Me Post Numba tree!

hey lovies.... so technically summer's not over until what september 20th or something like that... you know the solstice and such but i want to give a recap of what has been going on...

no not of just recently more like a summer recap...

how can you recap something such as an eruption from the deepest and dormant volcano... well i'm going to try!

starting this past january i decided that something needed to change. in doing so i started to write a book. a book that i have yet to start up again.  i'm not ready for it.  maybe its not ready for me but i started it.  then i started "counseling"... it didn't go well!  i just wasn't growing from it and the reason was because he is a friend.  i don't think i could truly breakdown in front of him so it was hard to really listen to what he was trying to break into my soul...

he did say things that made me realize what a sh*t life i've led.  don't get me wrong... i have led a good life.  my parents basically gave me what i needed and what i wanted.  but he made me realize that i had no identity.  that i had become what everyone else wanted me to become.  they as in my family.  i did everything they told me to with of course my "wild" side trying to push through... i was an angry child.  i hated my father and resented my mother.  my father who sat every sunday, tuesday, thursday, and saturday playing his guitar at church looking at his daughters making sure they looked perfect during the church service.  and my mother who would let things slide but pretended that my father had the disciplined hand while she let him walk all over her. 

how was i gonna find real love in that.  a broken mind, a broken soul, a broken heart...  i still followed the rules because i was afraid of the Father above... the Father who allowed things, cruel things, to happen to a simple child.  as the simple child pretending nothing ever happened because no one seemed to noticed so she believed it was nothing.  was HE there when it happened, and how could HE allow it to persist... (please do not think i've stopped loving HIM i just finally released the anger i had towards HIM)

this summer has been one eye opener.  a time for firsts, a time for breaking down, a time for breaking through, for finally being angry at those who should receive my anger, and for allowing myself to shine in my truest form.

i'm still working on the truest form but its being worked on.  and i've decided to just finally accept things the way they are. the way they should be. the way they've always been.  this is me.  i am beautiful with every single dysfunction.  i shine with my brokenness.  i am happy finally in the simpleness of life.

i'm not wishing for things anymore.  i'm not dreaming for things to happen.  i used to live in my dreams and i don't anymore.  but i'm still dreaming.  dreaming for a greater hope in me, in you, and in us all!

i'm not wishing for life to thrust it self on me anymore.  its seeping, permeating, and i'm allowing it to just be. 

my life will not to hidden away in a nut... that nut doesn't exist anymore... for it was shattered... it was finally taken apart and peeled away... by one large heavy sledgehammer... :)

and you know never once was i frightened by it.  it was liberating.  it was refreshing!  such a wonderful wind blew my way...  and i was finally ready for it.  finally...

yes there are days where there is no progression in my life but trying not to fall back into the old self.  i can't do it anymore! i can't pretend that i'm okay with living the old life!  i was sad, i felt pathetic, and ugly!

but this is me... it is what it is!  with my physical defects and all!  i can alter them but even and when i do... they do not define my beauty from within!  they will not!  and though i'm still holding myself back they are for good reasons... i dont believe you are ready for what is hiding behind my brown eyes. behind my beautiful smile, or what is laying in my heart!

i finally have so much to say but will try to slowly show you what it is that i'm holding back.  it may not seem like a lot to many but it doesn't have to seem like something grandiose... because it does not matter what you think of me... it does not matter what negative things you need to say... you may want to break me down to nothing but i have something to tell you...

i've been broken down to the tiniest part of me... i've finally taken all my pieces that were scattered and placed them together and i am the strongest i have ever been... and only getting stronger... and you may be able to hit me and set me back... but it will only be to strengthen me...

so this has been my summer... this has been my "point of no return!"  

i'm wishing more for you... i'm wishing more for me... i'm dreaming of something that will finally break you... where you are more than an open book... where you are more than just simpleness...  and love is truly shinning down on us all!  let's try and be extraordinary!  

and if i don't know you, know this... you are more than loved!

~rosa

Old Post 2

February 2008

ALLOW ME TO BREATHE

I lay here 

I stand here 

I face you 

you face me… 

what do you have that I don’t… 

what can you give that I can’t give… 

I’m confounded by your complexities… 

I don’t understand 

are you here to help or are you here to stop… 

what do you want with me… 

what do you want me for… 

I have nothing to give… 

I’m speechless 

find someone less 

find someone more… 

I am nothing 

I’m at zero… 

how can I give if there’s nothing to give… 

you’ve broken me 
you’ve taken all that I am 
and expect me to give you more… 

its gone… 

its lost… 

its far away 

I can’t reach it 

I can’t attain it… 

I’m not who you think I am 

I’m not who you think I was… 

it wasn’t real 

it was all a facade to make you think I had substance… 

there was nothing there to begin with

there is an empty shell… 

easily and readily able to crack at your loud attacks 

at your harsh hits 

at your animosity… 

what am I 

an easy target 

what am I to you 

tell me 

allow me to understand… 

am I to pour into you… 

am I to make you strong so that you can run out on me… 

what… 

is it that easy to take life from me… 

do I so easily build up so that you can cut me from below and steal it… 

I’m done 

I’m finished 

I need the strength for myself 

I’m done with you running my life… 

your nothing 

your gone 

your done… 

I’m finished with you exasperating life from me… 

I’m done with you taking my strength… 

I wasn’t made to make you strong 

I wasn’t made for two people to survive on… 

I was made for one person and one person alone… 

I loved it 

I loved you… 

I survived off you 

I fed off your energy and I surrounded myself with you 

but can’t you see that I can’t support us anymore… 

I want to keep you 

I want to make you mine forever 

but your hurting me…. 

I’m not what I used to be 

I was me 

I was this 

now I’m you… 

I’ve become what everyone said I was becoming… 

I don’t want to live off you anymore… 

let me be 

allow me to be strong… 

you’re my addiction 

you’re my drug… 

but I’m slowly dying with you 

please let me breathe… 

I need to survive… 

not for you but for me… 

allow me to breathe…

**again... this wasn't even written for a person it was written for something i needed to shed myself of.**

The Imposter

Your back

I’m so happy

Back in my life

But somethings changed

Somethings not the same

Oh darling what’s changed

You say you still love me

You say all these wonderful things

But they don't sound the same

Even your eyes are different

They don’t look at me the same way

The don’t burn into me like they used to

Where is your eyes smile

Your kisses they lack something

They aren’t as warm as they used to be

My dear what has happened

How much have you changed

Even your walk is different

Its as if someone else is here

Its as if your not you

Did I bring home a stranger

Did I make love to a stranger

Did I hold with all my love someone that I’ve never known

Your not the same

Its not you who is in that heart anymore

Where do I go to find you

How do I get you back

You sit here and its not you

Your love is harsher

Your smile is plainer

Your love is weaker

Where is the return to sender box you came in

I don’t want you here if this is who you are

I don’t want you  if you give me half of you

Where is the other half I fell in love with

Where is the other half that adored me

Do you think I  haven’t noticed

Do you think that half of you is all I need

I don’t think I want you anymore

Not like this

Where do I go to find you again

To bring you back to me

Because I have an impostor in my home

I have an impostor pretending to be you

I need the real you

I need all of you

I need you back

Dear stranger please find my loved one

I don’t think I can pretend to love you anymore

You are not my lover 

Bring them back

The Heaviness of Nothing

There are times when I think things have changed

When I feel the beauty of the transformation

Then there are days

Days when I can’t feel anything

When my body is as empty as a blank paper

When my mind has nothing to say

When my heart has stopped beating so fast

Everything around me is moving so fast

When I can’t seem to catch up to the world’s pace

I just want to shut out the world and regroup

But when I’m in my solitude

I hear the loud clarity of emptiness

My emotions are blank

I can’t find that motivation of life anymore

I can’t find the loveliness of beauty’s smile

Music doesn’t help

I feel the deep nothing

I am not happy

Nor am I sad

I feel nothing

Its as if someone took paint thinner to my canvas

And all the colors are sliding off and making one big color

One large murky black

My hands don’t even want to write

They are like heavy lead bricks

Hitting and striking the keys

I walk as if I am in a daze

Not knowing which way to go

This emptiness has confounded me

I’m confused as what this emptiness wants me to do

Where do I go with it

What can I do

I want to feel

I need to feel

I crave to feel

I Can't Feel Anymore

**Please don't think that I am in an abusive relationship... or that I am depressed... but I felt dark and I wanted to write dark... This is not as dark as I can get but this was just me feeling something dark. I don't know how well this will be taken but I honestly don't care! It's me and what my mind and heart was feeling. Take it or leave it is my motto! Enjoy and if not then I'm ok with that too!**



Push me
Hit me
Bring me down
Abuse me

That is what you are good at
That is what you seem to excel at
Giving me pain
Bring me to a new level on the floor

How does it make you feel when I am back there
How does it make you feel when you see me bleeding on the ground

Do you feel hatred because I’m not strong enough
Do you see love because you want to heal me again
Or do you feel nothing
Do you not see my pain

Grab my hand and drag me
Pull me all around the house
Use me as a rag doll
My heart is as tattered as my clothing

Ripped to shreds and barely keeping it together
I don’t know how to get out of this never ending cycle of pain

You keep pulling me back into you
With your words that pierce me
Maybe I’m not good enough for anyone else

Will they love me with your bruises
Will they take me with your cuts
Will they love me with your marks all over me

I feel as insignificant as dust
Small and tiny
Just taking up space
You diminish me to nothing

I’m barely surviving
I’m barely holding on
Only living in my misery
Thats all I know

That is how you make me feel
Am I waiting on something to change in vain

Are you really the best I can get
I’m starting to believe everything you are saying
I’m starting to take it all in
I’m become that what you said I am

Something pathetic
Something ruined
Something tainted
Something broken

Maybe I do like it when you use me as a punching bag
Then I remember I am still alive
That I am still breathing
When I see the blood I can I remember that I haven’t died yet
That my heart is still fighting for me

But I don’t want to fight anymore
I don’t care to
I’m just waiting on the day when you finally end it
Then see that I was something more than a punching bag

But when that day comes
I’m not sure you will shed a tear for me
That you will even care
Is that what my life has come to
Have I become just another statistic

And finally
I have lost myself
Lost myself to the pain
I don’t feel anymore
I have become numb

I can’t feel your hits
I can’t feel your punches
I can’t feel you

A Woman's Work by Maxwell

**I honestly can't stop listening to this song. It speaks volume to me. And it keeps speaking!**

Pray God You Can Cope
I'll Stand Outside
This Woman's Work
This Woman's Worth
Ooh, It's Hard On A Man
Now His Part Is Over
Now Starts The Craft... Of The Father

[Bridge]
I Know You've Got A Litte Life In You Yet
I Know You've Got A Lot Of Strength Left
I Know You've Got A Little Life In You Yet
I Know You've Got A Lot Of Strength Left

[Course]
I Should Be Crying But I Just Can't Let It Show,
I Should Hoping But I Can't Thinking,
All The Things We Should've Said That I Never Said,
All The Things We Should Have Done That We Never Did,
All The Things We Should've Given But I Didn't,
Oh Darling Make It Go,
Make It Go Away...

Give Me These Moments,
Give Them Back To Me,
Give Me A Little Kiss,
Give Me Your...


(I Know You've Got A Little Life In You Yet)
Give Me Your Hand Baby,
(I Know You've Got A Lot Of Strength Left)
Give Me Your Pretty Hand,
(I Know You've Got A Little Life In You Yet)
Ooh My,
(I Know You've Got Alot Of Strength Left)
Your Love Child,
(I Know You've Got A Little Life In You Yet)
Whatever You Need,
(I Know You've Got A Lot Of Strength Left)
Give Me Your Hand,
(I Know You've Got A Little Life In You Yet)
Give Me Your Hand Babe
(I Know You've Got A Lot Of Strength Left)


I Should Be Crying But I Just Can't Let It Show Baby,
I Should Hoping But I Can't Thinking,
Of All The Things We Should've Said That We Never Said,
All The Things We Should Have Done That We Never Did,
All The Things That You Wanted From Me,
All The Things That You Needed From Me,
All The Things We Should Have Given But I Didn't,
Oh Darling Make It Go Away Now,
Just Make It Go Away..

A Group of Change

To tell you that I am not changed is a lie
To tell you that I don’t I feel loved is also a lie
To tell you that I don’t fell the beauty this world has given me is another lie

I may not live in greatness
I may not seem more than beautiful
But I feel it
I feel it in the depths of me

I feel the worlds cries
I feel its sorrow
It wants to be different
It wants to change

And yet it doesn’t allow itself to change
It doesn’t know how to

It doesn’t have to be in a large bang
It can be in the simpleness
In the simple lines of kindness
In the simple smiles of acceptance
In the simple eyes of the mighty silent strength

We humans do not understand what it is to be fully accepted
We go and are judged by anything and everything
It could be our names
Our appearance
Our lessons learned
Or our outward look at life

How can we be a better world if we do not allow our differences to flourish
How can we call ourselves the melting pot if we don’t allow ourselves to melt into one another
Why do we have ourselves cheer at the different races being put in higher positions
I do not see a reason to be cheerful in those differences

We are all of one blood
We are all of one heartbeat

The only differences between us is our anger
The way we love
The way we judge
And the way we accept one another

Each level of these can create such animosity
Such chaos
Why try to just accept

I do not mean that we must like or love everything
By accepting I mean to take peoples heartache, sorrow, anger, pain, and allow them to be
Allow them to live in it if they want to

We must take a person in every way
I will not change you to become another me
I will not force you to change if you do not want it
We are different for so many reasons

To bring out greatness in the simple things
And to bring them out in large amounts

How can we say I am open if we close our minds to others sorrows
When we close our hearts to others anger
When we choose to look the other way at peoples dysfunctions

You can not tell me that you are not dysfunctional
We are all lacking in some way
We are fallible
We are breakable
We are fragile

But if we stand side by side
If we hold on to each others hands
And if we hold each other
We are able to be stronger

We are able to move as one in one great direction
In a direction of true change
Not the false change they advertise
Nor the false change that one person thinks they can do alone