side you

But would that really kept you here longer

Would that really made you stay until the drought was gone

This emptiness has dried me up more than the dry land

I am dying

And there is no rain in sight

No cup of water near to quench my thirst

Nothing to revive me

I am diminishing and I have nothing to alleviate it

How much more can life keep draining from me

How much longer until this broken heart is healed again...

Long Days

2010-02-22T04:51:00.002-05:00

The days are long

Yet nights seem to go fast

Like a blink of an eye

Spending hours wishing when life will start

Then the moon rises and is soon gone

Having to start again.

Pushing in thoughts yearning for things to change

Never ending cycle of hate, love and wanting

Wondering how its gonna break

Holding on to the things that mean nothing

And letting go the things that do matter

The Absence of You by Kim Richey

2010-02-19T04:19:00.002-05:00

If you can say that you don't love me
If you can look me in the eye
and say that you don't love me
I could say goodbye
If you can tell me you won't miss me
And sound convincing when you say
You won't miss me
I could walk away.

Cause i don't have a point to prove
Or a stand to make
I'm just trying to find my way
And a face to wear
And a place to be
In the absence of your company.
Find More lyrics at www.sweetslyrics.com

If you're better off without me
If you truely do believe
that you are better off without me
Thats how you should be.

Cause I don't have a point to prove
Or a stand to make
I'm just trying to
Find my way
And a face to wear
And a place to be
In the absence of your company.

And I will write you off
Easy as that
If only it was
Easy as that...

To Dream The Impossible...

2010-02-17T03:56:00.004-05:00

So I'm here... in South Carolina... and yet its as if my life as become more dull than it can ever become... I'm stunted in all I can do because I have no job (yet), no car (it broke down on the way to south carolina. The transmission went out in the middle of the highway in Georgia.), and I am bored out of my mind! Don't get me wrong, I love being with my family and sister that live here BUT... Yes there is a big butt that must intervene and its not mine... HA HA!

I left a state where everything was ok. Everything was fine. And now I'm completely still. Nothing inspiring and I'm not inspiring anyone. I don't know what to do. Just sitting looking out the window and once again watching my life go by.

That's all I've been doing lately. But how do I take hold of something I have no idea of what to do with. I keep asking life what it is I need to be doing. I keep asking life to give me passion, and if life is passing me by I have no clue as to how to manage it when I finally do grab it. I have so many high hopes for myself, so many dreams, and yet they seem hopeless and impossible. But to dream that impossible dream...

Isn't that what we are supposed to do? But how do you devise a plan to start putting the dream into a working progress? I keep waiting. Waiting for it to come to me. Waiting. Because in the big book it says that those who wait will reap... right?

I sometimes do hate that I was raised a Christian, because then I wouldn't have been so sheltered, naive, so patient... Growing up people would pray for me and tell me of the great things He is going to do in my life. Prophesied over me mind you. Yet I'm become weary of it. Starting to think that maybe it will never happen.

When we, my parents and I, drove my car down to South Carolina and it broke down we had to pay a towing company to drive it 352 miles to our house. It cost $2 a mile... needless to say we did not have that money liberally to give away. We sat in our house while the tow men were outside wondering what in His name were we gonna do. We had nothing! Luckily my mother called her pastors and asked to borrow sed money and it was resolved. But is there not a bank we can go to were we say "ok I've put in X amount of time praising and praying and singing. I need to make a deposit please."

Sure this family has divided itself into many parts of this country but we somehow kept together. How much longer do you keep praying until you are able to break that bank? My faith started shaking that day. I was angry at Him. I was almost cursing Him.

He says He holds us in His hands and yet there are days, months, years, where we humans feel like we were on the other side of His hand. The side that is never seen.

"Hey! We're on the other side! Did you forget about us?"

Do not get me wrong. I get it. He works in mysterious ways. He comes on time not before nor after it. But I'm getting tired of wondering how my life is being weaved and getting tired of waiting...

That's all I'm gonna post today. Do I hate He who has created us? No. Has my faith dwindled to a thin low line? Yes.

~Rosa

The last days then on to the new world...

2010-02-05T04:53:00.001-05:00

Today I awoke to a bittersweet day... It's my last full day here in cleveland. A place I called home for the last eight years. I haven't cried yet. I'm not hoping to cry. I'm hoping to look it in my rearview mirror and just remember the years I gave it. I gave Cleveland my best years yet... I've met best friends. I've met people that I will love forever. I met people that I can trust with all my heart. Finally found a family group and now I must leave them. I must release them.

I want to stay and live here longer but my time is up. I didn't have money to go to school this year or for the next following ones... So I must man up move home and start paying back the government. I have to become more. I gave this place all I could and now I must give myself more. I must go out release the hand I've been holding and embrace the new and different. I'm excited and scared all at the same time. Excited because its a new environment and I can start fresh. Find new things to do, find new people to trust, and find a new me. But I"m scared because its all new. Somewhere where my labels do not define me, except for at home. But outside I will be someone new, someone different.

Amazing how one year can change you, undress you, express you. Their will be many lessons I learned from this small nothing place. Lessons that will be mine to remember for all of my life. I didn't want to tell to many people that I was escaping this town. I hate goodbyes. They are too final. They say "I'm not sure when I will see you next..." Sounds so depressing. I rather disappear and be missed for the lack and absence, not cried over.

I've moved so much in the past 8 years. Now I'm gonna be permanent. It worries me to be still for such a long time. The last few years has been me shedding myself everytime I move. Pick up, throw away, move on, start over. That has been the cycle. All in the same town mind you. And now I will be stagnant for the next few years. I honestly have no clue as to what the future holds for me. I thought so many different things and now all those things really mean nothing. They were things I wanted. What do I want now? I just want to be happy knowing people around me are happy. I want to be able to pay everything back that I have borrowed, owed, stole, and used. That's what I what for right now.

So here goes to the memories. To the laughter that never ceased when I found something incredibly funny. To the cries for nights when I couldn't feel the morning. To the days when life seem so bright. To nights spent away dancing till morning. To the never ending movie marathons. To the many games that were played where I cheated everytime! To the many nights looking up at the beautiful stars with friends on either side of me. To the many times we sat in a circle and sang. To the memories that made me, broke me, released me, and to those that I will hold forever dear to my heart. I will love you and reminisce as much as I can.

Thank you Cleveland for giving the best few years of my life. I will miss you.

Hey Charleston, South Carolina... You have no clue what a gem you are receiving. Don't break my heart like Cleveland has.

~Rosa

Not Just a Fling

2010-01-25T11:25:00.006-05:00

Just a nothing fling

That is what you think I’ll bring

Just a passing boat in an endless ocean

Yet I have more than these emotions

I have more than these feelings

Yet I lay here trying to pass through these ceilings

Its as if you want to put a cap on this

But there will be something that’s amiss

My heart that is yearning for more

Instead of finding the floor

If only there was some kind of contract

Instead of trying to find your love in the abstract

Everything is so loud

Am I even allowed

To tell you more

I can’t seem to ignore

This noise thats coming to a crescendo

But there was no innuendo

As to if I was more

Or if you saw me as a bore

And now I am hoping and wishing

That you weren’t just fishing

Yet I see now through my tears

That you will never find anything like this through your years

I was never meant for a fleeting love

So here I am making you free of

Of the bond that was created

For it was never awaited

Instead it was a love that was despised

Yet this love will never be chastised
It will be free of the undetectable
And be kept respectable
Finding another heart
That will not want to depart
And feel no doubt
About the one thing they could not be without

The Pieces Don't Fit Anymore by James Morrison

2010-01-24T08:09:00.003-05:00

I've been twisting and turning in a space that's too small
I've been drawing the line and watching it fall
You've been closing me in , closing the space in my heart
Watching us fading and watching it all fall apart

Well I can't explain why it's not enough
Cause I gave it all to you
And if you leave me now
Oh just leave me now
It's the better thing to do
It's time to surrender
It's been too long pretending
There's no use in trying
When the pieces don't fit anymore

The pieces don't fit here anymore

You pulled me under so I had to give in
Such a beautiful mess that's breaking my skin
Well I'll hide all the bruises; I'll hide all the damage that's done
But I show how I'm feeling until all the feeling has gone

Why I can't explain why it's not enough
Cause I gave it all to you
And if you leave me now
Oh just leave me now
It's the better thing to do
It's time to surrender
It's been too long pretending
There's no use in trying
When the pieces don't fit anymore
The pieces don't fit anymore

Oh, don't misunderstand how I feel
Cause I've tried, yes I've tried
Still I don't know why
No I don't know why
I don't know why

Why I can't explain why it's not enough
Cause I gave it all to you
And if you leave me now
Oh just leave me now
Well it's the better thing to do
It's time to surrender
It's been too long pretending
There's no use in trying
When the pieces don't fit anymore
The pieces don't fit anymore

The pieces don't fit anymore

Smile by Nat King Cole

2010-01-22T06:07:00.002-05:00

Smile though your heart is aching
Smile even though it's breaking
When there are clouds in the sky, you'll get by
If you smile through your fear and sorrow
Smile and maybe tomorrow
You'll see the sun come shining through for you

Light up your face with gladness
Hide every trace of sadness
Although a tear may be ever so near
That's the time you must keep on trying
Smile, what's the use of crying?
You'll find that life is still worthwhile
If you just smile

That's the time you must keep on trying
Smile, what's the use of crying?
You'll find that life is still worthwhile
If you just smile

I left my heart on the Rocky Tops...

2010-01-19T04:31:00.000-05:00

There are things that you don't want to face. Things that can stop you in your tracks. Stop you in mid thought. I understand that these things are so frightening that they can cripple a person to not move forward. I feel like I've hit something like that. Like I don't want to move forward.

It's not graduating, its not paying bills, nor is it facing the one person that broke your heart oh so many years ago. Its facing responsibility. Friends I've decided school is gonna have to go on a very long hiatus. I am moving to South Carolina and things slowly are becoming so real and I'm scared of what it means now that I'm not returning for a long while. I'm moving back to help I guess.

The family needs help and I'm not doing anything to help it out. But that's not the real reason I'm going back. I know that once I get t here that's what's going to happen. I will get stuck and sucked in.

Another part of me is so excited for this new chapter. I'm going to find new friends and new jobs. It's gonna be one big party. But I'm wondering if all this new-ness is going to have me retract instead of moving forward. I have attendency to become introverted in new situations. All this is new to me.

What I'm also saddened about is leaving Tennessee behind. Leaving all the happiness that this small state has given me. From memories of having the biggest fight with my sisters, finding my best friends for all my life, to finding myself. I have finally made true friends and now I'm leaving them. Leaving for good.

I don't want to leave but I can't seem to get things together right now. I have to go back to my foundations to start up again. That means going home. Finding my home. Finding my place and moving from there.

So much growing up to do. I have to become an adult and mold to what they want me to be. But its not me. It's not where I want to be. Yet its where I have to be. It wont be long until I finally leave but its gonna hurt the most.

You are right 2010 here I come...

~Rosa

I'll Remember You by Darren Lawson

2010-01-14T23:15:00.001-05:00

V1
tell me where did you go
cant see through all this snow
and all of the weather
that we've overcome
and this thing called life
that didn't treat you right
like a fairytale fantasy
that ended on a stormy night
V2
and we met up on the internet
and i know that you were feeling it
you said you name was mindi-lou
i said hi i'm singforyou
and now lookin in your blue eyes
while we listen to fireflys
on the phone till we fall asleep
memories of you i'll always keep
v3
oh what a gorgeous face
now you livin in a better place
somewhere far way up high
somewhere above the clouded sky
i know your smiling down on me
as i dedicate this song to you
thinking how it could have been
if it had been just me and you
Chorus
and now that your gone
i'm a better man than i was yesterday
its only right for me
to still love you everyday
now that your gone
it doesn't mean our friendship ends
because i'll never forget what we had
this only just begins

i'll remember you
mindi-lou

(/\ click the link to hear the song)

Must Be Love

2010-01-13T03:21:00.003-05:00

**i think this would be a good song...**

You say hello

I say goodbye

You kiss me

And I run away

All I want to do is run under a tree

Run under a tree

I fall into a frenzy

What is this

Must be love

How many times have I asked for it and now

What do I do

With something new

What do I do when I have no clue

You say hold my hand

I push you away

How do I say

That I want you to stay

When I’m afraid of the pain if you say no way

If you say I found something new

Where do I go

My dear

Slowly I keep falling

Falling into your eyes

Falling into your arms

Must be love

How many times have I asked for it and now

What do I do

With something new

What do I do when I have no clue

You have me now

Don’t break my heart

Don’t have me fall apart

For I’m already there

In your arms

In your heart

Your in mine

Must be love

How many times have I asked for it and now

Kiss me once more under the willow tree

Kiss me once more under the trees

Soldier of Love by Sade

2010-01-12T13:51:00.003-05:00

I've lost the use of my heart
But I'm still alive
Still looking for the life
The endless pool on the other side
It's a wild wild west
I'm doing my best

I'm at the borderline of my faith,
I'm at the hinterland of my devotion
In the frontline of this battle of mine
But I'm still alive

I'm a soldier of love.
Every day and night
I'm soldier of love
All the days of my life

I've been torn up inside
I've been left behind
So I ride
I have the will to survive

In the wild wild west,
Trying my hardest
Doing my best
To stay alive
I am love's soldier!
I wait for the sound

I know that love will come
Turn it all around
I'm a soldier of love
Every day and night
I'm a soldier of love
All the days of my life

I am lost
But I don't doubt
So I ride
I have the will to survive

In the wild wild west,
Trying my hardest
Doing my best
To stay alive

I am love's soldier!
I wait for the sound
I know that love will come
Turn it all around

I'm a soldier of love
I'm a soldier
Still waiting for love to come
Turn it all around

Goals

2010-01-09T05:29:00.000-05:00

I just read a friends blog (if you look in the list of blogs on the side she is Sara Renee I believe) and realized... I never make goals. I have never set one. Sure I have things that I do in my life. Things like work, school work, family. And with sed things I have to do things for them... but never once have I set a goal for my life.

Goals are a funny thing. That means that I have to have some determination to do them. Or that I am actually thinking of the future to do these things. I hate looking into the future because I have no clue as to where it will take me. I've always been "where the wind blows me" kinda girl. I like just to go with the flow. Well whenever the (water) current is moving that is. And lately that current has been moving fast. I looked at my degree list and in my major I have four classes left to finish it. That's of course not including the four or five general classes that I have yet to take... BUT that scares me.

That finish line. The clear line is sitting in front of me. But I'm having trouble finding the ambition. I wanted to say motivation but for now ambition is the right choice. I need ambition to finish the rest. I know I can do it. But its as if I don't want to. To stay that child sounds so easy. Keep pushing the adult side of me away. But I have to grow up. I have to finish. I have to make goals.

Goals to me are like the definitive notion of fulfillment and I have never truly finished anything. It could be that on some level I have ADD but I have never been tested. I have so much anxiety about all of this. Yet I sit in silence. I pretend that its not happening. I pretend that it will just fade away... If I don't put my thoughts on it.

I can't pretend any more. I have to do this! I have to make my goals! Isn't that what resolutions are about. Its just another name so that we don't have to do them. The word goal implies that they have high importance and need to be done.

...need to be done...

Ouch... it hurts. It hurts that I have let others do what is needed to be done and not done them myself. I understand these are things of become an adult. But please see it from my point of view. Second child where the oldest child was oldest and was first to try new things, the third child had ambition to do new things, and of course the baby so far apart from the older sisters had to learn on her own. So things were just done for me. I was given what to do.

Its all apart of finding oneself... Goals...

Goal for the year... graduate...

~Rosa

For the new year I will...

2010-01-06T00:49:00.002-05:00

Hi peoples! I'm thinking of doing this whole resolution thing... I've tried for the past... well all my life to do them and they never are fulfilled... so... KEEP ME ACCOUNTABLE... if you want that is... ha ha!

Okay lets line them up... In first place which should be my priority that is why I'm putting it first... Focus on my schooling... I need to jump all in. I start in a week and my heart is not there! I'm quite worried but lets give it a go! I need to do this for me! If I don't do it I might not want to continue... SO let's focus on school, on trying to get closer to that goal of graduating!

In second place... losing weight! I've already lost a good 20 to 30 pounds since last summer but gained about 7 to 10 over the christmas holiday! I know... YIKES! So I am needing to walk more, eat more... healthier that is... and have a healthier look on life. So that's that!

Third place... open myself up to love! Yes, yes I have opened myself up to love last year... How you might ask? Well I'm finally seeing myself as a prime piece of... well you know... :) I just need to focus on allowing myself to be loved. I get people telling me they like me but stop them before the light turns green. So I need to say yes and see where the relation may go. Stop saying no and become a YES woMAN.

So those are my three!

1. Focus on school
2. Lose weight
3. Become a yes woman

These are all feasible but I am a woman that likes to botch it up for myself so it is easy to sabotage my own progress and not fix it. Its easy to regress and stay the same then pushing myself forward. I guess that's another one that needs to be changed then. Okay then number 4... Everyday I need to refocus myself to push myself forward. Not sure how to word this one... Stop living like a child and own up to responsibilities. Yup I guess that's it.

4. Living up to my responsibilities

Okay. Those are my resolutions. Let's see how this will work... 20 10... I'm gonna need your help to keep me in check! Let's roll!

~Rosa

So Heavy

2010-01-05T04:05:00.002-05:00

Its coming to an end

Its finally ending

But I can’t seem to cross that line

I can’t seem to reach it

I find things to stop me from running

To find another course

I want to live pretending

I want to play the fantasy

Thinking I will surpass it if I...

If I don’t think about it

So heavy my heart feels

So weighed down

I can’t seem to carry it anymore

I try pushing it along

I try rolling it

And nothing

I’m stuck at the bottom of a well

I’m drowning

And no one can hear me

The weight of everything is coming down fast

I’m frightened

I’m scared

I’m screaming at the world and there is no one around

There is nothing that can alleviate this storm

The winds picking up

And I’m afraid I will get destroyed

I’m afraid that I will not live to see the next day

To see the seasons change

To see the next chapter in my book

To revert to when I was innocent

Craving to be a child once more

But it will never be that way again

It will never be as easy as a child skipping rocks over the water

Ok then if my heavy heart wont move

If I can’t seem to take another step

Then let it hit me

Let it chip away at me

Let it break me down

I will stay until I am ready to move on

I will stay at the bottom of that well until my arms are strong enough to carry me out

I will stay until I am ready to finish that race

Decemberists...

2009-12-20T00:51:00.002-05:00

Hi my lovely ones! I am recaping a little early... reason being I'm not sure when I will be able to recap if I will be able to get it in before the year ending. So I would like to do it now...

How to sum up my year. To say it was dull would be such a contradiction. I have to say this is the first year I have lived. Its as if I've laid dormant all my life and decided to finally live for myself!

Yet I have no clue as to where I am going with this. I'm not the greatest writer but I believe I have some potential in giving the world my heart through writing. Its my freedom, its my liberation, its my mark. It is something that allows me to give an interpretation on how my heart is doing for the time being.

I never believed myself to be a good writer to begin with and by allowing myself to be happy with the world, with things, with me it has allowed me to unfold on to paper.

As some things in my life are getting better and growing others have started to become dissatisfying and instead of giving those things priorities (which I should never have) they have started to take second place to the things that truly matter.

I have become a stronger person. I have become a person that people look up to. That have respect for and truly enjoy being around with. I love the person I'm finally becoming. I have some say and pull in big decisions everywhere I go. I am someone to be reckoned with. I am a loyal friend, I am a trustworthy person. I am through and through a true friend. Unless you backstab me, then you will be blacklisted for the rest of your life!

I truly have no real wisdom to a year thats closing and to bring in a new year. Here's what I will say...

Stop looking at the things that you wish were still happening. Stop wishing for people to give you what you need. Stop relying on the weak and realize that you are strong enough to do all these things for yourself. Realize that if you have the strength to move your arms, breathe, walk, and think that you can do whatever it is that you are looking for.

And if occasionally you need that helping hand to bring you out of your darkness, bring you out of the ugly state you are in, or to help you feel something then reach out. There is always someone there to give you a hand. Someone there willing to be your lean-to for the time being... And if there isn't... Then I will be. I may not have enough strength for both but I will have just enough to get us by!

For the new year all I have to say is...

Here I come!

~Rosa

My Lasting Words song

2009-12-15T05:32:00.003-05:00

A word for you

a word for me

This is my last prayer

As if you care

I have given up and given in

I wish this was the race to win

But alas I have found no finishing line

Its as if I’ve been trying to define

The you and me that never was

How much of you did you invest because

I’ve given it all

And now I can’t even stand tall

I see now I was your revolving door

I wish we could go back to before

Back to your last true kiss

But it was all amiss

Now I am stranded on the side of the road

And there’s nothing left to erode

I wish I didn’t leave it all in your hands

Wishing that I didn’t give in to your demands

Its all crashing falling apart

And this is what I want to impart

A lasting word to make me feel alright

For I don’t want to stop another and not give them an invite

There is no more light behind my eyes

For you have come and taken that prize

If only I saw through the disguise

Then when you said your goodbyes

I wouldn’t feel like it was a surprise

Or feel the darkness that had fallen in the skies

There is nothing left in this empty house

There’s nothing left in this broken heart

I’m trying and trying to find something left

But you oh you don’t want it

Don’t need it

Are gone

How can I say its gonna be alright

How can I say its gonna stay the same

I surrender

2009-12-14T02:47:00.000-05:00

I surrender

I can’t do it anymore

I can’t hold it back

I fully give it all to you

My heart is racing

My breath has started to quicken

My hands are sweating

And whenever you are near

My heart skips a beat

You have made me a believer

You have made me finally believe in something that I thought never existed

Something I thought was just for fools

Never believed that I could finally let someone into my heart

Let someone break in

Let someone hold it

My heart is so tender

So fragile

So weak

I was afraid of the outside infections

Outside diseases

Of any infections that could make it fall apart and break

But I can’t stop from giving it to you

I can’t seem to keep revealing myself to you

All of me

Every part of me

You hit at the strings of my heart

And it gladly dances with you

Gladly surrenders it all to you

It never felt so warm

Never felt so right

The Injured Artist

Lost off the gird...

There's a snake in my boot...

Frustration

Heartbreaker

My Unrequited Love

The Corner

I wanna hold your hand...

Fire

Gathering the unraveled year...

The Mirror

Inspired?

More Drawings!

RIP

Friends

A love

here's an update for ya...

Deafening

Untitled Love 4

The Way We Were...

Sharing the love...

Home

The Tracks

My Winter and Spring

Empty Words (song)

There's no place like home...

Move Me

Paralyze

Black Hole

knowing

Breaking Bones

Kina Grannis

BLAH BLAH and some more BLAH!

Yesterday

I Wanna Be

Stages

My little heart aches...

Love Come

Sunday Afternoon

These Days

Untitled Love 3

Untitled Love 2

Untitled Love

Dead Living

You and Your Face

Awaiting

Perched

Unraveling

Hazy

Simple Love

Old Post #4: Whispers In the Wind (Feb'08)

Life is full of rambles...

Untitled/Unfinished

Helpless by Neil Young

Where is Life

Controversy

Helpless...

Tears

Believer by Susanna & The Magical Orchestra

Happiness

Draining

Long Days

The Absence of You by Kim Richey

To Dream The Impossible...

The last days then on to the new world...

Not Just a Fling

The Pieces Don't Fit Anymore by James Morrison

Smile by Nat King Cole

I left my heart on the Rocky Tops...

I'll Remember You by Darren Lawson

Must Be Love

Soldier of Love by Sade

Goals

For the new year I will...

So Heavy

Decemberists...

My Lasting Words **song**

I surrender

My Lasting Words song