Not Just a Fling

Just a nothing fling

That is what you think I’ll bring

Just a passing boat in an endless ocean

Yet I have more than these emotions

I have more than these feelings

Yet I lay here trying to pass through these ceilings

Its as if you want to put a cap on this

But there will be something that’s amiss

My heart that is yearning for more

Instead of finding the floor

If only there was some kind of contract

Instead of trying to find your love in the abstract

Everything is so loud

Am I even allowed

To tell you more

I can’t seem to ignore

This noise thats coming to a crescendo

But there was no innuendo

As to if I was more

Or if you saw me as a bore

And now I am hoping and wishing

That you weren’t just fishing

Yet I see now through my tears

That you will never find anything like this through your years

I was never meant for a fleeting love

So here I am making you free of

Of the bond that was created

For it was never awaited

Instead it was a love that was despised

Yet this love will never be chastised
It will be free of the undetectable
And be kept respectable
Finding another heart
That will not want to depart
And feel no doubt
About the one thing they could not be without

The Pieces Don't Fit Anymore by James Morrison

I've been twisting and turning in a space that's too small
I've been drawing the line and watching it fall
You've been closing me in , closing the space in my heart
Watching us fading and watching it all fall apart

Well I can't explain why it's not enough
Cause I gave it all to you
And if you leave me now
Oh just leave me now
It's the better thing to do
It's time to surrender
It's been too long pretending
There's no use in trying
When the pieces don't fit anymore

The pieces don't fit here anymore

You pulled me under so I had to give in
Such a beautiful mess that's breaking my skin
Well I'll hide all the bruises; I'll hide all the damage that's done
But I show how I'm feeling until all the feeling has gone

Why I can't explain why it's not enough
Cause I gave it all to you
And if you leave me now
Oh just leave me now
It's the better thing to do
It's time to surrender
It's been too long pretending
There's no use in trying
When the pieces don't fit anymore
The pieces don't fit anymore


Oh, don't misunderstand how I feel
Cause I've tried, yes I've tried
Still I don't know why
No I don't know why
I don't know why

Why I can't explain why it's not enough
Cause I gave it all to you
And if you leave me now
Oh just leave me now
Well it's the better thing to do
It's time to surrender
It's been too long pretending
There's no use in trying
When the pieces don't fit anymore
The pieces don't fit anymore

The pieces don't fit anymore

Smile by Nat King Cole

Smile though your heart is aching 
Smile even though it's breaking 
When there are clouds in the sky, you'll get by 
If you smile through your fear and sorrow 
Smile and maybe tomorrow 
You'll see the sun come shining through for you 

Light up your face with gladness 
Hide every trace of sadness 
Although a tear may be ever so near 
That's the time you must keep on trying 
Smile, what's the use of crying? 
You'll find that life is still worthwhile 
If you just smile 

That's the time you must keep on trying 
Smile, what's the use of crying? 
You'll find that life is still worthwhile 
If you just smile

I left my heart on the Rocky Tops...

There are things that you don't want to face.  Things that can stop you in your tracks.  Stop you in mid thought.  I understand that these things are so frightening that they can cripple a person to not move forward.  I feel like I've hit something like that.  Like I don't want to move forward.

It's not graduating, its not paying bills, nor is it facing the one person that broke your heart oh so many years ago.  Its facing responsibility.  Friends I've decided school is gonna have to go on a very long hiatus. I am moving to South Carolina and things slowly are becoming so real and I'm scared of what it means now that I'm not returning for a long while.  I'm moving back to help I guess.

The family needs help and I'm not doing anything to help it out.  But that's not the real reason I'm going back.  I know that once I get t here that's what's going to happen.  I will get stuck and sucked in.

Another part of me is so excited for this new chapter.  I'm going to find new friends and new jobs.  It's gonna be one big party.  But I'm wondering if all this new-ness is going to have me retract instead of moving forward.  I have attendency to become introverted in new situations.  All this is new to me.

What I'm also saddened about is leaving Tennessee behind.  Leaving all the happiness that this small state has given me.  From memories of having the biggest fight with my sisters, finding my best friends for all my life, to finding myself.  I have finally made true friends and now I'm leaving them.  Leaving for good.

I don't want to leave but I can't seem to get things together right now.  I have to go back to my foundations to start up again.  That means going home.  Finding my home.  Finding my place and moving from there.

So much growing up to do.  I have to become an adult and mold to what they want me to be.  But its not me.  It's not where I want to be.  Yet its where I have to be.  It wont be long until I finally leave but its gonna hurt the most.

You are right 2010 here I come...

~Rosa

I'll Remember You by Darren Lawson

V1
tell me where did you go
cant see through all this snow
and all of the weather
that we've overcome
and this thing called life
that didn't treat you right
like a fairytale fantasy
that ended on a stormy night
V2
and we met up on the internet
and i know that you were feeling it
you said you name was mindi-lou
i said hi i'm singforyou
and now lookin in your blue eyes
while we listen to fireflys
on the phone till we fall asleep
memories of you i'll always keep
v3
oh what a gorgeous face
now you livin in a better place
somewhere far way up high
somewhere above the clouded sky
i know your smiling down on me
as i dedicate this song to you
thinking how it could have been
if it had been just me and you
Chorus
and now that your gone
i'm a better man than i was yesterday
its only right for me
to still love you everyday
now that your gone
it doesn't mean our friendship ends
because i'll never forget what we had
this only just begins

i'll remember you
mindi-lou



(/\ click the link to hear the song)

Must Be Love

**i think this would be a good song...**

You say hello 

I say goodbye

You kiss me

And I run away

All I want to do is run under a tree 

Run under a tree 

I fall into a frenzy

What is this

What is this

Must be love

Must be love

How many times have I asked for it and now

What do I do

With something new

What do I do when I have no clue

You say hold my hand 

I push you away

How do I say

That I want you to stay

When I’m afraid of the pain if you say no way

If you say I found something new

Where do I go 

Where do I go

My dear

Slowly I keep falling

Falling into your eyes

Falling into your arms

Must be love

Must be love

How many times have I asked for it and now

What do I do

With something new

What do I do when I have no clue

You have me now

Don’t break my heart

Don’t have me fall apart

For I’m already there

In your arms

In your heart

Your in mine

Must be love

Must be love

How many times have I asked for it and now

Kiss me once more under the willow tree

Kiss me once more under the trees

Soldier of Love by Sade

I've lost the use of my heart
But I'm still alive
Still looking for the life
The endless pool on the other side
It's a wild wild west
I'm doing my best

I'm at the borderline of my faith,
I'm at the hinterland of my devotion
In the frontline of this battle of mine
But I'm still alive

I'm a soldier of love.
Every day and night
I'm soldier of love
All the days of my life

I've been torn up inside
I've been left behind
So I ride
I have the will to survive

In the wild wild west,
Trying my hardest
Doing my best
To stay alive
I am love's soldier!
I wait for the sound

I know that love will come
Turn it all around
I'm a soldier of love
Every day and night
I'm a soldier of love
All the days of my life

I am lost
But I don't doubt
So I ride
I have the will to survive

In the wild wild west,
Trying my hardest
Doing my best
To stay alive

I am love's soldier!
I wait for the sound
I know that love will come
Turn it all around

I'm a soldier of love
I'm a soldier
Still waiting for love to come
Turn it all around

Goals

I just read a friends blog (if you look in the list of blogs on the side she is Sara Renee I believe) and realized... I never make goals.  I have never set one.  Sure I have things that I do in my life.  Things like work, school work, family.  And with sed things I have to do things for them... but never once have I set a goal for my life.

Goals are a funny thing.  That means that I have to have some determination to do them.  Or that I am actually thinking of the future to do these things.  I hate looking into the future because I have no clue as to where it will take me.  I've always been "where the wind blows me" kinda girl.  I like just to go with the flow.  Well whenever the (water) current is moving that is.  And lately that current has been moving fast.  I looked at my degree list and in my major I have four classes left to finish it.  That's of course not including the four or five general classes that I have yet to take... BUT that scares me.

That finish line.  The clear line is sitting in front of me.  But I'm having trouble finding the ambition.  I wanted to say motivation but for now ambition is the right choice.  I need ambition to finish the rest.  I know I can do it.  But its as if I don't want to.  To stay that child sounds so easy.  Keep pushing the adult side of me away.  But I have to grow up.  I have to finish.  I have to make goals.

Goals to me are like the definitive notion of fulfillment and I have never truly finished anything.  It could be that on some level I have ADD but I have never been tested.  I have so much anxiety about all of this.  Yet I sit in silence.  I pretend that its not happening.  I pretend that it will just fade away... If I don't put my thoughts on it.

I can't pretend any more.  I have to do this! I have to make my goals!  Isn't that what resolutions are about.  Its just another name so that we don't have to do them.  The word goal implies that they have high importance and need to be done.

...need to be done...

Ouch... it hurts.  It hurts that I have let others do what is needed to be done and not done them myself.  I understand these are things of become an adult.  But please see it from my point of view.  Second child where the oldest child was oldest and was first to try new things, the third child had ambition to do new things, and of course the baby so far apart from the older sisters had to learn on her own.  So things were just done for me.  I was given what to do.

Its all apart of finding oneself... Goals...

Goal for the year... graduate...

~Rosa

For the new year I will...

Hi peoples!  I'm thinking of doing this whole resolution thing... I've tried for the past... well all my life to do them and they never are fulfilled... so... KEEP ME ACCOUNTABLE... if you want that is... ha ha!


Okay lets line them up... In first place which should be my priority that is why I'm putting it first... Focus on my schooling...  I need to jump all in.  I start in a week and my heart is not there!  I'm quite worried but lets give it a go!  I need to do this for me!  If I don't do it I might not want to continue... SO let's focus on school, on trying to get closer to that goal of graduating!


In second place... losing weight!  I've already lost a good 20 to 30 pounds since last summer but gained about 7 to 10 over the christmas holiday!  I know... YIKES! So I am needing to walk more, eat more... healthier that is... and have a healthier look on life.  So that's that!


Third place... open myself up to love!  Yes, yes I have opened myself up to love last year... How you might ask?  Well I'm finally seeing myself as a prime piece of... well you know... :)  I just need to focus on allowing myself to be loved.  I get people telling me they like me but stop them before the light turns green.  So I need to say yes and see where the relation may go.  Stop saying no and become a YES woMAN.


So those are my three!


1. Focus on school
2. Lose weight
3. Become a yes woman


These are all feasible but I am a woman that likes to botch it up for myself so it is easy to sabotage my own progress and not fix it.  Its easy to regress and stay the same then pushing myself forward.  I guess that's another one that needs to be changed then.  Okay then number 4... Everyday I need to refocus myself to push myself forward.  Not sure how to word this one...  Stop living like a child and own up to responsibilities.  Yup I guess that's it.


4. Living up to my responsibilities


Okay.  Those are my resolutions.  Let's see how this will work...  20 10... I'm gonna need your help to keep me in check! Let's roll!


~Rosa

So Heavy

Its coming to an end

Its finally ending

But I can’t seem to cross that line

I can’t seem to reach  it

I find things to stop me from running

To find another course

I want to live pretending

I want to play the fantasy

Thinking I will surpass it if I...

If I don’t think about it

So heavy my heart feels

So weighed down

I can’t seem to carry it anymore

I try pushing it along

I try rolling it

And nothing

I’m stuck at the bottom of a well

I’m drowning

And no one can hear me

The weight of everything is coming down fast

I’m frightened

I’m scared

I’m screaming at the world and there is no one around

There is nothing that can alleviate this storm

The winds picking up

And I’m afraid I will get destroyed

I’m afraid that I will not live to see the next day

To see the seasons change

To see the next chapter in my book

To revert to when I was innocent

Craving to be a child once more

But it will never be that way again

It will never be as easy as a child skipping rocks over the water

Ok then if my heavy heart wont move

If I can’t seem to take another step

Then let it hit me

Let it chip away at me

Let it break me down

I will stay until I am ready to move on

I will stay at the bottom of that well until my arms are strong enough to carry me out

I will stay until I am ready to finish that race