I look at other peoples photographs and wonder why wasn’t I showered that way… why didn’t I receive that kind of affection…
I realize I let myself only receive the emotions I give off… the ones that say I’m ok… that I don’t need much in life to get through life… but I have all these emotions on love, life, sadness, sorrow, joy, happiness, anger, hate…. Yet I wont show them off because I’m afraid of the rejection of others. I’m afraid it will be too much for some to take in…
My sister even came home LATE tonight… I was infuriated with her… I have not one person in this state to truly connect with but her… and I get it she has a life of her own and I can’t meddle with that. I need to find my own people to connect with and rely on. She has a boyfriend who she knows she will marry... so i can't really take up a lot of her time but I can’t seem to forget how pathetic I have been since moving to this state… nothing I mean nothing is going my way… I moved back so that things would be better but I cant believe how much I hate being here…
I could call my other sister to hang with but then that would be something I would regret here soon. Seeming as I hate her boyfriend the father of her beautiful boys that I adore oh so much. But I keep my tongue most of the time when I am around him simply to make her happy but I choose not to be around him so that it wont happen often… anyways heres what I’m getting at…
My birthday just past… yay… I have now been living for 28 years and I can probably count on my hands the many birthdays that I actually liked. My 16th, the last one I had… my 22 I believe… and any before I was 7…so I share my birthday with my younger sister… and I feel so invisible… more invisible now… I was able to see pictures of her birthday here in south carolina and she was showered with gifts and such… me… not one gift but a beautiful quilt my mother made… and I know gifting doesn’t merely show that someone appreciates me… but I wished for something like that… anyway...
I feel like thats all that my life has given me… and showed me… how to become invisible… I hate the lime light… I don’t like attention showed to me… but sometimes I like to be papered… I didn’t tell too many people that it was my birthday… and for some random lucky chance I got to tennessee the day before some of my friends were going to six flags… so I got to to six flags for my birthday… but I didn’t say it was my birthday until the day was ending… nothing made it special… except that I drove myself to tennessee to be around friends… thats it… and...
The thing is, growing up, people would tell me “if you just let go God will do wonderful things in your life” so I became lazy thinking it was going to automatically happen to me. That I didn’t have to work for it. I hate it… when so many people see the potential in me and then realize there really wasn’t much of anything to begin with…
Yea I know I’m being depressive… but I have no other outlet to say how much I’m feeling… whether if its happy or sad… well mostly sad… no one seems to want to hear and then sometimes I can’t express myself. Ironic that I’m listening to somewhere over the rainbow by Eva Cassidy. This woman died early and yet she was able to do whatever her hearts desire… and I’m still living and I haven’t done anything to say I have accomplishments…
See I tell you I am so highly aware of how pathetic I am… I just want to be happy truly happy… and not billionaire happy which would be great but just simply happy. Where I can be true when I tell people I am good. I am good…
Maybe if I chant that to myself it will be...
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