Life is full of rambles...

I want to look back on these years and think "wow, that really tested me for what I am living now..."  Not sure I will say that... Not sure what I will say to be honest...

These are supposed to be the best years of a persons life.  I see beauty in parts of my life.  But not sure if these will be the best.  I keep dreaming that the best years are truly still to come.  Even when everything all around me is burning to the ground something within me says NO!  There has got to be more.

I wish I could divulge everything that is happening in my life right now.  I'm not content.  I"m scared, worried, frightened, depressed and not happy in any sense.  This is why I pretend.  This is why I make up imaginary worlds in my mind.  To escape reality.

I have always done that.  Believed myself to be someone else.  Believed myself to be something more.  Sometimes right before falling asleep I would do this and then dream of it.

The weird part of all of this is that I wish I could somehow write it all down.  But I don't know how or how to make it interesting.  I still don't know how to express myself in that sense.

Its like holding the paintbrush up to the canvas and painting without paint on the brush.  I imagine what it could be but once color is added it looks like a murky brown.  Everything mumbled and jumbled together to look like nothing.

I think my mothers depression is affecting me too.  Its not good how depressed she is.  I wish she would go see someone and talk to them but she believes it to be poppycock or nonsense.  The only reason I would know is because when I was younger she wanted me to see one but would turn around and tell others that people that go see psychiatrists are crazy and abnormal.  So since she wanted me to go see one I felt like I was abnormal.

i'm just rambling now.  But that's my life right now.  One big ramble session.  Not really having one direction.  Not really knowing what to do with what I have.  So here's a simple recap that really isn't so simple...