Catch up catch up read all about it!

i wanted to post something deep and beautiful and a writing but had nothing so i decided its time for a me post!


yes yes i know you have all been waiting for one! its about time... its almost half way point in the month of november! not too many things have changed... not even inside of me but i feel like in the areas that i have stopped evolving or getting inspiration from God has given me people to remind me of life, its ever changing beauty, its inspiration, and my goal to life.


what is my goal to life. honestly I HAVE NO CLUE but i've realized that there has got to be more than this.  what do i mean by "this"? well i was eating at Ryan's today, a buffet restaurant, where i haven't been in AGES! seriously its been so long since i've eaten there but it made me think.  think hard! i was watching the managers that were working at that restaurant and i know its not as difficult as working at a big chained sit down restaurant... i'm not saying that they probably don't get their asses handed to them during rush hour, but what happens once they leave the restaurant.  what else is there?


thats all it is... a job where you come in do it and do the paper work, make sure everything is clean and then come back and do it again tomorrow... yes everyday is different but please hear what i'm trying to get at.  what else is there people... i want to say i'm stuck in that same routine. i go to work and come home and then go to work the next day and do the same SH*T over again... its this monotonous routine we have all gotten into... its pathetic in my book! yes i am calling myself pathetic!


how have we allowed ourselves to be this. to sit and let ourselves get fat and lazy? i guess my problem is that i never had to fight for anything. its been somewhat easy for me... but thats because i've been living a mediocre life.  all of my life!


from a little girl when my mother handed me down my older sisters clothing, to getting by in school with a C average and not needing to study to achieve it, to finding jobs easily but still only being an average worker, sure they saw i worked hard while i was there but i did nothing to outshine...


how do we push out of that? how do we stop and say "what the hell am i sitting around for? and why am i doing everything half assed?" why can't we just give it our all? i read on someone's blog today "do you not know that in a race all the runners run, but only one gets the prize? run in such a way to get the prize...." how more true can that statement be! it hit home.  very hard! 


but what am i doing to win it? nothing... not even giving myself a winning chance at school... i can't finish that race for anyone else but myself. i've notice i've been running it for everyone else but me. that's why i hate it so much. that is one realization that i just came to and i cannot believe how i've done almost everything for everyone else. no wonder i've been doing everything with out emotion, with out a care in the world.


here i am telling everyone do what you need to do and i haven't done anything that i need to do for me... its so easy for me to rely on that and do what people need me to do but not what i need to do for myself.  i constantly do things for others without even noticing... and i get nothing in return.  sure i can say the satisfaction of doing something for someone else but... no... i don't always want to be the servant... can i once be the master?


that really struck a cord in me... see i love to write about my soul, heart, and my mind.  it releases things i didn't know were going on.  releases things i need to register with myself.  to make conscious that were hidden.


i'm content once more... and that's all i have to give to you today.


i'm hoping you realize what it is that is making you live your life half assed... why your only living half of yourself... and not fulfilling all of you.  i'm hoping that you find what you need to find to move out of it and find happiness in it... here's sending love your way from a full heart to hopefully another full heart... 


XOXO
~rosa