Me Post Numba tree!

hey lovies.... so technically summer's not over until what september 20th or something like that... you know the solstice and such but i want to give a recap of what has been going on...

no not of just recently more like a summer recap...

how can you recap something such as an eruption from the deepest and dormant volcano... well i'm going to try!

starting this past january i decided that something needed to change. in doing so i started to write a book. a book that i have yet to start up again.  i'm not ready for it.  maybe its not ready for me but i started it.  then i started "counseling"... it didn't go well!  i just wasn't growing from it and the reason was because he is a friend.  i don't think i could truly breakdown in front of him so it was hard to really listen to what he was trying to break into my soul...

he did say things that made me realize what a sh*t life i've led.  don't get me wrong... i have led a good life.  my parents basically gave me what i needed and what i wanted.  but he made me realize that i had no identity.  that i had become what everyone else wanted me to become.  they as in my family.  i did everything they told me to with of course my "wild" side trying to push through... i was an angry child.  i hated my father and resented my mother.  my father who sat every sunday, tuesday, thursday, and saturday playing his guitar at church looking at his daughters making sure they looked perfect during the church service.  and my mother who would let things slide but pretended that my father had the disciplined hand while she let him walk all over her. 

how was i gonna find real love in that.  a broken mind, a broken soul, a broken heart...  i still followed the rules because i was afraid of the Father above... the Father who allowed things, cruel things, to happen to a simple child.  as the simple child pretending nothing ever happened because no one seemed to noticed so she believed it was nothing.  was HE there when it happened, and how could HE allow it to persist... (please do not think i've stopped loving HIM i just finally released the anger i had towards HIM)

this summer has been one eye opener.  a time for firsts, a time for breaking down, a time for breaking through, for finally being angry at those who should receive my anger, and for allowing myself to shine in my truest form.

i'm still working on the truest form but its being worked on.  and i've decided to just finally accept things the way they are. the way they should be. the way they've always been.  this is me.  i am beautiful with every single dysfunction.  i shine with my brokenness.  i am happy finally in the simpleness of life.

i'm not wishing for things anymore.  i'm not dreaming for things to happen.  i used to live in my dreams and i don't anymore.  but i'm still dreaming.  dreaming for a greater hope in me, in you, and in us all!

i'm not wishing for life to thrust it self on me anymore.  its seeping, permeating, and i'm allowing it to just be. 

my life will not to hidden away in a nut... that nut doesn't exist anymore... for it was shattered... it was finally taken apart and peeled away... by one large heavy sledgehammer... :)

and you know never once was i frightened by it.  it was liberating.  it was refreshing!  such a wonderful wind blew my way...  and i was finally ready for it.  finally...

yes there are days where there is no progression in my life but trying not to fall back into the old self.  i can't do it anymore! i can't pretend that i'm okay with living the old life!  i was sad, i felt pathetic, and ugly!

but this is me... it is what it is!  with my physical defects and all!  i can alter them but even and when i do... they do not define my beauty from within!  they will not!  and though i'm still holding myself back they are for good reasons... i dont believe you are ready for what is hiding behind my brown eyes. behind my beautiful smile, or what is laying in my heart!

i finally have so much to say but will try to slowly show you what it is that i'm holding back.  it may not seem like a lot to many but it doesn't have to seem like something grandiose... because it does not matter what you think of me... it does not matter what negative things you need to say... you may want to break me down to nothing but i have something to tell you...

i've been broken down to the tiniest part of me... i've finally taken all my pieces that were scattered and placed them together and i am the strongest i have ever been... and only getting stronger... and you may be able to hit me and set me back... but it will only be to strengthen me...

so this has been my summer... this has been my "point of no return!"  

i'm wishing more for you... i'm wishing more for me... i'm dreaming of something that will finally break you... where you are more than an open book... where you are more than just simpleness...  and love is truly shinning down on us all!  let's try and be extraordinary!  

and if i don't know you, know this... you are more than loved!

~rosa