Late in the midnight... hour?

alright... middle of the night and can't sleep so... 

Here I am once more...

I have this huge knot in my stomach.  Not sure if its anxiety or something else trying to tell me something more...

It could have been the dinner I had... A hamburger from Hardee's and fries... Or...

I've been having so many conflicting thoughts recently...  Thoughts mostly about my future.  My future in His hands.  Not sure how it will go back to him.  Well I do.  On my knees but, my life, so much I just am so conflicted about.

I want to believe it.  That I am what I am and that it will happen.  But I've waited for such a long time.  Not sure if its gonna happen.

I've heard of people waiting for more than 20 years for something to happen.  My family has fallen on hard times the hardest its ever been and so has the whole world.  But it seems worst for mine because I feel like we are about to lose it all.  My father who is in his fifties working harder than he has ever had to to keep the income coming.  But he's deteriorating.  He can't stay at that job too much longer.  Plus, he's afraid he will get laid off.

So many uncertainties.  My family has been waiting for His gifts to just flow down to us and help us out of what we have dug ourselves in. How long do we keep waiting.  Until we have nothing left.

Has our family not helped those who have less than what we have?  Hasn't my family given advice and been elders to a church that people have left because of the "high" standards this church has?

I know many other people have given more but how much more does my family give?

My sisters...

The oldest, beautiful, blessed with a talent to sing, and blessed with the most beautiful children!  Third oldest, beautiful, blessed with charm, whit, humor, and love.  A willingness to help those who are socially unapt.  Then there's the baby, beautiful, free spirited, full of life, and finding love at such a young age!

Then there's me.

What else do I have to offer.

Laziness, fear, uncertainty, selfishness, unwillingness to let go, and scared.

So many things to build up from.  All faulty foundations.  It seems that every time I finally find that solid foundation I allow myself to step off it and just, just stay.

I want and wish for more in my life.  I know that I've been blessed with gifts but these gifts are so much.

If only they were explained to me.  If only was given guideline as to how to make them grow.  If only I was able to compare it to someone I actually know!

I want to so fall in to His arms and not care.  But I have SO MANY QUESTIONS!!!! All which have gone unanswered!  

BAH!!!!  So confused!