Gathering the unraveled year...

I have not much to update on... Simply put... I've become really lazy.  I mean absurdly lazy.

What I mean is that I've become so complacent in the situation I'm in its like why change.  Even though everyday I wish I was else where with a car and a better job.  I hate my job.  I'm still working at Cracker Barrel and wishing I never went back.  But being so accustumed to the responsibilities there has made me be ok with it.  Even though I wish the place didn't have so many unheard of rules and regulations.  We have to become robots for the managers to speak to us.  Also many of the managers give preference to the two male servers we have.  So anything a woman says they kinda put it off as oh she's emotional... must be on her period.

Don't get me wrong some of the women there whine so much its understandable but honestly... Not all women are like that!!!!!

Anyways... still have no car and gave the one that wasn't working to my sister so that she can have... so I'm stuck using a car with two other women.  One that is mad when I use the car without asking to hang with friends, even though I and my mother puts gas in the car and my mother pays for the insurance, she still gets upset.  She of course NEVER puts gas in the car.  It's like pulling teeth with her!!!!!!  I hate that!

My love life... oh to be loved like I was their whole world.  I don't know if I was loved once by a real physical human being... but I want to believe I was loved once.  You know, I'm just not physically attracted to anyone.  Its like I'm asexual.  Nothing really sparks my interest.  It only happened twice.  The first person my best friend liked and she had dibbs so... I had to step up off.  (oh yea and he's a woman beater... so no thanks!)  The second one... I could never be the one with... He already had one.  She's perfect for him and I'm happy that they are together... But as a girl... I still sometimes wonder what could have happened if I threw myself more at him... But I'm so old fashion...

So another year ending and a new one beginning... 2009 I felt everything, 2010 I felt nothing, and 2011 I have no expectations...

Happy Holidays...

The Mirror

the mirror says it all
blinding me with my imperfections
i can turn away
but the realities will always show

this is how i see you
you are a mirror
i create truths with what you feed me
believing and ensuing a bond
a bond that is created on trust

but i've discovered after cleaning your mirror a crack
what are you hiding
what are you holding back

let me just fix it
for now...

you can barely see it anymore
then another imperfection appears

there's a chip in the glass
all over

everyone stands in front of your mirror now

i can see reflections of anger
of disappointment and disgust
yet i will believe in you for you show me the truth

seeing the good in you
you can be salvaged
i can help

but that little crack i tried covering up has surged through
now its half way through your glass
it wasn't there yesterday
or was it

it can still be fixed

but now things are distorted
things aren't as clear
if i clean you, you will break

tell me is this the real you
or do i have to wait for you to be fixed
have i been fed trickery with lighting and fog

was i being used as light to help with the illusion
let me step aside
let them see you
so i can really see you too

was this all a lie

7:31am Monday 12/20/10

Inspired?

Not sure if i am but here are more drawings... the first i call missing her cage and the second is just the original and the drawing.... enjoy!

More Drawings!

I got in the spirit of drawing today! and in charcoal too! i think i'm going to make it my favorite medium... i like what it does on paper... :) the first one is of the original picture and the drawing and the second is  of just the drawing itself! enjoy!