Friday, May 28, 2010

These Days

Can we talk… no… later… ok but I have something important to say…
I’ll see you later…  
Have you ever wondered who really listens?  Who really wants to hear?  And once you’ve said it… who really took it to heart…  I write because I can’t speak… I hold myself back in times when I wish I could just release…  how many times have I wanted to just scream.  Scream because that’s the only thing I could do to express the frustration, the anger, the sadness within.  So much of me is lifeless… so much of me is dying… and I can’t seem to add water to it to revive me…  its a withering flower that has decided to die… like a desert when it rains its like a basin where nothing is absorbed…  the basin seems to get bigger and bigger… I was somewhat happy and now I can’t seem to hold that smile… its like I live with a countdown to the end… nothing to refresh the page.  Nothing around to change the outcome…  
If people say things are they way they are then why can’t I be the same… why can’t I just allow myself to be me instead I pretend around people so that they accept me in their presence.  I don’t speak out of turn, I don’t try to interrupt, I don’t try to make a ripple in the water.  I try to be as still as the waters, as frozen as the lakes in the winter, and only moved if the wind decides to brush through my leaves…  as if I’m living my life floating from place to place.  Not really settling anywhere… not even in my own home.  I don’t feel like I belong anywhere.  There has never been a place where I can be.
Well there was only one time where I felt like the real me… when I danced.  When I felt the music and danced for Him… now where has my dance gone.  Instead it is a ritual that I do when I feel the music.  It’s as if its a choreograph movement instead a creative movement made to worship…  where have I gone.  Where have I fallen to.  When will I rise...

Sunday, May 23, 2010

Untitled Love 3

The bar was rather large.  That night they had a band playing, so when they walked in it was rather loud.  But Danny saw his work mates in the corner already getting started.  But Layla went directly to the bar, waved her hand 3 and said “shots, tequilla!”  Quickly the bartender made her drinks she left her ID and her credit card at the bar and one after the other she drank them down.  After they were all done and gone she shook her head gave herself a few seconds to clear her mind asked for a long island iced tea and turned around and headed for the corner.  
“There you are.  Ok you remember the guys right?”  
“Yes, Brian, Mike, Larry, Michelle and sorry I don’t think we’ve met” said Layla.
“Oh no we haven’t I just started working at the office.  I’m Kimmy.”
“Well Kimmy, its nice to meet you.  Where did you come from?”
“I came from the other side of the country.”  Layla gave her such a confused looked.  As the alcohol started to really kick in and Kimmy says “California.”
“Right!  Of course” says Layla as she starts to laugh.  “When people say the other side of the country and I’m on the east coast I should assume its California.  Well I guess this stuff is starting to work” making notions to her drink she grabs it up and drinks some.  “Are you not drinking tonight?” she asks Kimmy.
“I am but I don’t need to start drinking to have a good time.”
“I don’t either but I rather enjoy how it loosens me up a bit.”
Looking away Kimmy says under her breath “a bit…” and sips on her coke.  “So Layla what do you do?”
“Well besides make Danny look good.”  Both laughing as they look over at Danny and Danny looking back.
“What’s going over here?”
“Nothing, I’m just telling Kimmy how I make you look good just by being on your arm.”
“Yes babykins you are my ultimate accessory.  I really don’t need much else to make me look good” and he leans over and kisses Layla on the cheek.
“Thanks hunny!  No but seriously I’m a manager at a restaurant.”
“Really which restaurant.  Maybe I can go in and eat there some day” says Kimmy.
“She works at Roaming Traveler.  Its on the other side of town near the water.  One of my favorite places to eat.  Actually that’s where I met her.  My food was cooked wrong and she came out to fix it and to be honest didn’t care to get it fixed after she came to the table.  All I wanted was her number.”
“Yea and I said ‘if there is anything else I can do here’s my card and I’ll put my cell number on the back.’” 
“Aww and he of course called you back, right?  Assuming because you two wouldn’t be standing here together.”
“Right!”  They said together.  Then Danny turned to Layla kissed her on her head and says “You know babe, even though KImmy’s new to the company she’s one of the best.  She was highly recommended when she got to us.”
Sipping on the last bits of her iced tea Layla asks “so what brings you here then.  From what I hear you must have been the good at the other company.”
“I needed a change from that life.  So I went across the country to find something more to life.”
“Something more” said Layla in a tone sounding as if there is more to life.  “What do you mean something more?”
“Well I felt like I couldn’t get more from the area I was living in, nor the relationship I was in.  And well I was offered this job which paid more and seemed more enticing so I said why not.  If this doesn’t turn out to be something better or something more then I will go back to the drawing board.  I don’t mind going back to page one and starting over.”
Layla was utterly confused now.  One, who ever wants to start back on page one and two, Layla believed that life is one path.  It will lead you to where you are supposed to go.  Meaning you don’t need to keep changing paths or moving and starting over.  She believed by working hard that was the best outcome.
“How many times have you had to start over?” asked Layla.
“Well I’ve been changing and moving on since probably fifteen.”
“Wow!  Fifteen.”  Layla looked at Kimmy and thought to herself.  She doesn’t look that old.  She must be one strong woman!  “Well here’s to starting on a fresh page!”
“Here, here!”
As soon as they finished talking the band started playing Jessie’s song.  Layla jumped up found Danny and dragged him to the dance floor.  And so the night started!  

Wednesday, May 19, 2010

Untitled Love 2

Layla just got home from a long and arduous day at work.  She wanted to take a shower and just lounge on the couch all day long next to her two dogs.  But alas she had to get ready for the night.  She and Danny were going out for drinks and to hangout with friends.  Although Layla came from an extremely religious family she never believed drinking a few drinks at a bar was anything sinful.  She was surprised when on her third date Danny ordered wine with their dinner.  That was the first step in the conquest of Danny winning her over.  
She wore a sleeveless black top with a low v-neck, tight jeans and shiny teal ballet flats.  She fixed her make-up, pulled the tie out of her hair and let the long curls fall down.  It was going to be a hot night in South Carolina.  She didn’t care to straighten her curls that night because she knew she was gonna do some dancing as well, and when she dances she sweats and her hair becomes a fuzz ball.  So she knew it would be of no use to spend her time fixing her hair.  Yet her curls were beautiful just the same.  Her hair a little passed her shoulders.  A dark brown with layers.  Her hair accented her olive skin beautifully and she had dark brown eyes that anyone could get lost in.  
She let the dogs out for their usual run around the back yard and once she was done getting ready called them back in.  
“Come on guys.  Momma’s gotta go and have a good time.  I’m trusting you Bander to keep Chita in order.”  As she spoke both Bander, a husky light gray with white and blue eyes male dog, and Chita, a small toy fox terrier with black and brown spots female dog, looked back her as if the ground rules meant something very important.  As she ran back to the bathroom the doorbell rang.
“Come in.”
“Hey babykins its me.  Where are you?” says Danny.
“Bathroom.  Still putting on a few finishing touches.  I’ll be out soon.”
Danny walked into the kitchen with the flowers in hand, set them on the table and went to get a vase.  As he was getting these things the dogs were at his feet just running around excitedly.  It was as if daddy had gotten home.
“Hey guys” says Danny as he bent down to pet them.  “What cha’ll do all day?  Huh?”  He got up and found treats for them and gave one to each dog.  Turn the faucet on and filled the vase up with water, placed the flowers in and took the vase and placed them on the kitchen table.
“I’m ready!  Where…”  Layla turns and sees the beautiful bouquet of her favorite flowers.  “Hunny those are beautiful!  I love them!  Thank you!”  Layla goes and hugs Danny wrapping her arms around his neck and kisses him a nice kiss on the lips.
“No special occasion.  I just wanted to get them for you.”  They kiss again.  “I knew you would like them.”
“Oh the cleverness of you…”  Letting out a small laugh from her lips.
“I know this one.”  As he started to think as to where he had heard this quote from his forehead started to wrinkle.  Layla loved to watch movies.  She enjoys them so much she quotes them at anywhere it fits.  She looking back at him enjoyed this little game.  Her sisters and her would play this game with each other any little chance they got, and Danny had gotten rather good at playing this game.  “Can I get a hint?”
“It would be too easy if I gave you one.  Come on.  We saw this a few days ago that’s the hint.”
“Okay.  What did we watch a few days ago...” thinking to himself.
“Granted each time you do fall asleep.  Maybe I should just tell you.”  She says mockingly.
“I’m sorry I’m tired when I get here.  You know I have long days.  So when I get to your house and watch a movie I fall asleep.”
“Well that’s what I like to hear.”  As she starts walking away.  “That I come to my girlfriends house to fall asleep.  Nothing more.  Am I so boring?”
“Babykins come on.  I work hard at the office.  Looking at a computer screen trying to configure codes to new programs and such.  They really do take it out of me.”
“I know hun but...”  Layla sighed thinking to herself, he does work hard why shouldn’t he fall asleep after work.  She looked up at him and said “it’s peter pan.”
“Peter Pan!  I knew that!”
“Of course you did.  I’m ready.  Ready to go?”
“Yea.  And I am sorry that I fall asleep.”
“No baby.  It’s okay.  You really do have hard days” and she kisses him and they both walk out the door.
Arriving at the bar Danny turns off the engine and sits in the car.  “Babykins I’m gonna give you a rundown of who’s gonna be here.”  Danny and Layla always had rundowns before drinking.  Although Layla enjoys going out and having a good time she still felt socially awkward in certain occasions.  Especially if there was going to be a big crowd.  And Danny knew there was going to be one.  “Now you know all my cow-workers they all are gonna bring their girls or guys.  From here we are gonna go to The Cathedral and dance and met up with more people.”  Layla took in a deep breathe let it out and Danny says “you ok?”
“Yea!  Let’s have a good time” and smiles back.  First thought after she sent him a smile was let’s get a few shots in me and the rest of the night should go smooth.  
“You sure?”
“Yes hunny.  I’m ready.”  And Danny kisses Layla and squeezes her hand.

Sunday, May 16, 2010

Untitled Love

** just started this today and not sure if i want to make it into a story... tell what do you think its just the beginning though...**



There she was lying on the floor.  No one to hear her, no one to help her.  She didn’t know what to do but pour herself on the floor. Her hair disheveled, sopping up the tears that poured from her eyes.  As her body heaved from the heavy cries coming from her body.  She had lost all of herself.  Lost every part of her being.  
Nothing, not even divine intervention could help her.  She had passed the crossroad where she decided to leave religion in the dust and follow her heart.  But laying on the floor pouring all her being was it worth it.  Was it worth to leave all she was for this one thing?
A year before…
Layla had been dating Danny for about a year and a half.  She knew the relationship was getting to the point where it was either get engaged or break it off.  She had never been this close to getting married with any man.  She has had long relationships but she never was in love with any one man.  But with Danny it was different.  He was a smart man and close to his religion.  
His family was one of the reasons as to why she decided to be with him.  His mother, Roxanne, was very inviting the first time they met.  She felt her warm motherly love and was pulled in by it.  The normal reaction given to her when she met her boyfriends mom was rejection. She never understood why it was so because she had this desire to be liked by all.  
Layla always carried a smile and didn’t try to complain in anything that she was unhappy with.  She believed things are this way just because.  The only time she would get angry was when things around her were unjust.  Not in the matter where children say things are unfair, but when a person was truly given injustice.  That was her passion to find justice in life and true happiness.
Danny and her had talked about the future.  About settling down and building a home.  Her family loved him too.  They took Danny in like their own son.  Layla’s family were so happy that she was finally going to settle down and walk down the aisle.  See she was the last child in the family that was unmarried.  They saw Layla as the old maid and Danny as the one that would finally win her over.
She was happy to see her sisters married off with children.  Her oldest sister, Rachelle, finally getting married after ten years of her and her boyfriend having five kids together.  Then her sister, Brianna, married to the love of her life Manny with three kids.  And her youngest sister Misty finding love at a young age and married young.  Layla loved that her family was growing.  With eight nieces and nephews she was happy that she didn’t have a family of her own.  She lived the independent life.  She might have been called selfish but this was her life, and her family saw Danny as the cherry on top.

Friday, May 14, 2010

Dead Living

What happens when you are lost and swimming in the sea of uncertainty
What happens when truth is all around you but not in you
What do you do when clarity seems to be your enemy
And your only ally becomes the everyday routine of life
How is life suppose to help in solving your biggest questions
Where is the key to the ever growing lock
The lock that changes and evolves with each day
Where is the one thing that soothes the mid night tremors
The day light ache
And the mid hour agony of despair
How long until you find this life is just a hallucination
That my mirage is the nightmare I’m living
When do I snap out of confusion and see things for what they are
See them for the truth that surrounds me
Yet I’m bleeding out
My life, my force, my being is slowly deteriorating
I don’t know where to find me
I don’t know my identity or who I am anymore
I’ve become a living zombie afraid to be found out
Afraid to have someone realize that there is no life on this dead planet

Thursday, May 6, 2010

You and Your Face

The wind how it blows
Turning the pages
Turning to face the old me and the old you
How I’ve missed the laughter
I miss the silliness 
I miss starring at the stars with you
Running down the hall to find you
Looking through peep holes to avoid those that didn’t understand the fun
How freeing it was to have you around
To forget
To remember
To keep running until we couldn’t run anymore
Collapsing into ours beds
Laughing until there was nothing to laugh about
 Life has separated us
But I still live the memories of our friendship each day