life...
nothing new... new semester...
feelings... not empty or lonely nor depressed... but nothing...
I have no motivation to better myself nor motivation to break myself down. But... I feel a change in the wind... No its not because we have a new president but there's something there...
Yes... I do need help. Will I go get it. No. Why? shame, guilt, fear, hurt.
I've notice that when something bad happens I don't deal with it. For example, 9/11. Every time there is something on tv about it I have to change the channel. I will not let it affect me. I guard myself from pain because its seen too much already. I don't want anymore.
Yet... I understand there's so much more pain in my future. To deal and to break down where HE wants me to be. As much as I run as much as I turn my back against HIM I know my life is eternally connected to HIS.
I was thinking of the kids in my high school and they will all have professions with governments or as professors or teachers, nurses, politicians, policemen. But who leaves high school knowing that their life is supposed to be what HE wants it to be. Or who goes back to their reunion and they ask you what you do and you say preaching.
I've noticed my sister and I are made for the road. We were made to drive from place to place and leave our mark then move on. But are our lives intertwined... not sure. She keeps asking me to move with her when she moves to another state. Whether its Missouri or Florida is yet to be seen but if I do move with her... I can't live with her nor anyone else. I would live on my own which I want but I don't know if I can afford it.
I don't just want to give in. I don't. I want to completely break down to the core to my being to what I know. Then work on me. But I don't think its gonna work that way.
I always said I never want to warm a pew for the rest of my life. But I think its becoming a reality. Just mediocre is what I will be come.
Because everyone tells me I will never amount to anything because I don't look like I have the drive... maybe their right...
I know it sounds depressing... but I don't feel depressing... I feel... *sigh*
...nothing...
1 comment:
Ro, you can be whatever you want to be...Don't let anyone tell you what you are worth but God. Have you thought about going to the counseling center at Lee? Please think about it. Put aside ALL fear, doubt, shame, guilt and really pray and think about it. Or don't even think, just GO. It turned my life around! It can change you! I'm praying for you and if you ever want to talk, you know I'm here.
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