frustrations of the heart...

why must i bring myself down...

i do such a damn good job at it.

i'm failing another class and doing nothing about it... i'm scared shitless to speak to the proffesor...  more than that... i'm scared to progress...  why can't i allow myself to become greater than what i am...  to love more and to fear less...  to jump knowing there's a net ready to catch me...

i'm willing to throw my self under the bus...

so i've lost another friend...  he's found a girlfriend... not saying that there is or was anything physical involved with us but when people start dating all they want is to be completly enwrapped with this other person.  by doing so they move on and stop talking to others around them.  not because they forget but because there's that other person who they have to tell their whatevers to.

i'm trying to distance myself from him because when i have friends i would like them to include me in their daily life.  this somebody has only spoken to me three times in the same day about 3 days ago and before that about a week and a half.  before that it was mostly every other day... well i don't like being replaced but its bothersome.  i don't have that other person to talk to the way i used to... he's got different priorities which is understable.

but i wish i was more in their life.  i want to be more in people's lives but i don't allow myself to become that more... i guess it takes more to get it out of me from those people... i guess that's too much than what a normal friendship takes... 

guess what... i'm not a normal friendship kind of person...  

so my sister today tells me... why can't i have you both with me all the time... refering to her husband and me... and i said because we can't have sex with each other... and she said no eww and he says  EXACTLY!

writing, writing, writing...

i'm writing my life down...

not sure if i will ever publish it...

but it needs to be written...

Trapped in the confines an endless world...

I've been having trouble sleeping...

I'm trying to "live" right... whatever that means...

Life is slowly moving.  Which is a good thing for its moving.  I just wish it went faster.

Challenges brings change.

It's what I've heard before but I heard it on an infomercial last night.  On a fitness commercial no less and even though I've heard it TONS of times it just hit me last night.

People keep asking for things to change in their lives.  Things that need straightening but they do NOTHING to change it.  As myself.  I ask for the change and I don't challenge myself for that change.  So why do I deserve it?

I'll be honest.  I haven't truly had too many challenges.  The two things I struggle with the most are love and trust.  And with those you can tag along fear.  

Love and trust...

They say when you are a child you develop many things to allow you to grow up with minimal whatevers.  And up until I was 9 or 10 maybe a little older I started to have troubles with who I could and who I couldn't trust.  

I would discuss something with someone and they would betray me by outing me out.  I was in class on monday, my Juvenile Delinquency class, and the professor spoke about how people need to have a relationship with someone to trust.  Right now in life  the only thing I trust to talk to is this.  To a nobody, a blank and empty page.  I feel free to write on this thing.  But in my actual world... I don't trust people face to face.  I've been hurt to many times from just telling people what I feel and what has happened in my life that I honestly don't care to share my inner mind and emotions with.

Life is life.

Maybe for a change I can reach out and challenge myself to trust one person to tell them what good and bad things have happened...  Maybe they'll think I'm crazy.  Maybe they wont.

Singing in the rain...

New day...

After I wrote the previous post the knot was gone...

My relationship with Him is, well it is what it is...

There's still a strong connection that I know He is real and controls everything...  Yet, On the other hand my trust and willingness to love is hanging by threads...  Not saying that I can never love but trust.

I've been so hurt in all aspects of my life that its hard for me to trust this entity that controls apparently all aspects of life.  

Pain only makes you stronger... so they say...  not sure if I believe it yet...

I'm not sure if all my posts could be shared with people.  When I write its clear.  One subject one message.  Once I start talking I forget my subject and the message and I never get at what I need to say.  Writing is very therapeutic for myself.  

Its a gray day today.  Rain.  

It sounds so awful but I just noticed the beauty in the cloudy rainy day...

The clouds covering the earth so that the galaxy does not see it being cleansed and rejuvenated by the rain.  So all the galaxy sees is a the earth retreating to itself while it purges and clears itself of just things.  

Sounds stupid... but what a glorious gloomy day!

Late in the midnight... hour?

alright... middle of the night and can't sleep so... 

Here I am once more...

I have this huge knot in my stomach.  Not sure if its anxiety or something else trying to tell me something more...

It could have been the dinner I had... A hamburger from Hardee's and fries... Or...

I've been having so many conflicting thoughts recently...  Thoughts mostly about my future.  My future in His hands.  Not sure how it will go back to him.  Well I do.  On my knees but, my life, so much I just am so conflicted about.

I want to believe it.  That I am what I am and that it will happen.  But I've waited for such a long time.  Not sure if its gonna happen.

I've heard of people waiting for more than 20 years for something to happen.  My family has fallen on hard times the hardest its ever been and so has the whole world.  But it seems worst for mine because I feel like we are about to lose it all.  My father who is in his fifties working harder than he has ever had to to keep the income coming.  But he's deteriorating.  He can't stay at that job too much longer.  Plus, he's afraid he will get laid off.

So many uncertainties.  My family has been waiting for His gifts to just flow down to us and help us out of what we have dug ourselves in. How long do we keep waiting.  Until we have nothing left.

Has our family not helped those who have less than what we have?  Hasn't my family given advice and been elders to a church that people have left because of the "high" standards this church has?

I know many other people have given more but how much more does my family give?

My sisters...

The oldest, beautiful, blessed with a talent to sing, and blessed with the most beautiful children!  Third oldest, beautiful, blessed with charm, whit, humor, and love.  A willingness to help those who are socially unapt.  Then there's the baby, beautiful, free spirited, full of life, and finding love at such a young age!

Then there's me.

What else do I have to offer.

Laziness, fear, uncertainty, selfishness, unwillingness to let go, and scared.

So many things to build up from.  All faulty foundations.  It seems that every time I finally find that solid foundation I allow myself to step off it and just, just stay.

I want and wish for more in my life.  I know that I've been blessed with gifts but these gifts are so much.

If only they were explained to me.  If only was given guideline as to how to make them grow.  If only I was able to compare it to someone I actually know!

I want to so fall in to His arms and not care.  But I have SO MANY QUESTIONS!!!! All which have gone unanswered!  

BAH!!!!  So confused!

Paper trails...

Sex...

I want to write about it... 

Don't really know where to start...

How do I feel about it...

Well I know it feels great.  It gives you such a rush as the endorphins rush through your body and just brings you to this elevated feeling... Sound familiar... its my drug...  

I've seen specials on people who have been on drugs and that have been trying to quit.  They show the person actually taking the drug and you watch them start to go into that comatose state and emotionally float away.  Thats exactly how it can feel...

An addiction that can never be satiated...

Yet with people I will not allow my self even to cross the line of touching.  I may hug people but never lay, keep my hand on their shoulder, or anything.  Not even with my sisters.  I stay away from that.  You can say I have a bubble and I do but it depends on what the action is.  If people decide to come close to my face I'm okay but if they hug or touch too long my mind goes there.

Every touch I get from people I associate it with sex.  This is why I will not allow myself to go there.  

I don't understand the addiction.  Its quick love.  Something that makes me feel awful afterwards.  I'm not proud of it.  But thats how I work.  My mind is wired much like a mans.

Quick to get high then be over it.  But in another way its a women.  If my mind was wired truly like a man I would have one night stands every night.  But there's that emotional connection that I need to have if I were to go to that level with a man.  

So many contradicting thoughts not allowing me to understand the truth.  Understandably its because I've strayed oh so far from the truth.  But even when I was in the truth I had these questions, these thoughts.  No one would ever answer them for me.  So finally I will place them on paper.

Paper seems to be the only truth.  You finally see it and understand it.  Its out to light for all to see.

My truth...  Its the only way I can make my connections from one thing to another...

How transparent am I...

What to write...

life... 

nothing new... new semester... 

feelings... not empty or lonely nor depressed... but nothing... 

I have no motivation to better myself nor motivation to break myself down.  But... I feel a change in the wind...  No its not because we have a new president but there's something there...

Yes... I do need help.  Will I go get it.  No.  Why?  shame, guilt, fear, hurt.

I've notice that when something bad happens I don't deal with it.  For example,  9/11.  Every time there is something on tv about it I have to change the channel.  I will not let it affect me.  I guard myself from pain because its seen too much already.  I don't want anymore.

Yet... I understand there's so much more  pain in my future.  To deal and to break down where HE wants me to be.  As much as I run as much as I turn my back against HIM I know my life is eternally connected to HIS.  

I was thinking of the kids in my high school and they will all have professions with governments or as professors or teachers, nurses, politicians, policemen.  But who leaves high school knowing that their life is supposed to be what HE wants it to be.  Or who goes back to their reunion and they ask you what you do and you say preaching.  

I've noticed my sister and I are made for the road.  We were made to drive from place to place and leave our mark then move on.  But are our lives intertwined... not sure.  She keeps asking me to move with her when she moves to another state.  Whether its Missouri or Florida is yet to be seen but if I do move with her... I can't live with her nor anyone else.  I would live on my own which I want but I don't know if I can afford it.  

I don't just want to give in.  I don't.  I want to completely break down to the core to my being to what I know.  Then work on me.  But I don't think its gonna work that way.

I always said I never want to warm a pew for the rest of my life.  But I think its becoming a reality.  Just mediocre is what I will be come.  

Because everyone tells me I will never amount to anything because I don't look like I have the drive... maybe their right...

I know it sounds depressing... but I don't feel depressing... I feel... *sigh*

...nothing...