things become clear when there is nothing hindering you... i've gone home... i've gone to see the family... and there are so many things that i realized i'm not anymore.
i'm not this little girl that they are still wishing for me to become. i'm not that little girl who wants to conform to what they ask of me. i'm not going to make them as proud as they think i will make them. it scares me and yet i'm happy with that. very happy.
the thing with that is i'm expected to give certain responses and i don't want to do that. i don't want to give them an answer because they want it or because they need it. i just want to tell them what i think. my aunt and uncle are supposed to come in to town today and i know they will be grilling me on my life. they will ask why i haven't gotten a career like their children. meanwhile all their children don't really have a great connection to either of them. their oldest daughter left their house when she was 17 and they didn't go to her graduation, their second oldest child moved as far from them as soon as possible their fourth oldest moved in with the first person that truly loved her and the third oldest (their only boy) still lives with them and the youngest well she's the youngest but still has so many complexes. tell me how wonderful can you say your family is when their is no love.
i rather tell you what i'm feeling even if it hurt you but have said it with love. i don't want to give you an answer to please you. i hate my family sometimes. they are so judgmental. my life's journey is not gonna end as soon as i graduate from college. as soon as i get the "perfect" job. my perfect job... i don't know what it could be. i don't know where it would be. all i know is that it needs to help my creative outlet while giving me freedom of who i am and of where i need to grow.
and that doesn't mean it will be a 9-5 job. that doesn't mean it will have me wear suits all day long. that doesn't mean that i will have a 401k waiting on me as soon as i sign on. that lifestyle is not me. i don't think i will be happy in a job like that.
i see how much i have changed and wonder if my whole family can take it. i started to talk to one of my cousins one of the children of the aunt and uncle i was speaking about up top. their oldest. and i tried telling her of my life and how i've changed but its as if she wanted to get that inspiration without listening to the journey. i was like are you trying to steal this high i'm on? i don't get it... we haven't spoken since but she asked me questions as if she was interested then stopped. what were you asking for if you didn't really care?
honestly i'm not here to inspire you if you don't want to receive what i'm trying to give you. whether it may be in a simple writing or in my simple words of a change person. she didn't want to hear any of it. so i realized she wasn't ready to hear it. but i feel like no one in my family is ready to hear it. just one person. my "twin" my youngest sister (7 years younger born on the same day i was). she is the only one that wants to listen. how sad is that?
that no one in the family receives the differences in my heart, my mind, and in my life. i think its because no one believes in me. no one thinks i will be more than what i am now. that i can't reach a different status. that i will always be that lazy, depressive, pathetic person with no spine. fine take me as you will but do not underestimate the power of the meek. do not underestimate the strength behind the storm. for if you miss it, if you let it pass you by i'm not sure it will come back to pick you up or take you with it.
you must take it now or else it will move on and you will have missed your chance to receive anything from it.
yes i do have a lot of resentment towards my family. i want to work on it. i want to release the anger. but right now. i want it to fuel me so that i can be who i need to be. not to use it show them because when and if i crash and burn after using all the fuel in that i will become that person they know i am.
a failure. that's not what or who i am. i am a work-in-progress and my fuel is the inspiration life is giving me. the everyday new dawn the everyday love it shines down on me.
this is me... sending love your way... even if i don't know you...
~rosa
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