Hazy

by Rosi Golan ft. William Fitzsimmons


I watched you sleeping quietly in my bed
You don't know this now but there's some things that need to be said
And it's all that I can hear, It's more than I can bare

What if I fall and hurt myself?
Would you know how to fix me
What if I went and lost myself?
Would you know where to find me
If I forgot who I am,
Would you please remind me oh?
Cause without you things go hazy

Simple Love

Your delicious smile

Your deep blue eyes

Has captivated my soul

Has captivated my heart

Your touch makes me feel alive

Your laugh feels like home

A kiss 

So sweet

Your gaze burning a hole to my being

Your honesty has raptured me

If I could stop from giving in I would

A simple caress

Your simple love is so complex

Old Post #4: Whispers In the Wind (Feb'08)

I wonder… beauty fades… fame lasts 15 minutes… then what truly lasts forever… some say love… love hurts… love breaks…. Love rips apart… and love moves away… when do you find it… when do you recover from it… when do you let it go… how do you know when it’s the real thing or just make-believe… I loved you but you’ve made it like a story that now blows on the tail end of the wind… nothing grand… nothing wondrous but still, it was there… I made it real… I brought it to life… I loved you… did you love me… was this a one sided love… I can’t tell… you hide behind those beautiful green eyes… they smile back at me… but with every kiss it faded…. With every hug it got lost…. With every laugh it was put away…. I took you in… I breathed you… I was yours… completely… did I love too hard or not enough… where did I lose you… did you take a different road… were we not on the same path… I lost you… now our story is just a memory… a story just like theirs and theirs and theirs… why couldn’t it just be ours… now the wind whispers to those who are about to lose love… 


"allow them to love you first... let them prove the love they have for you …"

Life is full of rambles...

I want to look back on these years and think "wow, that really tested me for what I am living now..."  Not sure I will say that... Not sure what I will say to be honest...

These are supposed to be the best years of a persons life.  I see beauty in parts of my life.  But not sure if these will be the best.  I keep dreaming that the best years are truly still to come.  Even when everything all around me is burning to the ground something within me says NO!  There has got to be more.

I wish I could divulge everything that is happening in my life right now.  I'm not content.  I"m scared, worried, frightened, depressed and not happy in any sense.  This is why I pretend.  This is why I make up imaginary worlds in my mind.  To escape reality.

I have always done that.  Believed myself to be someone else.  Believed myself to be something more.  Sometimes right before falling asleep I would do this and then dream of it.

The weird part of all of this is that I wish I could somehow write it all down.  But I don't know how or how to make it interesting.  I still don't know how to express myself in that sense.

Its like holding the paintbrush up to the canvas and painting without paint on the brush.  I imagine what it could be but once color is added it looks like a murky brown.  Everything mumbled and jumbled together to look like nothing.

I think my mothers depression is affecting me too.  Its not good how depressed she is.  I wish she would go see someone and talk to them but she believes it to be poppycock or nonsense.  The only reason I would know is because when I was younger she wanted me to see one but would turn around and tell others that people that go see psychiatrists are crazy and abnormal.  So since she wanted me to go see one I felt like I was abnormal.

i'm just rambling now.  But that's my life right now.  One big ramble session.  Not really having one direction.  Not really knowing what to do with what I have.  So here's a simple recap that really isn't so simple...

Untitled/Unfinished

The grass grows slowly

Its grown taller then me

I remember the times we spent sipping lemonade in the yard

A lifetime ago it seems

When we walked down the path to the lake

And now there is no path

Its covered and overgrown

When I smell the breeze

When I feel the summer sun

It brings me to you

It brings me to the moment when it was life

Now all I hear are the creaky windows

The breeze shaking the house

This house was ours

This house was happy

And now it is fallen

Like the depths of me

Like the the broken vase trying to hold the love 

Yet it was seeping through the cracks

No  more to be kept 

No longer to be mine

How could you go

How could stay

Yet the minutes in the hour glass seemed like eternity

And the time spent away felt like home

Helpless by Neil Young

**So here's a song I simply cannot get enough of... it was the inspiration to my "Helpless" writing.  So here it is!**

There is a town in north Ontario,
With dream comfort memory to spare,
And in my mind
I still need a place to go,
All my changes were there.

Blue, blue windows behind the stars,
Yellow moon on the rise,
Big birds flying across the sky,
Throwing shadows in our eyes.
Leaves us

Helpless, helpless, helpless
Helpless, helpless, helpless

Baby can you hear me now?
The chains are locked
and tied around my door,
and baby, will you sing with me somehow.

Helpless, helpless, helpless
Helpless, helpless, helpless
Helpless, helpless, helpless
Helpless, helpless

Blue, blue windows behind the stars,
Yellow moon on the rise,
Big birds flying across the sky,
Throwing shadows in our eyes.
Leaves us

Helpless, helpless, helpless
Helpless, helpless, helpless
Helpless, helpless
Helpless, helpless, helpless

Helpless, helpless, helpless

Where is Life

Darkness has finally shrouded my mind

I have surrendered to the thick adversity

I can no longer pretend I live in light

Darkness is all around me

I walk on broken glass

My hands feeling cactus all over me

My skin pelted by the large hail become raw

My flesh is bleeding

My mind is slowly unraveling

Where have I gone

Where am I going

Where is life

Nothing seems familiar

What will I do now

I am floating down

Down, down, down

I can’t tell if I am up or down

I am tumbling along side the coral

Along side the eels and the sharks

Gasping for air

Grasping for life

Hoping for something to find me in the dark abyss

My last breath has come upon me

One more look at the confusing world

One more look at the ugliness I have created

And I’m gone……..

Controversy

**WARNING THIS NEXT POST IS EXTREMELY CONTROVERSIAL IF YOU DO NOT WANT TO READ ABOUT GAY RIGHTS AND GAY ACTIVISM THEN STOP THIS IS NOT FOR YOU AGAIN THIS A WARNING... YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED**

Let me ask you something... How much does it offend you?  How much does homosexuality hurt you? Or affect you?  How much?  

I see how much it pains those who decide to come out and their families shun them because it is something SO unacceptable.  Something so gruesome for someone to become.  Do you think that these people become monsters?  Do you think that a gay person does it for lust?  For sexual prowess?  Because a raw part of them that decides that having sex with the same sex is all they desire?  How much does it offend you?

And how much do you know that a majority of the people that live small lives do not come out because it pains them to even pretend to come out.  Because if a small part of them is shown to anyone that is close to them it will diminish what they think of them.  Let me ask you.  How much of you will be affected if someone else says they are gay?  If someone else says they will love someone of the same sex?  If someone else says I’m in love and want to get married?  

The decision of whether a person wants to be gay or straight should never be in someone else’s hand.  It should never be in the hands of the judgemental.  It should never be in the hands of someone that does not want to see happiness in that persons life.  

It hurts me how many people live a life half lived because they are afraid of the religious repercussions.  Of what it really means if they decide to be open about their true selves.  Some go so far to kill themselves.  Some go so far to end their life because someone else does not want to accept it.  

You preach of love.  You preach of surpassing grace.  You preach about the comforting spirit.  But how much do you actually listen?  How much do you actually decide and say maybe its not all about me looking good in God’s eyes.  Instead why don’t you listen and ask why they decided to say that they are gay.  Why they decided to tell you.  Because in all honesty I believe people are born gay.  People do not choose it I believe that there are people how are flipped.  That other gay people change their decision.  But what about those who never had someone else tell them about it and they just know.  What then?

Why do Christians feel that this sin is such a touchy sin?  No!  Why do Christians think this is a sin?  I’ve decided and I am 100% for the gay team!  I’ve decided I have no right in telling a person what will make them happy.  That my happiness does not have to be their happiness.  How dare you believe that there is only one way to be happy?!?!  

This topic so burns in me.  I’ve seen so many unhappy people because of Christianity.  It sickens me that people are so turned off by homosexuals.  And look.  I get it.  You do not understand it.  And maybe you don’t want to.  But if you decide to not try to get involved in this issue then do not try to stand against it.  Do not say you are on the opposition when you do not know what the situation is about.  

Do not say and try to stand on what you say when you haven’t seen every side of the coin!  There will always be two sides to a story and if you want to be heard on your story you better bet your a** that you need to know the other side of the story as well!  Don’t go all gun-hoe and guns-a-blazzing when you may as well be the one in the wrong.

Argh...

This is one heated debate in my heart because I’ve seen too many unhappy people because of religion.  Because of their conditioning.  Do not say it is wrong just because.  Tell me why.  Give me a good reason why.  Don’t just say because its in the bible and that’s why.

I WILL NOT AND CAN NOT ACCEPT THAT!!!!

Please think for once and give me a well educated answer then come back to me...

Helpless...

There are days I sit and wonder what would I be doing if I never knew Christianity.  If I was never introduced to having a strong faith.  Where would life have taken me?  Would I be lost in the perils of my mind?  Would I be exalted in a group of peers?  Would I be who I am today?  

If my parents spoke english and understood what was being said in English would I be even happier in my life?  I never had the choice to choose.  It was given to me.  Then it was forced on me.  Did I even want to be a Christian?  Did honestly say “yes please pass the anointment oil.”  What if I had a life where I was given that choice.  Where it wasn’t yes all the way.  If it was “I will respect and fear Him who has created us” instead of “you scare me because I’m afraid of the repercussions if I sin.”  There is too much fear given.  

The fear if you step outside the little box built, that life will seize to exist, that there is no outside the box...  Just one tiny thing...  To perish.  

Adam and Eve ate the apple knowingly.  But it was curiosity.  Yes they had to pay for it for the rest of their lives.  Yes we have to pay for it for the rest of our lives.  But... They lived.  They lived outside the box that was created for them.  They lived.  Why can’t I live outside this box that someone else created for me?  Why can’t I just be?  

I have so many questions that keep going unanswered.  What I am also saying is I do not condone those who choose Christianity.  That is not what I am saying.  This is just for me.  Why did I say “yes”?  Why did I decide that it was for me?  The only answer I have is because I was afraid.  Because I was told to fear Him.  To obey Him.  

I cannot see our almighty God as something comforting.  As someone who I can call father.  I only see Him as the God from the Old Testament.  God of fire and war.  It’s hard for me to see Him as anything else.  This thing called Christianity was been conditioned into my brain.  It was programmed for me to live and keep living.  It wasn’t a program that I decided to buy on my own and upload into my system.  

I have split myself from Christianity.  I have decided to say stop to the nonsense.  Don’t get me wrong.  Something within still wants to dance for the Lord.  Something within me is pulled when I feel worship upon me.  But I’m not asking for religion anymore.  I’m asking for more.  I’m asking for answers.  No more BS.  More of what’s behind that curtain that was split over 2000 years ago.  

There is so much of me that I keep pulling out and it does not connect to this religion thing.  I keep trying to connect all these cords that are laying on the ground and nothing fits.  I get frustrated.  Frustrated that nothing is working for me.  Nothing seems to find its niche.  I had a friend tell me “maybe you just need more Jesus.”  I’m starting to find out... I don’t think I truly know this Jesus.  They say to get to God you have to get to Jesus first.  

Its hard to for me to see the trinity as one.  I see them as separate entities.  One almighty God, one almighty son, and one almighty comforting spirit (almost like a mother).  None connect to be one.  I just can’t see it..........

I used to dance...  

I would move to the worship... 

I used to free my soul to His love.  But people say love isn’t enough.  I’m finding to see that as something more true each day.  

A relationship takes work and I know I am a slacker there.  I am good at ruining things for myself.  Especially relationships.  I feel like I’m being a burden to all my friends even if I’ve known them for a short period of time.  I don’t text them.  I wait for them to text me.  What kind of relationship is there when your waiting for someone to talk to you when they don’t even know you want to talk to them?  

Hey you upstairs... I need you...  I said it...  Maybe you can peer into my windows... Do you notice the disarray?  Cuz its becoming overly cramped with no room in here...

Tears

Tears

Tears of sadness

Of sorrow

Of anger

Of bitterness

And tears of pure joy

Pure happiness

Pure and utter bliss

I want to find the one thing that will make me cry

Cry of pure bliss

Cry for happiness

Cry because life has finally given me my life’s fulfillment

Yet tears of sorrow seem to drain me

Tears of anger seem to well up in me

Tears of ugliness is what I am about

I want create memories that will make me cry tears of contentment

Tears of knowing that my life will be ok

But I’m hurting

I’m not finding solace

I’m not finding the stop button on all this anguish in my life

Where do I go to find it

I keep over turning the rocks

At least they seem happy with what life has given them

But I feel like a rock that is trying to fly

Believer by Susanna & The Magical Orchestra

Didn't think you would trust me.
Thought you would see what I see.
These days have been good for me too,
But I can't stay.
You know why.

Didn't want this to end like this.
Thought I might could convert.
These nights have been sad for me too,
But I don't pray.
You know why.

You are a believer,
I am not.

Didn't think I could ever love,
So I had to destroy it all.
But you will do find someone new,
When I am gone.
You know why.

You are a believer,
I am not.