How have these four walls become so small? It used to fit me, you and everything in between. Bursting with life and all the goodness that light brings. And now it is empty and so snug. The window has become a clouded mess. I seem to clean up and I turn around and its dirty again. What’s the point of cleaning something that keeps getting dirty? Why keep trying. Its so dark and now the walls have started to cave in. I can barely move inside these walls. I can’t seem to find the door to get out. I’m clawing and pushing and nothing seems to move. I don’t know how much air supply I have left. The air has become so thick nothing alleviates the heaviness. How much longer until it starts to crush me, until I become apart of the walls? How do I break free from this imprisonment? Can no one hear me? Are my cries not loud enough? This solitude is deafening. The only noise heard is the sound of my heart beating, like seconds on a clock counting down till the end.
Wednesday, September 29, 2010
Tuesday, September 21, 2010
Untitled Love 4
Nights like these brought Layla new days. It allowed her to release her worries on the dance floor. The restaurant life lead to stressful days. The normal working hours at a restaurant is between 60 to 80 hours a week, so it was always nice to dance and drink the night away.
After a two hours Layla was getting to the point of no return. It was time for her to go home but both she and Danny were to drunk to drive. Taxi was their best bet.
“Baby please call. I don’t think I can even see the numbers on my phone right…”
“I’ll try” says Danny.
Kimmy noticed that both Layla and Danny were having too much fun to slow down so she decided to keep an eye out for them. “II’ll drive you two, if that’s ok. I haven’t had much to drink tonight. I was making sure everyone else was!”
“That would be amazing Kim. Seriously! Did you want to drive my car or did you want to take yours? It’s a big hummer so you’ll have fun driving it!”
“The manly man driving a manly car. Of course on a night we get drunk that’s the one you bring along” says Layla.
“Babykins I don’t go anywhere without it. It gets the job done.”
“Right… So Kim which car?”
“Well I have a two seater so its gonna have to be your car Danny.”
“Hey I drove here with Larry, why don’t I drive your car while Larry follows me to your house Dan and Kimmy you can take Layla to her house. That way no one’s car stays here at the club” asks Mark.
“Yea that sounds good!” says Kimmy.
“I don’t care as long as I get in my warm bed..” says Layla.
Danny hands over his keys as Mark helped him out to the car. While Layla, holding on to one of Kimmy’s arms and Larry’s arm around her waist, walked out to the parking lot.
“Wait can I kiss my hunny bun goodnight?” asks Danny.
As Danny sat in his car they brought Layla over. Clumsily Layla grabbed the car door window leaned in and kissed Danny. Danny grabbed her face “I love you so much. It might be all the alcohol but you are so beautiful to me! No its not the alcohol you simply are the loveliest creature on the face of this planet! I love you babykins.”
All Layla could muster to say was “Ditto!” She kissed Danny one more time and started to walk over to Kimmy’s car to go home.
“Ok well see you guys! Be safe!” says Kimmy to her work buddies as they got into her car. “Ok now where do you live?”
~~~
The next morning Layla woke up with a massive headache and her stomach was just churning. She made herself get out of bed to get the dogs out. When she got to the glass doors to let them out she realized she wasn’t alone. She turned and walked to the couch and saw Kimmy on the couch. She then walked to the kitchen to start the coffee maker and tried to remember what happened the night before. But for her life, she couldn’t remember how she got home let alone how she got into her bed. As the coffee machine was gurgling its last few drops into the pot she decided that she should wake Kimmy to give her a cup too but decided not to. Walking across the living room to get to her office she bumped into her coffee table and stepped onto a squeaky toy and woke Kimmy up.
“Morning…” says Layla, although it was nearly eleven am.
“Morning. What time is it?”
“Almost eleven. I didn’t want to wake you since you helped me home… I think.”
With a smirk, “yea help is not the right word. More like you owe me.”
“That bad? Ugh.” Layla sat down on the love seat next to the couch and looked down into her coffee. “I am so sorry. I can’t remember much from last night. Just that we got to The Cathedral and then after a few more drinks, nothing.”
“Yea well I got you home and it was a battle to get you into the house.”
“A BATTLE?! What do you mean a battle?”
Laughing, “You wanted to go back and party but when I finally got you out of the car you ran to the nearest bush and well… let’s just say whatever you drank last night is in your front bushes.”
“Oh.”
“Yes. Then I brought you in and tried to rehydrate you but it wouldn’t stay down.”
“Yikes. Yea more like owe is right. Truly so sorry! I normally can hold my alcohol but I don’t know what was with me last night that I couldn’t stop hitting the alcohol.”
“Yea well don’t worry about it. I’m just glad you look better today then last night.”
“I feel like crap to be honest with you. But thank you for staying to make sure I was better.”
“Yea well Danny would have been mad if I left you alone! Plus I bet he would have done the same for me. He seems like that kinda guy.”
“He is. That’s one of the qualities I truly enjoy about him. He’s a well rounded kinda guy!”
“Well you’ve found a keeper! Best not let that guy outta your grasp!”
“Yea.”
“What is it? I hear a little sadness in your words.”
“I love him. He is the perfect man for me in every way.”
“But…”
“However,” laughing, “I don’t feel the passion. It feels like ‘its supposed to be this way’ and I wish it was more ‘we are soul mates’ kinda thing.”
“Oh. Well maybe your reading into the whole relationship thing too much. Life is supposed to be a ride. It seems to me you decided to take the easy way out. Not saying that its a bad thing but it sounds safe to me.”
“Safe. That seems to be the right word. But I’m almost thirty, shouldn’t I be married already. That’s what the world is telling me.”
“Look I’m thirty two, and I don’t care to see marriage in my near future nor in my longer future. Just take life by the reigns and live it up. That’s what I do. Just enjoy it while you can. I’m not saying break up with the guy. I have no clue as to what your relationship is like. But you seem like you need more. Maybe you need to push him a little to get that kinda satisfaction out of life.”
“Yea maybe that’s it. I need more passion out of him and out of me. I barely know you and you seem to be the only person to understand what I’m feeling. Sorry for pouring this all on you.”
“No, no its totally ok. Seriously no worries. Anything said today is between you, me, and the fence post. But on talk to him. I bet he would be willing to do almost, no anything for you. Well as long as he was able to get it you would have it! You are a lucky girl.”
“Thanks, I just wish I felt it more.”
Wednesday, September 15, 2010
The Way We Were...
While ago I met a person. Someone that I only knew for a short period of time. I only saw him at my job. We worked side by side. And I fell for him.
It was a small crush. He was funny, strong, smart, independent, and lived life. At the time he was questioning many things in life. Where he was going to go, what he was going to do, things of that nature.
At our age who doesn’t.
I purposely made sure I looked perfect when I went to work. Made sure to talk to him when he was there. He and I, it was fun. But I could never cross my boundaries with him. He had a girlfriend. He was in love. But she was far away. Another country.
She decided they needed a break. I couldn’t interfere with his broken heart. I wasn’t going to be the girl that came along and tried to sweep him off his feet when he was still in pain.
I moved away. I had forgotten about him. I had forgotten about his smile, laughter, and personality.
I found him again.
For some reason those emotions seem stronger. We haven’t spoken since. But I added him as a friend on the internet site I found him. I know this may seem like a lot to say for a person that I have no clue as to if he felt anything for me.
We were just friends. Thats all! Nothing more. But if he would have said something I probably would have stayed. Just for him. But things change.
I found he had a website. And I checked it out. I had forgotten what an awesome guy he is! Even better than before!
He’s dating her again. I see how well matched he and her are. I could never come between them two. He seems so happy. I’m happy for him.
I just wish I didn’t feel this way for him. But my faith is not where his faith is. His faith has gotten so strong in the the last nine months. While mine has slowly been getting weaker.
I can’t be the woman he would want me to be. So I’m writing because I wanted to write.
I miss him. But he’s better off.
It was a small crush. He was funny, strong, smart, independent, and lived life. At the time he was questioning many things in life. Where he was going to go, what he was going to do, things of that nature.
At our age who doesn’t.
I purposely made sure I looked perfect when I went to work. Made sure to talk to him when he was there. He and I, it was fun. But I could never cross my boundaries with him. He had a girlfriend. He was in love. But she was far away. Another country.
She decided they needed a break. I couldn’t interfere with his broken heart. I wasn’t going to be the girl that came along and tried to sweep him off his feet when he was still in pain.
I moved away. I had forgotten about him. I had forgotten about his smile, laughter, and personality.
I found him again.
For some reason those emotions seem stronger. We haven’t spoken since. But I added him as a friend on the internet site I found him. I know this may seem like a lot to say for a person that I have no clue as to if he felt anything for me.
We were just friends. Thats all! Nothing more. But if he would have said something I probably would have stayed. Just for him. But things change.
I found he had a website. And I checked it out. I had forgotten what an awesome guy he is! Even better than before!
He’s dating her again. I see how well matched he and her are. I could never come between them two. He seems so happy. I’m happy for him.
I just wish I didn’t feel this way for him. But my faith is not where his faith is. His faith has gotten so strong in the the last nine months. While mine has slowly been getting weaker.
I can’t be the woman he would want me to be. So I’m writing because I wanted to write.
I miss him. But he’s better off.
Monday, September 13, 2010
Sharing the love...
Ok I just got a tiny bit mad. Reading some articles online. People slandering other people because of faith and then no faith. Telling one another that sin is sin and that people need to repent. Saying that sinners need to realize this and put things aside.
But what sinner wants to hear that they are wrong? What sinner wants to listen to someone else who does not see their flaws? That this sinners sin is constitutionally stronger and worse then the saint? No one!
I think the church needs to re-evaluate how to approach this.
People already know what “the church” deems to be wrong and right. I’m not saying if they are wrong or if they are right. But redemption should not be used as something to enlighten the “saint”.
Yes I understand rejoice in knowing that people see the wrong doings and turn away from these wrong doings. But what do you call a sin? Where do you draw lines as to whose sin is greater? Or lesser?
I understand that there are many passionate people that will quote scripture on who is right and who is wrong. They will keep shooting them at me until I fall down and surrender to what they believe.
But I am me.
I have the right to my opinions and I don’t think that people should only see people as sinner or saint.
We are all people taking each day by day. Taking decision by decision. Why we choose certain paths is our own choice. Judgement is not ours to take in our own hands. It is meant for one ultimate being. He is the only one that can forgive and allow us to be resolved in the choice.
What I’m trying to say is that no one man is without sin. Why look down upon others believing that there is no fault in yourself? Why pretend that your life is holier than the person next to you?
We are all imperfect beings. We make mistakes everyday. Whether its the way we look at people, the way we talk to people, or the way we ignore people. Simple things like that may seem insignificant but they are sins alike.
Judgement should not be in any ones hand.
And if you must come down on someone because of their sin, come to them with concern. If your need is to truly help a “sinner” it should not be to scold them of the gruesomeness that you see in them. Ask yourself would they be willing to come to you if you slapped them on the wrist when you don’t even know the person? Or would they understand you more if you come at them with compassion and love and understanding?
Please do not get me wrong and say that you understand them and should want to see their sin as something acceptable. To be honest I have no clue which sin in your mind is stronger or severe than the others. By understanding I say come with an open heart to listen. To hear them out and find out why they are where they are. What has brought them to the point of sinning. Why they feel the need to be in the “sin”.
Why am I writing this?
I have many friends that have gone through a lot in their short lived lives. Some have gone through these things because of need, because its what they know, and because they can’t fight anymore.
As a christian many thank me for not judging them. For not passing my prejudice upon them. Yet how am I to say what they have done is wrong. I have no say in whether their heart did it because of malice. There is only one person who knows. All we can do is listen, to try and be there for them in whatever it is that they need.
Do you remember where you where when you felt your lowest? Try to see others in that light. You didn’t want to be told how wrong you were. All you wanted was someone to be there and to listen. We are all connected. In one way or another. Why should we reprimand our brothers and sisters when they already know in some way or another that what they have done is wrong.
I get it. Unconditionally love is hard to show. But if we show some kindness and a bit of love we can change the strongest of hearts. All we can do is wait it out and give some encouragement. Let them evaluate the severity of the sin and when they are ready we can help them out.
Love does not equal scolding. Love is love. Share some more.
But what sinner wants to hear that they are wrong? What sinner wants to listen to someone else who does not see their flaws? That this sinners sin is constitutionally stronger and worse then the saint? No one!
I think the church needs to re-evaluate how to approach this.
People already know what “the church” deems to be wrong and right. I’m not saying if they are wrong or if they are right. But redemption should not be used as something to enlighten the “saint”.
Yes I understand rejoice in knowing that people see the wrong doings and turn away from these wrong doings. But what do you call a sin? Where do you draw lines as to whose sin is greater? Or lesser?
I understand that there are many passionate people that will quote scripture on who is right and who is wrong. They will keep shooting them at me until I fall down and surrender to what they believe.
But I am me.
I have the right to my opinions and I don’t think that people should only see people as sinner or saint.
We are all people taking each day by day. Taking decision by decision. Why we choose certain paths is our own choice. Judgement is not ours to take in our own hands. It is meant for one ultimate being. He is the only one that can forgive and allow us to be resolved in the choice.
What I’m trying to say is that no one man is without sin. Why look down upon others believing that there is no fault in yourself? Why pretend that your life is holier than the person next to you?
We are all imperfect beings. We make mistakes everyday. Whether its the way we look at people, the way we talk to people, or the way we ignore people. Simple things like that may seem insignificant but they are sins alike.
Judgement should not be in any ones hand.
And if you must come down on someone because of their sin, come to them with concern. If your need is to truly help a “sinner” it should not be to scold them of the gruesomeness that you see in them. Ask yourself would they be willing to come to you if you slapped them on the wrist when you don’t even know the person? Or would they understand you more if you come at them with compassion and love and understanding?
Please do not get me wrong and say that you understand them and should want to see their sin as something acceptable. To be honest I have no clue which sin in your mind is stronger or severe than the others. By understanding I say come with an open heart to listen. To hear them out and find out why they are where they are. What has brought them to the point of sinning. Why they feel the need to be in the “sin”.
Why am I writing this?
I have many friends that have gone through a lot in their short lived lives. Some have gone through these things because of need, because its what they know, and because they can’t fight anymore.
As a christian many thank me for not judging them. For not passing my prejudice upon them. Yet how am I to say what they have done is wrong. I have no say in whether their heart did it because of malice. There is only one person who knows. All we can do is listen, to try and be there for them in whatever it is that they need.
Do you remember where you where when you felt your lowest? Try to see others in that light. You didn’t want to be told how wrong you were. All you wanted was someone to be there and to listen. We are all connected. In one way or another. Why should we reprimand our brothers and sisters when they already know in some way or another that what they have done is wrong.
I get it. Unconditionally love is hard to show. But if we show some kindness and a bit of love we can change the strongest of hearts. All we can do is wait it out and give some encouragement. Let them evaluate the severity of the sin and when they are ready we can help them out.
Love does not equal scolding. Love is love. Share some more.
Sunday, September 12, 2010
Home
They say that an ocean and sand can wear down the best of shorelines. The water can come in and sand down the most roughest edges. That’s exactly what the beach has done to me and my sister.
A couple of nights ago, on a beautiful clear sky night, we decided to go in our pajamas, to the beach. We didn’t go with any expectations. Just us, the beach and the moon. We stayed on the beach for approximately two and a half hours. The most powerful two and a half hours of my life.
Its easy for me to hide everything from the world. I do not know who I can trust with the most intimate parts of my soul. How people will take me, if crazy or sane. So I don’t divulge my inner worries or inner thoughts but on paper. Its easy for me to be a surface person with everyone. Not allowing anything more than a simple where I want my life to go or where it should go.
So this past Friday, early in the morning, we purged everything we had inside us. We trusted each other to not judge one another and gave ourselves to each other. I don’t think we’ve cried so much together. Some secrets that seem simple to others that are tightly hidden in the crevasses of our heart, some secrets that are so large that have us hidden under them, some secrets that make us feel nothing and everything. That’s what we decided to let go.
We released them to the wind and to ourselves. Her concerns, my concerns, her pain, my pain… Our pain and love of understanding. It hurt me that she didn’t trust me with her inner most worries. It hurt me that we couldn’t be like that with each other. Why should sisters not be able to be close and best friends.
It should be a mutual love between sisters. NO MATTER WHAT IT IS! Our secrets made our relationship so tender, so delicate, and so strong. I have never felt this freeing... to say what it is that holds me back from life. Its so freeing knowing everything that held her back from me. At first I had no understanding of how I should feel.
Should I feel scared that she will betray me? Should I be terrified of the secret she divulged to me? Should I feel nothing and not show my emotions on the questions that are bubbling inside me to ask her? Or should I break down and cry and keep crying to release all this worry?
At this moment I want to cry of sheer joy! Of sheer happiness! And the sorrow that we didn’t allow ourselves to trust each other with things!
I love her! I love my sister whole heartedly! She is my twin! She is my dearest and most darling of all my sisters! She released something within me that I didn’t know was possible. True happiness. Of allowing to trust someone else to carry a burden with them. To share the fears and worries that we are both feeling on the inside.
You never know what any one person is truly feeling. What they are hiding in the twinkle of their eye. But people are a funny thing. They can surprise you.
Because she and I decided to not judge each other there was no fear of what was said. Also who are we to judge. Your sin or fear or scares could be theirs. And maybe whatever it is that your hiding may be nothing compared to what the other person is hiding.
Its taken me two days to process all this. To find the real emotion that I was feeling. Its a process with me. I am not one to just give you an answer right away. But after the storm clouds have cleared and the dust has finally settled there’s clarity in life. It feels right. Thats all I can give you.
It feels like home. Something that I have never known. And now I can find some kind of peace, in myself, in my sister, in my home, and in my life.
Its funny. I thought freedom was found on your knees at the altar surrendering to God. Yet I finally feel free in myself. I’m not sure if its a false sense of freeing but it sure feels good...
A couple of nights ago, on a beautiful clear sky night, we decided to go in our pajamas, to the beach. We didn’t go with any expectations. Just us, the beach and the moon. We stayed on the beach for approximately two and a half hours. The most powerful two and a half hours of my life.
Its easy for me to hide everything from the world. I do not know who I can trust with the most intimate parts of my soul. How people will take me, if crazy or sane. So I don’t divulge my inner worries or inner thoughts but on paper. Its easy for me to be a surface person with everyone. Not allowing anything more than a simple where I want my life to go or where it should go.
So this past Friday, early in the morning, we purged everything we had inside us. We trusted each other to not judge one another and gave ourselves to each other. I don’t think we’ve cried so much together. Some secrets that seem simple to others that are tightly hidden in the crevasses of our heart, some secrets that are so large that have us hidden under them, some secrets that make us feel nothing and everything. That’s what we decided to let go.
We released them to the wind and to ourselves. Her concerns, my concerns, her pain, my pain… Our pain and love of understanding. It hurt me that she didn’t trust me with her inner most worries. It hurt me that we couldn’t be like that with each other. Why should sisters not be able to be close and best friends.
It should be a mutual love between sisters. NO MATTER WHAT IT IS! Our secrets made our relationship so tender, so delicate, and so strong. I have never felt this freeing... to say what it is that holds me back from life. Its so freeing knowing everything that held her back from me. At first I had no understanding of how I should feel.
Should I feel scared that she will betray me? Should I be terrified of the secret she divulged to me? Should I feel nothing and not show my emotions on the questions that are bubbling inside me to ask her? Or should I break down and cry and keep crying to release all this worry?
At this moment I want to cry of sheer joy! Of sheer happiness! And the sorrow that we didn’t allow ourselves to trust each other with things!
I love her! I love my sister whole heartedly! She is my twin! She is my dearest and most darling of all my sisters! She released something within me that I didn’t know was possible. True happiness. Of allowing to trust someone else to carry a burden with them. To share the fears and worries that we are both feeling on the inside.
You never know what any one person is truly feeling. What they are hiding in the twinkle of their eye. But people are a funny thing. They can surprise you.
Because she and I decided to not judge each other there was no fear of what was said. Also who are we to judge. Your sin or fear or scares could be theirs. And maybe whatever it is that your hiding may be nothing compared to what the other person is hiding.
Its taken me two days to process all this. To find the real emotion that I was feeling. Its a process with me. I am not one to just give you an answer right away. But after the storm clouds have cleared and the dust has finally settled there’s clarity in life. It feels right. Thats all I can give you.
It feels like home. Something that I have never known. And now I can find some kind of peace, in myself, in my sister, in my home, and in my life.
Its funny. I thought freedom was found on your knees at the altar surrendering to God. Yet I finally feel free in myself. I’m not sure if its a false sense of freeing but it sure feels good...
Friday, September 10, 2010
The Tracks
I walked with the weight of the world on my shoulders
My tracks deeper then the deepest ocean
Carrying your problems
My problems
And what everyone else was holding back
As I kept walking my tracks weren’t as deep
But I didn’t notice
I kept walking
Until I found the surface
I wasn’t drowning anymore
Then nothing held me down
I realized the heavy load made me strong
Allowed to push my way up
With all my strength I released it all
Rolling down to the beach shore
Allowing the water to take it all with it
To disperse my pain and yours away
Nothing’s left
Just my tracks
Just where I used to walk
My tracks deeper then the deepest ocean
Carrying your problems
My problems
And what everyone else was holding back
As I kept walking my tracks weren’t as deep
But I didn’t notice
I kept walking
Until I found the surface
I wasn’t drowning anymore
Then nothing held me down
I realized the heavy load made me strong
Allowed to push my way up
With all my strength I released it all
Rolling down to the beach shore
Allowing the water to take it all with it
To disperse my pain and yours away
Nothing’s left
Just my tracks
Just where I used to walk
Wednesday, September 8, 2010
My Winter and Spring
How do I quiet the wounds
How do I remove the feelings that tremble at the mere thought of you
Its like the changing of seasons
One missing another running to have a glimpse of each other
Running into each others weather
Holding on just a little longer
To just to see its following season
My heart still waits for you
Waiting for the day your season runs into mine once again
Yet the seasons keep changing and there’s no you in sight
So I keep turning the pages in my book
Keep looking for you in my days
I see where you were on my tapestry
But I can’t seem to find you returning to me
I want to burn a hole where you used to be so that I could forget you
Or unravel it and add your part in later
I keep going
My hair keeps growing
And your not here to run your fingers through the new length
Am I even getting closer to you?
Am I even finding you in all this mess?
Am I already doom to relive the insignificant moments that you were in
To relive the pain of you disappearing on me
I crave for the time when I made you laugh
And when you burned into my eyes
But like the sun and the moon to meet once in years
Maybe thats how our love was supposed to be
To be and then to never be
I am your summer and fall
Will you ever be my winter and spring...
How do I remove the feelings that tremble at the mere thought of you
Its like the changing of seasons
One missing another running to have a glimpse of each other
Running into each others weather
Holding on just a little longer
To just to see its following season
My heart still waits for you
Waiting for the day your season runs into mine once again
Yet the seasons keep changing and there’s no you in sight
So I keep turning the pages in my book
Keep looking for you in my days
I see where you were on my tapestry
But I can’t seem to find you returning to me
I want to burn a hole where you used to be so that I could forget you
Or unravel it and add your part in later
I keep going
My hair keeps growing
And your not here to run your fingers through the new length
Am I even getting closer to you?
Am I even finding you in all this mess?
Am I already doom to relive the insignificant moments that you were in
To relive the pain of you disappearing on me
I crave for the time when I made you laugh
And when you burned into my eyes
But like the sun and the moon to meet once in years
Maybe thats how our love was supposed to be
To be and then to never be
I am your summer and fall
Will you ever be my winter and spring...
Empty Words (song)
I loved every moment
And so tender they were
Every memory so fragile
While you kissed me gingerly
I handed it in your hands
Fluttering softly, full of life
You took it and used it up
Now its lost and broken
And then they were just…
Empty words
No more will I live on empty words
No more will I need to believe that there’s
Only life in your arms
I will not follow you
Nor be apart of you
Because now these are my words
Full of life
Deep of emotion not like yours
Forgetting would be to easy
It is what I desired
But the pain and agony
What would I be if I didn’t feel
Your light was everything to me
It was my path
But I kept getting lost
You kept hiding it from me
I was lost and broken
And then they were just…
Empty words
No more will I live on empty words
No more will I need to believe that there’s
Only life in your arms
I will not follow you
Nor be apart of you
Because now these are my words
Full of life
Deep of emotion not like yours...
And why would you take it if you knew that it was all false and abuse
Finally I can move on although I have become undone
I don’t want to keep reliving these false hopes
So I will release you from your empty ropes
No more will I live on empty words
No more will I need to believe that there’s
only life in your arms
I will not follow you
Nor be apart of you
Because now these are my words
Full of life
Deep of emotion not like yours
Because your words are full of empty words
Every memory so fragile
While you kissed me gingerly
I handed it in your hands
Fluttering softly, full of life
You took it and used it up
Now its lost and broken
And then they were just…
Empty words
No more will I live on empty words
No more will I need to believe that there’s
Only life in your arms
I will not follow you
Nor be apart of you
Because now these are my words
Full of life
Deep of emotion not like yours
Forgetting would be to easy
It is what I desired
But the pain and agony
What would I be if I didn’t feel
Your light was everything to me
It was my path
But I kept getting lost
You kept hiding it from me
I was lost and broken
And then they were just…
Empty words
No more will I live on empty words
No more will I need to believe that there’s
Only life in your arms
I will not follow you
Nor be apart of you
Because now these are my words
Full of life
Deep of emotion not like yours...
And why would you take it if you knew that it was all false and abuse
Finally I can move on although I have become undone
I don’t want to keep reliving these false hopes
So I will release you from your empty ropes
No more will I live on empty words
No more will I need to believe that there’s
only life in your arms
I will not follow you
Nor be apart of you
Because now these are my words
Full of life
Deep of emotion not like yours
Because your words are full of empty words
Monday, September 6, 2010
There's no place like home...
Traveling seems to cleanse the spirit. It so many ways. I recently traveled to NY. My home land, my home, my true love. How I’ve missed it! It called me loud. I responded just as loud. I was able to reconnect with family that I haven’t seen in years and it felt so good. My soul was literally restored in some aspect.
My family is so close and all this time and separation has really made a gap with my external and internal family. My mother, the decision maker, has been absent for the last five or six years and no one has decided to take over that position and be the main decision maker. So now the brothers and sisters (a.k.a. my aunts and uncles) have had a hard time trying to decide what to do with my grandparents.
Here’s the story. My grandmother approximately a month ago while shopping fell on the concrete and injured her knee badly. So badly that she was taken to the hospital to have immediate knee surgery to fix the accident. Because of this she had to stay in a nursing home until she was allowed to leave. Once she was able to leave my aunts and uncles needed to take time out of their schedule to take care of my grandmother. Each taking a week off to fully take good care of her. Yet my mother lives 12 hours away, not being able to take a week off from her time her to do so.
It so happens that a wedding my family had refused to go to because of limit seating made space for us so that we could all go to the wedding. So we were able to go to NY for the weekend. So my mother took the opportunity to kill two birds with one stone. Also, mind you I wanted to go but was nervous to go. I hadn’t been to NY in three years. I had changed and so had it.
My apprehension was rooted in the fact that my family was going to ask probing questions about my unfulfilled life. Am I dating anyone? Where am I working? What will I do with my life? Did I graduate from college? Questions I did not want to answer because I didn’t have an answer to. So I was fearful to visit. But it was so refreshing.
Not many people asked me those questions and if they did it didn't seem like the were being intrusive. First I hung out with the bride to be and her sister. It was lovely to just be cousins. I don’t get to be that role too much anymore. Just to laugh reminisce and be family. The next day another cousin picked me up and we did the same. Just be family. Laugh, live, shop, and find happiness in the easy musings of life. We didn’t need much more than that! Later that night I was able to hang out with more cousins. It just felt so right. If felt like home. My heart couldn’t bear all the happiness. Then the next day I was able to go to my home church visit and go to the wedding we were had to go to.
It was amazing to be around family. To be around my cousins, aunts, uncles, second cousins (which hispanic families 2nd cousins always refer the older generation as aunts and uncles) and grandparents. I was in heaven. I didn’t notice how much I missed that island! I missed its changing weather, I missed its beautiful noises, smells, and streets. I missed it all!
I want to move back. Someday soon.
But back to my mother… in the end the family decided to allow her to go back home and they were going to take care of my grandmother themselves. We couldn’t afford to allow my mother to stay a week in NY and travel back on her own.
But yes I miss my home. There’s no other place like it!
My family is so close and all this time and separation has really made a gap with my external and internal family. My mother, the decision maker, has been absent for the last five or six years and no one has decided to take over that position and be the main decision maker. So now the brothers and sisters (a.k.a. my aunts and uncles) have had a hard time trying to decide what to do with my grandparents.
Here’s the story. My grandmother approximately a month ago while shopping fell on the concrete and injured her knee badly. So badly that she was taken to the hospital to have immediate knee surgery to fix the accident. Because of this she had to stay in a nursing home until she was allowed to leave. Once she was able to leave my aunts and uncles needed to take time out of their schedule to take care of my grandmother. Each taking a week off to fully take good care of her. Yet my mother lives 12 hours away, not being able to take a week off from her time her to do so.
It so happens that a wedding my family had refused to go to because of limit seating made space for us so that we could all go to the wedding. So we were able to go to NY for the weekend. So my mother took the opportunity to kill two birds with one stone. Also, mind you I wanted to go but was nervous to go. I hadn’t been to NY in three years. I had changed and so had it.
My apprehension was rooted in the fact that my family was going to ask probing questions about my unfulfilled life. Am I dating anyone? Where am I working? What will I do with my life? Did I graduate from college? Questions I did not want to answer because I didn’t have an answer to. So I was fearful to visit. But it was so refreshing.
Not many people asked me those questions and if they did it didn't seem like the were being intrusive. First I hung out with the bride to be and her sister. It was lovely to just be cousins. I don’t get to be that role too much anymore. Just to laugh reminisce and be family. The next day another cousin picked me up and we did the same. Just be family. Laugh, live, shop, and find happiness in the easy musings of life. We didn’t need much more than that! Later that night I was able to hang out with more cousins. It just felt so right. If felt like home. My heart couldn’t bear all the happiness. Then the next day I was able to go to my home church visit and go to the wedding we were had to go to.
It was amazing to be around family. To be around my cousins, aunts, uncles, second cousins (which hispanic families 2nd cousins always refer the older generation as aunts and uncles) and grandparents. I was in heaven. I didn’t notice how much I missed that island! I missed its changing weather, I missed its beautiful noises, smells, and streets. I missed it all!
I want to move back. Someday soon.
But back to my mother… in the end the family decided to allow her to go back home and they were going to take care of my grandmother themselves. We couldn’t afford to allow my mother to stay a week in NY and travel back on her own.
But yes I miss my home. There’s no other place like it!
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