Goals

I just read a friends blog (if you look in the list of blogs on the side she is Sara Renee I believe) and realized... I never make goals.  I have never set one.  Sure I have things that I do in my life.  Things like work, school work, family.  And with sed things I have to do things for them... but never once have I set a goal for my life.

Goals are a funny thing.  That means that I have to have some determination to do them.  Or that I am actually thinking of the future to do these things.  I hate looking into the future because I have no clue as to where it will take me.  I've always been "where the wind blows me" kinda girl.  I like just to go with the flow.  Well whenever the (water) current is moving that is.  And lately that current has been moving fast.  I looked at my degree list and in my major I have four classes left to finish it.  That's of course not including the four or five general classes that I have yet to take... BUT that scares me.

That finish line.  The clear line is sitting in front of me.  But I'm having trouble finding the ambition.  I wanted to say motivation but for now ambition is the right choice.  I need ambition to finish the rest.  I know I can do it.  But its as if I don't want to.  To stay that child sounds so easy.  Keep pushing the adult side of me away.  But I have to grow up.  I have to finish.  I have to make goals.

Goals to me are like the definitive notion of fulfillment and I have never truly finished anything.  It could be that on some level I have ADD but I have never been tested.  I have so much anxiety about all of this.  Yet I sit in silence.  I pretend that its not happening.  I pretend that it will just fade away... If I don't put my thoughts on it.

I can't pretend any more.  I have to do this! I have to make my goals!  Isn't that what resolutions are about.  Its just another name so that we don't have to do them.  The word goal implies that they have high importance and need to be done.

...need to be done...

Ouch... it hurts.  It hurts that I have let others do what is needed to be done and not done them myself.  I understand these are things of become an adult.  But please see it from my point of view.  Second child where the oldest child was oldest and was first to try new things, the third child had ambition to do new things, and of course the baby so far apart from the older sisters had to learn on her own.  So things were just done for me.  I was given what to do.

Its all apart of finding oneself... Goals...

Goal for the year... graduate...

~Rosa