How long has it been and I finally have some kind of device to use! Blagh! So whats new? Lets recap!
1. I got me a jiz-ob!
2. My car and birds car stopped working...
3. My sister sue had a baby girl! yay! My first niece!
4. My dad has diabetes and now i believe i do to... Both sides of my family have it and thats on top of my PCOS.
5. My house of full of little dark people... No not Mexicans but my nephews and my older sister moved in so full house always... However we get to see them every day and it feels like now they have a little bit more structure to their lives.
So I think that's all. I'm gonna be honest, I've missed blogging... Not sure how often I will be updating but I'll do my best! Till later.
Saturday, October 27, 2012
Wednesday, July 6, 2011
Lost off the gird...
So I haven't been able to blog, or write. My laptop is dead. Yes folks! The mother board is fried!!! My best bet is to buy a new laptop.
But on the bright side, all my info was able to be retrieved!!!
You know normally people are so upset by losing a laptop but I honestly wasn't! It happened and I guess time to move on. My older sister was like 'oh my gawd what are you gonna do..." She thinks she knows me and thought that I would be really upset by it.
Honestly I am upset that I have no outlet for me to do anything. I feel like I have no outlet anymore for my art-ism if that's a word. Oh wells...
I'll just have to buy a new one... just don't know when.... or when I will get back to this...
But on the bright side, all my info was able to be retrieved!!!
You know normally people are so upset by losing a laptop but I honestly wasn't! It happened and I guess time to move on. My older sister was like 'oh my gawd what are you gonna do..." She thinks she knows me and thought that I would be really upset by it.
Honestly I am upset that I have no outlet for me to do anything. I feel like I have no outlet anymore for my art-ism if that's a word. Oh wells...
I'll just have to buy a new one... just don't know when.... or when I will get back to this...
Saturday, May 21, 2011
There's a snake in my boot...
I decided today I was going to post!
It seems so long ago since I last really posted. Not an update just something of me. I feel like writing today.
I was at work today and was twisted in the harness I wore at work and said aloud "I get tangled up in my own string." It hit home. I've been dealing, no correct that, not dealing with a couple of things in my life. I've allowed that pink elephant to engulf me in my own space.
Its gotten so enormous and there is no way out. No way to be rescued. Soon I will be smothered by the pink elephant.
I feel so scattered and yet I feel so at a dead end.
I was talking to a friend and she sees all the potential that I have. But my problem isn't where I'm inspired its what path and which kind of inspiration should I follow. I have so much to offer and yet I am so hindered. I don't know how to untangle the web I've weaved. Its starting to become a huge knot. There is no rhyme nor reason to the mess I've construed.
And on top of that I really do feel helpless. I have no one to really help me but myself. I'm grasping in the air to find anything to help lift me up and its just air. I need a guide. I feel so blinded by everything infront of me.
I'm supposed to have a purpose to life but have no goals set. But then I feel like my debts are holding me back...
AGH! I have nothing left to write. I guess that was all.
I'm working. I might hold on to this "temporary" job so thats a plus. Right?
It seems so long ago since I last really posted. Not an update just something of me. I feel like writing today.
I was at work today and was twisted in the harness I wore at work and said aloud "I get tangled up in my own string." It hit home. I've been dealing, no correct that, not dealing with a couple of things in my life. I've allowed that pink elephant to engulf me in my own space.
Its gotten so enormous and there is no way out. No way to be rescued. Soon I will be smothered by the pink elephant.
I feel so scattered and yet I feel so at a dead end.
I was talking to a friend and she sees all the potential that I have. But my problem isn't where I'm inspired its what path and which kind of inspiration should I follow. I have so much to offer and yet I am so hindered. I don't know how to untangle the web I've weaved. Its starting to become a huge knot. There is no rhyme nor reason to the mess I've construed.
And on top of that I really do feel helpless. I have no one to really help me but myself. I'm grasping in the air to find anything to help lift me up and its just air. I need a guide. I feel so blinded by everything infront of me.
I'm supposed to have a purpose to life but have no goals set. But then I feel like my debts are holding me back...
AGH! I have nothing left to write. I guess that was all.
I'm working. I might hold on to this "temporary" job so thats a plus. Right?
Monday, April 18, 2011
Frustration
I never meant to let this blog go by with a month and not have an update. Oh wells. People are human and they actually have lives.
So you may ask what has happened.
Absolutely nothing.
I did pick up a new job for a few months at a construction site. I actually like the hard work. It keeps my hands busy so I'm amused all day at work. Plus I work with witty funny guys so it makes working there more of a pleasure. Although one of the guys there has a crush on me and I do not feel anything for him! Plus he's stinky!!! NO THANK YOU! HA HA! Seriously though, I will not go there. He even asked my older sister if I like weddings and if I would like to go. Her response "don't get your hopes up!" Thank you sister!
Also my sisters boys have been here at my parents house. My older sister has four boys, one of which is with his father because my sister and her boyfriend are not together and the oldest boy still has school and she couldn't take him back and forth from school since she started a new job. ANYWAY... my mother and youngest sister have become the babysitters and I have become the grocery shopper/gas filler, and my older sister has been taking us for a free ride...
We don't do any of this for her, we do it all for the boys. It breaks my heart that even when she has time off she doesn't seem to take care of them the way they should be. Since the boys have been here in the house my mother and sister feed them, bathe them, change their diapers, and make sure they are well entertained all day! In the morning she doesn't even wake up to them. I woke up Saturday morning early before my 9am shift to feed them, change them and make sure they will be good before I leave. Where was my sister snoring loud in her bed. She frustrates us all!
She takes too many liberties and yet we let her do it. How do you tell her "you have to be on restraints for we do not help you but your children?"
Ah whatever... there's only a few weeks left to this job so I'm hoping it goes fast!
So you may ask what has happened.
Absolutely nothing.
I did pick up a new job for a few months at a construction site. I actually like the hard work. It keeps my hands busy so I'm amused all day at work. Plus I work with witty funny guys so it makes working there more of a pleasure. Although one of the guys there has a crush on me and I do not feel anything for him! Plus he's stinky!!! NO THANK YOU! HA HA! Seriously though, I will not go there. He even asked my older sister if I like weddings and if I would like to go. Her response "don't get your hopes up!" Thank you sister!
Also my sisters boys have been here at my parents house. My older sister has four boys, one of which is with his father because my sister and her boyfriend are not together and the oldest boy still has school and she couldn't take him back and forth from school since she started a new job. ANYWAY... my mother and youngest sister have become the babysitters and I have become the grocery shopper/gas filler, and my older sister has been taking us for a free ride...
We don't do any of this for her, we do it all for the boys. It breaks my heart that even when she has time off she doesn't seem to take care of them the way they should be. Since the boys have been here in the house my mother and sister feed them, bathe them, change their diapers, and make sure they are well entertained all day! In the morning she doesn't even wake up to them. I woke up Saturday morning early before my 9am shift to feed them, change them and make sure they will be good before I leave. Where was my sister snoring loud in her bed. She frustrates us all!
She takes too many liberties and yet we let her do it. How do you tell her "you have to be on restraints for we do not help you but your children?"
Ah whatever... there's only a few weeks left to this job so I'm hoping it goes fast!
Monday, February 28, 2011
Heartbreaker
Its been different around here. I’ve been contemplating so many things in life. About how to make myself happy. However, I don’t know how to do it without hurting people. I want to break free from what my family tells me I should do. But… I don’t know how to do me.
I don’t know how to just let go and allow me to be me in my purest form. The past two years have been revealing. I feel as if I have found the other half of who I am. It took a lot to find me. First I had to forget pains. Then I had to release things that I held on to for no reasons. After all that was settled and done, after all that was taken away, what did I find? I was stripped bare and found that little scared girl. The one that was still throwing a tantrum because she wasn’t being heard.
Sometimes I feel like that little girl. Feeling as if no one is listening. Feeling as if I’m alone on whatever comes out from me.
What does it take for someone to finally come to me and tell me to stop screaming?
I think people don’t want to look through and sift through a person. What does it take for a true friend to sit there and sift? I”m looking for a “donkey” to my “shrek” (but not as annoying).
I’m in desperate need of someone that will sift through me again. To just sit and listen. Even if its nonsense or just me repeating what I say.
I hide my emotions. I don’t like being an emotional burden on anyone. Even though I become a financial burden on my family. I depend on them too much. I don’t have a clue as to how to be independent in that aspect. But with my emotions its basically a breeze for me to hide them under this clever mask I wear.
Especially feelings that I still keep holding on to. Such as the ones of hope.
Do you remember when you were younger and everything seemed so exciting. So hopeful and bright. My family of course being hispanic has a huge tie to religion. It is part of our genetic make-up. We have to believe in supernatural being that controls this universe. We were never Catholic, but my family is hard core pentecostal, that is holy ghost, speaking in tongues, Jesus freaks kinda people.
Of course growing up in it people would come over and speak over you and say that the Lord will do great things in you, if you just let go. Things of that nature. And I seemed to get it more often than all my sisters. So I felt destined to do great and terrible things. But here I am about to turn the big 3-0 and feel like there will never be anything grandiose that will come from me. My mother still looks at me with those hopeful eyes. I read them everyday and everyday they tell me the same thing… can’t you see how great you will be, because I can.
Its become a burden to me.
I hate that look. Loathe it.
But what can you do. Its your mother. You just smile and nod. Tell her it will happen. But all I want to do is break her heart so that she will live in the harsh reality of life. But then again do I really want to be the one that broke her heart. As a child you don’t want to do anything but please your parents. As an adult you want to look back and thank your parents for allowing them to let you make mistakes. And yes my parents allow me to make mistakes but some “mistakes” aren’t really mistakes. They are decisions taken so that I can be the real me. Whoever she maybe.
What is the undertone of all this? I don’t know. What I do know is that I don’t want to be the person in my mothers eyes. Not anymore.
I want to be me. Just me. With out her hopes.
I don’t know how to just let go and allow me to be me in my purest form. The past two years have been revealing. I feel as if I have found the other half of who I am. It took a lot to find me. First I had to forget pains. Then I had to release things that I held on to for no reasons. After all that was settled and done, after all that was taken away, what did I find? I was stripped bare and found that little scared girl. The one that was still throwing a tantrum because she wasn’t being heard.
Sometimes I feel like that little girl. Feeling as if no one is listening. Feeling as if I’m alone on whatever comes out from me.
What does it take for someone to finally come to me and tell me to stop screaming?
I think people don’t want to look through and sift through a person. What does it take for a true friend to sit there and sift? I”m looking for a “donkey” to my “shrek” (but not as annoying).
I’m in desperate need of someone that will sift through me again. To just sit and listen. Even if its nonsense or just me repeating what I say.
I hide my emotions. I don’t like being an emotional burden on anyone. Even though I become a financial burden on my family. I depend on them too much. I don’t have a clue as to how to be independent in that aspect. But with my emotions its basically a breeze for me to hide them under this clever mask I wear.
Especially feelings that I still keep holding on to. Such as the ones of hope.
Do you remember when you were younger and everything seemed so exciting. So hopeful and bright. My family of course being hispanic has a huge tie to religion. It is part of our genetic make-up. We have to believe in supernatural being that controls this universe. We were never Catholic, but my family is hard core pentecostal, that is holy ghost, speaking in tongues, Jesus freaks kinda people.
Of course growing up in it people would come over and speak over you and say that the Lord will do great things in you, if you just let go. Things of that nature. And I seemed to get it more often than all my sisters. So I felt destined to do great and terrible things. But here I am about to turn the big 3-0 and feel like there will never be anything grandiose that will come from me. My mother still looks at me with those hopeful eyes. I read them everyday and everyday they tell me the same thing… can’t you see how great you will be, because I can.
Its become a burden to me.
I hate that look. Loathe it.
But what can you do. Its your mother. You just smile and nod. Tell her it will happen. But all I want to do is break her heart so that she will live in the harsh reality of life. But then again do I really want to be the one that broke her heart. As a child you don’t want to do anything but please your parents. As an adult you want to look back and thank your parents for allowing them to let you make mistakes. And yes my parents allow me to make mistakes but some “mistakes” aren’t really mistakes. They are decisions taken so that I can be the real me. Whoever she maybe.
What is the undertone of all this? I don’t know. What I do know is that I don’t want to be the person in my mothers eyes. Not anymore.
I want to be me. Just me. With out her hopes.
Monday, February 14, 2011
My Unrequited Love
I chant to myself you weren’t real
You never existed
You meant nothing to me
And with every word my voice gets smaller
One tear drops
Then my lips start to quiver
You never meant anything to me
But you meant the world to me
You meant everything
Every memory is like an aching thorn
A bruise that never wants to clear up
A wound that reopens making your reality hurt so much
I allowed myself to grieve over you
To move on
To live once more
And here I am
Like a slap in the face
Reminded of the unrequited love
Like a match that quickly surrendered to ash
All I want is to believe that you never existed
That you were never in every inch of my memory
And yet
My heart has so much scar tissue
From you ripping in to me
From you making me surrender to you
I tried and tried to remove myself
And I couldn’t even claw myself away
Why don’t you remember
I want to forget every part of you
Now this make-up smeared face needs to wipe your memory away
To really believe
And stop chanting
You never meant anything to me...
It was never what I did wrong
It was never how I could change to make you stay
It was all on you
I truly loved you
I truly did
Love to you…
It doesn’t mean anything
Does it...
You never existed
You meant nothing to me
And with every word my voice gets smaller
One tear drops
Then my lips start to quiver
You never meant anything to me
But you meant the world to me
You meant everything
Every memory is like an aching thorn
A bruise that never wants to clear up
A wound that reopens making your reality hurt so much
I allowed myself to grieve over you
To move on
To live once more
And here I am
Like a slap in the face
Reminded of the unrequited love
Like a match that quickly surrendered to ash
All I want is to believe that you never existed
That you were never in every inch of my memory
And yet
My heart has so much scar tissue
From you ripping in to me
From you making me surrender to you
I tried and tried to remove myself
And I couldn’t even claw myself away
Why don’t you remember
I want to forget every part of you
Now this make-up smeared face needs to wipe your memory away
To really believe
And stop chanting
You never meant anything to me...
It was never what I did wrong
It was never how I could change to make you stay
It was all on you
I truly loved you
I truly did
Love to you…
It doesn’t mean anything
Does it...
Thursday, February 10, 2011
The Corner
Today I found your corner
In the back of my mind
Far from all living and creating
Far from all of me but still in the back of my mind
You were my immovable mountain
I found you and shook you
I held every vulnerable part of you
Yet it wasn’t enough
You laid out everything new for me
And I soaked it in
Its been almost two years
I found your corner today
I swore I wasn’t going to shed a tear for you
And some how I fell anyway
I relived the memory of you and me
Shed tears
Shed myself
I think its time
I will finally clean out everything
Every single part of me you touched
Every part of me you knew
I know I was not what made you whole
But you found the other half of me
I will not thank you
Nor curse you
I will just forget you
The corner you used to call home is devoid of you
I will fill it with all of me and your memory will not even exist
In the back of my mind
Far from all living and creating
Far from all of me but still in the back of my mind
You were my immovable mountain
I found you and shook you
I held every vulnerable part of you
Yet it wasn’t enough
You laid out everything new for me
And I soaked it in
Its been almost two years
I found your corner today
I swore I wasn’t going to shed a tear for you
And some how I fell anyway
I relived the memory of you and me
Shed tears
Shed myself
I think its time
I will finally clean out everything
Every single part of me you touched
Every part of me you knew
I know I was not what made you whole
But you found the other half of me
I will not thank you
Nor curse you
I will just forget you
The corner you used to call home is devoid of you
I will fill it with all of me and your memory will not even exist
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