What I long for...

Sometimes I dream of worlds that I’m rich and I’m wanted and I’m the only one that is important.  I imagine myself with money and power and status.  I see myself knowing all the right people and having all the right connections.  Pretending that they all adore me and want me to be in their lives!  I wish it were true...  To live a life where everyone adores my personality and wants to hang out with me... Not because of my status but because of me.  Of how wonderful I am and how funny I am and how artistic I am...  Yet this is my realm... A world of uncertainty, secrecy and fear.  The next day is never known... I want to live my life to the fullest but because of things around me I cannot.  I want to love and love hard but there’s no one to love.  There’s no one to give my physical heart to.  My soul yearns to be loved but doesn’t know how to let it be loved.  I was free once but gave it for cheap and fleeting love.  I remember the dance, I remember the feeling and the peace.  How far it seems... I long for more but more isn’t coming my way... To find me in the highest form of me is unlikely to happen.  I can’t past certain parts of my life or I wont let things pass.  I live in the pain day in and day out.  I carry on a facade from remnants of the hurt that was left by men... I carry that baggage.  I don’t share to everyone how I was.  Why do I need to tell every person I encounter that my life was shattered when I was a little girl.  That I am different so give me special treatment.  Love me more not less.  But I can’t live off the charity of those who feel bad for me.  Charity only last for a little while.  When it’s gone people will start to have disdained feelings for me.  I don’t want pity.  I am who I am.  Things happened to me for a reason... I think.  I want to tell the world about me and so many more people that have gone through this but I can’t just pull this out of someone.  I can’t just drop it on their lap and have them to sort through it.  I must sort through whatever this is to be able to share it with those who are willing to hear and willing to listen.  For if you don’t want to listen then its still okay.  It only means that you aren’t ready to listen to it.  You aren’t willing to understand what a person that goes through this goes through.  I wonder how many people are unhappy being homosexual because everything in their life has told them that they were sexually molested in some way and must be gay.  Or because emotionality has them marked out as someone who has to be this way or another way.  If you choose to be gay or a lesbian because their are true emotions for that same sex person that I say make your peace and go for it.  But if your love isn’t there and you and their is no peace about it if you’ve struggled with this going back and forth from it then it doesn’t mean that you are a homosexual.  I’ve struggled with the fact that I have no emotions and produce a lot of testosterone.  Because of it I produce an insane amount of hair all over my body like men do.  And my sex drive seems to be more like a mans but even with all this I am still a woman.  A woman who has never found love because love doesn’t come a knocking.  But does that mean I have to date women because I’ve never had a man come to me asking for my number or a date.  No... It just means my heart has never been in the game.  I’ve never wanted to actually go it for it.  Yet my heart yearns for that relationship.  One day I will be finally ready for it and when I am than I will jump in the dating pool ready to get my heart broken but not now... I know it went from one degree and now this note is on the 100th degree but I needed to write this.  I needed to but it on paper for myself.  And maybe for someone else too... I am ready!

frustrations of the heart...

why must i bring myself down...

i do such a damn good job at it.

i'm failing another class and doing nothing about it... i'm scared shitless to speak to the proffesor...  more than that... i'm scared to progress...  why can't i allow myself to become greater than what i am...  to love more and to fear less...  to jump knowing there's a net ready to catch me...

i'm willing to throw my self under the bus...

so i've lost another friend...  he's found a girlfriend... not saying that there is or was anything physical involved with us but when people start dating all they want is to be completly enwrapped with this other person.  by doing so they move on and stop talking to others around them.  not because they forget but because there's that other person who they have to tell their whatevers to.

i'm trying to distance myself from him because when i have friends i would like them to include me in their daily life.  this somebody has only spoken to me three times in the same day about 3 days ago and before that about a week and a half.  before that it was mostly every other day... well i don't like being replaced but its bothersome.  i don't have that other person to talk to the way i used to... he's got different priorities which is understable.

but i wish i was more in their life.  i want to be more in people's lives but i don't allow myself to become that more... i guess it takes more to get it out of me from those people... i guess that's too much than what a normal friendship takes... 

guess what... i'm not a normal friendship kind of person...  

so my sister today tells me... why can't i have you both with me all the time... refering to her husband and me... and i said because we can't have sex with each other... and she said no eww and he says  EXACTLY!

writing, writing, writing...

i'm writing my life down...

not sure if i will ever publish it...

but it needs to be written...

Trapped in the confines an endless world...

I've been having trouble sleeping...

I'm trying to "live" right... whatever that means...

Life is slowly moving.  Which is a good thing for its moving.  I just wish it went faster.

Challenges brings change.

It's what I've heard before but I heard it on an infomercial last night.  On a fitness commercial no less and even though I've heard it TONS of times it just hit me last night.

People keep asking for things to change in their lives.  Things that need straightening but they do NOTHING to change it.  As myself.  I ask for the change and I don't challenge myself for that change.  So why do I deserve it?

I'll be honest.  I haven't truly had too many challenges.  The two things I struggle with the most are love and trust.  And with those you can tag along fear.  

Love and trust...

They say when you are a child you develop many things to allow you to grow up with minimal whatevers.  And up until I was 9 or 10 maybe a little older I started to have troubles with who I could and who I couldn't trust.  

I would discuss something with someone and they would betray me by outing me out.  I was in class on monday, my Juvenile Delinquency class, and the professor spoke about how people need to have a relationship with someone to trust.  Right now in life  the only thing I trust to talk to is this.  To a nobody, a blank and empty page.  I feel free to write on this thing.  But in my actual world... I don't trust people face to face.  I've been hurt to many times from just telling people what I feel and what has happened in my life that I honestly don't care to share my inner mind and emotions with.

Life is life.

Maybe for a change I can reach out and challenge myself to trust one person to tell them what good and bad things have happened...  Maybe they'll think I'm crazy.  Maybe they wont.