Its been different around here. I’ve been contemplating so many things in life. About how to make myself happy. However, I don’t know how to do it without hurting people. I want to break free from what my family tells me I should do. But… I don’t know how to do me.
I don’t know how to just let go and allow me to be me in my purest form. The past two years have been revealing. I feel as if I have found the other half of who I am. It took a lot to find me. First I had to forget pains. Then I had to release things that I held on to for no reasons. After all that was settled and done, after all that was taken away, what did I find? I was stripped bare and found that little scared girl. The one that was still throwing a tantrum because she wasn’t being heard.
Sometimes I feel like that little girl. Feeling as if no one is listening. Feeling as if I’m alone on whatever comes out from me.
What does it take for someone to finally come to me and tell me to stop screaming?
I think people don’t want to look through and sift through a person. What does it take for a true friend to sit there and sift? I”m looking for a “donkey” to my “shrek” (but not as annoying).
I’m in desperate need of someone that will sift through me again. To just sit and listen. Even if its nonsense or just me repeating what I say.
I hide my emotions. I don’t like being an emotional burden on anyone. Even though I become a financial burden on my family. I depend on them too much. I don’t have a clue as to how to be independent in that aspect. But with my emotions its basically a breeze for me to hide them under this clever mask I wear.
Especially feelings that I still keep holding on to. Such as the ones of hope.
Do you remember when you were younger and everything seemed so exciting. So hopeful and bright. My family of course being hispanic has a huge tie to religion. It is part of our genetic make-up. We have to believe in supernatural being that controls this universe. We were never Catholic, but my family is hard core pentecostal, that is holy ghost, speaking in tongues, Jesus freaks kinda people.
Of course growing up in it people would come over and speak over you and say that the Lord will do great things in you, if you just let go. Things of that nature. And I seemed to get it more often than all my sisters. So I felt destined to do great and terrible things. But here I am about to turn the big 3-0 and feel like there will never be anything grandiose that will come from me. My mother still looks at me with those hopeful eyes. I read them everyday and everyday they tell me the same thing… can’t you see how great you will be, because I can.
Its become a burden to me.
I hate that look. Loathe it.
But what can you do. Its your mother. You just smile and nod. Tell her it will happen. But all I want to do is break her heart so that she will live in the harsh reality of life. But then again do I really want to be the one that broke her heart. As a child you don’t want to do anything but please your parents. As an adult you want to look back and thank your parents for allowing them to let you make mistakes. And yes my parents allow me to make mistakes but some “mistakes” aren’t really mistakes. They are decisions taken so that I can be the real me. Whoever she maybe.
What is the undertone of all this? I don’t know. What I do know is that I don’t want to be the person in my mothers eyes. Not anymore.
I want to be me. Just me. With out her hopes.
6 comments:
I don't think it's possible to interact with people and not break some hearts, sometimes. Or, if you try too hard not to break any, you could end up destroying your own from the inside instead, through all the effort.
Which isn't really better. Although your pain may not be intrinsically more important than the pain of others, it's also not less. So I do not think it is any more necessary for you to protect others than it is for you to protect yourself. If you miss your own happiness out of a sense of duty, the very same others miss experiencing a happy, more authentic you as well. So everyone loses.
Not that you have a responsibility to be happy either, of course, and there is no shame or guilt in not being so - but rather just that I can't think of any reason good enough not to try the paths that might lead you there. You do not want to hurt people. That is good. That should be enough to keep your efforts at happiness in a positive direction.
Or from another angle: if you are to 'treat others as you would like them to treat you', then you may ask yourself: would you like others to deny themselves and be unhappy for your sake? If your answer is no, but you do this yourself, then you're breaking the rule.
And it's a good rule. Golden, even, perhaps. If God keeps it himself, then he will understand your choices and actions when you do so. If he wants you to keep it, but doesn't himself, then his double-standards would make him hard to love with much genuineness. And if he doesn't exist, you can keep the rule anyway.
Religion complicates matters by assigning eternally terrible consequences to temporally wayward thought-processes. But it's hard enough to live consistently with your own moral or religious values, that I don't think you should have to live according to those of other people as well. If you are gentle with your disagreements, they may understand. Or they may learn to do so, and find their horizons expanded. But I realise it doesn't always work. And I don't know your parents. Or you. Or much. This might be bad advice. I wouldn't know.
Although there remains the option of living a life of self-denial to preserve the undisturbed faith of others. In which case, you might really like the story San Manuel Bueno, Mártir by Miguel de Unamumo. I do. I'm pretty sure the text of it is online (in Spanish anyway... I found an English book version).
Anyhow, I took your request to comment to apply to complete strangers too. Those were my thoughts. Good luck with it all.
Oops, now that it's posted, that looks a bit long and rambling for a stranger... I got a bit carried away. Shorter comment: you write very well, and think very beautifully thoughtfully. I hope that you are happy, or will be soon.
why does it always take an anonymous person to put it ALL in perspective. It seems no one near my heart can give me such a great response... THANK YOU!
I wish i knew who you are.
And thank you for the compliment on the writing.
Yes its hard to please all when I'm wishing for everyone to just be real with me like I'm wishing I could be. But I can't seem to break free from this.
I can write about it until I'm blue in the face. But it takes action. Action I'm scared to take. But I can't just let things sit. Who would I be.
I guess only time can tell if I will be strong enough to release the curtains that enclose the light.
Once again thank you for your wonderful response!
You're welcome!
I was happy to read your reply, and relieved I hadn't ignorantly written something terribly, irredeemably wrong.
I hope that you may be gentle with yourself in all this.
Thank you for your words. They hit home.
BTW do you have a page i can follow? so i know who i reply to ... ha ha!
Cunning!
I do have a blog. Although beware if you click the link, some of the anonymousness goes, and it might not be worth it. With fewer words, it's harder for me to say the wrong ones.
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