I never meant to let this blog go by with a month and not have an update. Oh wells. People are human and they actually have lives.
So you may ask what has happened.
Absolutely nothing.
I did pick up a new job for a few months at a construction site. I actually like the hard work. It keeps my hands busy so I'm amused all day at work. Plus I work with witty funny guys so it makes working there more of a pleasure. Although one of the guys there has a crush on me and I do not feel anything for him! Plus he's stinky!!! NO THANK YOU! HA HA! Seriously though, I will not go there. He even asked my older sister if I like weddings and if I would like to go. Her response "don't get your hopes up!" Thank you sister!
Also my sisters boys have been here at my parents house. My older sister has four boys, one of which is with his father because my sister and her boyfriend are not together and the oldest boy still has school and she couldn't take him back and forth from school since she started a new job. ANYWAY... my mother and youngest sister have become the babysitters and I have become the grocery shopper/gas filler, and my older sister has been taking us for a free ride...
We don't do any of this for her, we do it all for the boys. It breaks my heart that even when she has time off she doesn't seem to take care of them the way they should be. Since the boys have been here in the house my mother and sister feed them, bathe them, change their diapers, and make sure they are well entertained all day! In the morning she doesn't even wake up to them. I woke up Saturday morning early before my 9am shift to feed them, change them and make sure they will be good before I leave. Where was my sister snoring loud in her bed. She frustrates us all!
She takes too many liberties and yet we let her do it. How do you tell her "you have to be on restraints for we do not help you but your children?"
Ah whatever... there's only a few weeks left to this job so I'm hoping it goes fast!
Monday, April 18, 2011
Monday, February 28, 2011
Heartbreaker
Its been different around here. I’ve been contemplating so many things in life. About how to make myself happy. However, I don’t know how to do it without hurting people. I want to break free from what my family tells me I should do. But… I don’t know how to do me.
I don’t know how to just let go and allow me to be me in my purest form. The past two years have been revealing. I feel as if I have found the other half of who I am. It took a lot to find me. First I had to forget pains. Then I had to release things that I held on to for no reasons. After all that was settled and done, after all that was taken away, what did I find? I was stripped bare and found that little scared girl. The one that was still throwing a tantrum because she wasn’t being heard.
Sometimes I feel like that little girl. Feeling as if no one is listening. Feeling as if I’m alone on whatever comes out from me.
What does it take for someone to finally come to me and tell me to stop screaming?
I think people don’t want to look through and sift through a person. What does it take for a true friend to sit there and sift? I”m looking for a “donkey” to my “shrek” (but not as annoying).
I’m in desperate need of someone that will sift through me again. To just sit and listen. Even if its nonsense or just me repeating what I say.
I hide my emotions. I don’t like being an emotional burden on anyone. Even though I become a financial burden on my family. I depend on them too much. I don’t have a clue as to how to be independent in that aspect. But with my emotions its basically a breeze for me to hide them under this clever mask I wear.
Especially feelings that I still keep holding on to. Such as the ones of hope.
Do you remember when you were younger and everything seemed so exciting. So hopeful and bright. My family of course being hispanic has a huge tie to religion. It is part of our genetic make-up. We have to believe in supernatural being that controls this universe. We were never Catholic, but my family is hard core pentecostal, that is holy ghost, speaking in tongues, Jesus freaks kinda people.
Of course growing up in it people would come over and speak over you and say that the Lord will do great things in you, if you just let go. Things of that nature. And I seemed to get it more often than all my sisters. So I felt destined to do great and terrible things. But here I am about to turn the big 3-0 and feel like there will never be anything grandiose that will come from me. My mother still looks at me with those hopeful eyes. I read them everyday and everyday they tell me the same thing… can’t you see how great you will be, because I can.
Its become a burden to me.
I hate that look. Loathe it.
But what can you do. Its your mother. You just smile and nod. Tell her it will happen. But all I want to do is break her heart so that she will live in the harsh reality of life. But then again do I really want to be the one that broke her heart. As a child you don’t want to do anything but please your parents. As an adult you want to look back and thank your parents for allowing them to let you make mistakes. And yes my parents allow me to make mistakes but some “mistakes” aren’t really mistakes. They are decisions taken so that I can be the real me. Whoever she maybe.
What is the undertone of all this? I don’t know. What I do know is that I don’t want to be the person in my mothers eyes. Not anymore.
I want to be me. Just me. With out her hopes.
I don’t know how to just let go and allow me to be me in my purest form. The past two years have been revealing. I feel as if I have found the other half of who I am. It took a lot to find me. First I had to forget pains. Then I had to release things that I held on to for no reasons. After all that was settled and done, after all that was taken away, what did I find? I was stripped bare and found that little scared girl. The one that was still throwing a tantrum because she wasn’t being heard.
Sometimes I feel like that little girl. Feeling as if no one is listening. Feeling as if I’m alone on whatever comes out from me.
What does it take for someone to finally come to me and tell me to stop screaming?
I think people don’t want to look through and sift through a person. What does it take for a true friend to sit there and sift? I”m looking for a “donkey” to my “shrek” (but not as annoying).
I’m in desperate need of someone that will sift through me again. To just sit and listen. Even if its nonsense or just me repeating what I say.
I hide my emotions. I don’t like being an emotional burden on anyone. Even though I become a financial burden on my family. I depend on them too much. I don’t have a clue as to how to be independent in that aspect. But with my emotions its basically a breeze for me to hide them under this clever mask I wear.
Especially feelings that I still keep holding on to. Such as the ones of hope.
Do you remember when you were younger and everything seemed so exciting. So hopeful and bright. My family of course being hispanic has a huge tie to religion. It is part of our genetic make-up. We have to believe in supernatural being that controls this universe. We were never Catholic, but my family is hard core pentecostal, that is holy ghost, speaking in tongues, Jesus freaks kinda people.
Of course growing up in it people would come over and speak over you and say that the Lord will do great things in you, if you just let go. Things of that nature. And I seemed to get it more often than all my sisters. So I felt destined to do great and terrible things. But here I am about to turn the big 3-0 and feel like there will never be anything grandiose that will come from me. My mother still looks at me with those hopeful eyes. I read them everyday and everyday they tell me the same thing… can’t you see how great you will be, because I can.
Its become a burden to me.
I hate that look. Loathe it.
But what can you do. Its your mother. You just smile and nod. Tell her it will happen. But all I want to do is break her heart so that she will live in the harsh reality of life. But then again do I really want to be the one that broke her heart. As a child you don’t want to do anything but please your parents. As an adult you want to look back and thank your parents for allowing them to let you make mistakes. And yes my parents allow me to make mistakes but some “mistakes” aren’t really mistakes. They are decisions taken so that I can be the real me. Whoever she maybe.
What is the undertone of all this? I don’t know. What I do know is that I don’t want to be the person in my mothers eyes. Not anymore.
I want to be me. Just me. With out her hopes.
Monday, February 14, 2011
My Unrequited Love
I chant to myself you weren’t real
You never existed
You meant nothing to me
And with every word my voice gets smaller
One tear drops
Then my lips start to quiver
You never meant anything to me
But you meant the world to me
You meant everything
Every memory is like an aching thorn
A bruise that never wants to clear up
A wound that reopens making your reality hurt so much
I allowed myself to grieve over you
To move on
To live once more
And here I am
Like a slap in the face
Reminded of the unrequited love
Like a match that quickly surrendered to ash
All I want is to believe that you never existed
That you were never in every inch of my memory
And yet
My heart has so much scar tissue
From you ripping in to me
From you making me surrender to you
I tried and tried to remove myself
And I couldn’t even claw myself away
Why don’t you remember
I want to forget every part of you
Now this make-up smeared face needs to wipe your memory away
To really believe
And stop chanting
You never meant anything to me...
It was never what I did wrong
It was never how I could change to make you stay
It was all on you
I truly loved you
I truly did
Love to you…
It doesn’t mean anything
Does it...
You never existed
You meant nothing to me
And with every word my voice gets smaller
One tear drops
Then my lips start to quiver
You never meant anything to me
But you meant the world to me
You meant everything
Every memory is like an aching thorn
A bruise that never wants to clear up
A wound that reopens making your reality hurt so much
I allowed myself to grieve over you
To move on
To live once more
And here I am
Like a slap in the face
Reminded of the unrequited love
Like a match that quickly surrendered to ash
All I want is to believe that you never existed
That you were never in every inch of my memory
And yet
My heart has so much scar tissue
From you ripping in to me
From you making me surrender to you
I tried and tried to remove myself
And I couldn’t even claw myself away
Why don’t you remember
I want to forget every part of you
Now this make-up smeared face needs to wipe your memory away
To really believe
And stop chanting
You never meant anything to me...
It was never what I did wrong
It was never how I could change to make you stay
It was all on you
I truly loved you
I truly did
Love to you…
It doesn’t mean anything
Does it...
Thursday, February 10, 2011
The Corner
Today I found your corner
In the back of my mind
Far from all living and creating
Far from all of me but still in the back of my mind
You were my immovable mountain
I found you and shook you
I held every vulnerable part of you
Yet it wasn’t enough
You laid out everything new for me
And I soaked it in
Its been almost two years
I found your corner today
I swore I wasn’t going to shed a tear for you
And some how I fell anyway
I relived the memory of you and me
Shed tears
Shed myself
I think its time
I will finally clean out everything
Every single part of me you touched
Every part of me you knew
I know I was not what made you whole
But you found the other half of me
I will not thank you
Nor curse you
I will just forget you
The corner you used to call home is devoid of you
I will fill it with all of me and your memory will not even exist
In the back of my mind
Far from all living and creating
Far from all of me but still in the back of my mind
You were my immovable mountain
I found you and shook you
I held every vulnerable part of you
Yet it wasn’t enough
You laid out everything new for me
And I soaked it in
Its been almost two years
I found your corner today
I swore I wasn’t going to shed a tear for you
And some how I fell anyway
I relived the memory of you and me
Shed tears
Shed myself
I think its time
I will finally clean out everything
Every single part of me you touched
Every part of me you knew
I know I was not what made you whole
But you found the other half of me
I will not thank you
Nor curse you
I will just forget you
The corner you used to call home is devoid of you
I will fill it with all of me and your memory will not even exist
Thursday, January 27, 2011
I wanna hold your hand...
Captured by your essence
I stand alone
The tides rip between us like a vast space
Larger than the universe disagreeing with the passion between us
How is this love wrong when its pure
How is this love forsaken by all but you and me
How long will we be able to finally be one
How long will it be until the calm brings peace to everyone
I don’t know if I can keep surviving like a partridge in a pear tree
Alone and desolate
Sitting perched on my branch
Although we are apart you keep me surviving
You help me hold on to my breath
Your words bring me a bewildered love
This cage can’t hold it much longer
The sand in the hour glass of time seems to be going slower
As if we will never be again
My darling you tell me it will only be a little longer
But I can’t wait much longer
I can’t keep this love away
I want to stand up to the masses and show them our love
Show them the beauty we have created
Show them its more than just your hand in mine
I stand alone
The tides rip between us like a vast space
Larger than the universe disagreeing with the passion between us
How is this love wrong when its pure
How is this love forsaken by all but you and me
How long will we be able to finally be one
How long will it be until the calm brings peace to everyone
I don’t know if I can keep surviving like a partridge in a pear tree
Alone and desolate
Sitting perched on my branch
Although we are apart you keep me surviving
You help me hold on to my breath
Your words bring me a bewildered love
This cage can’t hold it much longer
The sand in the hour glass of time seems to be going slower
As if we will never be again
My darling you tell me it will only be a little longer
But I can’t wait much longer
I can’t keep this love away
I want to stand up to the masses and show them our love
Show them the beauty we have created
Show them its more than just your hand in mine
Tuesday, January 4, 2011
Fire
I miss you
I miss you
I crave your touch
My body aches from not having you
Its as if a hole was ripped from within my soul
I am completely naked and exposed
Come back to me so that I can feel clothed again
So that I don’t feel like the crack in the ground is going to swallow me whole
Like the darkness is my new light
Like I will keep feeling this excruciating pain for the rest of my days
Pain that burns and bubbles inside me
Torturing my heart day in and day out
Does this not pain you
Do you not burn like the face of the sun
You say you had no choice but I don’t believe you
Not when I know that we used to have a different fire within us
Now the fire is raging
Trying to take it all back
Fire that consumes everything until this forest becomes bare
I miss you
I crave your touch
My body aches from not having you
Its as if a hole was ripped from within my soul
I am completely naked and exposed
Come back to me so that I can feel clothed again
So that I don’t feel like the crack in the ground is going to swallow me whole
Like the darkness is my new light
Like I will keep feeling this excruciating pain for the rest of my days
Pain that burns and bubbles inside me
Torturing my heart day in and day out
Does this not pain you
Do you not burn like the face of the sun
You say you had no choice but I don’t believe you
Not when I know that we used to have a different fire within us
Now the fire is raging
Trying to take it all back
Fire that consumes everything until this forest becomes bare
Lifeless
And barren
And barren
Sunday, December 26, 2010
Gathering the unraveled year...
I have not much to update on... Simply put... I've become really lazy. I mean absurdly lazy.
What I mean is that I've become so complacent in the situation I'm in its like why change. Even though everyday I wish I was else where with a car and a better job. I hate my job. I'm still working at Cracker Barrel and wishing I never went back. But being so accustumed to the responsibilities there has made me be ok with it. Even though I wish the place didn't have so many unheard of rules and regulations. We have to become robots for the managers to speak to us. Also many of the managers give preference to the two male servers we have. So anything a woman says they kinda put it off as oh she's emotional... must be on her period.
Don't get me wrong some of the women there whine so much its understandable but honestly... Not all women are like that!!!!!
Anyways... still have no car and gave the one that wasn't working to my sister so that she can have... so I'm stuck using a car with two other women. One that is mad when I use the car without asking to hang with friends, even though I and my mother puts gas in the car and my mother pays for the insurance, she still gets upset. She of course NEVER puts gas in the car. It's like pulling teeth with her!!!!!! I hate that!
My love life... oh to be loved like I was their whole world. I don't know if I was loved once by a real physical human being... but I want to believe I was loved once. You know, I'm just not physically attracted to anyone. Its like I'm asexual. Nothing really sparks my interest. It only happened twice. The first person my best friend liked and she had dibbs so... I had to step up off. (oh yea and he's a woman beater... so no thanks!) The second one... I could never be the one with... He already had one. She's perfect for him and I'm happy that they are together... But as a girl... I still sometimes wonder what could have happened if I threw myself more at him... But I'm so old fashion...
So another year ending and a new one beginning... 2009 I felt everything, 2010 I felt nothing, and 2011 I have no expectations...
Happy Holidays...
What I mean is that I've become so complacent in the situation I'm in its like why change. Even though everyday I wish I was else where with a car and a better job. I hate my job. I'm still working at Cracker Barrel and wishing I never went back. But being so accustumed to the responsibilities there has made me be ok with it. Even though I wish the place didn't have so many unheard of rules and regulations. We have to become robots for the managers to speak to us. Also many of the managers give preference to the two male servers we have. So anything a woman says they kinda put it off as oh she's emotional... must be on her period.
Don't get me wrong some of the women there whine so much its understandable but honestly... Not all women are like that!!!!!
Anyways... still have no car and gave the one that wasn't working to my sister so that she can have... so I'm stuck using a car with two other women. One that is mad when I use the car without asking to hang with friends, even though I and my mother puts gas in the car and my mother pays for the insurance, she still gets upset. She of course NEVER puts gas in the car. It's like pulling teeth with her!!!!!! I hate that!
My love life... oh to be loved like I was their whole world. I don't know if I was loved once by a real physical human being... but I want to believe I was loved once. You know, I'm just not physically attracted to anyone. Its like I'm asexual. Nothing really sparks my interest. It only happened twice. The first person my best friend liked and she had dibbs so... I had to step up off. (oh yea and he's a woman beater... so no thanks!) The second one... I could never be the one with... He already had one. She's perfect for him and I'm happy that they are together... But as a girl... I still sometimes wonder what could have happened if I threw myself more at him... But I'm so old fashion...
So another year ending and a new one beginning... 2009 I felt everything, 2010 I felt nothing, and 2011 I have no expectations...
Happy Holidays...
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