Me Post Numero Cinco!

i could give you another one of my writings or i could just tell you what is in my heart without going around the bush... the past week, even before my last writing, has been very weird. my emotions have gone up and down. i've been depressed, happy, sad, angry, pissed off, joyful and i have felt nothing about anything.

Have you ever felt that? have you ever sat somewhere and not felt a single thing about the world. just emotionless and empty. i couldn't find happiness, sadness, anger, no emotion. and today i'm feeling it again. Not to the full extent like i did the other day. but close. i wonder why i'm feeling this way. i wonder if i'm supposed to feel emotionless to get something out of me.

or maybe its just normal to feel nothing about anything. the only thing that seems to pull me out of this state is finding people and hanging out with them. then my energy level matches theirs and i finally feel something. well its a good thing i work tonight. but its been happening to other people as well.

i have a friend who was talking to me the other night and she was just feeling the same exact way. it could be that she is on meds and the meds could have put her in that kinda mood but then what's my excuse of feeling that way. anyways after talking to her for a bit i was able to get her energy level to match mine and pull her out of that funk. it could have been that i needed to feel what she was feeling to help her out of it but again with the empty feeling.

again with feeling no emotions. i'm starting to feel the true "torturous" emotions of an artist. yet i don't feel like an artist. slowly in the things i do i see myself becoming one but i'm not there. not in any sense. i'm slowly evolving. slowly changing to become that which i want. having passion for things, having some kind of direction as to what i want to do in my life.

but at the same time while this part of me grows, while this part of me i am surrendering to i feel like other parts seem to be failing. they seem to not be fulfilling anything. such as my job. the other day i went into work and was there to eat, only to eat, and one of the managers came to me in a frantic tizzy and asked if i knew how to make bread because their back up prep was sick that day and another manager was getting his ass kicked in the back. well needless to say that night i saved their asses and was taught how to make bread (which i was good at) and they saw what a great worker i am. BUT... but its been almost a week and i don't feel the vibrations of that. its like instead of the job getting better it got worse. don't know how that happened.

i mean for things to get better do they have to get worse? not sure about that analogy...

sorry folks for a sad and crappy post. but sometimes i need to be heard and if this is how i needed to be heard then so be it.

on a good note i'm finally showing my beauty in all aspects of myself. people are seeing my beauty. something that i never believed i had. how could i show my beauty when you have three sisters that are beautiful. more beautiful than you. it was easy to take the backseat to peoples compliments. and now i'm getting all the compliments and how sweet it is!

i've yet to find me someone to truly share it with and i know its not as serious as some make it out to be. to find their perfect someone and all. i'm just trying to find my perfect someone for now. if their really is a "perfect someone" then maybe i will find them. but for now i'm trying to just have fun. isn't that what life's about?

anyway i'm glad i was able to turn this post around. because i'm feeling good now. feeling content. i tend to feel content often. how often can you say you feel content? its not an emotion like happy its more of things in life are good and you know they are getting better so you are content and good about your life. not over joyed nor happy. sure happy but content lays better with me.

ok lovies i'm gonna leave you with one more thing... i posted this on my facebook pajina (page in spanish)...

sometimes you lose the good things in life to make room for the great things!

~rosa

p.s. hard to learn it... trust me i know because i'm STILL trying to learn it... but let's learn it together and maybe we can be content... together!