Just In Time

wanted to post some pics of my halloween outfit... i know i'm in early my phone died and i couldn't find the awesome amazing going away/halloween party i was supposed to show at... but on a good note i have my car back... it still needs to be fixed but its working for now...

Here are some pics of me! Can you guess who i dressed up as for the occasion? One hint... Boo boop bedoo... ;)






p.s. I WAS DRESSED... it was a low cut dress... so this is why there is A LOT of skin showing... you know you love it... ha ha! also one more bonus.... i gave her the falsies and told her how to wear the right diapie...





okay so what if i was semi naked in that last one... so sue me... :)

wouldn't you want to know how i sexified myself! ask and you shall be given... the answers folks what were you thinking.... naughty naughty...

Tower (song)

Verse 1

You are strong

Unmovable

Unshakable

You have become the tower to many

To plenty

Relentless, tenacious, unyielding

My love you are so strong

But when will you allow someone to be your strong tower

When will you allow someone to hold you up

Chorus

There are cracks in your strength

Cracks in your power

If you would allow someone to hold you

To be more than just taboo

I'm pinning to be more

To be yours

To be the one that holds you when you have fallen

Verse 2

I can see your strength is starting to fail

You put up a false pretense as to why its not there

How long will it take until you allow someone to lean on

To be on

Feel safe with

And exposed with

Chorus

There are cracks in your strength

Cracks in your power

If you would allow someone to hold you

To be more than just taboo

I'm pinning to be more

To be yours

To be the one that holds you when you have fallen

Bridge

When the days seem long

And your strength is all gone

And there’s no one to reach out to

Let your heart remember me

Chorus

For I want to be the someone to hold you

I want to be more than just taboo

I'm pinning to be more

To be yours

To be the one that holds you when you have fallen

Because...

There are cracks in your strength

Cracks in your power

Stop the Echoes

The empty halls

How the echoes bounce off them

The sounds of war

Warring whether I should love you or hate you

I don’t know if I should keep holding on to this nothingness you have given me

To keep saying I owe you something

When there is nothing owed

I keep holding on to those memories of when I had you completely

When I had you

I scream

And still can’t get the image of you from my mind

There are days when the mirage of you keeps me happy

But its not you

Its not what you are

Its what I pretend you are

And so it helps me keep sane

Helps me from not flying off into the dark abyss

I loved you and slowly am starting to hate you

Slowly am starting to erase anything of you

Any trace of you

Trying to cover up what you left behind

But those echoes

Of wanting you

The echoes of needing you

The echoes of what used to be haunts me still

Things keep moving

Falling apart all around me

The world is moving at a fast pace

And all I hear are echoes

All I see is the replaying of you and me

All I feel are the shards of broken glass hitting my skin

I feel the ash and the the wind that keeps moving around me

But I can’t really feel it

I can’t really feel that pain

It doesn’t compare to the pain I feel

The loss I have

Those echoes

Thats all I can seem to focus on

I can’t seem to remove the images

The voices

The memories

I want to just drown myself from all this depravity

I want to die as the love dies

I want to seize to exist like the emotions you have for me

To forget me

To forget you

To have this world remove anything we left behind

And then maybe then the echoes will stop

Then maybe everything will stop

CATCH UP TIME!!!

Its end of the month recap! I think thats what i'm gonna start calling the end of my months when i tell ya all the wonderfully shitty things that have happened... i know you are all wanting to know the wondrous things that my life has bestowed on me... ha ha! anyways here goes my month....


so the beginning of the month i was very worried i was upset because my sister wanted me to go to New York but i didn't want to go... 1. i wasn't saving up money for that and 2. i didn't want to go... so i told her a head of time that i was not planning on going even though 6 to 7 months prior i was thinking of going but had changed my mind.  well a week afterwards she convinced me to go because she and her husband needed a driver to drive them around NY.  so my stress started then... i was like ok... how am i gonna make it a week in NY.  well they decided that they would pay for gas and of course or living expenses were taken care of because we would stay at our families homes... but that left ferry rides, museum visits, broadway shows, casino trips, and souvenirs... (that did not include food mind you) so i said the week before we were supposed to go again that i truly couldn't make it... if i were to go i had to have at least a thousand dollars and i barely had half... so my sister being so graciously (because it was gonna be the trip or rent) decided we should go to South Carolina instead where my parents currently reside...


they paid rent... so i believed (they didn't actually say a thing) that rent was fully paid and i didn't have to pay them... we went to south carolina and my younger sister (who doesn't have a job) needed to get paid anywhere we went.  i paid dinner, i paid movies, i paid for mini golf... i paid, i paid, i paid... mind you the sister that traveled with me (let's caller her sister 1) was not hurting for money she is going to seminary with her husband and they just had gotten a HUGE refund check... but never shared it because they have to pay bills and be out of debt by the end of they year which is smart but they could have paid for her... anyways the week goes by and we come back home on a sunday.  


the next day... on monday sister 1 tells me that i owe them rent.  so i say well i don't have it all but i can give you some...and she says well i'm not sure if you will have next months rent or utilities... so i say ok i understand... hours later the same day mind you she says it AGAIN... hey you still owe us rent... hold on... nope didn't here this already once today... please reiterate what i owe you... nope i forgot i had a debt... nope didn't remember at all... so i went into my wallet took EVERY dollar from my purse (mind you i had not seen my mother since march she had given me birthday money i literally spent 20 dollars of that and gave sister 1 the rest) gave her the money and said... i owe you such and such and i still owe you utilities and next months rent... and walked away... HOW DO YOU HAVE THE GALL TO KEEP ASKING ME FOR MONEY?!?!? I TOLD YOU I KNOW.  as an adult you have responsibilities granted i sometimes act like a child but when i owe someone money it burns at me until i pay back so i know i owe you money!


what truly killed me was that she kept asking me during the trip to pay for someone else i mean did you not see that we went to a restaurant where you paid for sister 2's boyfriends dinner, my parents dinner and i SHARED my plate with sister 2?!?!?!? AND that same summer i had money and loaned them money i mean more than two hundred dollars.... (which is more than rent) and i never once said a thing until they had the money and she says i know... and i said ok... and that was that conversation... they paid me back in increments and not in the same week... i was able to pay her by the end of that same week... on friday night... what little faith she has in me... it kills me how much she speaks to me condescendingly... like i'm a child... sure go ahead get your white picket fenced home and have your 2.5 children... that is and will never be me... i will not conform because that is what we are supposed to do... but i still have responsibilities that i will fulfill... and because i'm not conventionary (if thats the word i'm looking for) in my ideals and the things i do does not mean i will not pay you back...


so for the second week we were back i did not speak to her but i did speak to my brother-in-law... and choose not to speak to her... and everything i mean EVERYTHING i do she must question... why did you buy that... where are you going... why do you need it... you know i don't have to answer your questions... i'm really not that interested in your life... just fill me in in the some things not the everythings.... 


i'm so over this... over this mediocracy i allow myself to live in... and above all this my car is not working AGAIN! i have no clue this time what is wrong with it but its still at my job and has been for almost a week... its as if i sit and allow all these bad things to happen to me... and i don't fight for myself...


when will i have the motivation, the confidence and the passion to step outside of me and become more... i prayed and wished for a change so i got it... now i must move on and pray and wish for that motivation, that motivation to get me out of this life and then pray for that confidence to get me what i need and then the passion to stand strong in what i need for myself... so what if that makes me selfish... i've been selfless in many acts of my life... and there are times i have been very selfish in my own inner self.... but now i must reverse that...


i will be selfish outside of me and for my insides for the inner parts of me i will be selfless and give it away... so here's my month... a month of freedom of the stupid idiotic chains that have held me back...


the month of October: a month for eye openers


here's me wishing and praying for you... i pray that you are selfish with yourself in your work and your life but be selfless and give the world your heart... things will open up for you and you will become someone new... let's live in the freedom of being our true selves, in the freedom of knowing what we need for our lives, and the freedom of life's opportunities!


~rosie :)

That Was Us

**wrote a song today... i was inspired by the beautiful Kina Grannis... she sings a song Make Me and it was so beautiful it helped me write this song... if you would like to listen to the song here's the link: Kina Grannis Make Me, but here's the song i wrote... if only i had AMAZING vocals to go with it... we will see... i'm thinking of singing it and then sending to a friend and then they can singing it the way i want it... i don't know... but here it is... enjoy and tell me if you like it!**


Verse I

I fell in love with you

I fell in love with me

I fell in love with the notion of more than free

I wanted to fly

I wanted to run

I wanted to leap into your heart

Finding more, seeing more

Seeking beauty in the nothingness of us

My love, my lover, my friend

How bright it was

How bright it seemed

How bright I wish it still was

Chorus

Dancing in the night

Moving through the light

That was us

That was us

Standing strong

Being more

Needing the beauty of us

That is what I believed we were

I loved you

You loved me

And now where are you

Verse 2

How much more could I give

How much more did I wish for us

Thinking that this love was gonna be lived

Thinking this love was more than just your trust

There is no more light

There is no more us

How I wish I could find you tightly 

In my arms

Holding you closer

Feeling you 

Near me

Chorus

Dancing in the night

Moving through the light

That was us

That was us

Standing strong

Being more

Needing the beauty of us

That is what I believed we were

I loved you you loved me

And now where are you

Bridge

The waves crash down

Erasing all our notes on the sand

How I remember holding your hand

Holding your heart

Where do I start

Start again

Chorus

Dancing in the night

Moving through the light

That was us

That was us

Standing strong

Being more

Needing the beauty of us

That is what I believed we were

I loved you you loved me

And now where are you

Keep Moving On

I walk down the road

You throw things at me

Yet I walk

You yell and scream at me

And I move on

I keep walking because I can’t stay with your anger

You give me the ugliest look

You spit

And throw your hands up

You keep shouting atrocities at me

Yet the ground I walk on is solid

I will keep walking

I will keep moving on

I will keep my self strong

And you keep following me

Keep telling my failures

You keep saying everything I’ve done that you do not agree with

Yet I will keep moving

I will keep passing it all

I will keep pushing through

And you will keep following me

When will the day come when you will stop and realize it does not affect me

That your hatred

Your anger

Your fear

Your jealousy

Your feelings of inadequacy

They are for you alone

Why do I keep walking

Why do I keep moving

I keep going because I have allowed myself to accept myself with all my hatred

With the pain that I have had

I’ve accepted myself for the ugliness that this world has given me

And what I have realized is that I am beautiful because of it

I am stronger because of it

I am me because all these things have molded me to be this

To be more

To stand here before the world and keep moving

Keep going on

Keep standing strong

When will you accept your atrocities

Your ugliness

Your full self

RUN

Run run run

Away

To you

To nowhere

Run run run

From the pain

From the agony

Form the tears

Run run run

From giving in

From the pain of you

From you

Run is what I want to do

Run is what I need to do

But you have me in such a hold

You can’t seem to let up

And I can’t seem to just release you

Yet I am breaking

And I am falling to pieces

So I must run

But where

I must leave

But to who

I must go 

But I don’t know where to go

If I swim away I will drown

If I run away I will get tired

If I try to fly I will fail

So what do I do

What can I do

Can’t you see that this 

You and I

Is breaking me

I can’t say I love you anymore

I can’t say I need you 

I just can’t

Maybe you should run

Maybe its you who needs to get out of here

Because I can’t seem to be the strong one

So why wont you be the strong one for us both and

Run run run

The Lack of Your Faith

The lack of confidence in me hurts me

It pains me that you still do not want to see the majesty within me

The strength that I hold back each day

I know and feel the strength of to million

But why show someone that does not want to see it in me

Why show someone that cares more about the weather than the changes in me

Its as if you have given up on me already

I see where you have lost your confidence in me

But its not the same anymore

Molds that were created have been left to become hollow

Have been left to fall apart on their own

Its about more now

Its about the beauty in everything

And you still don’t want to see that either

You look at me and only see my failures

Do you not see my failures have finally allowed to see more

To see beyond me

To see the open world

To see how its ready for me

If only you would get out of my way

If only you would stop holding me back with the lack of faith you have in me

Let me run free

Let me run wild

Let me just be

And stop trying to contain me with what you think I should

With what I’m supposed to do because of my failure

I’m already working on it

If only you would see

If only you would open your heart, mind, and eyes

Its already being worked on

And its already been surpassed

Your Touch

I can hear the echoes of your laughter

I can hear the joy in it

Oh my dear I how long to be in your arms right now

To kiss your lips and look into your eyes

To feel your skin next to mine

Oh how sweet it was

How sweet it tasted on my tongue

How your hands ran through my hair 

Sending vibrations to every part of me

Sending chills and excitement to my heart

They way you looked at me made me melt 

The way you held me made me fall apart

To be whole in your arms

To be whole in your presence

My darling how freeing it is to be in your grasp

How freeing it is to relish all of you

Loving you

Needing you

Wanting you

I felt it too

I could sense your love for me

Because you radiated it

You radiated even if you don’t want to show

I miss you

Come back to me