Its end of the month recap! I think thats what i'm gonna start calling the end of my months when i tell ya all the wonderfully shitty things that have happened... i know you are all wanting to know the wondrous things that my life has bestowed on me... ha ha! anyways here goes my month....
so the beginning of the month i was very worried i was upset because my sister wanted me to go to New York but i didn't want to go... 1. i wasn't saving up money for that and 2. i didn't want to go... so i told her a head of time that i was not planning on going even though 6 to 7 months prior i was thinking of going but had changed my mind. well a week afterwards she convinced me to go because she and her husband needed a driver to drive them around NY. so my stress started then... i was like ok... how am i gonna make it a week in NY. well they decided that they would pay for gas and of course or living expenses were taken care of because we would stay at our families homes... but that left ferry rides, museum visits, broadway shows, casino trips, and souvenirs... (that did not include food mind you) so i said the week before we were supposed to go again that i truly couldn't make it... if i were to go i had to have at least a thousand dollars and i barely had half... so my sister being so graciously (because it was gonna be the trip or rent) decided we should go to South Carolina instead where my parents currently reside...
they paid rent... so i believed (they didn't actually say a thing) that rent was fully paid and i didn't have to pay them... we went to south carolina and my younger sister (who doesn't have a job) needed to get paid anywhere we went. i paid dinner, i paid movies, i paid for mini golf... i paid, i paid, i paid... mind you the sister that traveled with me (let's caller her sister 1) was not hurting for money she is going to seminary with her husband and they just had gotten a HUGE refund check... but never shared it because they have to pay bills and be out of debt by the end of they year which is smart but they could have paid for her... anyways the week goes by and we come back home on a sunday.
the next day... on monday sister 1 tells me that i owe them rent. so i say well i don't have it all but i can give you some...and she says well i'm not sure if you will have next months rent or utilities... so i say ok i understand... hours later the same day mind you she says it AGAIN... hey you still owe us rent... hold on... nope didn't here this already once today... please reiterate what i owe you... nope i forgot i had a debt... nope didn't remember at all... so i went into my wallet took EVERY dollar from my purse (mind you i had not seen my mother since march she had given me birthday money i literally spent 20 dollars of that and gave sister 1 the rest) gave her the money and said... i owe you such and such and i still owe you utilities and next months rent... and walked away... HOW DO YOU HAVE THE GALL TO KEEP ASKING ME FOR MONEY?!?!? I TOLD YOU I KNOW. as an adult you have responsibilities granted i sometimes act like a child but when i owe someone money it burns at me until i pay back so i know i owe you money!
what truly killed me was that she kept asking me during the trip to pay for someone else i mean did you not see that we went to a restaurant where you paid for sister 2's boyfriends dinner, my parents dinner and i SHARED my plate with sister 2?!?!?!? AND that same summer i had money and loaned them money i mean more than two hundred dollars.... (which is more than rent) and i never once said a thing until they had the money and she says i know... and i said ok... and that was that conversation... they paid me back in increments and not in the same week... i was able to pay her by the end of that same week... on friday night... what little faith she has in me... it kills me how much she speaks to me condescendingly... like i'm a child... sure go ahead get your white picket fenced home and have your 2.5 children... that is and will never be me... i will not conform because that is what we are supposed to do... but i still have responsibilities that i will fulfill... and because i'm not conventionary (if thats the word i'm looking for) in my ideals and the things i do does not mean i will not pay you back...
so for the second week we were back i did not speak to her but i did speak to my brother-in-law... and choose not to speak to her... and everything i mean EVERYTHING i do she must question... why did you buy that... where are you going... why do you need it... you know i don't have to answer your questions... i'm really not that interested in your life... just fill me in in the some things not the everythings....
i'm so over this... over this mediocracy i allow myself to live in... and above all this my car is not working AGAIN! i have no clue this time what is wrong with it but its still at my job and has been for almost a week... its as if i sit and allow all these bad things to happen to me... and i don't fight for myself...
when will i have the motivation, the confidence and the passion to step outside of me and become more... i prayed and wished for a change so i got it... now i must move on and pray and wish for that motivation, that motivation to get me out of this life and then pray for that confidence to get me what i need and then the passion to stand strong in what i need for myself... so what if that makes me selfish... i've been selfless in many acts of my life... and there are times i have been very selfish in my own inner self.... but now i must reverse that...
i will be selfish outside of me and for my insides for the inner parts of me i will be selfless and give it away... so here's my month... a month of freedom of the stupid idiotic chains that have held me back...
the month of October: a month for eye openers
here's me wishing and praying for you... i pray that you are selfish with yourself in your work and your life but be selfless and give the world your heart... things will open up for you and you will become someone new... let's live in the freedom of being our true selves, in the freedom of knowing what we need for our lives, and the freedom of life's opportunities!
~rosie :)
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