Decemberists...

Hi my lovely ones!  I am recaping a little early... reason being I'm not sure when I will be able to recap if I will be able to get it in before the year ending.  So I would like to do it now...


How to sum up my year.  To say it was dull would be such a contradiction.  I have to say this is the first year I have lived.  Its as if I've laid dormant all my life and decided to finally live for myself!


Yet I have no clue as to where I am going with this.  I'm not the greatest writer but I believe I have some potential in giving the world my heart through writing.  Its my freedom, its my liberation, its my mark.  It is something that allows me to give an interpretation on how my heart is doing for the time being.


I never believed myself to be a good writer to begin with and by allowing myself to be happy with the world, with things, with me it has allowed me to unfold on to paper.


As some things in my life are getting better and growing others have started to become dissatisfying and instead of giving those things priorities (which I should never have) they have started to take second place to the things that truly matter.


I have become a stronger person.  I have become a person that people look up to.  That have respect for and truly enjoy being around with.  I love the person I'm finally becoming.  I have some say and pull in big decisions everywhere I go.  I am someone to be reckoned with.  I am a loyal friend, I am a trustworthy person.  I am through and through a true friend.  Unless you backstab me, then you will be blacklisted for the rest of your life!


I truly have no real wisdom to a year thats closing and to bring in a new year.  Here's what I will say...


Stop looking at the things that you wish were still happening.  Stop wishing for people to give you what you need.  Stop relying on the weak and realize that you are strong enough to do all these things for yourself.  Realize that if you have the strength to move your arms, breathe, walk, and think that you can do whatever it is that you are looking for.


And if occasionally you need that helping hand to bring you out of your darkness, bring you out of the ugly state you are in, or to help you feel something then reach out.  There is always someone there to give you a hand.  Someone there willing to be your lean-to for the time being... And if there isn't... Then I will be.  I may not have enough strength for both but I will have just enough to get us by!


For the new year all I have to say is...


Here I come!


~Rosa

My Lasting Words **song**

A word for you 

a word for me

This is my last prayer

As if you care

I have given up and given in

I wish this was the race to win

But alas I have found no finishing line

Its as if I’ve been trying to define

The you and me that never was

How much of you did you invest because

I’ve given it all

And now I can’t even stand tall

I see now I was your revolving door

I wish we could go back to before

Back to your last true kiss

But it was all amiss

Now I am stranded on the side of the road

And there’s nothing left to erode

I wish I didn’t leave it all in your hands

Wishing that I didn’t give in to your demands

Its all crashing falling apart

And this is what I want to impart

A lasting word to make me feel alright

For I don’t want to stop another and not give them an invite

There is no more light behind my eyes

For you have come and taken that prize

If only I saw through the disguise

Then when you said your goodbyes

I wouldn’t feel like it was a surprise

Or feel the darkness that had fallen in the skies

There is nothing left in this empty house

There’s nothing left in this broken heart

I’m trying and trying to find something left

But you oh you don’t want it

Don’t need it 

Are gone

How can I say its gonna be alright

How can I say its gonna stay the same

I surrender

I surrender

I can’t do it anymore

I can’t hold it back

I fully give it all to you

My heart is racing

My breath has started to quicken

My hands are sweating

And whenever you are near

My heart skips a beat

You have made me a believer

You have made me finally believe in something that I thought never existed

Something I thought was just for fools

Never believed that I could finally let someone into my heart

Let someone break in

Let someone hold it

My heart is so tender

So fragile

So weak

I was afraid of the outside infections

Outside diseases

Of any infections that could make it fall apart and break

But I can’t stop from giving it to you

I can’t seem to keep revealing myself to you

All of me

Every part of me

You hit at the strings of my heart

And it gladly dances with you

Gladly surrenders it all to you

It never felt so warm

Never felt so right

To Feel

I sit here wishing I could feel

Wishing that something could make me feel alive again

Feel that vibe again

Life is draining slowly from me

Life is at my feet and dragging

I wish I could be like the dandelion seed

Here one day and taken away the next

If only I could feel like it feels

Feel the world around it

Feel the ground below it

Feel the clouds above it

Yet Nothing deep within 

Nothing 

There is no emotion 

No fight

Its as if I’ve finally given in

Given up

I want to hear the haunting whispers of a summers breeze

I want to feel the cool kiss from the morning’s frost

To hear the crisp sound of leaves under my feet

I want to feel the ground under me

I want to feel the light shower of rain from up above

To feel the hold of a winter’s beauty

To feel the warmth of a new heart

Work...

so this week at work has been one of those weeks... it started out CRAPPY got better and ended up even worse! how does that happen? if it gets better isn't it supposed to keep getting better?

so this sunday it started out normal... I always expedite on sundays... so that means I will set up the plates and make sure the trays go out to the tables with everything on it.  I must say i'm pretty damn good at it!  I mean in that restaurant I would say I am number 1 (not to toot my own horn... but this is what everyone says) anywho sundays can be a hit or a miss.  either i stay because they need me or i go home because there is no business.  and lately its been real busy!

so i've been staying.  but it was RIDDICK!  i mean sometimes i get in there and nothing is ready for the dinner rush other days i'm ready to work and so is everyone else!  apparently they hadn't told me we were down servers.  BUT that did not excuse the lack of work that was going on this past sunday.

i don't know how many times I called for people to help me either by getting me something that I needed or by running a tray for me.  now of course every sunday i am always asking for people to help get something BUT this sunday was the straw that broke the camels back!  after a tray sat in the window for 20 minutes (and all it was, was eggs, bacon, and pancakes!) while some girl rolled her silverware to get out as soon as possible... not once did she approach the window to run it!!!!!  food service ALWAYS comes first!

pleasing our guests is the motto!  at the expense of the workers at the restaurant! but that did not excuse people or managers to not get in that window and help me out!  seriously! i could not take it!  so after 4 hours of that crap!  which mind you they had four goal hours meaning we sold a certain amount of food in one hour.  the goal is $1800.  and we made four.... so that means that labor means nothing.   they could keep people working until 1 am and still would have not been in the red.  so they could afford to keep me for another day on the clock and it wouldn't have hurt them.  so i stayed until 9 which normally i go home by 8 or even 7:30 on sundays but this sunday was never ending...

it just kept adding to the anger i had for everyone in that restaurant... SO when they said i could go home... i went straight to the managers office and gave him an ear full!  i couldn't take it no more!  then i wrote the general manager a note telling him to NOT place me to work on sundays!  NO MORE! but of course in better terms in nicer terms and to move to expedite on fridays!  i enjoy getting off early fridays so i can go out and get my dancing shoes on and dance the night away! seriously!  but no... they schedule me every friday night until past close so it stops me from being able to go out... yet i find ways around it.  this is why i need those fridays off early...

anyways... thursday comes around and i check my schedule... looky looky i've got hooky! and i'm off on sunday!  SAHWEET! right... the general manager speaks to me that day tells me i had a bad day on sunday and i said yes i did... i had a horrible time! and so i said thank you for not scheduling me on sunday.  but then he says... "but your still my SA on sundays"  (SA = Server's Assistant AKA expeditor)

WHAT THE EFF!!!!!

meaning i still work sundays!

ok so i'm screwed... so then today i get to work with the new manager... brock.... oh brock how i would love to kick you in the gooch!  (for those who do not know what this it is the skin between the male genitalia and his anus hole... sorry for the dirtyness but i really do have more of a potty mouth than this post allows me... :/ ) Not only do i feel like the general manager micro manages the servers already this new guy has to micro micro manage! seriously... seriously...

i know your new man but you need to trust that we are competent of working at a restaurant and that we have been working fine before you arrived at the restaurant!  its so bad that the night before thursday he eligibly counted every sugar caddy, counted every sugar packet to make sure that every one was set up perfectly...  then today in the middle of the dinning room in front of all guests he says "thank you rosa for putting down that check" (we have to place the receipt down after one minute of our customers food arriving to get them out quicker... because thats what matters... not an enjoyable atmosphere but quick service... we are not a fast food restaurant!) yet he couldn't wait until we were back in an area where there were no customers... he had to tell me then and there?!?!?!?!? OH and one of the new servers which still hasn't gotten his footing yet ( but come on he is still new) brock went up to him and told him that he is doing a crappy job... i mean SERIOUSLY!!!!  UGH!!!

I CAN'T ANYMORE!  so i've decided no more sundays and no more fridays! i will work all my hours on the other days of the week!  and pick up if needed on those days... so that is that!

i hate my job...

~Rosa

Standing Out

I stand here naked
Exposed to the whole world
Nothing to cover me
Standing open

You have ripped and pulled and tore me to pieces
You have given me a stencil
I was able to fill it and now I am more than it
I was able to follow your guidelines

Yet they weren’t for me
Instead of staying in that shape
I transformed into something more
Something different

I became malleable
You helped me
Stretched me
And shook me

I held on to you
Your excitement
Your love

I pushed myself
I doubted myself
I stepped out

Being more giving you more
I gave it all to you
Releasing every piece of me out so that you the world could have me too

But peeling all those layers has left me in pain
The hurt of ripping my skin
Of making me raw
Of becoming that diminished pile to rebuild on

All diminished by your love
All broken down because of your beautiful words
Your heart your warmth

I went through the pain knowing only good would come out
Only strength
And more love

My strength was found in you
My love was found in you
And now I have to stand with out you

Stand in the light
Stand outside your shadow
Stand on my own two feet

Slowly as our hands separate
As our fingers release the spaces between each others fingers
As my heart is chiseled from yours
I will release this love from us

I have loved you
And will always love you
But I can’t give you my love

You have been my stepping stone
Now I must find my foundation       

The Purity

One step

Out to the cold

Next step

Feeling the soft caress of the snow

Third step

Embraced by its beauty

Surrounded by the white

The purity

The essence of white

Turning and turning

Dancing to the sound of the wind through the trees

Feeling the the wind wanting to play

Feeling its playful smirk all around

Hands lifted in the air

Covered in the white flakes

The sexiness of its decent on my hair

On my skin

On my eye lashes

And on my cheeks

How it caresses me

As if if it is attracted to me

As if it loves me

Walking through it the chill of the cold breeze making me feel exhilarated

Knowing once I cuddle up to the fire

How much it loved me

Loved enough to fall

Loved enough to want to have one touch

Even if it were to melt away as soon as it were to hit

I will welcome you everyday

I will dance with you in the midnight hour

Just you and I

Just you and your purity
Until you melt away

Soaring

Their are reasons why we don’t open our hearts

Afraid to get hurt

Afraid to enjoy the love

Afraid that that path is true

Afraid that life will finally fall into place

But when you let go of that fear its such an exhilarating feeling

Its like standing on the precipice of the world 

Feeling the wind rushing through your hair

Your clothing

Your skin

Its as if the world is telling you to jump from it

And when you do 
You soar

You fly

You are one with it

You are finally what you need to be

Finally where you need to be

Those closed doors don’t seem to matter

Those bitter words are lost in the sound of the wind

Memories of the old are distorted in a new memory

Distorted in happiness and lost to the joy

Your heart seems to get bigger and bigger

Making it feel as if it cannot hold all the beauty of the new experiences

Then all at once love is truly shown

Unconditionally

From the every corner

And though you may start flying low

Start flying close to the ground from the negativity thrown at you

There is a path that is uncovered before you

A path to show you

That even through it

You will find that you are still on the right path

So let’s soar together

Let’s fly close

So we may be able to lift each other up 
Beyond the clouds

My Recent Recaps Making It All About Me...

Hi!

This will be the recap for the end of November.  I honestly and truly have nothing to recap on.  I've had ups and I've had my downs.  Mostly downs.  But right now not much is going on in my life.  Just trying to get my mind prepared for next semester.  I'm not sure if they will allow me back in but here's hoping I am here for a reason.

I'm gonna try one more time at this school thing.  I've tried for ages and I'm dying inside when I sit in those classes and let things slide.  I start with a bang and then it fizzles to the ground.  I get bored and then stop wanting to go.

My sister found a farm of gray hair on my head.  HA HA!  I sometimes wonder if she notices what is going on.  I sometimes wonder why she doesn't want to ask.  I sometimes wonder if she knows that things do worry me.  I don't just pretend they are not there.  I know I have so many things that I need to confront.  That I need to take care of.  Yet I've realized... yes I know more realizations.  That's how my WHOLE year has been.  But I realized that I'm not secure in who I am.  That I don't know where I stand with myself, my life, my anything.  This is why I second guess myself.  This is why I'm always on the fence post about many things.

I want to become a person that knows what she wants, what she needs.  There are days that I know what I need and I have no motivation to do it.  Sure its depressing and yes I have been in a nasty case of depression.  Not like I hate my life, I want to die, why am I living... but my living situation, my life situation, and financial situation.

Its all depressing.  I know there is more.  And then there are days that I don't feel there is more.  Days when I imagine that this is the best I can get.  And lately I've been believing it.  I'm letting everything just pass me by.  But I don't know how to grab life by its reigns.  I have no clue as to how to achieve that.

I need to grow up.  I want to grow up.  Yet I hear Peter Pan calling my name.  I hear him knocking at my window.  I just want to run away with the circus.  Then maybe then I wont feel like a freak...

~Rosa

p.s. I know it sounds EXTREMELY depressing.  and many of my posts are.  But I don't have too many outlets to release my inner worries, inner thoughts, inner anything.  So here's another depressing one...