Me Post Numba tree!

hey lovies.... so technically summer's not over until what september 20th or something like that... you know the solstice and such but i want to give a recap of what has been going on...

no not of just recently more like a summer recap...

how can you recap something such as an eruption from the deepest and dormant volcano... well i'm going to try!

starting this past january i decided that something needed to change. in doing so i started to write a book. a book that i have yet to start up again.  i'm not ready for it.  maybe its not ready for me but i started it.  then i started "counseling"... it didn't go well!  i just wasn't growing from it and the reason was because he is a friend.  i don't think i could truly breakdown in front of him so it was hard to really listen to what he was trying to break into my soul...

he did say things that made me realize what a sh*t life i've led.  don't get me wrong... i have led a good life.  my parents basically gave me what i needed and what i wanted.  but he made me realize that i had no identity.  that i had become what everyone else wanted me to become.  they as in my family.  i did everything they told me to with of course my "wild" side trying to push through... i was an angry child.  i hated my father and resented my mother.  my father who sat every sunday, tuesday, thursday, and saturday playing his guitar at church looking at his daughters making sure they looked perfect during the church service.  and my mother who would let things slide but pretended that my father had the disciplined hand while she let him walk all over her. 

how was i gonna find real love in that.  a broken mind, a broken soul, a broken heart...  i still followed the rules because i was afraid of the Father above... the Father who allowed things, cruel things, to happen to a simple child.  as the simple child pretending nothing ever happened because no one seemed to noticed so she believed it was nothing.  was HE there when it happened, and how could HE allow it to persist... (please do not think i've stopped loving HIM i just finally released the anger i had towards HIM)

this summer has been one eye opener.  a time for firsts, a time for breaking down, a time for breaking through, for finally being angry at those who should receive my anger, and for allowing myself to shine in my truest form.

i'm still working on the truest form but its being worked on.  and i've decided to just finally accept things the way they are. the way they should be. the way they've always been.  this is me.  i am beautiful with every single dysfunction.  i shine with my brokenness.  i am happy finally in the simpleness of life.

i'm not wishing for things anymore.  i'm not dreaming for things to happen.  i used to live in my dreams and i don't anymore.  but i'm still dreaming.  dreaming for a greater hope in me, in you, and in us all!

i'm not wishing for life to thrust it self on me anymore.  its seeping, permeating, and i'm allowing it to just be. 

my life will not to hidden away in a nut... that nut doesn't exist anymore... for it was shattered... it was finally taken apart and peeled away... by one large heavy sledgehammer... :)

and you know never once was i frightened by it.  it was liberating.  it was refreshing!  such a wonderful wind blew my way...  and i was finally ready for it.  finally...

yes there are days where there is no progression in my life but trying not to fall back into the old self.  i can't do it anymore! i can't pretend that i'm okay with living the old life!  i was sad, i felt pathetic, and ugly!

but this is me... it is what it is!  with my physical defects and all!  i can alter them but even and when i do... they do not define my beauty from within!  they will not!  and though i'm still holding myself back they are for good reasons... i dont believe you are ready for what is hiding behind my brown eyes. behind my beautiful smile, or what is laying in my heart!

i finally have so much to say but will try to slowly show you what it is that i'm holding back.  it may not seem like a lot to many but it doesn't have to seem like something grandiose... because it does not matter what you think of me... it does not matter what negative things you need to say... you may want to break me down to nothing but i have something to tell you...

i've been broken down to the tiniest part of me... i've finally taken all my pieces that were scattered and placed them together and i am the strongest i have ever been... and only getting stronger... and you may be able to hit me and set me back... but it will only be to strengthen me...

so this has been my summer... this has been my "point of no return!"  

i'm wishing more for you... i'm wishing more for me... i'm dreaming of something that will finally break you... where you are more than an open book... where you are more than just simpleness...  and love is truly shinning down on us all!  let's try and be extraordinary!  

and if i don't know you, know this... you are more than loved!

~rosa

Old Post 2

February 2008

ALLOW ME TO BREATHE

I lay here 

I stand here 

I face you 

you face me… 

what do you have that I don’t… 

what can you give that I can’t give… 

I’m confounded by your complexities… 

I don’t understand 

are you here to help or are you here to stop… 

what do you want with me… 

what do you want me for… 

I have nothing to give… 

I’m speechless 

find someone less 

find someone more… 

I am nothing 

I’m at zero… 

how can I give if there’s nothing to give… 

you’ve broken me 
you’ve taken all that I am 
and expect me to give you more… 

its gone… 

its lost… 

its far away 

I can’t reach it 

I can’t attain it… 

I’m not who you think I am 

I’m not who you think I was… 

it wasn’t real 

it was all a facade to make you think I had substance… 

there was nothing there to begin with

there is an empty shell… 

easily and readily able to crack at your loud attacks 

at your harsh hits 

at your animosity… 

what am I 

an easy target 

what am I to you 

tell me 

allow me to understand… 

am I to pour into you… 

am I to make you strong so that you can run out on me… 

what… 

is it that easy to take life from me… 

do I so easily build up so that you can cut me from below and steal it… 

I’m done 

I’m finished 

I need the strength for myself 

I’m done with you running my life… 

your nothing 

your gone 

your done… 

I’m finished with you exasperating life from me… 

I’m done with you taking my strength… 

I wasn’t made to make you strong 

I wasn’t made for two people to survive on… 

I was made for one person and one person alone… 

I loved it 

I loved you… 

I survived off you 

I fed off your energy and I surrounded myself with you 

but can’t you see that I can’t support us anymore… 

I want to keep you 

I want to make you mine forever 

but your hurting me…. 

I’m not what I used to be 

I was me 

I was this 

now I’m you… 

I’ve become what everyone said I was becoming… 

I don’t want to live off you anymore… 

let me be 

allow me to be strong… 

you’re my addiction 

you’re my drug… 

but I’m slowly dying with you 

please let me breathe… 

I need to survive… 

not for you but for me… 

allow me to breathe…

**again... this wasn't even written for a person it was written for something i needed to shed myself of.**

The Imposter

Your back

I’m so happy

Back in my life

But somethings changed

Somethings not the same

Oh darling what’s changed

You say you still love me

You say all these wonderful things

But they don't sound the same

Even your eyes are different

They don’t look at me the same way

The don’t burn into me like they used to

Where is your eyes smile

Your kisses they lack something

They aren’t as warm as they used to be

My dear what has happened

How much have you changed

Even your walk is different

Its as if someone else is here

Its as if your not you

Did I bring home a stranger

Did I make love to a stranger

Did I hold with all my love someone that I’ve never known

Your not the same

Its not you who is in that heart anymore

Where do I go to find you

How do I get you back

You sit here and its not you

Your love is harsher

Your smile is plainer

Your love is weaker

Where is the return to sender box you came in

I don’t want you here if this is who you are

I don’t want you  if you give me half of you

Where is the other half I fell in love with

Where is the other half that adored me

Do you think I  haven’t noticed

Do you think that half of you is all I need

I don’t think I want you anymore

Not like this

Where do I go to find you again

To bring you back to me

Because I have an impostor in my home

I have an impostor pretending to be you

I need the real you

I need all of you

I need you back

Dear stranger please find my loved one

I don’t think I can pretend to love you anymore

You are not my lover 

Bring them back

The Heaviness of Nothing

There are times when I think things have changed

When I feel the beauty of the transformation

Then there are days

Days when I can’t feel anything

When my body is as empty as a blank paper

When my mind has nothing to say

When my heart has stopped beating so fast

Everything around me is moving so fast

When I can’t seem to catch up to the world’s pace

I just want to shut out the world and regroup

But when I’m in my solitude

I hear the loud clarity of emptiness

My emotions are blank

I can’t find that motivation of life anymore

I can’t find the loveliness of beauty’s smile

Music doesn’t help

I feel the deep nothing

I am not happy

Nor am I sad

I feel nothing

Its as if someone took paint thinner to my canvas

And all the colors are sliding off and making one big color

One large murky black

My hands don’t even want to write

They are like heavy lead bricks

Hitting and striking the keys

I walk as if I am in a daze

Not knowing which way to go

This emptiness has confounded me

I’m confused as what this emptiness wants me to do

Where do I go with it

What can I do

I want to feel

I need to feel

I crave to feel

I Can't Feel Anymore

**Please don't think that I am in an abusive relationship... or that I am depressed... but I felt dark and I wanted to write dark... This is not as dark as I can get but this was just me feeling something dark. I don't know how well this will be taken but I honestly don't care! It's me and what my mind and heart was feeling. Take it or leave it is my motto! Enjoy and if not then I'm ok with that too!**



Push me
Hit me
Bring me down
Abuse me

That is what you are good at
That is what you seem to excel at
Giving me pain
Bring me to a new level on the floor

How does it make you feel when I am back there
How does it make you feel when you see me bleeding on the ground

Do you feel hatred because I’m not strong enough
Do you see love because you want to heal me again
Or do you feel nothing
Do you not see my pain

Grab my hand and drag me
Pull me all around the house
Use me as a rag doll
My heart is as tattered as my clothing

Ripped to shreds and barely keeping it together
I don’t know how to get out of this never ending cycle of pain

You keep pulling me back into you
With your words that pierce me
Maybe I’m not good enough for anyone else

Will they love me with your bruises
Will they take me with your cuts
Will they love me with your marks all over me

I feel as insignificant as dust
Small and tiny
Just taking up space
You diminish me to nothing

I’m barely surviving
I’m barely holding on
Only living in my misery
Thats all I know

That is how you make me feel
Am I waiting on something to change in vain

Are you really the best I can get
I’m starting to believe everything you are saying
I’m starting to take it all in
I’m become that what you said I am

Something pathetic
Something ruined
Something tainted
Something broken

Maybe I do like it when you use me as a punching bag
Then I remember I am still alive
That I am still breathing
When I see the blood I can I remember that I haven’t died yet
That my heart is still fighting for me

But I don’t want to fight anymore
I don’t care to
I’m just waiting on the day when you finally end it
Then see that I was something more than a punching bag

But when that day comes
I’m not sure you will shed a tear for me
That you will even care
Is that what my life has come to
Have I become just another statistic

And finally
I have lost myself
Lost myself to the pain
I don’t feel anymore
I have become numb

I can’t feel your hits
I can’t feel your punches
I can’t feel you

A Woman's Work by Maxwell

**I honestly can't stop listening to this song. It speaks volume to me. And it keeps speaking!**

Pray God You Can Cope
I'll Stand Outside
This Woman's Work
This Woman's Worth
Ooh, It's Hard On A Man
Now His Part Is Over
Now Starts The Craft... Of The Father

[Bridge]
I Know You've Got A Litte Life In You Yet
I Know You've Got A Lot Of Strength Left
I Know You've Got A Little Life In You Yet
I Know You've Got A Lot Of Strength Left

[Course]
I Should Be Crying But I Just Can't Let It Show,
I Should Hoping But I Can't Thinking,
All The Things We Should've Said That I Never Said,
All The Things We Should Have Done That We Never Did,
All The Things We Should've Given But I Didn't,
Oh Darling Make It Go,
Make It Go Away...

Give Me These Moments,
Give Them Back To Me,
Give Me A Little Kiss,
Give Me Your...


(I Know You've Got A Little Life In You Yet)
Give Me Your Hand Baby,
(I Know You've Got A Lot Of Strength Left)
Give Me Your Pretty Hand,
(I Know You've Got A Little Life In You Yet)
Ooh My,
(I Know You've Got Alot Of Strength Left)
Your Love Child,
(I Know You've Got A Little Life In You Yet)
Whatever You Need,
(I Know You've Got A Lot Of Strength Left)
Give Me Your Hand,
(I Know You've Got A Little Life In You Yet)
Give Me Your Hand Babe
(I Know You've Got A Lot Of Strength Left)


I Should Be Crying But I Just Can't Let It Show Baby,
I Should Hoping But I Can't Thinking,
Of All The Things We Should've Said That We Never Said,
All The Things We Should Have Done That We Never Did,
All The Things That You Wanted From Me,
All The Things That You Needed From Me,
All The Things We Should Have Given But I Didn't,
Oh Darling Make It Go Away Now,
Just Make It Go Away..

A Group of Change

To tell you that I am not changed is a lie
To tell you that I don’t I feel loved is also a lie
To tell you that I don’t fell the beauty this world has given me is another lie

I may not live in greatness
I may not seem more than beautiful
But I feel it
I feel it in the depths of me

I feel the worlds cries
I feel its sorrow
It wants to be different
It wants to change

And yet it doesn’t allow itself to change
It doesn’t know how to

It doesn’t have to be in a large bang
It can be in the simpleness
In the simple lines of kindness
In the simple smiles of acceptance
In the simple eyes of the mighty silent strength

We humans do not understand what it is to be fully accepted
We go and are judged by anything and everything
It could be our names
Our appearance
Our lessons learned
Or our outward look at life

How can we be a better world if we do not allow our differences to flourish
How can we call ourselves the melting pot if we don’t allow ourselves to melt into one another
Why do we have ourselves cheer at the different races being put in higher positions
I do not see a reason to be cheerful in those differences

We are all of one blood
We are all of one heartbeat

The only differences between us is our anger
The way we love
The way we judge
And the way we accept one another

Each level of these can create such animosity
Such chaos
Why try to just accept

I do not mean that we must like or love everything
By accepting I mean to take peoples heartache, sorrow, anger, pain, and allow them to be
Allow them to live in it if they want to

We must take a person in every way
I will not change you to become another me
I will not force you to change if you do not want it
We are different for so many reasons

To bring out greatness in the simple things
And to bring them out in large amounts

How can we say I am open if we close our minds to others sorrows
When we close our hearts to others anger
When we choose to look the other way at peoples dysfunctions

You can not tell me that you are not dysfunctional
We are all lacking in some way
We are fallible
We are breakable
We are fragile

But if we stand side by side
If we hold on to each others hands
And if we hold each other
We are able to be stronger

We are able to move as one in one great direction
In a direction of true change
Not the false change they advertise
Nor the false change that one person thinks they can do alone

RUIN

There it is again
That sound
The sound of my phone ringing again
Its you
I know it

You keep calling me
Keep texting me
Keep having me on that short line

I haven’t replied in days
Can’t you get the picture
Do you not see that I’m trying to rid myself of you

And yet you persist
You keep calling me
Do you believe that this will work for the best

Anything that has to do with me ends in disaster
It will always end wrong
I’m tainted
I’m not that girl you need

I’m not strong enough for you
I’m not beautiful enough
I’ve seen the ones you’ve been with
They are so beautiful

How can I compare myself to them
Besides that I ruin anything good in my life
I ruin the good
And make them bad

I understand we all have our hang ups
But you don’t want this hang up
I have too much that I will not let you have
Too much that I can’t let you have

You think I’ve given you all of me
Believe me darling you really don’t know the half of it
You don’t know what truly hides behind these brown eyes

There is a silent dragon
Ready and willing to strike at the first that tries to break in
And you
You who has been so good to me

You who has seen the light in me
I can't have you
I’m not gonna let you have me

For I will ruin that too
I will ruin the beauty that we will create
Leave me be
I rather just be alone for the rest of my life

I’m happier alone
I’m healthier by myself
Yes I do believe it

My darkness is strong
It can keep you captive
You might lose yourself in it

I’ve been in the dark
And know how to manipulate it
But you...

You are meant for more
So please stop trying to win me back
For I will not let you get lost in my darkness
When I’ve been overtaken by it already

For One More Moment

Sitting by the window
That rain is falling again
Its as if the world cries with me
Feeling my agony

I have lost you forever
They come in and apologize
But I can’t hear them
You are on my mind

They keep talking but I just walk away
My darling you have left me too soon
I will never have you by my side anymore
My heart is shattered

I want to yell
Tell the world to bring you back
For just one day

If I could just hold you
Kiss you
Feel you

Love, if you could visit me in my dreams
Give me comfort that you are ok
That you are happy
Bring some happiness back to me

For I’m afraid the sun will never rise again
That I will feel the coldness of the dark night
This cruel world has taken you from me

My darling
I will never call you that anymore

Take this pain away world
Bring me the one thing that brought life into me
Bring me the one thing that I cherished

If only I could have you for just one moment
If only I could have gone with you too
How can I keep it together if you will never have you by my side ever again

Her Strength

**side note**

this song was inspired by two things... so you think you can dance season 5 episode 18 where two dancers danced to the song The Woman's Work by Maxwell and both the dance and the song broke me! It broke me! I had to write this! For those who have lost a loved one to a disease...

**Enjoy**


You stand
How beautiful
I see all the bruises
Your cuts
Your scars

Why and how do you still stand

With each step life seems to fade from you
But your strength
Oh your strength
Its so beautiful

I can’t help myself
Its so radiant

All this love
All this beauty

Your life is almost gone
But you will not stop
You keep going

You keep moving forward

Yet that light is almost gone
Your smile never fading
It all gets bigger and bigger

I don’t want to show you my tears of pain
Of knowing how much I will miss you
Thinking of the many nights that you wont be there

I don’t want you to see them
I want to be strong for you too
I want to give you everything I can
While you are still here

I cant walk beside you
I can’t
I don’t think I can stand as tall as you
I don’t think I will be able to not show you my tears

Please don’t take her from me
Please don’t

I need her
I need her
I need her

I don’t think I will survive without her strength
I can’t tell my heart
Even though you wont be here much longer
I want to pretend that you will still be here

And now you can barely open your eyes

Yet your strength
Its so beautiful
Its too much
Please don’t
Please open your eyes
Please stay with me
Please

I beg you stay with me
Don’t take her
Stay
Stay



Her hands are so cold
Her breath is gone

She has gone

She’s gone away
Her light is finally gone
But her strength still remains

I will walk tall for her
I will keep moving forward with whatever strength she has left me with

Reckless Love

I try forgetting you
I try releasing you
I try to remove myself far from you

But...

You have to come waltzing back into my life
You bat your eyes and I’m back in your grasp
Its as if you pull me towards you
Just like you want me
In your trance

I just want to break free
I want to let you go
I want to run in the other direction
But I can’t let you go

I can’t allow this to fall by the way side
I’m not sure if it will go somewhere
I’m not sure if you can be more than simplicity

We talk and you seem to know exactly what to say
Exactly what to do to keep me mesmerized
Its as if you need me
Do you really need me
Do you honestly feel like I am more
Because everyday I see you as more

Everyday you are on my mind
I can’t release you from the the confines of it

But the lack of you
Your absence
It pains me
It makes me wonder if you mean the things you say
If your feelings are real
Or if they are in the moment

How can I make you see me more than this
How do I find your heart
How do I keep it captive
Like you have mine

You are my reckless love

You come to me when you need me
Taking what I can give you
Then leaving me empty
And only coming back when you need me again

My love can’t you see this isn’t working for any of us
I’m running dry and you are still standing
Please be my support for once
Hold me instead of me holding you

Do you even care enough to be the one that holds me


This one's for Summer! Girl not sure if this was what you are feeling but I tried!

I hope you like it none the less!

Old Post 1

This was written February 2008. It's called: To Be Yours...

AHHHHHHH
I’M DYING
I’M LOST CAN’T YOU SEEE!!!!

I need life
I need support
You don’t ask

I’m afraid to trust you
I’m afraid to allow you to see what I keep hidden
I’m afraid to let you see where I’m going

I want you
I need you
But you can’t see it…

Why don’t you ask
Why don’t you see that I’m dying to tell you
My anger
My love
My anguish…

You never ask
You never give me what I need…
I’m always here for you
I’m always asking you how you are…

You feed off what I can do…
All I do is listen
I take it all in and never release it…

I am your fortress
Why can’t you be mine…
Why can’t I have you as my fortress…

I need you
I love you
But you don’t see it…

Come to me to release your worries
Come to me to release your problems…
I understand you can’t read minds but can you read faces…

I come to you with my face in anguish and yet
You still don’t understand
You don’t know what I go through because you don’t ask…

Then when you come to me to ask I can’t because I don’t trust you…
How am I to trust you when you’ve only asked once…
Do you expect me to open for you that one time…
Do you expect me to just be like you whenever you come into to my world…

I don’t know how to be like you
I’m not you…
I am me…
I deal with things in my own way…

Ok I don’t know how to express myself the way you do
But if you would work with me
If you would just push me a little…
I might give you my world…

I love you do you know that…
NO I don’t want to hear about your girls
No I don’t want to hear about the loves gained and the loves lost…

I’m one your about to lose…
I’m here to give you want you need
Now please give me what I need…

I need you to love me…
I need you to fight for me
I need you to wedge yourself in the cracks of my walls…
Yes they are high and yes they are barred
But I know you can make it through…

Listen to me….
You will lose me if you don’t listen to me…
Find a way in
And I will be yours…

How She Shines

At last she is...
Stepping out
Standing out
Fulfilling her dreams

Oh sunshine how you call her name
Oh wind how you sway her towards you
How the light of the moon lights her path
Never to be dark ever again

See her walk
See her smile
See her move

No more will she be deteriorating

To feel
To find life in everything once more
To be able to stand tall even when she is back on the ground
To be able to get back up with out a mark

Just a bruise of a lesson learned

If you could have seen her then
If you could have seen her broken
Shattered
Lost

Standing alone in the cold
As rain filled her soul
Drowning her from herself
And now

Her bags are packed
Climbing her mountains
Fighting her way through more than adversity

Carrying her smile to her new life

Oh sky you are as clear as her life
You are as beautiful as her bright new dawn
Take her as your new sun
For she shines brighter than the one you hold

How Long Will You Have Me Wait

I will wait
Wait for you
You have left my side
And gone away

Far away
They say love can wait
And I have decided to do so
But will you wait for me
Will you keep your heart and hold it for me

I am ready for you
Ready for your love
I have been waiting for it for such a long time
I can see you are ready for it too
That we have been holding out for one another

I want to learn patience for you
I want to find how wonderful you and I can be
But I’m afraid you will not be waiting for me

That you will move on before we flourish into something

All those nights when you and I spoke
When you gave me your heart and I gave you mine
Did they not mean anything to you
Because I am here
Still waiting for you

Nights seem cold without you
I miss your warmth
I miss your eyes
I miss your presence

I await your calls
Now that you are gone
Will you speak to me more
Or will you slowly forget me
I’m not sure if I want to wait

Wait on something that will have no fruits in the end
On something that is foolish to wait on
If there is nothing here
Please tell me
Because I don’t want to wait on something that will never be

Maybe I’m thinking about this too much
But this is who I am
This is who I will be

If this seems like too much for you
Understand that you mean so much to me
That I want you so much
But you make me feel like a silly girl

I have no barriers with you
How can I not feel this way when I think of you

Please tell me
Tell me what your feelings are
What your intentions are
I need to know

I’m not sure if I want to wait for you
I’m not sure how long it will be until I am over you
Because I’m already falling for you



ok so this was written for one of you Larsens! yes i felt like i had to write this one for you... not gonna say which one but... you know who you are!

i hope you like it! not sure if this is how you are feeling but what i got from what you told me is what i wrote! you can take it and post it anywhere as long as you write that it was written by me...

ok loves enjoy another one of my writings!

Me Post once again...

so... life... what has been going on...

nothing...

nothing new to report... BUT... i'm thinking of taking time off from school... i'm not ready for it... i don't think i was ever ready! but i did get great grades on my summer classes! yet i need a bigger break from school!

i'm not feeling anything right now... like no emotions... i've been trying to write but i got nothing! seriously i tried writing three times today and they were all crap!

but maybe tomorrow i will have some motivation!

oh yes... i am thinking of posting old writtings... when i say old like over a year and a half ago... when i post them i will write the date of how long ago they were... some make me laugh because of how i felt and how half the stuff are not even written about people they were written about my sins and my devises... but they all sound like i'm talking about specific people...

oh wells i guess that they sound good... not sure... we will see...

please remember these are over a year and a half old so none of them could be of any experiences that have happened lately...

not sure when i will start posting them but here soon... ok folks... leave some feedback!

To an extraordinary friend

We haven’t talked in days
Yes I miss you
You have been so dear to my heart
You have given me such hope for life

Pulled me out of the worst place possible
And yet you stood by as I rebuilt myself
I have never found someone that can give me such enlightenment
My dear you are incredible

Do you know that you were created for more than mediocracy
You show it in the energy you have put into me
Giving me more than you should have
Blessing me with so much of you

Oh my dear you are truly extraordinary
You have shed so much of your love on me
We have divulged information that most wouldn’t dream of sharing with another
But it was undoubtably the easiest thing that I have ever done

To break down in front of you
To release with you by my side
To cry my soul to you
To allow myself to love

You have been the best friend a person could ever have
You have given me hope that people do care
That people are willing to give if you give a little too
I’m ready now

Ready to conquer the fears that I used to have
Conquer the emotional barriers I never crossed
To fight my battles alone
To withstand the cold wind of rejection

Simply because you are my friend
Thank you friend for your strong words
Kind love
Willing heart

Thank you for your friendship
Where would I be if our paths never crossed

No Longer

Its too late
You have finally noticed your emotions
You finally know how you feel about me
I’ve crossed over and I’m not there anymore

I can’t love you anymore
I can’t give you pleasure
I can’t spend my kisses on you
Nor my tears

They don’t belong to you anymore
I loved you
Wanted you
Needed you

And yet you didn’t see the value in me
You didn’t put too much thought when thinking of me
Now that I’m walking away
You finally see how much I meant to you

Its too late
I will not be taken by you anymore
My life has been miserable
I thought you could have been the one that I gave my love to
The one that could have given me such happiness

But you didn't want to be the one
You didn’t care to be my someone
How many times have you let me down
And you think that your guilt will keep me here for a little longer

No you will not bring me back to you
I will not rest in your arms again
I don’t want to stand here another day knowing that I’m convenience
Are you upset because I will not shed a tear for you

How many tears have I shed
Laying awake wishing you were by my side
Hoping that you would return my love
Thinking that you really loved me

I know that I will find someone that will cherish me
That will adore me like I adored you
Giving me the affection that you are wishing you gave me
I will no longer wish and hope with them

And you will forever see that I could have been more
That I was what you needed
But you will never know because I will not stay for you to find out
I will not have you hold on to me when my perfect someone is out there

You were my someone
I thought you were the perfect someone
And I am glad I’m seeing the truth of who you are
Of what you are

I will not give you a kiss
I will not give you a hug
I will not even say goodbye
I will not give you the satisfaction of closure

So that you will know the pain that you inflicted on me when we were together
I want you to hurt
And if you don’t
Then lets take these memories and burn them

For I don’t want to think about you any longer

My Deciding Factor

How do you tell someone that has been so wonderful to your life that you need them more than you have ever needed someone

That you don’t go a day without thinking of them
That when you wake they are the first thing you think of
When you fall asleep you have them on your mind
And when you dream they are there too

How do you make them want you like you want them
How do you make them see you as more than just a friend
How much more time can you give them

And then
How do you make yourself stop thinking of them so much
When you know its wrong
When you know it will never work
When you know they wont love you like you love them

How do you break free of their magic
Of the hold they have on your heart and life

What do you do
Do you hold on and create more heartache
Or do you let them go and let the healing process begin

What if I want the heartache
What if I want to fight for this
Even if I know it will never work

I don’t know what to do

So here’s my deciding factor

Do they think of you as much as you do
Do they believe this can go anywhere
Do they see you as more than just a friend
Would they really want to be apart of your life like you do

If every answer is no

Let the healing begin...



P.S. So I made a video of this... before i edited this writing BUT it is done! Please go watch! Here's the link...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6SGdXQQvdiI

Tell me what do you think!

To Pretend

Again I’m missing your shadow
I’m missing your echoes
I’m missing your breathe

Where have you gone
Where have you left to
Where did you disappear to

I pretend that you are still here
I place the pillows in your form
I lay my back up against them and pretend

I can’t remember the color of your eyes
I can’t remember how your hair feels in my fingers
I can’t remember the pitch of your voice

Does that mean that I have gotten over you
Or that I’m a fool for thinking you will come back
I miss your kisses

I bet you’ve already given them to someone else
I bet I’m not on your mind anymore
Not even a memory

I lay in bed wishing that one day I can feel your warmth
Wishing that it will be your voice I wake up to
Wishing that you still loved me

My heart it doesn’t yearn for you as much
Slowly it is weaning itself from wanting you
Slowly I’m missing you less and less

No need for goodbyes
I guess we both weren’t good for them
But since you haven’t said goodbye
I will keep pretending until you do

© Rosa Garcia 2009

How Cold The Wind

As the days go by
The wind slowly blows through
How cold it is
I feel like an empty home

My windows broken in
My doors hanging off its hinges
The light fixtures torn from the walls
When the wind blows
I feel the house shake
Swaying so hard
Feeling like it will fall

Just an empty shell of what was

Memories recalling its beauty
Filled with laughter
Filled with joy
Filled with happiness
And now
It is empty
Unwanted
Dilapidated

As the wind blows you hear the creaking sorrow
The banging pain
The hollow heartache

What was once loved now forever deteriorating
Nothing to protect it
Nothing to keep it standing
Nothing but the base and the beams

And yet the wind still blows
Pushing it and pulling it
And yet it still stands
Still holding on to its strength

My dear lover
You have taken the good things in me
And left what you didn’t want
You say I am stronger
That I’m becoming stronger
And yet that wind is not allowing me

© Rosa Garcia 2009

Living Your Lie

Smoke
Clouding my better judgement
Covering my eyes
Making my eyes water

I am blinded
Only focusing on what it is that is bothering me for the moment
Not focusing on the betrayal you are creating

On the heartache that will ensue later
I came to you
I needed your help
But you blinded me with your lies
And all the steam coming of your mouth

I don’t know what to believe
I don’t know if you are real anymore
You have everyone playing along
You are truly pulling the strings on everyone around you

But I refuse to let this smoke keep me from finding your truth
Do you want me hidden in the smoke
Do you want me not to tell everyone about your truth
Because my truth is for everyone

I will not live a lie for you
I was living one and I can’t live a lie anymore
I will not keep getting lost in your lie

You who can wield the knife so well
The knife you call your tongue

How your witty remarks can make anyone small
Can make anyone feel like they are insignificant
Is it because you once felt insignificant
And that you will not allow yourself to be miniscule anymore

Fess up because I can’t keep lying to people for you
I’m tired of giving into you

© Rosa Garcia 2009

I Dreamt

I dreamt of a place
Of lives where I was wanted
Of people who I wanted to love
And of them loving me

I dreamed that I was unattainable
That I was more than what the eye could see

I dreamt where my realities laid with closed eyes
I used to walk around with my eyes blinded from reality
Living in my one realm
Believing life would never be any better than my fantasies

I dreamed of lovers
I dreamed of heartaches
I dreamt of vulnerabilities
Off in the distance on a horizon that I would never meet

Then something broke within me
Someone from the wilderness
Outside my dreams
Outside my life
Came along

How unhappy was I
Living in dreams
In worlds that would never truly shape me
Sitting in a mold

I was finally pulled out

Scared to stand on my own
They held my hand
Everything seemed so new
Seemed different

Standing at the edge of my horizon
I held their hand tight and we jumped
Soaring, falling, fearful, and exhilarating
Living

I used to dream
Dream that life couldn’t get any better than my sadness
Dreaming that I would always live in my self pity
Dreaming that love only existed in my imagination

Finally there is no limit to my realities
No limit to my loves and lost
Walking while being exposed at every step
Never again to live in a mold
Never again to wish life on myself
To wish love in my life

No longer dreaming to be touched
To be held
To be caressed
I don’t need your hand any longer

© Rosa Garcia 2009

Clarity

Clarity
It only arrives when you have released it all
When you have given it all up
When nothing seems to hold you back

Reaching the ultimate stage of uplifting
You seem to forget yourself when you enveloped in someone else
When you have this being that wraps you up in their lies
In their false hope
In their false emotions

You get swept away by the feelings
Emotions that seem so real
Feeling like home
But after that feeling is gone
After there is nothing left
You are broken

You cant feel anything but hate, anger, pain, and resentment
Wishing it never happened
Hoping they were still there
Cursing the world

But once all these emotions have been felt
These emotions have allowed you to live
You find an enlightenment
You find yourself in a a higher state of being

Clarity

Nothing holding you back from feeling life again
You were reeling by the loss of love
And then finally wanting to free yourself of love
And just be clear
And conscious of everything

Of yourself
Being stronger because of a clear mind
Being happier because of a clear conscious state
Being loved even though there is no more love

Clarity
What wondrous things it brings you
Not holding on to the blindness where life keeps hurting you

© Rosa Garcia 2009

Extraordinary

Life... You start out with what you know
You start out learning
Making mistakes
Accepting life

You then take on what they want for you
Making them your own
Making them your realities
Thinking this is what life has for you

Just this

You live under a realm of what you know
Of what you think you need
Making complacency your friend
Taking life and its mediocracy

Years go by
Life passes you by
You find out one day
Was this what your life was truly meant for

Is this all that is left
What else is there
Why can’t life get interesting
Nothing seems enjoyable

So then why do you take it and become comfortable with it

Then one day you wake up
And realize this isn’t what you wanted for yourself
This isn’t what you were meant to give to the world
Then where else do you go

Where else can you go
How do you start all over
How do you give yourself more
To create a new you

Even your loved ones see that there is more to you than this
Then why hold yourself back
Why keep holding on to false hopes
Someone else’s dreams

Then you remember your dreams
Then you start to have your visions
You have an urge to break them free
To allow the world to take them too

You find the world has finally given you possibilities
That it isn’t about to let you lay there anymore
It tells you and screams at you and beckons you

BE MORE
CREATE MORE
LISTEN MORE
JUST DO YOU

Then finally life isn’t giving you mediocracy
It wants to make you extraordinary
Like you were meant to be

© Rosa Garcia 2009