Heartbreaker

Its been different around here. I’ve been contemplating so many things in life. About how to make myself happy. However, I don’t know how to do it without hurting people. I want to break free from what my family tells me I should do. But… I don’t know how to do me.

I don’t know how to just let go and allow me to be me in my purest form. The past two years have been revealing. I feel as if I have found the other half of who I am. It took a lot to find me. First I had to forget pains. Then I had to release things that I held on to for no reasons. After all that was settled and done, after all that was taken away, what did I find? I was stripped bare and found that little scared girl. The one that was still throwing a tantrum because she wasn’t being heard.

Sometimes I feel like that little girl. Feeling as if no one is listening. Feeling as if I’m alone on whatever comes out from me.

What does it take for someone to finally come to me and tell me to stop screaming?

I think people don’t want to look through and sift through a person. What does it take for a true friend to sit there and sift? I”m looking for a “donkey” to my “shrek” (but not as annoying).

I’m in desperate need of someone that will sift through me again. To just sit and listen. Even if its nonsense or just me repeating what I say.

I hide my emotions. I don’t like being an emotional burden on anyone. Even though I become a financial burden on my family. I depend on them too much. I don’t have a clue as to how to be independent in that aspect. But with my emotions its basically a breeze for me to hide them under this clever mask I wear.

Especially feelings that I still keep holding on to. Such as the ones of hope.

Do you remember when you were younger and everything seemed so exciting. So hopeful and bright. My family of course being hispanic has a huge tie to religion. It is part of our genetic make-up. We have to believe in supernatural being that controls this universe. We were never Catholic, but my family is hard core pentecostal, that is holy ghost, speaking in tongues, Jesus freaks kinda people.

Of course growing up in it people would come over and speak over you and say that the Lord will do great things in you, if you just let go. Things of that nature. And I seemed to get it more often than all my sisters. So I felt destined to do great and terrible things. But here I am about to turn the big 3-0 and feel like there will never be anything grandiose that will come from me. My mother still looks at me with those hopeful eyes. I read them everyday and everyday they tell me the same thing… can’t you see how great you will be, because I can.

Its become a burden to me.

I hate that look. Loathe it.

But what can you do. Its your mother. You just smile and nod. Tell her it will happen. But all I want to do is break her heart so that she will live in the harsh reality of life. But then again do I really want to be the one that broke her heart. As a child you don’t want to do anything but please your parents. As an adult you want to look back and thank your parents for allowing them to let you make mistakes. And yes my parents allow me to make mistakes but some “mistakes” aren’t really mistakes. They are decisions taken so that I can be the real me. Whoever she maybe.

What is the undertone of all this? I don’t know. What I do know is that I don’t want to be the person in my mothers eyes. Not anymore.

I want to be me. Just me. With out her hopes.

My Unrequited Love

I chant to myself you weren’t real
You never existed
You meant nothing to me

And with every word my voice gets smaller
One tear drops
Then my lips start to quiver

You never meant anything to me

But you meant the world to me
You meant everything

Every memory is like an aching thorn
A bruise that never wants to clear up
A wound that reopens making your reality hurt so much

I allowed myself to grieve over you
To move on
To live once more

And here I am
Like a slap in the face
Reminded of the unrequited love

Like a match that quickly surrendered to ash

All I want is to believe that you never existed
That you were never in every inch of my memory

And yet

My heart has so much scar tissue
From you ripping in to me
From you making me surrender to you

I tried and tried to remove myself
And I couldn’t even claw myself away

Why don’t you remember

I want to forget every part of you

Now this make-up smeared face needs to wipe your memory away
To really believe
And stop chanting

You never meant anything to me...

It was never what I did wrong
It was never how I could change to make you stay
It was all on you

I truly loved you
I truly did

Love to you…
It doesn’t mean anything
Does it...

The Corner

Today I found your corner
In the back of my mind
Far from all living and creating

Far from all of me but still in the back of my mind

You were my immovable mountain
I found you and shook you
I held every vulnerable part of you

Yet it wasn’t enough

You laid out everything new for me
And I soaked it in

Its been almost two years

I found your corner today
I swore I wasn’t going to shed a tear for you
And some how I fell anyway

I relived the memory of you and me
Shed tears
Shed myself

I think its time
I will finally clean out everything
Every single part of me you touched
Every part of me you knew

I know I was not what made you whole
But you found the other half of me
I will not thank you
Nor curse you

I will just forget you

The corner you used to call home is devoid of you
I will fill it with all of me and your memory will not even exist