Daughter to Father...

I've been doing a lot of crying and lying and fighting and giving up and falling down and stumbling...

Listening to the song Confessions of a Broken Heart sung by Lindsey Lohan, it makes me think of my relationship with God and how my heart has never truly been whole.  Its always been broken!  The reason its never been whole is because I've never allowed my heart to ever heal or to deal with IT!  

But then daughter to father... why did you allow this to happen to me!  did you ever "love me..."  I wait for the postman to bring me a letter!  

Were you there when I was perverted?  Were you there when I was introduced to pornography?  Were you there when I had thoughts of a being a lesbian?  Do I even think I should do what this world expects me to do and marry a man?  The one living being I will never trust or love?  The one living thing that could never be trusted with loving a woman and then loving their daughter as if it was truly precious?  

I'M WAITING FOR AN ANSWER!!!!  WAITING FOR THE POSTMAN THAT WILL NEVER COME!!!  My emotions have been talking LOUD and I can't hide them anymore... and yes maybe I am being lead by other unseen things.  But these unanswered questions I cannot allow to be unanswered anymore!

I lived a life where I never question anything but myself... Not anymore!  I will question the one thing that has always been bunging me... Why and How could you allow this to happen to me and to many of the little girls out there that cry themselves into a sleep hoping its all a dream and that it never happened!

I can't hold this back anymore!  My faith seems to fail me day by day and I allow it to...

..........THESE are my confessions of a broken heart!  Daughter to Father... I don't know you... do I still want to...

Left behind...

thoughts of today...

so this passed weekend was halloween!  Tons of candy tons of dressing up and fun... for all but not me.  I got home at 4pm feel asleep by 5pm and awoke at 9pm from a text from my sister telling me to come over and hang out but i was so tired i just kept sleeping.  Needless to say I was supposed to get a phone call from a "friend/co-worker" to go out on our night off and have a good time.  So when i checked my phone at 9pm there was no text, no missed called, no voicemail... NOTHING... ok... understandable he might of forgotten so I just let it go...

Sunday evening i stroll in to work and he is acting completely nonchalant about it and was weird.  As if he knew he had done something wrong... so I let it go as whatever and tried to let it go but its really been bothering me.  Its as if he teased me and then dropped me.  I know thats probably not what his intentions were but ever since he came back into town... (he left to go to school but decided it wasn't his scene so he came back)  he's been completely avoiding hanging out and just out with everyone else in town.  I believe the only reason we hung out was because he had no one else to hang out with so there...

He's apparently coming over for our "grown up" thanksgiving and I'm not really happy about it... so yea thats all...  I worried other people might show up too that we don't want at our thanksgiving...

on a side note... sorry this is all negative... outside this blogger site... I am very positive i carry a smile and no one sees my worries or frustrations or even see my sadness so i listen to indie and folk and sad depressing music while no one listens and find myself feeling.  Just feeling...  When everyone else sees me as a happy person i'm not always feeling... i'm not always the way i look... because i don't allow them to see what's behind my looking glass...  whether or not this is read i enjoy leaving my scattered thoughts all over this page... 

oh other side note... my car is a piece of SH*T! its not working... AGAIN!  i hate it but whatever... hope its just the battery and nothing else wrong with it... ok thats all...