My New Canvas

A new day
Everyting is lighter
I see everything so new
Life finally has color

You’ve opened me up
And in doing so life is finally in retrospect
I don’t see how I was living
Life was a big blank canvas

You came along and accidentally dropped your mark on it
And it made me focus
Made me look at more than just color
But you wouldn’t allow it to just drip

You made your mistake and added more to it
You dipped your hand in another jar
And threw pigments on my canvas
Not caring of lines

Not caring of design
You painted a new life for me
As you started to really cover the canvas
I joined in

You and me
Creating more
Revealing more
Making me go outside my box to create myself

How blind was I before you
How naive
Blinded by all the black and white
Thinking life was only one dimensional

Thinking color can only be inside walls and parameters
You’ve made me finally wear my colors
I wear them so all can see
I was broken

Broken to the point of no return
Splintered and shattered
Believing that everything was perfect
But aren’t we all

Didn’t we all come with defective parts
We are meant to take these parts
And create something beautiful
Create something new

But we are afraid of our imperfections
We are scared of the implications
We cannot change what we are
We cannot change who we are

What we can change are the circumstances
So please
For yourself
Start painting your canvas without inhibitions

Take me or leave me

I laugh at you
Not because your sad and pitiful
I laugh because life is not perfect
Life is meant for mistakes
Yet you only see the sin
You only see what will make you ok with my wrong doings

My life is changing
My life is growing
Yet you are at your crossroad and you don’t want to take any path
I’ve already chosen
I’ve decide I will be happy

I will choose life
I will be who I need to be
Not who you think I should be
Your words are painful
They cut like glass

Yet wounds are a funny thing
They heal you know
They don’t stay long
I used to live in the fear of your hurt
I used stand and be afraid to get knocked down by you

How do you not see that I don’t care
You keep pushing me down
You keep speaking to me as if I am still a child
I have grown
I have pulled at myself
And you still don’t want to accept me

How long will it take for you to finally understand
To let go
To just be
And let me walk away

You may abandon me
And you may turn your back at me
But I can’t turn my back at love
I will not abandon your trust

As the days go by
My life keeps unraveling
It keeps showing me the beatitudes
Grace still shinning down

The winds of change keep calling my name
Pulling me towards my happiness
I can’t turn my back to it
All I can do is keep create my own footprints

I don’t walk alone
I don’t stand alone
What are you afraid of
My heartaches
My loneliness
My sadness
Of hopelessness

Life is showing me more than these things
You are the one who’s exemplifying these emotions
My heart is broken by your faith
How little you think of me
How small do you see me
I can’t allow myself to wallow in your pain

I’ve dealt with mine
I’ve moved on
I can’t live the life you’ve built up for me
It was never mine to live

Funny how the tables have turned
I used to want what you had
I used to crave it
And now all I do is resent it

How can I live your life
Once my walls fell down
Once I was scattered on the ground
Once I was finally put together again
I understood how nothing truly fit
Finally everything makes sense
Everything is anew

Whether or not you can accept this is up to you
I place this in your hands
But I will not wait long
I will not have you make me stand here for your decision
I’ve made mine
Will you take me or leave me...

LISTEN!

not scared... but completely hurt!

why do i seem so complexed and perplexed?

you see me day in and day
you tell me what to do
you tell me only of your good tidings

you never ask me
you never see the real me
you never want to know me

more and more i find hatred for you
i resent you
yet i can't get rid of you

you are a part of me
and i don't want you anymore
how many times have i tried to tell you

how many times have i been at your door and you never wanted to listen
you hurt me from your resistance
your unwillingness
your hesitation

all my life i've allowed you to push me in your direction
what you think is best for me
what you need me to do for you

when will i have my turn
when will i be able to enjoy myself with you around
i will never be able to be me in front of you

slowly i am realizing we were never friends
how much of a convenience was i too you
how much of me did you ever really want to know

i sit with you and our conversations seem so bland
i don't find enjoyment in your presence
you are condescending

all i've ever said about you are good things
good tidings
yet i seem like the lost little lamb to you
hold my hand in social situations
have your friends befriend me because i will not find my own

i understand now
i don't want to become who you've become
that wasn't and will not be my path

you pull me but in the wrong direction
your not standing in the wind
i just want to run free
i want to feel the cool breeze of change

but you will not allow me to
you will not let me run wild and free
i may not have everything in my life in order
but i know its gonna be ok

i know that life is still moving even if your not
i know that i can stand even when my knees are buckling
i know now you will not understand

it may take a week, a month, and maybe even years
but i want you to finally listen
i want you to finally stop talking and hear

these are my words
not words of wisdom
nor words of knowledge

but my path is far from yours
i don't want you to keep using me as your crutch
i want to break free and live on my own
i want to know that if i fall and there's no one there to pick me up
that you wont be there behind me rubbing the dirt in
i don't want you to come and rescue me
this is my life
this is my world
you are only blessed to have me in it

Your Mold!

Im striping from it... Maybe one day I will return to it... But right now... Its suffocating me...

My Path

Let us jump
Off the world
Let us fly
To a distance
Let us be
To love the same

Finding each other in the wilderness
Creating our own realities
Dissipating the expectations
We will survive
We will overcome

We were made to love
We were made to feel
But we hover over our world as if we are in charge of it
We move as if we can control you and me
We have no control over each others action
All we do have control is the love we share
The love we have for each other

Let us not hide behind doctrines and commands
We were meant to shine for one another
So why are we so afraid to allow ourselves to pour into each other

No not massacre their will with our will
No not pushing our laws on each other
No not judging the loves we have made or want to create

WHO ARE YOU to judge me
WHO ARE YOU to place me in your mold
WHO ARE YOU to tell me my wrong doings
WHO ARE YOU to change me and take on your mindset

Life tells me I can love without you
I can stand and change with out you
I can run in the other directions with out you
I can love, trust, and befriend without you

Let me live my life
Let me fall
Let me wither
Let me stand
Let me scream
Let me follow my own path
I don’t want to follow your footsteps

Let me make my own imprints on this world
Let me create a new path

A path...
Of shattered hopes
Of broken loves
Lined with mistakes
Full of my own happiness

My Desire

My desire
My infatuation
My yearning
You are more to me

Feelings
Emotions
Tears
Laughter

Lose of control
No feeling in my legs
Excitement
Feeling freer by the moment

Your touch
Your caress
Your embrace
Your gaze

Needing you
Wanting you
Begging you
Pleasuring you

Touch me
Please me
Invigorate me
Be my change

Need me
Want me
Love me
Hold me

Feel my love
Feel your warmth
Feel my desire
For it is all yours

The warmth of a new day...

I used to be afraid
I lived in the fear of the unknown
Living safe
Living for them

I lived walking the line of “perfection”
Afraid of the shame outside of this realm
I was worried that my whole world would crumble if I walked away from it
I was afraid to live outside their standards

My conclusion is my life is meant to be lived for myself
My realization is I need to find myself to give myself my all
My understanding is I need to please myself before pleasing them
My knowledge is what I can stand on

I don’t want to stand on your precepts
I don’t want to lay in your lies
I don’t want to wake one morning and hate everything I’ve become
I don’t want to know that I’m stuck at a dead end

Finally I’m living
Finally I’m breathing
Finally I’m standing on my own
Finally I’ve allowed myself to trust someone

So what if my paths going towards mistakes
So what if I may put my trust in others
So what if there’s heartache
So what if my path leads to hell

I can’t survive in this atmosphere anymore

I’ve changed
I’ve transformed
I’ve finally broken through my exterior
I’ve finally looked up towards the sky and can see the sun

The sun seems brighter
The grass is greener
The songs of summer seem louder

As my feet hit the asphalt I know life will never be the same
Let the winds of change blow harder than they have ever blown
I will allow myself to push and pull at myself for growth

All because one person said...

Its okay...
I will listen...
No need to be ashamed anymore...
Thank you for sharing...

HAPPY!

I’ve finally come to realization... Who the FUCK cares! I’m sick and tired of having them tell me how and what I’m supposed to be... We humans are not the same... Then why should we all follow the same damn path. I’ve been living in under a roof where every thing I do is scrutinized and judged. I live a life where I know we are different for a reason. We are different so that we can rub each other and refine ourselves to become who we are meant to be. But if you are made of the same material how are we going to be able to help ourselves change and refine ourselves to become more. If we both know the same things we will always be in the same spot going in circles in the same conversation. Let’s got out of your stupid mold and find that thing that will push us to transform. I’m gonna just come out and say it... I don’t want religion anymore... It is still apart of me... It is still ingrained in me... And I will still live somewhat by it... But isn’t me anymore... It isn’t what I want to follow anymore... No I’m not forsaking it... Maybe its forsaken me... I’ve never found love in the church... Always heartache... People not accepting me for me. Just taking me because I’m there. I was never infiltrated in the church the only reason I was there was because of my family. My family who still go and are apart of this. My family who I still have in high regards but don’t care how they think of me anymore. Its taken me all of my life to finally come to this. I will not be ashamed of me, of my memories, of my sorrow! I came in a pre-packaged deal. You can’t have a part of me... My happiness is not what you can only get. You will get all of me if you want it. If you don’t then I will move on. I will not try to work at it to try for you to like me. I’m sick of being safe and pretending to please you. I didn’t even like you to begin with. If I must I will be on my own. I will stand on my own. You do not define me. Not anymore. I am me. I will love myself on my own without my family. I am finally happy.

Life... and its what haves...

i thought i was falling...

you made me believe that everything was going to be okay...

i gave you my all...

you broke through every wall i had ever built!

i gave you my everything...

you didn't give me any...

you only told me what was hitting the surface...

you never went in depth with what you were struggling with

how could i not tell you my heartaches and my misguidances...

i only wanted you to have me...

my inner me...

i loved you...

you loved me...

so i thought...

i went in to see you for the first time...

i showed up 30 mins late...

you never showed...

they never heard of you...

you who i gave my soul to betrayed me...

you told me of stories of this place...

stories of everything...

but didn't want me to know the real you...

i had the real you only in talking...

you never wanted to make me real...

you never wanted to make me concrete...

you could have had me...

i would have been yours...

but if you didn't want it to happen then why did you throw it out there...

why did you want to meet...

i could have been yours only through our late night talks..

i didn't have to make you real...

you placed out there...

but you took it away...

why give me such hope when you didn't want to give me your all...

why place me on a pedestal that was slowly falling down...

why pretend to love me when you never had any intentions of more...

why did i fall for you when you were a mirage

my mirage...

the thing that i wanted to see...

to get me out of my misery...

the thing to push me to be my change...

you were more than beautiful to me...

you shined so bright...

you were the only one to shed light into me...

finally i was finding home...

but when i opened the door it was just a facade...

nothing home...

nothing there...

just echoes of what i wanted to hear...

i wanted to make you real...

i still do...

i miss you...

not because you pushed me...

not because i want you to abuse me...

i want you because you were more real to me than anything i have ever had in my life...

you made me finally believe in myself...

finally step out on my own...

finally trust that if mistakes are made that you can recover from them...

that it doesn't have to take three or four tries for me to finally do what i've always wanted to do...

you made me understand that by jumping off the ledge there's more then just ground...

there's that adrenaline called life!