LISTEN!

not scared... but completely hurt!

why do i seem so complexed and perplexed?

you see me day in and day
you tell me what to do
you tell me only of your good tidings

you never ask me
you never see the real me
you never want to know me

more and more i find hatred for you
i resent you
yet i can't get rid of you

you are a part of me
and i don't want you anymore
how many times have i tried to tell you

how many times have i been at your door and you never wanted to listen
you hurt me from your resistance
your unwillingness
your hesitation

all my life i've allowed you to push me in your direction
what you think is best for me
what you need me to do for you

when will i have my turn
when will i be able to enjoy myself with you around
i will never be able to be me in front of you

slowly i am realizing we were never friends
how much of a convenience was i too you
how much of me did you ever really want to know

i sit with you and our conversations seem so bland
i don't find enjoyment in your presence
you are condescending

all i've ever said about you are good things
good tidings
yet i seem like the lost little lamb to you
hold my hand in social situations
have your friends befriend me because i will not find my own

i understand now
i don't want to become who you've become
that wasn't and will not be my path

you pull me but in the wrong direction
your not standing in the wind
i just want to run free
i want to feel the cool breeze of change

but you will not allow me to
you will not let me run wild and free
i may not have everything in my life in order
but i know its gonna be ok

i know that life is still moving even if your not
i know that i can stand even when my knees are buckling
i know now you will not understand

it may take a week, a month, and maybe even years
but i want you to finally listen
i want you to finally stop talking and hear

these are my words
not words of wisdom
nor words of knowledge

but my path is far from yours
i don't want you to keep using me as your crutch
i want to break free and live on my own
i want to know that if i fall and there's no one there to pick me up
that you wont be there behind me rubbing the dirt in
i don't want you to come and rescue me
this is my life
this is my world
you are only blessed to have me in it

HAPPY!

I’ve finally come to realization... Who the FUCK cares! I’m sick and tired of having them tell me how and what I’m supposed to be... We humans are not the same... Then why should we all follow the same damn path. I’ve been living in under a roof where every thing I do is scrutinized and judged. I live a life where I know we are different for a reason. We are different so that we can rub each other and refine ourselves to become who we are meant to be. But if you are made of the same material how are we going to be able to help ourselves change and refine ourselves to become more. If we both know the same things we will always be in the same spot going in circles in the same conversation. Let’s got out of your stupid mold and find that thing that will push us to transform. I’m gonna just come out and say it... I don’t want religion anymore... It is still apart of me... It is still ingrained in me... And I will still live somewhat by it... But isn’t me anymore... It isn’t what I want to follow anymore... No I’m not forsaking it... Maybe its forsaken me... I’ve never found love in the church... Always heartache... People not accepting me for me. Just taking me because I’m there. I was never infiltrated in the church the only reason I was there was because of my family. My family who still go and are apart of this. My family who I still have in high regards but don’t care how they think of me anymore. Its taken me all of my life to finally come to this. I will not be ashamed of me, of my memories, of my sorrow! I came in a pre-packaged deal. You can’t have a part of me... My happiness is not what you can only get. You will get all of me if you want it. If you don’t then I will move on. I will not try to work at it to try for you to like me. I’m sick of being safe and pretending to please you. I didn’t even like you to begin with. If I must I will be on my own. I will stand on my own. You do not define me. Not anymore. I am me. I will love myself on my own without my family. I am finally happy.

Life... and its what haves...

i thought i was falling...

you made me believe that everything was going to be okay...

i gave you my all...

you broke through every wall i had ever built!

i gave you my everything...

you didn't give me any...

you only told me what was hitting the surface...

you never went in depth with what you were struggling with

how could i not tell you my heartaches and my misguidances...

i only wanted you to have me...

my inner me...

i loved you...

you loved me...

so i thought...

i went in to see you for the first time...

i showed up 30 mins late...

you never showed...

they never heard of you...

you who i gave my soul to betrayed me...

you told me of stories of this place...

stories of everything...

but didn't want me to know the real you...

i had the real you only in talking...

you never wanted to make me real...

you never wanted to make me concrete...

you could have had me...

i would have been yours...

but if you didn't want it to happen then why did you throw it out there...

why did you want to meet...

i could have been yours only through our late night talks..

i didn't have to make you real...

you placed out there...

but you took it away...

why give me such hope when you didn't want to give me your all...

why place me on a pedestal that was slowly falling down...

why pretend to love me when you never had any intentions of more...

why did i fall for you when you were a mirage

my mirage...

the thing that i wanted to see...

to get me out of my misery...

the thing to push me to be my change...

you were more than beautiful to me...

you shined so bright...

you were the only one to shed light into me...

finally i was finding home...

but when i opened the door it was just a facade...

nothing home...

nothing there...

just echoes of what i wanted to hear...

i wanted to make you real...

i still do...

i miss you...

not because you pushed me...

not because i want you to abuse me...

i want you because you were more real to me than anything i have ever had in my life...

you made me finally believe in myself...

finally step out on my own...

finally trust that if mistakes are made that you can recover from them...

that it doesn't have to take three or four tries for me to finally do what i've always wanted to do...

you made me understand that by jumping off the ledge there's more then just ground...

there's that adrenaline called life!