What I long for...

Sometimes I dream of worlds that I’m rich and I’m wanted and I’m the only one that is important.  I imagine myself with money and power and status.  I see myself knowing all the right people and having all the right connections.  Pretending that they all adore me and want me to be in their lives!  I wish it were true...  To live a life where everyone adores my personality and wants to hang out with me... Not because of my status but because of me.  Of how wonderful I am and how funny I am and how artistic I am...  Yet this is my realm... A world of uncertainty, secrecy and fear.  The next day is never known... I want to live my life to the fullest but because of things around me I cannot.  I want to love and love hard but there’s no one to love.  There’s no one to give my physical heart to.  My soul yearns to be loved but doesn’t know how to let it be loved.  I was free once but gave it for cheap and fleeting love.  I remember the dance, I remember the feeling and the peace.  How far it seems... I long for more but more isn’t coming my way... To find me in the highest form of me is unlikely to happen.  I can’t past certain parts of my life or I wont let things pass.  I live in the pain day in and day out.  I carry on a facade from remnants of the hurt that was left by men... I carry that baggage.  I don’t share to everyone how I was.  Why do I need to tell every person I encounter that my life was shattered when I was a little girl.  That I am different so give me special treatment.  Love me more not less.  But I can’t live off the charity of those who feel bad for me.  Charity only last for a little while.  When it’s gone people will start to have disdained feelings for me.  I don’t want pity.  I am who I am.  Things happened to me for a reason... I think.  I want to tell the world about me and so many more people that have gone through this but I can’t just pull this out of someone.  I can’t just drop it on their lap and have them to sort through it.  I must sort through whatever this is to be able to share it with those who are willing to hear and willing to listen.  For if you don’t want to listen then its still okay.  It only means that you aren’t ready to listen to it.  You aren’t willing to understand what a person that goes through this goes through.  I wonder how many people are unhappy being homosexual because everything in their life has told them that they were sexually molested in some way and must be gay.  Or because emotionality has them marked out as someone who has to be this way or another way.  If you choose to be gay or a lesbian because their are true emotions for that same sex person that I say make your peace and go for it.  But if your love isn’t there and you and their is no peace about it if you’ve struggled with this going back and forth from it then it doesn’t mean that you are a homosexual.  I’ve struggled with the fact that I have no emotions and produce a lot of testosterone.  Because of it I produce an insane amount of hair all over my body like men do.  And my sex drive seems to be more like a mans but even with all this I am still a woman.  A woman who has never found love because love doesn’t come a knocking.  But does that mean I have to date women because I’ve never had a man come to me asking for my number or a date.  No... It just means my heart has never been in the game.  I’ve never wanted to actually go it for it.  Yet my heart yearns for that relationship.  One day I will be finally ready for it and when I am than I will jump in the dating pool ready to get my heart broken but not now... I know it went from one degree and now this note is on the 100th degree but I needed to write this.  I needed to but it on paper for myself.  And maybe for someone else too... I am ready!