Happiness

Happiness

What do we pay to finally achieve it

What do we have to pay

Do we pay in kisses

Do we pay with tenderness

Or do we pay with blood and tears

What do we have to do to get it

To hold it

To have it for just a moment

A moment so dear it breaks your heart

For an instant that seems like forever

For a lifetime that feels like a memory

Happiness

How do we search for it

How do you dive right in

How close to the fire

To the passion of life do you need to get to achieve it

And how much of you do you need to lose to play as if you’ve found it

Draining

The drought has come

And all that remains are the footprints you left behind

They haunt me and taunt me

Telling me that I should have walked with you

That I should have ran along side you

But would that really kept you here longer

Would that really made you stay until the drought was gone

This emptiness has dried me up more than the dry land

I am dying

And there is no rain in sight

No cup of water near to quench my thirst

Nothing to revive me

I am diminishing and I have nothing to alleviate it

How much more can life keep draining from me

How much longer until this broken heart is healed again...

Long Days

The days are long

Yet nights seem to go fast

Like a blink of an eye

Spending hours wishing when life will start

Then the moon rises and is soon gone

Having to start again.

Pushing in thoughts yearning for things to change

Never ending cycle of hate, love and wanting

Wondering how its gonna break

Holding on to the things that mean nothing 

And letting go the things that do matter

The Absence of You by Kim Richey

If you can say that you don't love me
If you can look me in the eye
and say that you don't love me
I could say goodbye
If you can tell me you won't miss me
And sound convincing when you say
You won't miss me
I could walk away.

Cause i don't have a point to prove
Or a stand to make
I'm just trying to find my way
And a face to wear
And a place to be
In the absence of your company.
Find More lyrics at www.sweetslyrics.com

If you're better off without me
If you truely do believe
that you are better off without me
Thats how you should be.

Cause I don't have a point to prove
Or a stand to make
I'm just trying to
Find my way
And a face to wear
And a place to be
In the absence of your company.

And I will write you off
Easy as that
If only it was
Easy as that...

To Dream The Impossible...

So I'm here... in South Carolina... and yet its as if my life as become more dull than it can ever become...  I'm stunted in all I can do because I have no job (yet), no car (it broke down on the way to south carolina.  The transmission went out in the middle of the highway in Georgia.), and I am bored out of my mind!  Don't get me wrong, I love being with my family and sister that live here BUT...  Yes there is a big butt that must intervene and its not mine... HA HA!

I left a state where everything was ok.  Everything was fine.  And now I'm completely still.  Nothing inspiring and I'm not inspiring anyone.  I don't know what to do.  Just sitting looking out the window and once again watching my life go by.

That's all I've been doing lately.  But how do I take hold of something I have no idea of what to do with.  I keep asking life what it is I need to be doing.  I keep asking life to give me passion, and if life is passing me by I have no clue as to how to manage it when I finally do grab it.  I have so many high hopes for myself, so many dreams, and yet they seem hopeless and impossible.  But to dream that impossible dream...

Isn't that what we are supposed to do?  But how do you devise a plan to start putting the dream into a working progress?  I keep waiting.  Waiting for it to come to me.  Waiting.  Because in the big book it says that those who wait will reap... right?

I sometimes do hate that I was raised a Christian, because then I wouldn't have been so sheltered, naive, so patient...  Growing up people would pray for me and tell me of the great things He is going to do in my life.  Prophesied over me mind you.  Yet I'm become weary of it.  Starting to think that maybe it will never happen.

When we, my parents and I, drove my car down to South Carolina and it broke down we had to pay a towing company to drive it 352 miles to our house.  It cost $2 a mile... needless to say we did not have that money liberally to give away.  We sat in our house while the tow men were outside wondering what in His name were we gonna do.  We had nothing!  Luckily my mother called her pastors and asked to borrow sed money and it was resolved.  But is there not a bank we can go to were we say "ok I've put in X amount of time praising and praying and singing.  I need to make a deposit please."

Sure this family has divided itself into many parts of this country but we somehow kept together.  How much longer do you keep praying until you are able to break that bank?  My faith started shaking that day.   I was angry at Him.  I was almost cursing Him.

He says He holds us in His hands and yet there are days, months, years, where we humans feel like we were on the other side of His hand.  The side that is never seen.

"Hey!  We're on the other side!  Did you forget about us?"

Do not get me wrong.  I get it.  He works in mysterious ways.  He comes on time not before nor after it.  But I'm getting tired of wondering how my life is being weaved and getting tired of waiting...

That's all I'm gonna post today.  Do I hate He who has created us?  No.  Has my faith dwindled to a thin low line?  Yes.

~Rosa

The last days then on to the new world...

Today I awoke to a bittersweet day...  It's my last full day here in cleveland.  A place I called home for the last eight years.  I haven't cried yet.  I'm not hoping to cry.  I'm hoping to look it in my rearview mirror and just remember the years I gave it.  I gave Cleveland my best years yet...  I've met best friends.  I've met people that I will love forever.  I met people that I can trust with all my heart.  Finally found a family group and now I must leave them.  I must release them.

I want to stay and live here longer but my time is up.  I didn't have money to go to school this year or for the next following ones... So I must man up move home and start paying back the government.  I have to become more.  I gave this place all I could and now I must give myself more.  I must go out release the hand I've been holding and embrace the new and different.  I'm excited and scared all at the same time.  Excited because its a new environment and I can start fresh.  Find new things to do, find new people to trust, and find a new me.  But I"m scared because its all new.  Somewhere where my labels do not define me, except for at home.  But outside I will be someone new, someone different.

Amazing how one year can change you, undress you, express you.  Their will be many lessons I learned from this small nothing place.  Lessons that will be mine to remember for all of my life.  I didn't want to tell to many people that I was escaping this town.  I hate goodbyes.  They are too final.  They say "I'm not sure when I will see you next..."  Sounds so depressing.  I rather disappear and be missed for the lack and absence, not cried over.

I've moved so much in the past 8 years.  Now I'm gonna be permanent.  It worries me to be still for such a long time.  The last few years has been me shedding myself everytime I move.  Pick up, throw away, move on, start over.  That has been the cycle.  All in the same town mind you.  And now I will be stagnant for the next few years.  I honestly have no clue as to what the future holds for me.  I thought so many different things and now all those things really mean nothing.  They were things I wanted.  What do I want now?  I just want to be happy knowing people around me are happy.  I want to be able to pay everything back that I have borrowed, owed, stole, and used.  That's what I what for right now.

So here goes to the memories.  To the laughter that never ceased when I found something incredibly funny.  To the cries for nights when I couldn't feel the morning.  To the days when life seem so bright.  To nights spent away dancing till morning.  To the never ending movie marathons.  To the many games that were played where I cheated everytime!  To the many nights looking up at the beautiful stars with friends on either side of me.  To the many times we sat in a circle and sang.  To the memories that made me, broke me, released me, and to those that I will hold forever dear to my heart.  I will love you and reminisce as much as I can.

Thank you Cleveland for giving the best few years of my life.  I will miss you.

Hey Charleston, South Carolina... You have no clue what a gem you are receiving.  Don't break my heart like Cleveland has.

~Rosa