My Recent Recaps Making It All About Me...

Hi!

This will be the recap for the end of November.  I honestly and truly have nothing to recap on.  I've had ups and I've had my downs.  Mostly downs.  But right now not much is going on in my life.  Just trying to get my mind prepared for next semester.  I'm not sure if they will allow me back in but here's hoping I am here for a reason.

I'm gonna try one more time at this school thing.  I've tried for ages and I'm dying inside when I sit in those classes and let things slide.  I start with a bang and then it fizzles to the ground.  I get bored and then stop wanting to go.

My sister found a farm of gray hair on my head.  HA HA!  I sometimes wonder if she notices what is going on.  I sometimes wonder why she doesn't want to ask.  I sometimes wonder if she knows that things do worry me.  I don't just pretend they are not there.  I know I have so many things that I need to confront.  That I need to take care of.  Yet I've realized... yes I know more realizations.  That's how my WHOLE year has been.  But I realized that I'm not secure in who I am.  That I don't know where I stand with myself, my life, my anything.  This is why I second guess myself.  This is why I'm always on the fence post about many things.

I want to become a person that knows what she wants, what she needs.  There are days that I know what I need and I have no motivation to do it.  Sure its depressing and yes I have been in a nasty case of depression.  Not like I hate my life, I want to die, why am I living... but my living situation, my life situation, and financial situation.

Its all depressing.  I know there is more.  And then there are days that I don't feel there is more.  Days when I imagine that this is the best I can get.  And lately I've been believing it.  I'm letting everything just pass me by.  But I don't know how to grab life by its reigns.  I have no clue as to how to achieve that.

I need to grow up.  I want to grow up.  Yet I hear Peter Pan calling my name.  I hear him knocking at my window.  I just want to run away with the circus.  Then maybe then I wont feel like a freak...

~Rosa

p.s. I know it sounds EXTREMELY depressing.  and many of my posts are.  But I don't have too many outlets to release my inner worries, inner thoughts, inner anything.  So here's another depressing one...