Gathering the unraveled year...

I have not much to update on... Simply put... I've become really lazy.  I mean absurdly lazy.

What I mean is that I've become so complacent in the situation I'm in its like why change.  Even though everyday I wish I was else where with a car and a better job.  I hate my job.  I'm still working at Cracker Barrel and wishing I never went back.  But being so accustumed to the responsibilities there has made me be ok with it.  Even though I wish the place didn't have so many unheard of rules and regulations.  We have to become robots for the managers to speak to us.  Also many of the managers give preference to the two male servers we have.  So anything a woman says they kinda put it off as oh she's emotional... must be on her period.

Don't get me wrong some of the women there whine so much its understandable but honestly... Not all women are like that!!!!!

Anyways... still have no car and gave the one that wasn't working to my sister so that she can have... so I'm stuck using a car with two other women.  One that is mad when I use the car without asking to hang with friends, even though I and my mother puts gas in the car and my mother pays for the insurance, she still gets upset.  She of course NEVER puts gas in the car.  It's like pulling teeth with her!!!!!!  I hate that!

My love life... oh to be loved like I was their whole world.  I don't know if I was loved once by a real physical human being... but I want to believe I was loved once.  You know, I'm just not physically attracted to anyone.  Its like I'm asexual.  Nothing really sparks my interest.  It only happened twice.  The first person my best friend liked and she had dibbs so... I had to step up off.  (oh yea and he's a woman beater... so no thanks!)  The second one... I could never be the one with... He already had one.  She's perfect for him and I'm happy that they are together... But as a girl... I still sometimes wonder what could have happened if I threw myself more at him... But I'm so old fashion...

So another year ending and a new one beginning... 2009 I felt everything, 2010 I felt nothing, and 2011 I have no expectations...

Happy Holidays...

The Mirror

the mirror says it all
blinding me with my imperfections
i can turn away
but the realities will always show

this is how i see you
you are a mirror
i create truths with what you feed me
believing and ensuing a bond
a bond that is created on trust

but i've discovered after cleaning your mirror a crack
what are you hiding
what are you holding back

let me just fix it
for now...

you can barely see it anymore
then another imperfection appears

there's a chip in the glass
all over

everyone stands in front of your mirror now

i can see reflections of anger
of disappointment and disgust
yet i will believe in you for you show me the truth

seeing the good in you
you can be salvaged
i can help

but that little crack i tried covering up has surged through
now its half way through your glass
it wasn't there yesterday
or was it

it can still be fixed

but now things are distorted
things aren't as clear
if i clean you, you will break

tell me is this the real you
or do i have to wait for you to be fixed
have i been fed trickery with lighting and fog

was i being used as light to help with the illusion
let me step aside
let them see you
so i can really see you too

was this all a lie

7:31am Monday 12/20/10

Inspired?

Not sure if i am but here are more drawings... the first i call missing her cage and the second is just the original and the drawing.... enjoy!

More Drawings!

I got in the spirit of drawing today! and in charcoal too! i think i'm going to make it my favorite medium... i like what it does on paper... :) the first one is of the original picture and the drawing and the second is  of just the drawing itself! enjoy!

RIP

I wont be able to see you smile at me anymore
Nor hear your laughter

I wont be able to feel your arms surround me with a force full of love

Words that only i used to share with yoU
I have no one to share with anymore

You wont be able to hold my hand
Or wipe a tear
Nothing for your not here anymore

I wont be able to watch you grow old and live your years
For time has taken you from me

Now I walk alone
Only feeling a simply presence around me
Feeling you kiss my cheek gingerly like a brush of wind
Feeling you right before I drift off to sleep

Seeing you while half awake and half asleep
Smelling you right when spring arrives

Although you are a mere spirit now looking down
And although I cannot physical touch you
I know that you make your presence known when its needed

I will love you and miss you my dear friend

Rest in His peace and His arms

Friends

There are many things people pretend to be. They pretend to be friendly, trusting, and genuine. In reality people have many different agendas. People can decide that everyone is usable in one way or another and can take what they need from certain people at certain times in their lives. How many times have we been caught using someone else for our own gain?

I guess I’ve been guilty of it. But who hasn’t?

There were few people in my life that I can say I did not have them in my life because they had some kind of resource that I needed, and these people have become my true friends. Friends that I can pick up the phone say hey and know that when I say I love and miss them that its true.

But its hard to keep them around. Its hard when life pulls us apart and tells us that we have different paths to take.

I miss looking in there faces and laughing along with them. I miss seeing the lines on their faces. I miss talking to all hours of the night with them.

Its hard when the miles and distance separate us. Its hard when one of them needs my shoulder to cry on, needs my hug to console them, needs a hand to lift them, and its hard when they need my laughter to uplift them.

Yet this distance that seems to create cracks in my heart still wont stop me from loving my dear friends.

I’m long for the day when I can be face to face with them.

What really hurts is not being able to see the growth people are going through. Not being able to see them change and become what they were meant to be. What I mean is to see them really flourish.

Many of them are creating families. They are multiplying! Yet I can’t be near enough to enjoy the the happiness in my own arms, only through photographs.

I’m missing seeing my families/friends grow. But time was created for humans. So it will only be a short time until I can create more memories with them. For now… I will wait, wait until I can reminisce with them once again.

For now… I have pictures and photographs… I can’t wait to see you again...

A love

A love so tender so pure it floats lighter than a snowflake
A love that makes you shed a tear from its tenderness
That makes you so scared you cannot think of anything else
A love that looks you in the eye and holds you still

That captivates every part of your being

A love that scares you
A love that rejuvenates you
A love that does not judge you

To love with a passion that breaks me
That pushes me outside my self
A thing that breaks my resistance
That breaks my composure

That is the kinda love I saw in you

That kinda love I want to find again
That someone is waiting to give me again…

Come find me oh tender love
Find me and bring life into me again

Bring that intimacy back to my heart
The that vulnerability
That lightness that makes me float high above in the sky

A love that brings me to you