LISTEN!

not scared... but completely hurt!

why do i seem so complexed and perplexed?

you see me day in and day
you tell me what to do
you tell me only of your good tidings

you never ask me
you never see the real me
you never want to know me

more and more i find hatred for you
i resent you
yet i can't get rid of you

you are a part of me
and i don't want you anymore
how many times have i tried to tell you

how many times have i been at your door and you never wanted to listen
you hurt me from your resistance
your unwillingness
your hesitation

all my life i've allowed you to push me in your direction
what you think is best for me
what you need me to do for you

when will i have my turn
when will i be able to enjoy myself with you around
i will never be able to be me in front of you

slowly i am realizing we were never friends
how much of a convenience was i too you
how much of me did you ever really want to know

i sit with you and our conversations seem so bland
i don't find enjoyment in your presence
you are condescending

all i've ever said about you are good things
good tidings
yet i seem like the lost little lamb to you
hold my hand in social situations
have your friends befriend me because i will not find my own

i understand now
i don't want to become who you've become
that wasn't and will not be my path

you pull me but in the wrong direction
your not standing in the wind
i just want to run free
i want to feel the cool breeze of change

but you will not allow me to
you will not let me run wild and free
i may not have everything in my life in order
but i know its gonna be ok

i know that life is still moving even if your not
i know that i can stand even when my knees are buckling
i know now you will not understand

it may take a week, a month, and maybe even years
but i want you to finally listen
i want you to finally stop talking and hear

these are my words
not words of wisdom
nor words of knowledge

but my path is far from yours
i don't want you to keep using me as your crutch
i want to break free and live on my own
i want to know that if i fall and there's no one there to pick me up
that you wont be there behind me rubbing the dirt in
i don't want you to come and rescue me
this is my life
this is my world
you are only blessed to have me in it

Life... and its what haves...

i thought i was falling...

you made me believe that everything was going to be okay...

i gave you my all...

you broke through every wall i had ever built!

i gave you my everything...

you didn't give me any...

you only told me what was hitting the surface...

you never went in depth with what you were struggling with

how could i not tell you my heartaches and my misguidances...

i only wanted you to have me...

my inner me...

i loved you...

you loved me...

so i thought...

i went in to see you for the first time...

i showed up 30 mins late...

you never showed...

they never heard of you...

you who i gave my soul to betrayed me...

you told me of stories of this place...

stories of everything...

but didn't want me to know the real you...

i had the real you only in talking...

you never wanted to make me real...

you never wanted to make me concrete...

you could have had me...

i would have been yours...

but if you didn't want it to happen then why did you throw it out there...

why did you want to meet...

i could have been yours only through our late night talks..

i didn't have to make you real...

you placed out there...

but you took it away...

why give me such hope when you didn't want to give me your all...

why place me on a pedestal that was slowly falling down...

why pretend to love me when you never had any intentions of more...

why did i fall for you when you were a mirage

my mirage...

the thing that i wanted to see...

to get me out of my misery...

the thing to push me to be my change...

you were more than beautiful to me...

you shined so bright...

you were the only one to shed light into me...

finally i was finding home...

but when i opened the door it was just a facade...

nothing home...

nothing there...

just echoes of what i wanted to hear...

i wanted to make you real...

i still do...

i miss you...

not because you pushed me...

not because i want you to abuse me...

i want you because you were more real to me than anything i have ever had in my life...

you made me finally believe in myself...

finally step out on my own...

finally trust that if mistakes are made that you can recover from them...

that it doesn't have to take three or four tries for me to finally do what i've always wanted to do...

you made me understand that by jumping off the ledge there's more then just ground...

there's that adrenaline called life!

What I long for...

Sometimes I dream of worlds that I’m rich and I’m wanted and I’m the only one that is important.  I imagine myself with money and power and status.  I see myself knowing all the right people and having all the right connections.  Pretending that they all adore me and want me to be in their lives!  I wish it were true...  To live a life where everyone adores my personality and wants to hang out with me... Not because of my status but because of me.  Of how wonderful I am and how funny I am and how artistic I am...  Yet this is my realm... A world of uncertainty, secrecy and fear.  The next day is never known... I want to live my life to the fullest but because of things around me I cannot.  I want to love and love hard but there’s no one to love.  There’s no one to give my physical heart to.  My soul yearns to be loved but doesn’t know how to let it be loved.  I was free once but gave it for cheap and fleeting love.  I remember the dance, I remember the feeling and the peace.  How far it seems... I long for more but more isn’t coming my way... To find me in the highest form of me is unlikely to happen.  I can’t past certain parts of my life or I wont let things pass.  I live in the pain day in and day out.  I carry on a facade from remnants of the hurt that was left by men... I carry that baggage.  I don’t share to everyone how I was.  Why do I need to tell every person I encounter that my life was shattered when I was a little girl.  That I am different so give me special treatment.  Love me more not less.  But I can’t live off the charity of those who feel bad for me.  Charity only last for a little while.  When it’s gone people will start to have disdained feelings for me.  I don’t want pity.  I am who I am.  Things happened to me for a reason... I think.  I want to tell the world about me and so many more people that have gone through this but I can’t just pull this out of someone.  I can’t just drop it on their lap and have them to sort through it.  I must sort through whatever this is to be able to share it with those who are willing to hear and willing to listen.  For if you don’t want to listen then its still okay.  It only means that you aren’t ready to listen to it.  You aren’t willing to understand what a person that goes through this goes through.  I wonder how many people are unhappy being homosexual because everything in their life has told them that they were sexually molested in some way and must be gay.  Or because emotionality has them marked out as someone who has to be this way or another way.  If you choose to be gay or a lesbian because their are true emotions for that same sex person that I say make your peace and go for it.  But if your love isn’t there and you and their is no peace about it if you’ve struggled with this going back and forth from it then it doesn’t mean that you are a homosexual.  I’ve struggled with the fact that I have no emotions and produce a lot of testosterone.  Because of it I produce an insane amount of hair all over my body like men do.  And my sex drive seems to be more like a mans but even with all this I am still a woman.  A woman who has never found love because love doesn’t come a knocking.  But does that mean I have to date women because I’ve never had a man come to me asking for my number or a date.  No... It just means my heart has never been in the game.  I’ve never wanted to actually go it for it.  Yet my heart yearns for that relationship.  One day I will be finally ready for it and when I am than I will jump in the dating pool ready to get my heart broken but not now... I know it went from one degree and now this note is on the 100th degree but I needed to write this.  I needed to but it on paper for myself.  And maybe for someone else too... I am ready!