Gathering the unraveled year...

I have not much to update on... Simply put... I've become really lazy.  I mean absurdly lazy.

What I mean is that I've become so complacent in the situation I'm in its like why change.  Even though everyday I wish I was else where with a car and a better job.  I hate my job.  I'm still working at Cracker Barrel and wishing I never went back.  But being so accustumed to the responsibilities there has made me be ok with it.  Even though I wish the place didn't have so many unheard of rules and regulations.  We have to become robots for the managers to speak to us.  Also many of the managers give preference to the two male servers we have.  So anything a woman says they kinda put it off as oh she's emotional... must be on her period.

Don't get me wrong some of the women there whine so much its understandable but honestly... Not all women are like that!!!!!

Anyways... still have no car and gave the one that wasn't working to my sister so that she can have... so I'm stuck using a car with two other women.  One that is mad when I use the car without asking to hang with friends, even though I and my mother puts gas in the car and my mother pays for the insurance, she still gets upset.  She of course NEVER puts gas in the car.  It's like pulling teeth with her!!!!!!  I hate that!

My love life... oh to be loved like I was their whole world.  I don't know if I was loved once by a real physical human being... but I want to believe I was loved once.  You know, I'm just not physically attracted to anyone.  Its like I'm asexual.  Nothing really sparks my interest.  It only happened twice.  The first person my best friend liked and she had dibbs so... I had to step up off.  (oh yea and he's a woman beater... so no thanks!)  The second one... I could never be the one with... He already had one.  She's perfect for him and I'm happy that they are together... But as a girl... I still sometimes wonder what could have happened if I threw myself more at him... But I'm so old fashion...

So another year ending and a new one beginning... 2009 I felt everything, 2010 I felt nothing, and 2011 I have no expectations...

Happy Holidays...

The Mirror

the mirror says it all
blinding me with my imperfections
i can turn away
but the realities will always show

this is how i see you
you are a mirror
i create truths with what you feed me
believing and ensuing a bond
a bond that is created on trust

but i've discovered after cleaning your mirror a crack
what are you hiding
what are you holding back

let me just fix it
for now...

you can barely see it anymore
then another imperfection appears

there's a chip in the glass
all over

everyone stands in front of your mirror now

i can see reflections of anger
of disappointment and disgust
yet i will believe in you for you show me the truth

seeing the good in you
you can be salvaged
i can help

but that little crack i tried covering up has surged through
now its half way through your glass
it wasn't there yesterday
or was it

it can still be fixed

but now things are distorted
things aren't as clear
if i clean you, you will break

tell me is this the real you
or do i have to wait for you to be fixed
have i been fed trickery with lighting and fog

was i being used as light to help with the illusion
let me step aside
let them see you
so i can really see you too

was this all a lie

7:31am Monday 12/20/10

Inspired?

Not sure if i am but here are more drawings... the first i call missing her cage and the second is just the original and the drawing.... enjoy!

More Drawings!

I got in the spirit of drawing today! and in charcoal too! i think i'm going to make it my favorite medium... i like what it does on paper... :) the first one is of the original picture and the drawing and the second is  of just the drawing itself! enjoy!

RIP

I wont be able to see you smile at me anymore
Nor hear your laughter

I wont be able to feel your arms surround me with a force full of love

Words that only i used to share with yoU
I have no one to share with anymore

You wont be able to hold my hand
Or wipe a tear
Nothing for your not here anymore

I wont be able to watch you grow old and live your years
For time has taken you from me

Now I walk alone
Only feeling a simply presence around me
Feeling you kiss my cheek gingerly like a brush of wind
Feeling you right before I drift off to sleep

Seeing you while half awake and half asleep
Smelling you right when spring arrives

Although you are a mere spirit now looking down
And although I cannot physical touch you
I know that you make your presence known when its needed

I will love you and miss you my dear friend

Rest in His peace and His arms

Friends

There are many things people pretend to be. They pretend to be friendly, trusting, and genuine. In reality people have many different agendas. People can decide that everyone is usable in one way or another and can take what they need from certain people at certain times in their lives. How many times have we been caught using someone else for our own gain?

I guess I’ve been guilty of it. But who hasn’t?

There were few people in my life that I can say I did not have them in my life because they had some kind of resource that I needed, and these people have become my true friends. Friends that I can pick up the phone say hey and know that when I say I love and miss them that its true.

But its hard to keep them around. Its hard when life pulls us apart and tells us that we have different paths to take.

I miss looking in there faces and laughing along with them. I miss seeing the lines on their faces. I miss talking to all hours of the night with them.

Its hard when the miles and distance separate us. Its hard when one of them needs my shoulder to cry on, needs my hug to console them, needs a hand to lift them, and its hard when they need my laughter to uplift them.

Yet this distance that seems to create cracks in my heart still wont stop me from loving my dear friends.

I’m long for the day when I can be face to face with them.

What really hurts is not being able to see the growth people are going through. Not being able to see them change and become what they were meant to be. What I mean is to see them really flourish.

Many of them are creating families. They are multiplying! Yet I can’t be near enough to enjoy the the happiness in my own arms, only through photographs.

I’m missing seeing my families/friends grow. But time was created for humans. So it will only be a short time until I can create more memories with them. For now… I will wait, wait until I can reminisce with them once again.

For now… I have pictures and photographs… I can’t wait to see you again...

A love

A love so tender so pure it floats lighter than a snowflake
A love that makes you shed a tear from its tenderness
That makes you so scared you cannot think of anything else
A love that looks you in the eye and holds you still

That captivates every part of your being

A love that scares you
A love that rejuvenates you
A love that does not judge you

To love with a passion that breaks me
That pushes me outside my self
A thing that breaks my resistance
That breaks my composure

That is the kinda love I saw in you

That kinda love I want to find again
That someone is waiting to give me again…

Come find me oh tender love
Find me and bring life into me again

Bring that intimacy back to my heart
The that vulnerability
That lightness that makes me float high above in the sky

A love that brings me to you

here's an update for ya...

blogging became a passion about a year ago... now its more of something that has to be updated... i'm not really in the mood to update anything when nothing seems to be going my way...

life is crap. i hate it. i hate home.

its like crap is inevitable in my life... and my parents because they do not understand english well... well its become more than a burden for me to keep up with their things... i'm not the head of their household... why did they move to america if they were never going to understand the language!!!!!!!!!!

FML!

Deafening

How have these four walls become so small? It used to fit me, you and everything in between. Bursting with life and all the goodness that light brings. And now it is empty and so snug. The window has become a clouded mess. I seem to clean up and I turn around and its dirty again. What’s the point of cleaning something that keeps getting dirty? Why keep trying. Its so dark and now the walls have started to cave in. I can barely move inside these walls. I can’t seem to find the door to get out. I’m clawing and pushing and nothing seems to move. I don’t know how much air supply I have left. The air has become so thick nothing alleviates the heaviness. How much longer until it starts to crush me, until I become apart of the walls? How do I break free from this imprisonment? Can no one hear me? Are my cries not loud enough? This solitude is deafening. The only noise heard is the sound of my heart beating, like seconds on a clock counting down till the end.

Untitled Love 4

Nights like these brought Layla new days.  It allowed her to release her worries on the dance floor.  The restaurant life lead to stressful days.  The normal working hours at a restaurant is between 60 to 80 hours a week, so it was always nice to dance and drink the night away.

After a two hours Layla was getting to the point of no return.  It was time for her to go home but both she and Danny were to drunk to drive.  Taxi was their best bet.

“Baby please call.  I don’t think I can even see the numbers on my phone right…”

“I’ll try” says Danny.

Kimmy noticed that both Layla and Danny were having too much fun to slow down so she decided to keep an eye out for them.  “II’ll drive you two, if that’s ok.  I haven’t had much to drink tonight.  I was making sure everyone else was!”

“That would be amazing Kim.  Seriously!  Did you want to drive my car or did you want to take yours?  It’s a big hummer so you’ll have fun driving it!”

“The manly man driving a manly car. Of course on a night we get drunk that’s the one you bring along” says Layla.

“Babykins I don’t go anywhere without it.  It gets the job done.”

“Right… So Kim which car?”

“Well I have a two seater so its gonna have to be your car Danny.”

“Hey I drove here with Larry, why don’t I drive your car while Larry follows me to your house Dan and Kimmy you can take Layla to her house.  That way no one’s car stays here at the club” asks Mark.

“Yea that sounds good!” says Kimmy.

“I don’t care as long as I get in my warm bed..” says Layla.

Danny hands over his keys as Mark helped him out to the car.  While Layla, holding on to one of Kimmy’s arms and Larry’s arm around her waist, walked out to the parking lot.  

“Wait can I kiss my hunny bun goodnight?” asks Danny.

As Danny sat in his car they brought Layla over.  Clumsily Layla grabbed the car door window leaned in and kissed Danny.  Danny grabbed her face “I love you so much.  It might be all the alcohol but you are so beautiful to me!  No its not the alcohol you simply are the loveliest creature on the face of this planet!  I love you babykins.”

All Layla could muster to say was “Ditto!”  She kissed Danny one more time and started to walk over to Kimmy’s car to go home.

“Ok well see you guys!  Be safe!” says Kimmy to her work buddies as they got into her car.  “Ok now where do you live?”

~~~

The next morning Layla woke up with a massive headache and her stomach was just churning.  She made herself get out of bed to get the dogs out.  When she got to the glass doors to let them out she realized she wasn’t alone.  She turned and walked to the couch and saw Kimmy on the couch.  She then walked to the kitchen to start the coffee maker and tried to remember what happened the night before.  But for her life, she couldn’t remember how she got home let alone how she got into her bed.  As the coffee machine was gurgling its last few drops into the pot she decided that she should wake Kimmy to give her a cup too but decided not to.  Walking across the living room to get to her office she bumped into her coffee table and stepped onto a squeaky toy and woke Kimmy up.

“Morning…” says Layla, although it was nearly eleven am.

“Morning.  What time is it?”

“Almost eleven.  I didn’t want to wake you since you helped me home… I think.”

With a smirk, “yea help is not the right word.  More like you owe me.”

“That bad?  Ugh.”  Layla sat down on the love seat next to the couch and looked down into her coffee.  “I am so sorry.  I can’t remember much from last night.  Just that we got to The Cathedral and then after a few more drinks, nothing.”

“Yea well I got you home and it was a battle to get you into the house.”

“A BATTLE?! What do you mean a battle?”

Laughing, “You wanted to go back and party but when I finally got you out of the car you ran to the nearest bush and well… let’s just say whatever you drank last night is in your front bushes.”

“Oh.”

“Yes.  Then I brought you in and tried to rehydrate you but it wouldn’t stay down.”

“Yikes.  Yea more like owe is right.  Truly so sorry!  I normally can hold my alcohol but I don’t know what was with me last night that I couldn’t stop hitting the alcohol.”

“Yea well don’t worry about it.  I’m just glad you look better today then last night.”

“I feel like crap to be honest with you.  But thank you for staying to make sure I was better.”

“Yea well Danny would have been mad if I left you alone!  Plus I bet he would have done the same for me.  He seems like that kinda guy.”

“He is.  That’s one of the qualities I truly enjoy about him.  He’s a well rounded kinda guy!”

“Well you’ve found a keeper!  Best not let that guy outta your grasp!”

“Yea.”

“What is it?  I hear a little sadness in your words.”

“I love him.  He is the perfect man for me in every way.”

“But…”

“However,” laughing, “I don’t feel the passion.  It feels like ‘its supposed to be this way’ and I wish it was more ‘we are soul mates’ kinda thing.”

“Oh.  Well maybe your reading into the whole relationship thing too much.  Life is supposed to be a ride.  It seems to me you decided to take the easy way out.  Not saying that its a bad thing but it sounds safe to me.”

“Safe.  That seems to be the right word.  But I’m almost thirty, shouldn’t I be married already.  That’s what the world is telling me.”

“Look I’m thirty two, and I don’t care to see marriage in my near future nor in my longer future.  Just take life by the reigns and live it up.  That’s what I do.  Just enjoy it while you can.  I’m not saying break up with the guy.  I have no clue as to what your relationship is like.  But you seem like you need more.  Maybe you need to push him a little to get that kinda satisfaction out of life.”

“Yea maybe that’s it.  I need more passion out of him and out of me.  I barely know you and you seem to be the only person to understand what I’m feeling.  Sorry for pouring this all on you.”

“No, no its totally ok.  Seriously no worries.  Anything said today is between you, me, and the fence post.  But on talk to him.  I bet he would be willing to do almost, no anything for you.  Well as long as he was able to get it you would have it!  You are a lucky girl.”

“Thanks, I just wish I felt it more.”

The Way We Were...

While ago I met a person. Someone that I only knew for a short period of time. I only saw him at my job. We worked side by side. And I fell for him.

It was a small crush. He was funny, strong, smart, independent, and lived life. At the time he was questioning many things in life. Where he was going to go, what he was going to do, things of that nature.

At our age who doesn’t.

I purposely made sure I looked perfect when I went to work. Made sure to talk to him when he was there. He and I, it was fun. But I could never cross my boundaries with him. He had a girlfriend. He was in love. But she was far away. Another country.

She decided they needed a break. I couldn’t interfere with his broken heart. I wasn’t going to be the girl that came along and tried to sweep him off his feet when he was still in pain.

I moved away. I had forgotten about him. I had forgotten about his smile, laughter, and personality.

I found him again.

For some reason those emotions seem stronger. We haven’t spoken since. But I added him as a friend on the internet site I found him. I know this may seem like a lot to say for a person that I have no clue as to if he felt anything for me.

We were just friends. Thats all! Nothing more. But if he would have said something I probably would have stayed. Just for him. But things change.

I found he had a website. And I checked it out. I had forgotten what an awesome guy he is! Even better than before!

He’s dating her again. I see how well matched he and her are. I could never come between them two. He seems so happy. I’m happy for him.

I just wish I didn’t feel this way for him. But my faith is not where his faith is. His faith has gotten so strong in the the last nine months. While mine has slowly been getting weaker.

I can’t be the woman he would want me to be. So I’m writing because I wanted to write.

I miss him. But he’s better off.

Sharing the love...

Ok I just got a tiny bit mad. Reading some articles online. People slandering other people because of faith and then no faith. Telling one another that sin is sin and that people need to repent. Saying that sinners need to realize this and put things aside.

But what sinner wants to hear that they are wrong? What sinner wants to listen to someone else who does not see their flaws? That this sinners sin is constitutionally stronger and worse then the saint? No one!

I think the church needs to re-evaluate how to approach this.

People already know what “the church” deems to be wrong and right. I’m not saying if they are wrong or if they are right. But redemption should not be used as something to enlighten the “saint”.

Yes I understand rejoice in knowing that people see the wrong doings and turn away from these wrong doings. But what do you call a sin? Where do you draw lines as to whose sin is greater? Or lesser?

I understand that there are many passionate people that will quote scripture on who is right and who is wrong. They will keep shooting them at me until I fall down and surrender to what they believe.

But I am me.

I have the right to my opinions and I don’t think that people should only see people as sinner or saint.

We are all people taking each day by day. Taking decision by decision. Why we choose certain paths is our own choice. Judgement is not ours to take in our own hands. It is meant for one ultimate being. He is the only one that can forgive and allow us to be resolved in the choice.

What I’m trying to say is that no one man is without sin. Why look down upon others believing that there is no fault in yourself? Why pretend that your life is holier than the person next to you?

We are all imperfect beings. We make mistakes everyday. Whether its the way we look at people, the way we talk to people, or the way we ignore people. Simple things like that may seem insignificant but they are sins alike.

Judgement should not be in any ones hand.

And if you must come down on someone because of their sin, come to them with concern. If your need is to truly help a “sinner” it should not be to scold them of the gruesomeness that you see in them. Ask yourself would they be willing to come to you if you slapped them on the wrist when you don’t even know the person? Or would they understand you more if you come at them with compassion and love and understanding?

Please do not get me wrong and say that you understand them and should want to see their sin as something acceptable. To be honest I have no clue which sin in your mind is stronger or severe than the others. By understanding I say come with an open heart to listen. To hear them out and find out why they are where they are. What has brought them to the point of sinning. Why they feel the need to be in the “sin”.

Why am I writing this?

I have many friends that have gone through a lot in their short lived lives. Some have gone through these things because of need, because its what they know, and because they can’t fight anymore.

As a christian many thank me for not judging them. For not passing my prejudice upon them. Yet how am I to say what they have done is wrong. I have no say in whether their heart did it because of malice. There is only one person who knows. All we can do is listen, to try and be there for them in whatever it is that they need.

Do you remember where you where when you felt your lowest? Try to see others in that light. You didn’t want to be told how wrong you were. All you wanted was someone to be there and to listen. We are all connected. In one way or another. Why should we reprimand our brothers and sisters when they already know in some way or another that what they have done is wrong.

I get it. Unconditionally love is hard to show. But if we show some kindness and a bit of love we can change the strongest of hearts. All we can do is wait it out and give some encouragement. Let them evaluate the severity of the sin and when they are ready we can help them out.

Love does not equal scolding. Love is love. Share some more.

Home

They say that an ocean and sand can wear down the best of shorelines. The water can come in and sand down the most roughest edges. That’s exactly what the beach has done to me and my sister.

A couple of nights ago, on a beautiful clear sky night, we decided to go in our pajamas, to the beach. We didn’t go with any expectations. Just us, the beach and the moon. We stayed on the beach for approximately two and a half hours. The most powerful two and a half hours of my life.

Its easy for me to hide everything from the world. I do not know who I can trust with the most intimate parts of my soul. How people will take me, if crazy or sane. So I don’t divulge my inner worries or inner thoughts but on paper. Its easy for me to be a surface person with everyone. Not allowing anything more than a simple where I want my life to go or where it should go.

So this past Friday, early in the morning, we purged everything we had inside us. We trusted each other to not judge one another and gave ourselves to each other. I don’t think we’ve cried so much together. Some secrets that seem simple to others that are tightly hidden in the crevasses of our heart, some secrets that are so large that have us hidden under them, some secrets that make us feel nothing and everything. That’s what we decided to let go.

We released them to the wind and to ourselves. Her concerns, my concerns, her pain, my pain… Our pain and love of understanding. It hurt me that she didn’t trust me with her inner most worries. It hurt me that we couldn’t be like that with each other. Why should sisters not be able to be close and best friends.

It should be a mutual love between sisters. NO MATTER WHAT IT IS! Our secrets made our relationship so tender, so delicate, and so strong. I have never felt this freeing... to say what it is that holds me back from life. Its so freeing knowing everything that held her back from me. At first I had no understanding of how I should feel.

Should I feel scared that she will betray me? Should I be terrified of the secret she divulged to me? Should I feel nothing and not show my emotions on the questions that are bubbling inside me to ask her? Or should I break down and cry and keep crying to release all this worry?

At this moment I want to cry of sheer joy! Of sheer happiness! And the sorrow that we didn’t allow ourselves to trust each other with things!

I love her! I love my sister whole heartedly! She is my twin! She is my dearest and most darling of all my sisters! She released something within me that I didn’t know was possible. True happiness. Of allowing to trust someone else to carry a burden with them. To share the fears and worries that we are both feeling on the inside.

You never know what any one person is truly feeling. What they are hiding in the twinkle of their eye. But people are a funny thing. They can surprise you.

Because she and I decided to not judge each other there was no fear of what was said. Also who are we to judge. Your sin or fear or scares could be theirs. And maybe whatever it is that your hiding may be nothing compared to what the other person is hiding.

Its taken me two days to process all this. To find the real emotion that I was feeling. Its a process with me. I am not one to just give you an answer right away. But after the storm clouds have cleared and the dust has finally settled there’s clarity in life. It feels right. Thats all I can give you.

It feels like home. Something that I have never known. And now I can find some kind of peace, in myself, in my sister, in my home, and in my life.

Its funny. I thought freedom was found on your knees at the altar surrendering to God. Yet I finally feel free in myself. I’m not sure if its a false sense of freeing but it sure feels good...

The Tracks

I walked with the weight of the world on my shoulders
My tracks deeper then the deepest ocean
Carrying your problems
My problems
And what everyone else was holding back

As I kept walking my tracks weren’t as deep
But I didn’t notice
I kept walking
Until I found the surface
I wasn’t drowning anymore

Then nothing held me down
I realized the heavy load made me strong
Allowed to push my way up

With all my strength I released it all
Rolling down to the beach shore
Allowing the water to take it all with it
To disperse my pain and yours away

Nothing’s left
Just my tracks
Just where I used to walk

My Winter and Spring

How do I quiet the wounds
How do I remove the feelings that tremble at the mere thought of you
Its like the changing of seasons
One missing another running to have a glimpse of each other
Running into each others weather
Holding on just a little longer
To just to see its following season

My heart still waits for you
Waiting for the day your season runs into mine once again
Yet the seasons keep changing and there’s no you in sight

So I keep turning the pages in my book
Keep looking for you in my days

I see where you were on my tapestry
But I can’t seem to find you returning to me
I want to burn a hole where you used to be so that I could forget you
Or unravel it and add your part in later

I keep going
My hair keeps growing
And your not here to run your fingers through the new length

Am I even getting closer to you?
Am I even finding you in all this mess?
Am I already doom to relive the insignificant moments that you were in
To relive the pain of you disappearing on me

I crave for the time when I made you laugh
And when you burned into my eyes
But like the sun and the moon to meet once in years
Maybe thats how our love was supposed to be

To be and then to never be
I am your summer and fall
Will you ever be my winter and spring...

Empty Words (song)

I loved every moment

And so tender they were
Every memory so fragile
While you kissed me gingerly

I handed it in your hands
Fluttering softly, full of life
You took it and used it up
Now its lost and broken

And then they were just…
Empty words

No more will I live on empty words
No more will I need to believe that there’s
Only life in your arms
I will not follow you
Nor be apart of you
Because now these are my words
Full of life
Deep of emotion not like yours

Forgetting would be to easy
It is what I desired
But the pain and agony
What would I be if I didn’t feel

Your light was everything to me
It was my path
But I kept getting lost
You kept hiding it from me
I was lost and broken

And then they were just…
Empty words

No more will I live on empty words
No more will I need to believe that there’s
Only life in your arms
I will not follow you
Nor be apart of you
Because now these are my words
Full of life
Deep of emotion not like yours...

And why would you take it if you knew that it was all false and abuse
Finally I can move on although I have become undone
I don’t want to keep reliving these false hopes
So I will release you from your empty ropes

No more will I live on empty words
No more will I need to believe that there’s
only life in your arms
I will not follow you
Nor be apart of you
Because now these are my words
Full of life
Deep of emotion not like yours
Because your words are full of empty words 

There's no place like home...

Traveling seems to cleanse the spirit. It so many ways. I recently traveled to NY. My home land, my home, my true love. How I’ve missed it! It called me loud. I responded just as loud. I was able to reconnect with family that I haven’t seen in years and it felt so good. My soul was literally restored in some aspect. 

My family is so close and all this time and separation has really made a gap with my external and internal family. My mother, the decision maker, has been absent for the last five or six years and no one has decided to take over that position and be the main decision maker. So now the brothers and sisters (a.k.a. my aunts and uncles) have had a hard time trying to decide what to do with my grandparents.

Here’s the story. My grandmother approximately a month ago while shopping fell on the concrete and injured her knee badly. So badly that she was taken to the hospital to have immediate knee surgery to fix the accident. Because of this she had to stay in a nursing home until she was allowed to leave. Once she was able to leave my aunts and uncles needed to take time out of their schedule to take care of my grandmother. Each taking a week off to fully take good care of her. Yet my mother lives 12 hours away, not being able to take a week off from her time her to do so.

It so happens that a wedding my family had refused to go to because of limit seating made space for us so that we could all go to the wedding. So we were able to go to NY for the weekend. So my mother took the opportunity to kill two birds with one stone. Also, mind you I wanted to go but was nervous to go. I hadn’t been to NY in three years. I had changed and so had it.

My apprehension was rooted in the fact that my family was going to ask probing questions about my unfulfilled life. Am I dating anyone? Where am I working? What will I do with my life? Did I graduate from college? Questions I did not want to answer because I didn’t have an answer to. So I was fearful to visit. But it was so refreshing.

Not many people asked me those questions and if they did it didn't seem like the were being intrusive.  First I hung out with the bride to be and her sister. It was lovely to just be cousins. I don’t get to be that role too much anymore. Just to laugh reminisce and be family. The next day another cousin picked me up and we did the same. Just be family. Laugh, live, shop, and find happiness in the easy musings of life. We didn’t need much more than that! Later that night I was able to hang out with more cousins. It just felt so right. If felt like home. My heart couldn’t bear all the happiness. Then the next day I was able to go to my home church visit and go to the wedding we were had to go to.

It was amazing to be around family. To be around my cousins, aunts, uncles, second cousins (which hispanic families 2nd cousins always refer the older generation as aunts and uncles) and grandparents. I was in heaven. I didn’t notice how much I missed that island! I missed its changing weather, I missed its beautiful noises, smells, and streets. I missed it all!

I want to move back. Someday soon.

But back to my mother… in the end the family decided to allow her to go back home and they were going to take care of my grandmother themselves. We couldn’t afford to allow my mother to stay a week in NY and travel back on her own.

But yes I miss my home. There’s no other place like it!

Move Me

by Gina Catalino

Its something that you just cant find

Its something that you just wont hide
Its something that you tried to deny but
Its something that you just can’t give away

Your love is like a sour apple candy
Toss it aside and make it seem
Like my love for you is just a sweet tooth
Buried in the back of your mouth

Is it the way that you move me
Is it the way that you move me oh
Is it the way that you move me
Move me
Move me
Move me aside

Walking down the street 
We saw a pretty little thing
And baby boy she was cute 
I swear I saw your eyes swing
Tick tock on the clock 
On the wall says my time is running up with you

I wanna know if the looking is touching
Scared to find out
If kissing is something else
Or is it just what you know oo benz
And

Is it the way that you move me
Is it the way that you move me oh
Is it the way that you move me
Move me
Move me
Move me aside

And if I keep singing this song
Do you think that you could hold on
To me

And if I start to run outta time
I’ll reel ya like a fish on a line
To me oh
Or

Is it the way that you move me
Is it the way that you move me oh
Is it the way that you move me
Move me
Move me
Move me aside

Is it the way you move me
Is it the way you move me oh
Is it the way you that you move me
Move me
Move me
Aside

Paralyze

I found the one thing that will stop me from moving on
That will paralyze me from anything and anyone
It is you

You have stopped me in my tracks

You have looked through me
You made me stop and re-examine me
What a fresh of air you were

Bringing me such a different life
Bringing me such a different look on life
And now

How much do I wish I wasn’t paralyzed
How much I wish I could move on

To push on
To keep moving
But I’m stuck

I’m physically unable to move
Its as if you nailed my feet to the ground
And you have stunned me
My soul
My mind
My heart

I want to forget
I want to finish this chapter
I want to remove all this

How do I shed you
How do I become free of you
How do I move outside of you

How many times have I tried
Pulled at myself
Pushed

I’m bleeding from the constant motion
But no movement
These chains are heavy

They are starting to make welts on my skin
Cutting through it and getting to my soul

I don’t want to be disabled anymore
I am crippled by you
And powerless

Help remove some of these chains so I will be mobile again
Without you

Black Hole

The stars used to dance
They used to mimic our movements 

The stars would shoot into orbit to catch up with us
They would fill the night sky making it look like day
But these nights have been cold

The stars have stopped their dances
They have stopped trying to find us
They have realized how vulnerable our hearts can be
They’ve stopped searching for the pain of finding the truth

Where have those days gone
When I could finish your thoughts with a glance
Where have the moments gone
Slipped away like a passing gust of wind

Agonizing nights spent counting
Counting the minutes and seconds since you’ve been gone
Trying to erase anything that brings doubt
Anything that brings pain

Yet nothing seems to erase the loud emptiness that I feel
I have become a large gaping black hole

Slowly sucking in all of life
Along with it the myriad of stars that used to shine for us
That used to dance across the sky

I have finally burst
My light has gone out
Now I am in pieces
Orbiting in space with no direction

knowing

Hiding in the darkness
Not knowing if I live in reality or if this is a fantasy
Laying in the darkness as it over takes me


Is it truth or a lie
To control is its means
Should I follow it to where my heart is fully broken or in one piece


To be, to stand
To know where I really am
Not to hide in the darkness pretending


Its empty
But I’m never alone


To bring me out of this confusion
To stand outside these questions


I will keep pretending…


That there isn’t a thing that materializes in the darkness
That there isn’t a thing that makes this world spin


I will be a blank canvas
I will be clear of myself and all else


I will be free of it all
And I will be in chains
I will be a slave to the emptiness


I will evolve into a being with no identity
With no personality
The one that stands like a statue


The one that craves to be alive
To know the difference between light and dark

Breaking Bones

So this past week I had the worst thing happen... I got an infection in my jaw and it swell up!  My sister even said it looked like i was sitting there with air in my checks... and in actuality it was just the infection... I thought medication would make it go away but it just kept getting bigger.  


Then Friday morning I was struck with the worst fever.  It went up and down then up then down... it kept going on like that for hours.  My mother finally got up around 10am and was like i'm going to take a shower and come down then we are off the hospital... I was thinking no thank you! i rather not it will go away... but i'm glad she did take me... apparently i had an absest in my mouth that burst and went into infection mode... and so the tooth, the nerve and another tooth and nerve had to be pulled because it could have happened again if they both weren't removed... anyways they removed bone, they removed teeth, nerves, and some tissue... at one point i was worried because one dentist said to the other to be careful how he uses the drill because if he goes too far that's how jaws are broken... so i was pretty nervous then! but he didn't break my jaw... good thing! recovery would have taken MUCH longer!


so now i'm here recovering with meds that constantly make me sweat and loopy but its all for the greater good now right? oh wells... here's to a swift recovery!

Kina Grannis

So! Today I came across a video on YouTube and this person was looking for help on writing a song. She has the music down and doesn't have the words. Last week she asked for the first verse and got tons of responses and picked the one people voted for most. This is the one that won...

Verse 1 (written by Kate McGill)
As I lay here on the bed my heart it speaks
I let it beat its beat, you feel the love it leaks
And I can't describe just how much of it is for you and what you do
But if I could love just one it would be you

So she played it on a video and then asked for the chorus and a pre chorus... and I submitted it... Heres my part...

PreChorus:
No more seeking nor need for looking for more
Let us stay like this until there is no more you and me
Chorus:
Just us
The simpleness of us
You have given me life
You have shown me delight
Enjoying the simpleness of us
In the stillness I am happy
In the small moments content
My love

I think it sounds great... but its gotta be peoples votes that give it the win... well here's to crossing fingers and hoping the people like it... :)

And if you come across this before the deadline which i believe is a week from today here's the link to the page to vote...

http://www.youtube.com/user/kinagrannis

Go to the About section and in the search bar type my name... my user name on YouTube is Delicateroses... So go ahead and vote it up... not that you have to... but yea it would be appreciated...

BLAH BLAH and some more BLAH!

I look at other peoples photographs and wonder why wasn’t I showered that way… why didn’t I receive that kind of affection… 

I realize I let myself only receive the emotions I give off… the ones that say I’m ok… that I don’t need much in life to get through life… but I have all these emotions on love, life, sadness, sorrow, joy, happiness, anger, hate…. Yet I wont show them off because I’m afraid of the rejection of others.  I’m afraid it will be too much for some to take in…

My sister even came home LATE tonight… I was infuriated with her… I have not one person in this state to truly connect with but her… and I get it she has a life of her own and I can’t meddle with that.  I need to find my own people to connect with and rely on.  She has a boyfriend who she knows she will marry... so i can't really take up a lot of her time but I can’t seem to forget how pathetic I have been since moving to this state… nothing I mean nothing is going my way… I moved back so that things would be better but I cant believe how much I hate being here… 

I could call my other sister to hang with but then that would be something I would regret here soon.  Seeming as I hate her boyfriend the father of her beautiful boys that I adore oh so much.  But I keep my tongue most of the time when I am around him simply to make her happy but I choose not to be around him so that it wont happen often… anyways heres what I’m getting at…

My birthday just past… yay… I have now been living for 28 years and I can probably count on my hands the many birthdays that I actually liked.  My 16^th, the last one I had… my 22 I believe… and any before I was 7…so I share my birthday with my younger sister… and I feel so invisible… more invisible now… I was able to see pictures of her birthday here in south carolina and she was showered with gifts and such… me… not one gift but a beautiful quilt my mother made… and I know gifting doesn’t merely show that someone appreciates me… but I wished for something like that… anyway...

I feel like thats all that my life has given me… and showed me… how to become invisible… I hate the lime light… I don’t like attention showed to me… but sometimes I like to be papered… I didn’t tell too many people that it was my birthday… and for some random lucky chance I got to tennessee the day before some of my friends were going to six flags… so I got to to six flags for my birthday… but I didn’t say it was my birthday until the day was ending… nothing made it special… except that I drove myself to tennessee to be around friends… thats it… and...

The thing is, growing up, people would tell me “if you just let go God will do wonderful things in your life” so I became lazy thinking it was going to automatically happen to me.  That I didn’t have to work for it.  I hate it… when so many people see the potential in me and then realize there really wasn’t much of anything to begin with… 

Yea I know I’m being depressive… but I have no other outlet to say how much I’m feeling… whether if its happy or sad… well mostly sad… no one seems to want to hear and then sometimes I can’t express myself.  Ironic that I’m listening to somewhere over the rainbow by Eva Cassidy.  This woman died early and yet she was able to do whatever her hearts desire… and I’m still living and I haven’t done anything to say I have accomplishments… 

See I tell you I am so highly aware of how pathetic I am… I just want to be happy truly happy… and not billionaire happy which would be great but just simply happy.  Where I can be true when I tell people I am good.  I am good…

Maybe if I chant that to myself it will be...

Yesterday

Days sifting through my memories
Finding the last bits of you
Searching for any remnants that will keep me happy
Any thing that can move me along

With weary eyes
Onlookers wondering if I'm alive
Wondering if there is still a breath in me
Wondering when I will return to life

Laying flat on the ground
Face down
Smelling the defeat of me
Dwelling in the emptiness of life
Soaking the ugliness of this earth

When will I return to be another face in the crowd

There is nothing left
My lips are dry
My hair is disheveled
I am broken

How I long to hear your voice once more
To revive these empty bones
To bring life to my lips
So that a new day does not seem like yesterday

I Wanna Be

I wanna be
As innocent as a child
As meek as a mouse

I wanna run through fields of dandelions
I wanna soar over clouds like a dream

I wanna be

I wanna be
True to myself
Free for myself
Stripped bare of everything

I wanna be naked
Purer than the purest water
Cleaner the the cleanest air

I want to burn
Burn brighter
Brighter than the sun

I want to dance
To dance like there is no music that can follow me
I want to be

I need to be… More

Stages

As every flower fades and as all youth 

Departs, so life at every stage,
So every virtue, so our grasp of truth,
Blooms in its day and may not last forever.
Since life may summon us at every age
Be ready, heart, for parting, new endeavor,
Be ready bravely and without remorse
To find new light that old ties cannot give.
In all beginnings dwells a magic force
For guarding us and helping us to live.
Serenely let us move to distant places
And let no sentiments of home detain us.
The Cosmic Spirit seeks not to restrain us
But lifts us stage by stage to wider spaces.
If we accept a home of our own making,
Familiar habit makes for indolence.
We must prepare for parting and leave-taking
Or else remain the slaves of permanence.
Even the hour of our death may send
Us speeding on to fresh and newer spaces,
And life may summon us to newer races.
So be it, heart: bid farewell without end.

- Hermann Hesse

My little heart aches...

So this past week I've been in Tennessee.  I went on vaca to visit my friends and my sister and her husband.  MAN!!! I never knew how much I missed that city until I finally went back!

I missed the crappy streets, the crappy places, and the crappy old job I had.  When I walked into my old job everyone light up.  I was missed!  It felt so nice to be missed!  Managers and workers alike came around and talked to me and was wondering how I was doing.  Some even came up to me and said I should go put on some clothes and get to working! HA HA! On my vaca... no thank you!

But it was so nice to just talk with them.  That's all I did.  I just went to hang out.  I didn't need much more. That's who I am.  I just needed some quality time with my friends to catch up, listen on the gossip, and just be around them.  I didn't need to go out and have to be somewhere at all times, although thats how it seem my week went.  But I have missed that.

Here in South Carolina I have no base of friends.  I have to start all over and frankly thats hard for me.  It takes me time to warm up to people and to be apart of the group.  Also its really hard for me to trust people so I don't just jump into things right away.

I haven't had anyone to hang out with here.  Sure I have my sisters but sometimes its nice to be out with other people.  People that I don't see often.

I had many offers to go live with them in Tennessee or California even one to Virginia Beach (ahem t-la and jess).  But right now those offers are just gonna have to sit on the table simply because I have no job as of right now.  I quit my old job.  I couldn't keep putting myself on the line each day while not having communication at this place.

I have worked on and off at Cracker Barrel for the past seven years, and this last store took it out of me.  I started working there and the first two months were great.  I was doing my job like they wanted me to and working hard and doing as I was told.  But as the months went on the place seem to go down hill in a very fast pace.

First they implemented a new system as to how to cook the food and how the servers are supposed to deal with serving tables.  I get it.  Its a new system and people need to get used to it.  I gave them two months and after those two months I broke.  Besides everyone getting frustrated and getting at each others throat, this store was so understaffed it lead to people working more than 40 hours.  Now I get that people at times like to work extra hours but not when your little piece of paper says 60 hours and you have put in physically about 80 hours.

I felt that way.  I didn't work over 40 hours though.  See at the store I was working prior to this one it is not permitted to work over 40 hours.  Normally they will clock you out at about 39 hours and 59 minutes.  SERIOUSLY!  When one of the ladies told me she worked 62 hours I was taken aback simply because if I was working at the other store I would have been written up and been reprimanded for it.

Well after putting in my time I just couldn't do it anymore.  So I gave in my two weeks, the day after I put in my two weeks I spoke to the manager and the day after that the manager was replaced.  So anything I had spoken to him was null and void.  So I will null and void this place from my life.

So here I am, with no job, in a different state, with no real friends, looking for something to get me to a place of sanity.  I just hope I can start growing up now.  I feel like I'm 17 and I just turned 28...

Love Come

by Sarah McLachlan

Love come
Light up the shadows
Let the beauty of you enter in
For I have hungered for a tender touch
A long and lonely time
I've seen much more than I want to
So much anger
So much pain
A line is drawn and lives are torn appart
The wound's so hard to heal

Love has taken me in
Lifted my load
And in this empty space a wonder grows
A dream of some kind of peace I could hold up is true
Never knew anything about love before you

You call, I come running
I can sense the flood before it breaks
And I'd do anything to dry your tears
To let you know you're safe

Love has taken me in
Lifted my load
And in this empty space a wonder grows
And I dream of some kind of peace I can hold up is true
I never knew anything about love before you

Love come light up the shadows
Let the beauty of you enter in
For I have hungered for a tender touch




A long and lonely time.

Sunday Afternoon

by Rachael Yamagata


It's a choice to stay
It's a dream yeah and I wanna wake
You have blood on your hands and I'm feeling faint
And honey yeah, you can't decide

I'm a drug you don't wanna give up
Smoke your cigarette and make your love flow
You poured blood in my heart, I can't get enough
I'm drowning and you can't decide

It's not about geography or happenstance
You need to fly and take a chance
You don't need to soar to emptiness
And float on high and forever dance alone
You're scared 'cause I feel like home

I hear your voice and I knew right away
If you were here what your eyes would say
I have blood on my feet as I walk away
Rivers are red, it's starting to rain

I'm not gonna live for you or die for you
Won't do anything anymore for you
Because you leave me here on the other side
You leave me here on the other side

I won't live for you or die for you
Won't do anything anymore for you

I'm not gonna shed one more tear for you
Shed one more tear for you
I'm not gonna shed one more tear for you
At least not 'til Sunday afternoon, Sunday afternoon 

These Days

Can we talk… no… later… ok but I have something important to say…

I’ll see you later…  

Have you ever wondered who really listens?  Who really wants to hear?  And once you’ve said it… who really took it to heart…  I write because I can’t speak… I hold myself back in times when I wish I could just release…  how many times have I wanted to just scream.  Scream because that’s the only thing I could do to express the frustration, the anger, the sadness within.  So much of me is lifeless… so much of me is dying… and I can’t seem to add water to it to revive me…  its a withering flower that has decided to die… like a desert when it rains its like a basin where nothing is absorbed…  the basin seems to get bigger and bigger… I was somewhat happy and now I can’t seem to hold that smile… its like I live with a countdown to the end… nothing to refresh the page.  Nothing around to change the outcome…  

If people say things are they way they are then why can’t I be the same… why can’t I just allow myself to be me instead I pretend around people so that they accept me in their presence.  I don’t speak out of turn, I don’t try to interrupt, I don’t try to make a ripple in the water.  I try to be as still as the waters, as frozen as the lakes in the winter, and only moved if the wind decides to brush through my leaves…  as if I’m living my life floating from place to place.  Not really settling anywhere… not even in my own home.  I don’t feel like I belong anywhere.  There has never been a place where I can be.

Well there was only one time where I felt like the real me… when I danced.  When I felt the music and danced for Him… now where has my dance gone.  Instead it is a ritual that I do when I feel the music.  It’s as if its a choreograph movement instead a creative movement made to worship…  where have I gone.  Where have I fallen to.  When will I rise...

Untitled Love 3

The bar was rather large.  That night they had a band playing, so when they walked in it was rather loud.  But Danny saw his work mates in the corner already getting started.  But Layla went directly to the bar, waved her hand 3 and said “shots, tequilla!”  Quickly the bartender made her drinks she left her ID and her credit card at the bar and one after the other she drank them down.  After they were all done and gone she shook her head gave herself a few seconds to clear her mind asked for a long island iced tea and turned around and headed for the corner.  

“There you are.  Ok you remember the guys right?”  

“Yes, Brian, Mike, Larry, Michelle and sorry I don’t think we’ve met” said Layla.

“Oh no we haven’t I just started working at the office.  I’m Kimmy.”

“Well Kimmy, its nice to meet you.  Where did you come from?”

“I came from the other side of the country.”  Layla gave her such a confused looked.  As the alcohol started to really kick in and Kimmy says “California.”

“Right!  Of course” says Layla as she starts to laugh.  “When people say the other side of the country and I’m on the east coast I should assume its California.  Well I guess this stuff is starting to work” making notions to her drink she grabs it up and drinks some.  “Are you not drinking tonight?” she asks Kimmy.

“I am but I don’t need to start drinking to have a good time.”

“I don’t either but I rather enjoy how it loosens me up a bit.”

Looking away Kimmy says under her breath “a bit…” and sips on her coke.  “So Layla what do you do?”

“Well besides make Danny look good.”  Both laughing as they look over at Danny and Danny looking back.

“What’s going over here?”

“Nothing, I’m just telling Kimmy how I make you look good just by being on your arm.”

“Yes babykins you are my ultimate accessory.  I really don’t need much else to make me look good” and he leans over and kisses Layla on the cheek.

“Thanks hunny!  No but seriously I’m a manager at a restaurant.”

“Really which restaurant.  Maybe I can go in and eat there some day” says Kimmy.

“She works at Roaming Traveler.  Its on the other side of town near the water.  One of my favorite places to eat.  Actually that’s where I met her.  My food was cooked wrong and she came out to fix it and to be honest didn’t care to get it fixed after she came to the table.  All I wanted was her number.”

“Yea and I said ‘if there is anything else I can do here’s my card and I’ll put my cell number on the back.’” 

“Aww and he of course called you back, right?  Assuming because you two wouldn’t be standing here together.”

“Right!”  They said together.  Then Danny turned to Layla kissed her on her head and says “You know babe, even though KImmy’s new to the company she’s one of the best.  She was highly recommended when she got to us.”

Sipping on the last bits of her iced tea Layla asks “so what brings you here then.  From what I hear you must have been the good at the other company.”

“I needed a change from that life.  So I went across the country to find something more to life.”

“Something more” said Layla in a tone sounding as if there is more to life.  “What do you mean something more?”

“Well I felt like I couldn’t get more from the area I was living in, nor the relationship I was in.  And well I was offered this job which paid more and seemed more enticing so I said why not.  If this doesn’t turn out to be something better or something more then I will go back to the drawing board.  I don’t mind going back to page one and starting over.”

Layla was utterly confused now.  One, who ever wants to start back on page one and two, Layla believed that life is one path.  It will lead you to where you are supposed to go.  Meaning you don’t need to keep changing paths or moving and starting over.  She believed by working hard that was the best outcome.

“How many times have you had to start over?” asked Layla.

“Well I’ve been changing and moving on since probably fifteen.”

“Wow!  Fifteen.”  Layla looked at Kimmy and thought to herself.  She doesn’t look that old.  She must be one strong woman!  “Well here’s to starting on a fresh page!”

“Here, here!”

As soon as they finished talking the band started playing Jessie’s song.  Layla jumped up found Danny and dragged him to the dance floor.  And so the night started!