Last Post of the Month

i have nothing else to give you
i have nothing else to shed
i've shed it all
i've given all of you every piece of me

what else do you want
what else are you craving

i keep giving you everything
i keep giving what you need
i'm the one feeling empty
i'm the one needing to find my source

but where do i find it
where do i get that substance called life

my feet are dragging
they are bloody and scratched
they are falling to pieces
like my heart

my friends i love you all
and yet some i don't even know
i have given you every part of me
and yet i have hidden the most precious parts of me

i feel like my tornado has stopped
it has come to a place of solace
i have grieved the loss of the old me

i am not content though
i am not joyed
i don't know what emotion to convey to you all
i don't know what face to show you

so i will give you this
i will give you my true face
unadulterated

i have gained and i have lost
i have stood and i have fallen
i have loved and i have been broken down

my months, my days, my hours so slowly go by
so slowly show me what i have been lacking
where i need improvement

time has given me healing
and yet it has given me sorrow
i have forgiven those who have hurt me
and i still keep getting hurt by them

if only i could give them what they need
if only i could show them maybe thats not what they need
maybe they just need the simple lines of me
my simple outlines

can you and i find happiness in that
can you find happiness in just normalcy

i am not special
i am not talented
i just write what my heart bleeds
i write what my mind screams

so here is me
here is what i am
here is where i am

do you want to take it
or do you want to leave it
do you want more
or will you turn around

but before you do turn around
i have one thing to ask
why do you turn your back on me world
why do you think that there isn't anything good here

we are both tainted
we are both bruised and stained by all the hatred in the world
what i ask of you is to accept the residue that is found in the tiny cracks of my skin
in my every breath
in my every look

you and i will never be perfect
and maybe its a good thing
because we can try and transform each other
we may be able to help on another

i know this post was in one of my writing forms but thats how i wanted to end this month... i didn't feel too inspired this month... or maybe what i have written was too personal, to close to my heart...

but here's another recap... what each month has given me by getting rid of the old me...

the month of june: a month for realizations
the month of july: a month for inspiration
the month of aug: a month for acceptance
the month of sept: a month for grieving (the old me)
the month of oct: only the future can tell... standing on my precipice

if you read please post... show me what your made of... tell me what you think...

Running Into the Unknown Abyss

Its different

Life is different

I try seeing it like I used to

I try looking at the world with my old eyes

But I can’t

I don’t remember how I used to look at it

I don’t remember how it used to be

Does it feel right

Does it feel normal

I don’t know

I’m not sure

Am I supposed to see everything differently

Am I supposed to feel the world through my eyes

Or by each step I take

What if I want to close my eyes at each step

What if I want to go at it without holding myself back

I want to run into the abyss with my hands on either side of me

With my eyes wide shut

I don’t know if this is what happiness comes from

I don’t know if this is where I tell the world forget what you know

Remember me for what you see now

Remember me for what I am now

That skin

Those eyes

That smile

Have all gone

Have been lost

And I have found a new twinkle for my eyes

I have found a new way to stand

A new way to live

Are you afraid of all this new-ness

Are you afraid that I will come to a standing halt

That I may have reached my highest peak

Oh world why must you worry for me

Why must you think that this difference is just passing

That it will not last

Why must you think the worse of my situation

Do you not see the worst part was my past

That I was able to get through that ugly jungle

That I am transformed and can’t lie in that tangle darkness

I don’t know if its right

But who cares

Mistakes are mine

Let me learn from them

And let me be changed by them

Less is more...

i've decided to slow me down... to not give the world as much of me anymore...

life has slowed down and so has my heart...

i wish i had more to give the world right now...

but i can't keep exposing my writings...

i know depressing right...

blarg... -_- till next time...

Crimson Days

I can't think straight...

every night i empty my heart
but by morning its full again
slow droplets of you seep in
through the nights soft caress

at dawn i overflow with thoughts of us,
an aching pleasure
that gives me no respite

love cannot be contained
the neat packaging of desires splits asunder
spilling crimson through my days,

long languishing days
that are now bruised
tender with yearning
spent searching for a fingerprint
a scent, a breath, you left behind

~Kelly Moss

The Illusionist

i posted it, deleted it, and reposted it...

its on another page in video form...

it gives more of an impact for me...

but this one is a little much for me just to post in black and white...

it hurts a little...

Me Post Numero Cinco!

i could give you another one of my writings or i could just tell you what is in my heart without going around the bush... the past week, even before my last writing, has been very weird. my emotions have gone up and down. i've been depressed, happy, sad, angry, pissed off, joyful and i have felt nothing about anything.

Have you ever felt that? have you ever sat somewhere and not felt a single thing about the world. just emotionless and empty. i couldn't find happiness, sadness, anger, no emotion. and today i'm feeling it again. Not to the full extent like i did the other day. but close. i wonder why i'm feeling this way. i wonder if i'm supposed to feel emotionless to get something out of me.

or maybe its just normal to feel nothing about anything. the only thing that seems to pull me out of this state is finding people and hanging out with them. then my energy level matches theirs and i finally feel something. well its a good thing i work tonight. but its been happening to other people as well.

i have a friend who was talking to me the other night and she was just feeling the same exact way. it could be that she is on meds and the meds could have put her in that kinda mood but then what's my excuse of feeling that way. anyways after talking to her for a bit i was able to get her energy level to match mine and pull her out of that funk. it could have been that i needed to feel what she was feeling to help her out of it but again with the empty feeling.

again with feeling no emotions. i'm starting to feel the true "torturous" emotions of an artist. yet i don't feel like an artist. slowly in the things i do i see myself becoming one but i'm not there. not in any sense. i'm slowly evolving. slowly changing to become that which i want. having passion for things, having some kind of direction as to what i want to do in my life.

but at the same time while this part of me grows, while this part of me i am surrendering to i feel like other parts seem to be failing. they seem to not be fulfilling anything. such as my job. the other day i went into work and was there to eat, only to eat, and one of the managers came to me in a frantic tizzy and asked if i knew how to make bread because their back up prep was sick that day and another manager was getting his ass kicked in the back. well needless to say that night i saved their asses and was taught how to make bread (which i was good at) and they saw what a great worker i am. BUT... but its been almost a week and i don't feel the vibrations of that. its like instead of the job getting better it got worse. don't know how that happened.

i mean for things to get better do they have to get worse? not sure about that analogy...

sorry folks for a sad and crappy post. but sometimes i need to be heard and if this is how i needed to be heard then so be it.

on a good note i'm finally showing my beauty in all aspects of myself. people are seeing my beauty. something that i never believed i had. how could i show my beauty when you have three sisters that are beautiful. more beautiful than you. it was easy to take the backseat to peoples compliments. and now i'm getting all the compliments and how sweet it is!

i've yet to find me someone to truly share it with and i know its not as serious as some make it out to be. to find their perfect someone and all. i'm just trying to find my perfect someone for now. if their really is a "perfect someone" then maybe i will find them. but for now i'm trying to just have fun. isn't that what life's about?

anyway i'm glad i was able to turn this post around. because i'm feeling good now. feeling content. i tend to feel content often. how often can you say you feel content? its not an emotion like happy its more of things in life are good and you know they are getting better so you are content and good about your life. not over joyed nor happy. sure happy but content lays better with me.

ok lovies i'm gonna leave you with one more thing... i posted this on my facebook pajina (page in spanish)...

sometimes you lose the good things in life to make room for the great things!

~rosa

p.s. hard to learn it... trust me i know because i'm STILL trying to learn it... but let's learn it together and maybe we can be content... together!

9/11/01 special me post

to this day i still have not allowed myself to grieve for this momentous occasion.  just like everyone else i remember exactly where i was.  i remember my mother coming home from work screaming and walling and woke me up in hysterics.  my heart was basically in my head.  i turned on the tv and watched in shock as the twin towers/world trade centers were gone and up in flames.

i don't know if this is the year i will let it affect me or if i will let it truly sink in.  it saddens me to see my skyline and not see them in it.  i still remember what it looked like from the top floors.  i ate in their restaurant there, went up the elevators, looked down at the world from atop it, and stood at the corner of the buildings.

i've yet to go see the demolished site.  i've yet to pay my respects for those that died that day.  it might be too much for my heart to take in.  i'm not sure. but i don't want to shed that tear until i can see the true pain of its emptiness.  until i can see the deep holes those buildings left behind.

i need to be in a spot where many people ran away from it.  i need to stand where others watched in utter amazement of the destruction of these buildings.  then that is when i can release my anger, my pain, my sorrow, and all the anguish this world carried that day and those that followed when many searched for those that were lost!

but for now i will reserve my tears for this october.  i'm going home.  i'm going back to new york to visit and hopefully that is one stop i will make.  one stop i will grieve.  but for now i will not sit and wallow.  although the heaviness of this day will follow me till the day is gone.

i still remember.  i will always remember.  it will be etched and ingrained in my heart.  thank you God for helping those that survived out of the buildings and for those that didn't i'm hoping that your love was shown in their last minutes!

i pray for those that have lost a loved one on this date. i pray that their hearts have fully been repaired and they know that they will be reiniquanted with their loved one someday!

i'm not only sharing love to those who have lost... i want to share love to you who has read this!  i pray that this day is not a day of sorrow for you... but a day of love... a day that we can forgive those that maliciously decided to try and break this nation down.  love them as you would love your brothers and sisters for they need it too!

~rosa

p.s. if you would like to comment on your emotions of this topic please do so... tell me your memory of this day...

Why the Willow Weeps

Do you remember

The time we sat alone under the weeping willow

We had a picnic that day

We packed a huge lunch

And sat all day under that tree

You found it one day

And decided it was the perfect place to sit under

We laid the blanket

We ate

We sat

And we were in utter bliss

Underneath the weeping willow

How the breeze ran through its branches

How the tree gave us shade under the bright sun

Protecting us form everything

Nothing to stop us from being disturbed

The way your voice echoed all around

How I miss it

How I wish I could still hear it

That was our perfect day

We talked for hours

Until the sun set

Watching it under the willow tree

What happiness it brought you and I

The beauty of that moment

And now the sadness of the place

I sit alone now under the weeping willow

No one around

Just me

And its leaves

As the cold wind blows off the leaves

So does it blow away my tears

I see now why it weeps

For it finds happiness in others

And then sees the sorrow in their happiness

Knowing their love will not last

Created for beauty it was

But yet to find unhappiness in its beauty

So much love has it been shown with the many different people sitting under it

And how much unhappiness it has seen with the many tears by the broken hearted

Let me weep as the willow does

Let me feel the harsh cold wind blow through me

And let me blow away like its leaves during the changing of seasons

Old Post 3

February 2008

What is it… 
what is it… 
what do you want from me… 


you brought me here… 
I’ve gotten nothing from you… 
you’ve been no help… 
you don’t understand what it is that you do to me… 


your not poison your not a drug… 
you’re a disease… 
you infect until you’re the only one happy… 


I hate you… 
I hate you… 
never once did you say I love you… 
never once did you understand my anger… 


no… 
your not a mind reader… 
but did you ever care to ask… 
did you ever want to ask…  
how I am… 
who I am… 


I am here because of you… 
but I never understood you… 
you never let me understand the walls behind your gates… 


I loved you… 
I needed you… 
I gave you so many reasons to stay 
so many reasons to love me… 


but you never showed me the truth… 
you never gave me that one thing I was searching 
the one thing that I still look for today… 


I can’t find it in anyone else… 
I couldn’t understand why I wasn’t able to reach out to him… 
I broke his heart because of you… 


why do you have such a hold on my heart… 
why did you leave a mark on my heart…. 
You’re a scar that never heals… 
I want to be rid of you… 


tell me what can I take to make your hurt heal… 
to make that scar a memory… 


I want to move on…. 
I need it… 
your existence isn’t more than just a memory 
it so vividly lives in me… 


you’re a shadow that looms to my side 
never fading away 
always growing bigger… 


I can’t tell if its me or its you that walks… 
you grow bigger with every heartache…  
if only you knew how much anguish and pain you give me… 


I loved you 
I hated you 
and I don’t know how to feel about you… 


you’ve hurt me 
you stained my life 
and I need to remove you… 


tell me what can I use to finally remove this residue… 

Shades of Gray

There are two sides to this world

Light and darkness

Living in such different worlds 

Light decides that they are better than darkness

That they can attain things more because of where they stand

Living in their white world

Knowing that your black world is only full of darkness

And they are better because they are full of light

They have been given only good experiences

So they are able to talk about the darkness

They are able to speak condescending to it

They believe they are stronger than it

They say...

You who lives on the left side

Does not understand how it is to be loved

How it is to be cherished

How it is to be freed

So they will look down on darkness until darkness finally decides to come to the right side

Then the other side

Looks at light thinking that they know they are better

As light believes they are free

Only seeing darkness as less than what they are

Do you not see that darkness is what helps you attain your white status

That they are fighting everyday

Knowing that they need to do whatever it is to stand

Yet the light already stands on a box

A box that was given to them

Where they keep adding more boxes to look down on the darkness

Yet they stand in darkness only because the light’s shadow has a large overcast

Darkness cannot seem to get outside their shadow

It looms over darkness and they cannot find the light

But there are those who push and who overcome and find the gray...

Those live knowing that whether they are not where you are or will ever be they will still love you

They will not have you look down upon them

The gray will look at you in the eyes

For you are equal

The gray does not stand in light

For it does not want to have a spotlight on them

Yet they do not stand in the dark

For they have overcome

They stand in the middle

They stand walking being the balance

Gray will be the one that helps those around them find what it is they lack

In the light and in the darkness it will help them find their happy medium

They will help the light find joy in others darkness

And will try to help darkness find peace in others light

For gray will not be light and it will not be darkness

Yet nor will it be mediocre

It is here for the broken

It is here for the loved ones

To be able to communicate that love is not white

Love is not black

It lives in the shades in between

Eventually they will either become white or black

But for the time being

Let us mix our colors 

And find that we can find happiness 

In the shades of gray 

Combo To Become One

**ok so i wrote a song... this was asked of me and i tried my hardest... not sure if its even good... it was taken from the writing pure delight and a song i have not posted called bittersweet... well here's the song... I don't really have a name for it yet... but i think i might call it.... To Become One... ok folks enjoy another one!**

To Become One

-I-

Nothing is said

But so much is felt

I have so much I want to tell you

But I can see you feel the same way

Its all in your eyes

Let me stare into them forever

Let me fall for you each day

Just you and I

No where we rather be but in our own arms

-C-

I am here

You fill me with so much joy

You hold out your hand

And I reach for it

We walk side by side

Enjoying the simpleness of us

Its as if our worlds have perfectly aligned themselves

So that we could finally meet

A love that could be so pure

That will last for all time

-II-

I have given you every inch of me

I have held nothing back

You brought so much joy to my life

There is excitement with every word that pours out of your mouth

I never asked you to compromise

I loved you just the way you came along

So beautifully confident

So vibrant

So lovely

-C-

I am here

You fill me with so much joy

You hold out your hand

And I reach for it

We walk side by side

Enjoying the simpleness of us

Its as if our worlds have perfectly aligned themselves

So that we could finally meet

A love that could be so pure

That will last for all time

-Bridge-

You smile... It’s so bright

Your face... Lights up my heart

The way your eyes look at me

I am mesmerized

You have me in your hold

Hold me close

Hold me tight

Let us stay like this until there is no more you and me

But us

-C-

I am here

You fill me with so much joy

You hold out your hand

And I reach for it

We walk side by side

Enjoying the simpleness of us

Its as if our worlds have perfectly aligned themselves

So that we could finally meet

A love that could be so pure

That will last for all time

Doubt

Doubt

That is what truly shrouds my eyes

That is what I battle with everyday

My constant fight

Not wanting to hurt you

Not wanting to push you to rash decisions

Not wishing to break you down with my doubt

Something that I’ve been fighting with all my life

Not knowing whether I should or shouldn't

Afraid of the chaos that it will bring

Doubt

What a funny thing it can be

If said so much will it stir

And if not said 

How much unhappiness I will sit in

I need to push through this

I need to stand on more

But its so heavy

Weighing me down

As if I was thrown off a bridge with it anchoring me to the bottom

To be free off it

To finally accept it

Every piece of me cries out

Every piece of me knows

But still I doubt

To live outside of doubt

Will it ever happen

Will you allow me to live outside of it

Am I ready

Will I be fine

Will you