Helpless...

There are days I sit and wonder what would I be doing if I never knew Christianity.  If I was never introduced to having a strong faith.  Where would life have taken me?  Would I be lost in the perils of my mind?  Would I be exalted in a group of peers?  Would I be who I am today?  

If my parents spoke english and understood what was being said in English would I be even happier in my life?  I never had the choice to choose.  It was given to me.  Then it was forced on me.  Did I even want to be a Christian?  Did honestly say “yes please pass the anointment oil.”  What if I had a life where I was given that choice.  Where it wasn’t yes all the way.  If it was “I will respect and fear Him who has created us” instead of “you scare me because I’m afraid of the repercussions if I sin.”  There is too much fear given.  

The fear if you step outside the little box built, that life will seize to exist, that there is no outside the box...  Just one tiny thing...  To perish.  

Adam and Eve ate the apple knowingly.  But it was curiosity.  Yes they had to pay for it for the rest of their lives.  Yes we have to pay for it for the rest of our lives.  But... They lived.  They lived outside the box that was created for them.  They lived.  Why can’t I live outside this box that someone else created for me?  Why can’t I just be?  

I have so many questions that keep going unanswered.  What I am also saying is I do not condone those who choose Christianity.  That is not what I am saying.  This is just for me.  Why did I say “yes”?  Why did I decide that it was for me?  The only answer I have is because I was afraid.  Because I was told to fear Him.  To obey Him.  

I cannot see our almighty God as something comforting.  As someone who I can call father.  I only see Him as the God from the Old Testament.  God of fire and war.  It’s hard for me to see Him as anything else.  This thing called Christianity was been conditioned into my brain.  It was programmed for me to live and keep living.  It wasn’t a program that I decided to buy on my own and upload into my system.  

I have split myself from Christianity.  I have decided to say stop to the nonsense.  Don’t get me wrong.  Something within still wants to dance for the Lord.  Something within me is pulled when I feel worship upon me.  But I’m not asking for religion anymore.  I’m asking for more.  I’m asking for answers.  No more BS.  More of what’s behind that curtain that was split over 2000 years ago.  

There is so much of me that I keep pulling out and it does not connect to this religion thing.  I keep trying to connect all these cords that are laying on the ground and nothing fits.  I get frustrated.  Frustrated that nothing is working for me.  Nothing seems to find its niche.  I had a friend tell me “maybe you just need more Jesus.”  I’m starting to find out... I don’t think I truly know this Jesus.  They say to get to God you have to get to Jesus first.  

Its hard to for me to see the trinity as one.  I see them as separate entities.  One almighty God, one almighty son, and one almighty comforting spirit (almost like a mother).  None connect to be one.  I just can’t see it..........

I used to dance...  

I would move to the worship... 

I used to free my soul to His love.  But people say love isn’t enough.  I’m finding to see that as something more true each day.  

A relationship takes work and I know I am a slacker there.  I am good at ruining things for myself.  Especially relationships.  I feel like I’m being a burden to all my friends even if I’ve known them for a short period of time.  I don’t text them.  I wait for them to text me.  What kind of relationship is there when your waiting for someone to talk to you when they don’t even know you want to talk to them?  

Hey you upstairs... I need you...  I said it...  Maybe you can peer into my windows... Do you notice the disarray?  Cuz its becoming overly cramped with no room in here...