The warmth of a new day...

I used to be afraid
I lived in the fear of the unknown
Living safe
Living for them

I lived walking the line of “perfection”
Afraid of the shame outside of this realm
I was worried that my whole world would crumble if I walked away from it
I was afraid to live outside their standards

My conclusion is my life is meant to be lived for myself
My realization is I need to find myself to give myself my all
My understanding is I need to please myself before pleasing them
My knowledge is what I can stand on

I don’t want to stand on your precepts
I don’t want to lay in your lies
I don’t want to wake one morning and hate everything I’ve become
I don’t want to know that I’m stuck at a dead end

Finally I’m living
Finally I’m breathing
Finally I’m standing on my own
Finally I’ve allowed myself to trust someone

So what if my paths going towards mistakes
So what if I may put my trust in others
So what if there’s heartache
So what if my path leads to hell

I can’t survive in this atmosphere anymore

I’ve changed
I’ve transformed
I’ve finally broken through my exterior
I’ve finally looked up towards the sky and can see the sun

The sun seems brighter
The grass is greener
The songs of summer seem louder

As my feet hit the asphalt I know life will never be the same
Let the winds of change blow harder than they have ever blown
I will allow myself to push and pull at myself for growth

All because one person said...

Its okay...
I will listen...
No need to be ashamed anymore...
Thank you for sharing...

HAPPY!

I’ve finally come to realization... Who the FUCK cares! I’m sick and tired of having them tell me how and what I’m supposed to be... We humans are not the same... Then why should we all follow the same damn path. I’ve been living in under a roof where every thing I do is scrutinized and judged. I live a life where I know we are different for a reason. We are different so that we can rub each other and refine ourselves to become who we are meant to be. But if you are made of the same material how are we going to be able to help ourselves change and refine ourselves to become more. If we both know the same things we will always be in the same spot going in circles in the same conversation. Let’s got out of your stupid mold and find that thing that will push us to transform. I’m gonna just come out and say it... I don’t want religion anymore... It is still apart of me... It is still ingrained in me... And I will still live somewhat by it... But isn’t me anymore... It isn’t what I want to follow anymore... No I’m not forsaking it... Maybe its forsaken me... I’ve never found love in the church... Always heartache... People not accepting me for me. Just taking me because I’m there. I was never infiltrated in the church the only reason I was there was because of my family. My family who still go and are apart of this. My family who I still have in high regards but don’t care how they think of me anymore. Its taken me all of my life to finally come to this. I will not be ashamed of me, of my memories, of my sorrow! I came in a pre-packaged deal. You can’t have a part of me... My happiness is not what you can only get. You will get all of me if you want it. If you don’t then I will move on. I will not try to work at it to try for you to like me. I’m sick of being safe and pretending to please you. I didn’t even like you to begin with. If I must I will be on my own. I will stand on my own. You do not define me. Not anymore. I am me. I will love myself on my own without my family. I am finally happy.

Life... and its what haves...

i thought i was falling...

you made me believe that everything was going to be okay...

i gave you my all...

you broke through every wall i had ever built!

i gave you my everything...

you didn't give me any...

you only told me what was hitting the surface...

you never went in depth with what you were struggling with

how could i not tell you my heartaches and my misguidances...

i only wanted you to have me...

my inner me...

i loved you...

you loved me...

so i thought...

i went in to see you for the first time...

i showed up 30 mins late...

you never showed...

they never heard of you...

you who i gave my soul to betrayed me...

you told me of stories of this place...

stories of everything...

but didn't want me to know the real you...

i had the real you only in talking...

you never wanted to make me real...

you never wanted to make me concrete...

you could have had me...

i would have been yours...

but if you didn't want it to happen then why did you throw it out there...

why did you want to meet...

i could have been yours only through our late night talks..

i didn't have to make you real...

you placed out there...

but you took it away...

why give me such hope when you didn't want to give me your all...

why place me on a pedestal that was slowly falling down...

why pretend to love me when you never had any intentions of more...

why did i fall for you when you were a mirage

my mirage...

the thing that i wanted to see...

to get me out of my misery...

the thing to push me to be my change...

you were more than beautiful to me...

you shined so bright...

you were the only one to shed light into me...

finally i was finding home...

but when i opened the door it was just a facade...

nothing home...

nothing there...

just echoes of what i wanted to hear...

i wanted to make you real...

i still do...

i miss you...

not because you pushed me...

not because i want you to abuse me...

i want you because you were more real to me than anything i have ever had in my life...

you made me finally believe in myself...

finally step out on my own...

finally trust that if mistakes are made that you can recover from them...

that it doesn't have to take three or four tries for me to finally do what i've always wanted to do...

you made me understand that by jumping off the ledge there's more then just ground...

there's that adrenaline called life!

What I long for...

Sometimes I dream of worlds that I’m rich and I’m wanted and I’m the only one that is important.  I imagine myself with money and power and status.  I see myself knowing all the right people and having all the right connections.  Pretending that they all adore me and want me to be in their lives!  I wish it were true...  To live a life where everyone adores my personality and wants to hang out with me... Not because of my status but because of me.  Of how wonderful I am and how funny I am and how artistic I am...  Yet this is my realm... A world of uncertainty, secrecy and fear.  The next day is never known... I want to live my life to the fullest but because of things around me I cannot.  I want to love and love hard but there’s no one to love.  There’s no one to give my physical heart to.  My soul yearns to be loved but doesn’t know how to let it be loved.  I was free once but gave it for cheap and fleeting love.  I remember the dance, I remember the feeling and the peace.  How far it seems... I long for more but more isn’t coming my way... To find me in the highest form of me is unlikely to happen.  I can’t past certain parts of my life or I wont let things pass.  I live in the pain day in and day out.  I carry on a facade from remnants of the hurt that was left by men... I carry that baggage.  I don’t share to everyone how I was.  Why do I need to tell every person I encounter that my life was shattered when I was a little girl.  That I am different so give me special treatment.  Love me more not less.  But I can’t live off the charity of those who feel bad for me.  Charity only last for a little while.  When it’s gone people will start to have disdained feelings for me.  I don’t want pity.  I am who I am.  Things happened to me for a reason... I think.  I want to tell the world about me and so many more people that have gone through this but I can’t just pull this out of someone.  I can’t just drop it on their lap and have them to sort through it.  I must sort through whatever this is to be able to share it with those who are willing to hear and willing to listen.  For if you don’t want to listen then its still okay.  It only means that you aren’t ready to listen to it.  You aren’t willing to understand what a person that goes through this goes through.  I wonder how many people are unhappy being homosexual because everything in their life has told them that they were sexually molested in some way and must be gay.  Or because emotionality has them marked out as someone who has to be this way or another way.  If you choose to be gay or a lesbian because their are true emotions for that same sex person that I say make your peace and go for it.  But if your love isn’t there and you and their is no peace about it if you’ve struggled with this going back and forth from it then it doesn’t mean that you are a homosexual.  I’ve struggled with the fact that I have no emotions and produce a lot of testosterone.  Because of it I produce an insane amount of hair all over my body like men do.  And my sex drive seems to be more like a mans but even with all this I am still a woman.  A woman who has never found love because love doesn’t come a knocking.  But does that mean I have to date women because I’ve never had a man come to me asking for my number or a date.  No... It just means my heart has never been in the game.  I’ve never wanted to actually go it for it.  Yet my heart yearns for that relationship.  One day I will be finally ready for it and when I am than I will jump in the dating pool ready to get my heart broken but not now... I know it went from one degree and now this note is on the 100th degree but I needed to write this.  I needed to but it on paper for myself.  And maybe for someone else too... I am ready!