Paper trails...

Sex...

I want to write about it... 

Don't really know where to start...

How do I feel about it...

Well I know it feels great.  It gives you such a rush as the endorphins rush through your body and just brings you to this elevated feeling... Sound familiar... its my drug...  

I've seen specials on people who have been on drugs and that have been trying to quit.  They show the person actually taking the drug and you watch them start to go into that comatose state and emotionally float away.  Thats exactly how it can feel...

An addiction that can never be satiated...

Yet with people I will not allow my self even to cross the line of touching.  I may hug people but never lay, keep my hand on their shoulder, or anything.  Not even with my sisters.  I stay away from that.  You can say I have a bubble and I do but it depends on what the action is.  If people decide to come close to my face I'm okay but if they hug or touch too long my mind goes there.

Every touch I get from people I associate it with sex.  This is why I will not allow myself to go there.  

I don't understand the addiction.  Its quick love.  Something that makes me feel awful afterwards.  I'm not proud of it.  But thats how I work.  My mind is wired much like a mans.

Quick to get high then be over it.  But in another way its a women.  If my mind was wired truly like a man I would have one night stands every night.  But there's that emotional connection that I need to have if I were to go to that level with a man.  

So many contradicting thoughts not allowing me to understand the truth.  Understandably its because I've strayed oh so far from the truth.  But even when I was in the truth I had these questions, these thoughts.  No one would ever answer them for me.  So finally I will place them on paper.

Paper seems to be the only truth.  You finally see it and understand it.  Its out to light for all to see.

My truth...  Its the only way I can make my connections from one thing to another...