She's back!

How long has it been and I finally have some kind of device to use! Blagh! So whats new? Lets recap!

1. I got me a jiz-ob!
2. My car and birds car stopped working...
3. My sister sue had a baby girl! yay! My first niece!
4. My dad has diabetes and now i believe i do to... Both sides of my family have it and thats on top of my PCOS.
5. My house of full of little dark people... No not Mexicans but my nephews and my older sister moved in so full house always... However we get to see them every day and it feels like now they have a little bit more structure to their lives.

So I think that's all.  I'm gonna be honest, I've missed blogging... Not sure how often I will be updating but I'll do my best! Till later.

Lost off the gird...

So I haven't been able to blog, or write.  My laptop is dead.  Yes folks!  The mother board is fried!!!  My best bet is to buy a new laptop.

But on the bright side, all my info was able to be retrieved!!!

You know normally people are so upset by losing a laptop but I honestly wasn't!  It happened and I guess time to move on.  My older sister was like 'oh my gawd what are you gonna do..."  She thinks she knows me and thought that I would be really upset by it.

Honestly I am upset that I have no outlet for me to do anything.  I feel like I have no outlet anymore for my art-ism if that's a word.  Oh wells...

I'll just have to buy a new one... just don't know when.... or when I will get back to this...

There's a snake in my boot...

I decided today I was going to post!


It seems so long ago since I last really posted.  Not an update just something of me.  I feel like writing today.


I was at work today and was twisted in the harness I wore at work and said aloud "I get tangled up in my own string."  It hit home.  I've been dealing, no correct that, not dealing with a couple of things in my life.  I've allowed that pink elephant to engulf me in my own space.


Its gotten so enormous and there is no way out.  No way to be rescued.  Soon I will be smothered by the pink elephant.


I feel so scattered and yet I feel so at a dead end.


I was talking to a friend and she sees all the potential that I have.  But my problem isn't where I'm inspired its what path and which kind of inspiration should I follow.  I have so much to offer and yet I am so hindered.  I don't know how to untangle the web I've weaved.  Its starting to become a huge knot.  There is no rhyme nor reason to the mess I've construed.


And on top of that I really do feel helpless.  I have no one to really help me but myself.  I'm grasping in the air to find anything to help lift me up and its just air.  I need a guide.  I feel so blinded by everything infront of me.


I'm supposed to have a purpose to life but have no goals set.  But then I feel like my debts are holding me back...


AGH!  I have nothing left to write.  I guess that was all.


I'm working.  I might hold on to this "temporary" job so thats a plus.  Right?

Frustration

I never meant to let this blog go by with a month and not have an update.  Oh wells.  People are human and they actually have lives.

So you may ask what has happened.

Absolutely nothing.

I did pick up a new job for a few months at a construction site.  I actually like the hard work.  It keeps my hands busy so I'm amused all day at work.  Plus I work with witty funny guys so it makes working there more of a pleasure.  Although one of the guys there has a crush on me and I do not feel anything for him!  Plus he's stinky!!! NO THANK YOU!  HA HA!  Seriously though, I will not go there.  He even asked my older sister if I like weddings and if I would like to go.  Her response "don't get your hopes up!" Thank you sister!

Also my sisters boys have been here at my parents house.  My older sister has four boys, one of which is with his father because my sister and her boyfriend are not together and the oldest boy still has school and she couldn't take him back and forth from school since she started a new job.  ANYWAY... my mother and youngest sister have become the babysitters and I have become the grocery shopper/gas filler, and my older sister has been taking us for a free ride...

We don't do any of this for her, we do it all for the boys.  It breaks my heart that even when she has time off she doesn't seem to take care of them the way they should be.  Since the boys have been here in the house my mother and sister feed them, bathe them, change their diapers, and make sure they are well entertained all day!  In the morning she doesn't even wake up to them.  I woke up Saturday morning early before my 9am shift to feed them, change them and make sure they will be good before I leave.  Where was my sister snoring loud in her bed.  She frustrates us all!

She takes too many liberties and yet we let her do it.  How do you tell her "you have to be on restraints for we do not help you but your children?"

Ah whatever... there's only a few weeks left to this job so I'm hoping it goes fast!

Heartbreaker

Its been different around here. I’ve been contemplating so many things in life. About how to make myself happy. However, I don’t know how to do it without hurting people. I want to break free from what my family tells me I should do. But… I don’t know how to do me.

I don’t know how to just let go and allow me to be me in my purest form. The past two years have been revealing. I feel as if I have found the other half of who I am. It took a lot to find me. First I had to forget pains. Then I had to release things that I held on to for no reasons. After all that was settled and done, after all that was taken away, what did I find? I was stripped bare and found that little scared girl. The one that was still throwing a tantrum because she wasn’t being heard.

Sometimes I feel like that little girl. Feeling as if no one is listening. Feeling as if I’m alone on whatever comes out from me.

What does it take for someone to finally come to me and tell me to stop screaming?

I think people don’t want to look through and sift through a person. What does it take for a true friend to sit there and sift? I”m looking for a “donkey” to my “shrek” (but not as annoying).

I’m in desperate need of someone that will sift through me again. To just sit and listen. Even if its nonsense or just me repeating what I say.

I hide my emotions. I don’t like being an emotional burden on anyone. Even though I become a financial burden on my family. I depend on them too much. I don’t have a clue as to how to be independent in that aspect. But with my emotions its basically a breeze for me to hide them under this clever mask I wear.

Especially feelings that I still keep holding on to. Such as the ones of hope.

Do you remember when you were younger and everything seemed so exciting. So hopeful and bright. My family of course being hispanic has a huge tie to religion. It is part of our genetic make-up. We have to believe in supernatural being that controls this universe. We were never Catholic, but my family is hard core pentecostal, that is holy ghost, speaking in tongues, Jesus freaks kinda people.

Of course growing up in it people would come over and speak over you and say that the Lord will do great things in you, if you just let go. Things of that nature. And I seemed to get it more often than all my sisters. So I felt destined to do great and terrible things. But here I am about to turn the big 3-0 and feel like there will never be anything grandiose that will come from me. My mother still looks at me with those hopeful eyes. I read them everyday and everyday they tell me the same thing… can’t you see how great you will be, because I can.

Its become a burden to me.

I hate that look. Loathe it.

But what can you do. Its your mother. You just smile and nod. Tell her it will happen. But all I want to do is break her heart so that she will live in the harsh reality of life. But then again do I really want to be the one that broke her heart. As a child you don’t want to do anything but please your parents. As an adult you want to look back and thank your parents for allowing them to let you make mistakes. And yes my parents allow me to make mistakes but some “mistakes” aren’t really mistakes. They are decisions taken so that I can be the real me. Whoever she maybe.

What is the undertone of all this? I don’t know. What I do know is that I don’t want to be the person in my mothers eyes. Not anymore.

I want to be me. Just me. With out her hopes.

My Unrequited Love

I chant to myself you weren’t real
You never existed
You meant nothing to me

And with every word my voice gets smaller
One tear drops
Then my lips start to quiver

You never meant anything to me

But you meant the world to me
You meant everything

Every memory is like an aching thorn
A bruise that never wants to clear up
A wound that reopens making your reality hurt so much

I allowed myself to grieve over you
To move on
To live once more

And here I am
Like a slap in the face
Reminded of the unrequited love

Like a match that quickly surrendered to ash

All I want is to believe that you never existed
That you were never in every inch of my memory

And yet

My heart has so much scar tissue
From you ripping in to me
From you making me surrender to you

I tried and tried to remove myself
And I couldn’t even claw myself away

Why don’t you remember

I want to forget every part of you

Now this make-up smeared face needs to wipe your memory away
To really believe
And stop chanting

You never meant anything to me...

It was never what I did wrong
It was never how I could change to make you stay
It was all on you

I truly loved you
I truly did

Love to you…
It doesn’t mean anything
Does it...

The Corner

Today I found your corner
In the back of my mind
Far from all living and creating

Far from all of me but still in the back of my mind

You were my immovable mountain
I found you and shook you
I held every vulnerable part of you

Yet it wasn’t enough

You laid out everything new for me
And I soaked it in

Its been almost two years

I found your corner today
I swore I wasn’t going to shed a tear for you
And some how I fell anyway

I relived the memory of you and me
Shed tears
Shed myself

I think its time
I will finally clean out everything
Every single part of me you touched
Every part of me you knew

I know I was not what made you whole
But you found the other half of me
I will not thank you
Nor curse you

I will just forget you

The corner you used to call home is devoid of you
I will fill it with all of me and your memory will not even exist

I wanna hold your hand...

Captured by your essence
I stand alone
The tides rip between us like a vast space
Larger than the universe disagreeing with the passion between us

How is this love wrong when its pure
How is this love forsaken by all but you and me
How long will we be able to finally be one

How long will it be until the calm brings peace to everyone
I don’t know if I can keep surviving like a partridge in a pear tree
Alone and desolate
Sitting perched on my branch

Although we are apart you keep me surviving
You help me hold on to my breath
Your words bring me a bewildered love

This cage can’t hold it much longer

The sand in the hour glass of time seems to be going slower
As if we will never be again

My darling you tell me it will only be a little longer
But I can’t wait much longer
I can’t keep this love away

I want to stand up to the masses and show them our love
Show them the beauty we have created
Show them its more than just your hand in mine

Fire

I miss you
I miss you
I crave your touch

My body aches from not having you

Its as if a hole was ripped from within my soul
I am completely naked and exposed
Come back to me so that I can feel clothed again

So that I don’t feel like the crack in the ground is going to swallow me whole
Like the darkness is my new light
Like I will keep feeling this excruciating pain for the rest of my days

Pain that burns and bubbles inside me
Torturing my heart day in and day out

Does this not pain you
Do you not burn like the face of the sun

You say you had no choice but I don’t believe you
Not when I know that we used to have a different fire within us

Now the fire is raging
Trying to take it all back
Fire that consumes everything until this forest becomes bare

Lifeless
And barren

Gathering the unraveled year...

I have not much to update on... Simply put... I've become really lazy.  I mean absurdly lazy.

What I mean is that I've become so complacent in the situation I'm in its like why change.  Even though everyday I wish I was else where with a car and a better job.  I hate my job.  I'm still working at Cracker Barrel and wishing I never went back.  But being so accustumed to the responsibilities there has made me be ok with it.  Even though I wish the place didn't have so many unheard of rules and regulations.  We have to become robots for the managers to speak to us.  Also many of the managers give preference to the two male servers we have.  So anything a woman says they kinda put it off as oh she's emotional... must be on her period.

Don't get me wrong some of the women there whine so much its understandable but honestly... Not all women are like that!!!!!

Anyways... still have no car and gave the one that wasn't working to my sister so that she can have... so I'm stuck using a car with two other women.  One that is mad when I use the car without asking to hang with friends, even though I and my mother puts gas in the car and my mother pays for the insurance, she still gets upset.  She of course NEVER puts gas in the car.  It's like pulling teeth with her!!!!!!  I hate that!

My love life... oh to be loved like I was their whole world.  I don't know if I was loved once by a real physical human being... but I want to believe I was loved once.  You know, I'm just not physically attracted to anyone.  Its like I'm asexual.  Nothing really sparks my interest.  It only happened twice.  The first person my best friend liked and she had dibbs so... I had to step up off.  (oh yea and he's a woman beater... so no thanks!)  The second one... I could never be the one with... He already had one.  She's perfect for him and I'm happy that they are together... But as a girl... I still sometimes wonder what could have happened if I threw myself more at him... But I'm so old fashion...

So another year ending and a new one beginning... 2009 I felt everything, 2010 I felt nothing, and 2011 I have no expectations...

Happy Holidays...

The Mirror

the mirror says it all
blinding me with my imperfections
i can turn away
but the realities will always show

this is how i see you
you are a mirror
i create truths with what you feed me
believing and ensuing a bond
a bond that is created on trust

but i've discovered after cleaning your mirror a crack
what are you hiding
what are you holding back

let me just fix it
for now...

you can barely see it anymore
then another imperfection appears

there's a chip in the glass
all over

everyone stands in front of your mirror now

i can see reflections of anger
of disappointment and disgust
yet i will believe in you for you show me the truth

seeing the good in you
you can be salvaged
i can help

but that little crack i tried covering up has surged through
now its half way through your glass
it wasn't there yesterday
or was it

it can still be fixed

but now things are distorted
things aren't as clear
if i clean you, you will break

tell me is this the real you
or do i have to wait for you to be fixed
have i been fed trickery with lighting and fog

was i being used as light to help with the illusion
let me step aside
let them see you
so i can really see you too

was this all a lie

7:31am Monday 12/20/10

Inspired?

Not sure if i am but here are more drawings... the first i call missing her cage and the second is just the original and the drawing.... enjoy!

More Drawings!

I got in the spirit of drawing today! and in charcoal too! i think i'm going to make it my favorite medium... i like what it does on paper... :) the first one is of the original picture and the drawing and the second is  of just the drawing itself! enjoy!

RIP

I wont be able to see you smile at me anymore
Nor hear your laughter

I wont be able to feel your arms surround me with a force full of love

Words that only i used to share with yoU
I have no one to share with anymore

You wont be able to hold my hand
Or wipe a tear
Nothing for your not here anymore

I wont be able to watch you grow old and live your years
For time has taken you from me

Now I walk alone
Only feeling a simply presence around me
Feeling you kiss my cheek gingerly like a brush of wind
Feeling you right before I drift off to sleep

Seeing you while half awake and half asleep
Smelling you right when spring arrives

Although you are a mere spirit now looking down
And although I cannot physical touch you
I know that you make your presence known when its needed

I will love you and miss you my dear friend

Rest in His peace and His arms

Friends

There are many things people pretend to be. They pretend to be friendly, trusting, and genuine. In reality people have many different agendas. People can decide that everyone is usable in one way or another and can take what they need from certain people at certain times in their lives. How many times have we been caught using someone else for our own gain?

I guess I’ve been guilty of it. But who hasn’t?

There were few people in my life that I can say I did not have them in my life because they had some kind of resource that I needed, and these people have become my true friends. Friends that I can pick up the phone say hey and know that when I say I love and miss them that its true.

But its hard to keep them around. Its hard when life pulls us apart and tells us that we have different paths to take.

I miss looking in there faces and laughing along with them. I miss seeing the lines on their faces. I miss talking to all hours of the night with them.

Its hard when the miles and distance separate us. Its hard when one of them needs my shoulder to cry on, needs my hug to console them, needs a hand to lift them, and its hard when they need my laughter to uplift them.

Yet this distance that seems to create cracks in my heart still wont stop me from loving my dear friends.

I’m long for the day when I can be face to face with them.

What really hurts is not being able to see the growth people are going through. Not being able to see them change and become what they were meant to be. What I mean is to see them really flourish.

Many of them are creating families. They are multiplying! Yet I can’t be near enough to enjoy the the happiness in my own arms, only through photographs.

I’m missing seeing my families/friends grow. But time was created for humans. So it will only be a short time until I can create more memories with them. For now… I will wait, wait until I can reminisce with them once again.

For now… I have pictures and photographs… I can’t wait to see you again...

A love

A love so tender so pure it floats lighter than a snowflake
A love that makes you shed a tear from its tenderness
That makes you so scared you cannot think of anything else
A love that looks you in the eye and holds you still

That captivates every part of your being

A love that scares you
A love that rejuvenates you
A love that does not judge you

To love with a passion that breaks me
That pushes me outside my self
A thing that breaks my resistance
That breaks my composure

That is the kinda love I saw in you

That kinda love I want to find again
That someone is waiting to give me again…

Come find me oh tender love
Find me and bring life into me again

Bring that intimacy back to my heart
The that vulnerability
That lightness that makes me float high above in the sky

A love that brings me to you

here's an update for ya...

blogging became a passion about a year ago... now its more of something that has to be updated... i'm not really in the mood to update anything when nothing seems to be going my way...

life is crap. i hate it. i hate home.

its like crap is inevitable in my life... and my parents because they do not understand english well... well its become more than a burden for me to keep up with their things... i'm not the head of their household... why did they move to america if they were never going to understand the language!!!!!!!!!!

FML!

Deafening

How have these four walls become so small? It used to fit me, you and everything in between. Bursting with life and all the goodness that light brings. And now it is empty and so snug. The window has become a clouded mess. I seem to clean up and I turn around and its dirty again. What’s the point of cleaning something that keeps getting dirty? Why keep trying. Its so dark and now the walls have started to cave in. I can barely move inside these walls. I can’t seem to find the door to get out. I’m clawing and pushing and nothing seems to move. I don’t know how much air supply I have left. The air has become so thick nothing alleviates the heaviness. How much longer until it starts to crush me, until I become apart of the walls? How do I break free from this imprisonment? Can no one hear me? Are my cries not loud enough? This solitude is deafening. The only noise heard is the sound of my heart beating, like seconds on a clock counting down till the end.

Untitled Love 4

Nights like these brought Layla new days.  It allowed her to release her worries on the dance floor.  The restaurant life lead to stressful days.  The normal working hours at a restaurant is between 60 to 80 hours a week, so it was always nice to dance and drink the night away.

After a two hours Layla was getting to the point of no return.  It was time for her to go home but both she and Danny were to drunk to drive.  Taxi was their best bet.

“Baby please call.  I don’t think I can even see the numbers on my phone right…”

“I’ll try” says Danny.

Kimmy noticed that both Layla and Danny were having too much fun to slow down so she decided to keep an eye out for them.  “II’ll drive you two, if that’s ok.  I haven’t had much to drink tonight.  I was making sure everyone else was!”

“That would be amazing Kim.  Seriously!  Did you want to drive my car or did you want to take yours?  It’s a big hummer so you’ll have fun driving it!”

“The manly man driving a manly car. Of course on a night we get drunk that’s the one you bring along” says Layla.

“Babykins I don’t go anywhere without it.  It gets the job done.”

“Right… So Kim which car?”

“Well I have a two seater so its gonna have to be your car Danny.”

“Hey I drove here with Larry, why don’t I drive your car while Larry follows me to your house Dan and Kimmy you can take Layla to her house.  That way no one’s car stays here at the club” asks Mark.

“Yea that sounds good!” says Kimmy.

“I don’t care as long as I get in my warm bed..” says Layla.

Danny hands over his keys as Mark helped him out to the car.  While Layla, holding on to one of Kimmy’s arms and Larry’s arm around her waist, walked out to the parking lot.  

“Wait can I kiss my hunny bun goodnight?” asks Danny.

As Danny sat in his car they brought Layla over.  Clumsily Layla grabbed the car door window leaned in and kissed Danny.  Danny grabbed her face “I love you so much.  It might be all the alcohol but you are so beautiful to me!  No its not the alcohol you simply are the loveliest creature on the face of this planet!  I love you babykins.”

All Layla could muster to say was “Ditto!”  She kissed Danny one more time and started to walk over to Kimmy’s car to go home.

“Ok well see you guys!  Be safe!” says Kimmy to her work buddies as they got into her car.  “Ok now where do you live?”

~~~

The next morning Layla woke up with a massive headache and her stomach was just churning.  She made herself get out of bed to get the dogs out.  When she got to the glass doors to let them out she realized she wasn’t alone.  She turned and walked to the couch and saw Kimmy on the couch.  She then walked to the kitchen to start the coffee maker and tried to remember what happened the night before.  But for her life, she couldn’t remember how she got home let alone how she got into her bed.  As the coffee machine was gurgling its last few drops into the pot she decided that she should wake Kimmy to give her a cup too but decided not to.  Walking across the living room to get to her office she bumped into her coffee table and stepped onto a squeaky toy and woke Kimmy up.

“Morning…” says Layla, although it was nearly eleven am.

“Morning.  What time is it?”

“Almost eleven.  I didn’t want to wake you since you helped me home… I think.”

With a smirk, “yea help is not the right word.  More like you owe me.”

“That bad?  Ugh.”  Layla sat down on the love seat next to the couch and looked down into her coffee.  “I am so sorry.  I can’t remember much from last night.  Just that we got to The Cathedral and then after a few more drinks, nothing.”

“Yea well I got you home and it was a battle to get you into the house.”

“A BATTLE?! What do you mean a battle?”

Laughing, “You wanted to go back and party but when I finally got you out of the car you ran to the nearest bush and well… let’s just say whatever you drank last night is in your front bushes.”

“Oh.”

“Yes.  Then I brought you in and tried to rehydrate you but it wouldn’t stay down.”

“Yikes.  Yea more like owe is right.  Truly so sorry!  I normally can hold my alcohol but I don’t know what was with me last night that I couldn’t stop hitting the alcohol.”

“Yea well don’t worry about it.  I’m just glad you look better today then last night.”

“I feel like crap to be honest with you.  But thank you for staying to make sure I was better.”

“Yea well Danny would have been mad if I left you alone!  Plus I bet he would have done the same for me.  He seems like that kinda guy.”

“He is.  That’s one of the qualities I truly enjoy about him.  He’s a well rounded kinda guy!”

“Well you’ve found a keeper!  Best not let that guy outta your grasp!”

“Yea.”

“What is it?  I hear a little sadness in your words.”

“I love him.  He is the perfect man for me in every way.”

“But…”

“However,” laughing, “I don’t feel the passion.  It feels like ‘its supposed to be this way’ and I wish it was more ‘we are soul mates’ kinda thing.”

“Oh.  Well maybe your reading into the whole relationship thing too much.  Life is supposed to be a ride.  It seems to me you decided to take the easy way out.  Not saying that its a bad thing but it sounds safe to me.”

“Safe.  That seems to be the right word.  But I’m almost thirty, shouldn’t I be married already.  That’s what the world is telling me.”

“Look I’m thirty two, and I don’t care to see marriage in my near future nor in my longer future.  Just take life by the reigns and live it up.  That’s what I do.  Just enjoy it while you can.  I’m not saying break up with the guy.  I have no clue as to what your relationship is like.  But you seem like you need more.  Maybe you need to push him a little to get that kinda satisfaction out of life.”

“Yea maybe that’s it.  I need more passion out of him and out of me.  I barely know you and you seem to be the only person to understand what I’m feeling.  Sorry for pouring this all on you.”

“No, no its totally ok.  Seriously no worries.  Anything said today is between you, me, and the fence post.  But on talk to him.  I bet he would be willing to do almost, no anything for you.  Well as long as he was able to get it you would have it!  You are a lucky girl.”

“Thanks, I just wish I felt it more.”

The Way We Were...

While ago I met a person. Someone that I only knew for a short period of time. I only saw him at my job. We worked side by side. And I fell for him.

It was a small crush. He was funny, strong, smart, independent, and lived life. At the time he was questioning many things in life. Where he was going to go, what he was going to do, things of that nature.

At our age who doesn’t.

I purposely made sure I looked perfect when I went to work. Made sure to talk to him when he was there. He and I, it was fun. But I could never cross my boundaries with him. He had a girlfriend. He was in love. But she was far away. Another country.

She decided they needed a break. I couldn’t interfere with his broken heart. I wasn’t going to be the girl that came along and tried to sweep him off his feet when he was still in pain.

I moved away. I had forgotten about him. I had forgotten about his smile, laughter, and personality.

I found him again.

For some reason those emotions seem stronger. We haven’t spoken since. But I added him as a friend on the internet site I found him. I know this may seem like a lot to say for a person that I have no clue as to if he felt anything for me.

We were just friends. Thats all! Nothing more. But if he would have said something I probably would have stayed. Just for him. But things change.

I found he had a website. And I checked it out. I had forgotten what an awesome guy he is! Even better than before!

He’s dating her again. I see how well matched he and her are. I could never come between them two. He seems so happy. I’m happy for him.

I just wish I didn’t feel this way for him. But my faith is not where his faith is. His faith has gotten so strong in the the last nine months. While mine has slowly been getting weaker.

I can’t be the woman he would want me to be. So I’m writing because I wanted to write.

I miss him. But he’s better off.